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My wife cheated on me with her coworker. What now

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BlueRaspberry posted 3/27/2021 14:23 PM

MrFlibble,

One option you could consider would be to proceed with the divorce proceedings but allow your wife to stay in your home so you could provide her with emotional support and allow her to be with the kids full time. I believe you mentioned there would be one simple court appearance and you would be done.

Allowing her stay at your home would extend out the timeframe for her to get her own place and/or perform the polygraph until after her father passes away.

[This message edited by BlueRaspberry at 2:32 PM, March 27th (Saturday)]

MickeyBill2016 posted 3/27/2021 14:38 PM

About 15 years ago my mom died from cancer, about 6 months after that I filed for divorce. We were on shaky ground during my mom's illness and there was not a good chance of us staying together. But it was not yet public knowledge.
It was somewhat comforting to have my STBXW there who knew my mom and family and although on her way out XW stuck around to help out until a couple months after the funeral...
My D was inevitable and we parted not as friends or enemies. No kids so I have seen her once in 15 years and it was by accident.
But if she had left just before mom's death? I would had hated my XW, instead of indifference.
The Flibbles have kids so they will need to be in contact whatever happens.

Travycrack posted 3/27/2021 14:40 PM

MrF

I understand your feelings and wanting to do what FIL asked. Most people would want to ease the pain of those they care about when they lose a loved one and I know exactly how you feel about your FILs dying request. November 2019, while my parents were visiting me on the other side of the country and we were out at dinner celebrating my birthday, my mother began coughing up blood. We immediately drove to the hospital and during that 20 minute drive my mom's face and left shoulder area became very swollen. They did yest and hours later a doctor walks in and proceeds to tell us that my mom had masses all over her lungs and a large one next to her heart. It too was lung cancer. 2 weeks later her oncologist have her a 5% chance of survival. 11 dayss after that and my father was diagnosed as having a very aggressive form of alzheimer's. I left my job, cancelled my lease, and flew home. My mom too made a dying wish which involved someone I hate with all my being. It was agonizing for me, and ultimately did as she asked because how could I not?

In the end though, I could never not feel anything but complete disdain for this person and once I satisfied the terms of the promise I made, they were dead to me again. I was later told how this completely ruined them. They lost me, lost someone they loved deeply, but then felt that maybe that experience was a moment where them being dead in my might come to an end, only to then feel the crushing pain, loss, and hopelessness all over again like the first time. I had been so genuine. But it was all an act. How could I do that to them? How could I be so heartless? I could never tell them why I did it, but I also knew I could never care about them or their existence again. It was on SI where I realized that what I did, in a way, was a lot like trickle truth. I wondered a lot if I should have said no to my mom, explaining why and that she would have accepted it because she knew I was justified feeling how I did and just by me doing I would feel even worse in an already devastating time. In the end I did something my mom would never witness, I intensified my suffering hugely, and gave the other person a 2nd experience that shattered their world when they were just starting to move on from their heartbreak.

I have wondered a lot if I did the right thing. You might too.

Good luck regardless what you choose to do.

Sorry if this is confusing and/or there are typos. I am on phone and operating on very little sleep.

grubs posted 3/27/2021 15:14 PM

It might be good to talk to your WW about this and your feelings about it before making a final decision. Not that I think she'll do so but she should have the right to veto any postponement. It's not just you that's going to be put in extended limbo or another false R but your entire family.

Dude67 posted 3/27/2021 15:36 PM

Mr F. Youíre making a good decision. What youíre doing syncs well with the 180, which is about self help and messaging. What better message can u send, that by stepping up and helping, how utterly stupid your WW actions look in comparison to someone who acts with honor and dignity within a marriage.

Decorum posted 3/27/2021 20:11 PM

Sorry to hear anout the FIL. Very sad.

Divod62 posted 3/28/2021 08:13 AM

The last time I visited your thread you were in reconciliation. A lot has happened since then.

I really donít know what to say about your FIL except to say Iím sorry for you and your wife. You wrote about how your wife had stood by you through thick and thin, so Iím sure youíll do what is right given your situation.

Iíd like to comment on what transpired since your wife opened the door to more details of her affair.

This thread has reinforced your belief that sheís guilty unless proven innocent. Youíve been down this road before, when you confronted her about the hotel visit with irrefutable evidence that turned out to be dead wrong. Thereís a reason why JFO exists and why thereís a R thread. The main goal of this thread is paint the cheater in the worst possible light, to wake the BS up and weaken the emotional attachment that paralyzes many after DDay. But as well meaning as these posters are, they are not the go-to-advice you need if you want to reconcile.

Thereís a world of difference between trickle truth from a WS who is still enmeshed with her AP, and trickle truth from a remorseful spouse who is completely out of infidelity. Reconciliation requires a safe space for both of you to start building trust, respect and compassion. The trust it takes to maintain that safe space goes both ways. Obviously she was afraid to hurt you, knowing how youíd react, but she was also aching to form a new relationship based on honesty and authenticity. You demonstrated what you wanted by the way you dealt with your stalker. I believe thatís why she initially told you about the hand grab in the car. Had you maintained that safe space, you would have learned more details without a polygraph hanging over your heads.

I went through exactly that, after DDay my WW told me the worse of it, but over time as I calmly asked more questions, more details came out. Of course there were more details, I fully expected it. But I was able to maintain the safe space because I knew the affair was over and that whatever new information she divulged would be based on the same affair, the same big lie. Far too often a BS will view each confession as a new set of lies that makes a remorseful WS less trustworthy, but I believe itís the opposite. The more details are revealed, the more trust I gain. If you wanted action from your WS that proves she is truly remorseful and wants to do the right thing, well telling you details you never would have discovered is a big one.

I wrote about fear in an earlier post. I made it my mission not to feed it. I see it all over this forum, and it promotes behavior that is antithetical to healing and reconciliation. My WW developed feelings for her AP, but she also told me she never stopped loving me. And at first I didnít believe her, but then the more I thought about it the more I realized how small and insignificant her affair was in her life. I looked at the full life we shared - two successful businesses, a straight A kid in a top university, a million dollar home in a great city - and I realized thereís just no comparison to her AP, who was just her limo driver once or twice a year. So cliche. Itís true that many waywards affair down. I had nothing to fear, I was on solid ground and I was able to make the decision that was right for me with no regrets. I did my part to fix the holes in our marriage, and now our connection is far stronger than it used to be.

No one ever said reconciliation was a smooth straight line. Too often I see people struggle with reconciliation because they have trouble seeing past the affair, but that will hopefully fade with time and healing. It helps to remember that, no matter how badly she behaved, she is not defined by her infidelity, even though that is all you probably see right now.

Best of luck.

[This message edited by Divod62 at 3:45 PM, March 29th (Monday)]

Sanibelredfish posted 3/28/2021 08:51 AM

Mr. F, this is a huge decision and you deserve more time to learn what your options are and how to proceed. I think it would be fair to communicate to your FIL first, and family second, that you need more time to figure out a complicated situation (one you did not create). Youíve had less than a week to work through this and he wants an answer now??? I understand the urgency on his part, but thatís completely unfair to you.

Take a little more time, be supportive, but non-committal today. Youíre still figuring out the ďifsĒ and ďhowsĒ of the situation. Give yourself some time to learn more and process. The solutions were obvious before your wifeís A, they are much more complicated now. It might be a good idea to remind everyone of that.

Munchie posted 3/29/2021 10:47 AM

I have been reading Mr F's and comments for some time. In choosing to believe his STBXW actions rather than her words he is showing a high degree of common sense and dignity. One thing that struck me about the burner phone is that in destroying it, she also destroyed any contents on it which would provide further evidence that the affair was not sexual. People do not tend to destroy things that can provide proof of their innocence. They destroy evidence that incriminates them. Like most comments on here, I am sorry to say I think that his wife was sexually involved with the AP. I do not know the correct term for it, but there is a condition where people rather than face the shame and consequences of an act, lie to themselves so much, they actually come to believe the lie, I think his wife may be one of those people. I wish him the best for the future and hope he takes all the time he needs to recover from this.

[This message edited by Munchie at 10:58 AM, March 31st (Wednesday)]

Kindern posted 3/29/2021 11:01 AM

She destroyed it back when she was lying about the two visits to his home, the burner and the photos/sexting.

You canít infer she slept with him because she destroyed the one thing that could have proven she didnít. She destroyed it because it was proof of existing lies she was still telling.

For the record, Iíve no idea if she slept with OM. Sheís an experienced liar. But you canít use the logic of ďonly guilty people destroy evidenceĒ to indicate a full sexual encounter. Thereís another thing she was guilty of at the time she was destroying evidence of, namely the two visits and the existence of the phone itself.

steadychevy posted 3/29/2021 12:07 PM

Since we can't infer this and can't infer that and we are told what logic we may or may not use that we extrapolate.

I extrapolate that MrFibbles WW has lied, minimized and trickle truthed from the very beginning. I extrapolate that there had been groping and that by going to AP's house and based on her past lying and devious behavior and destroying evidence there is a high probability they fucked at his house.

MickeyBill2016 posted 3/29/2021 15:32 PM

I doubt she was planning too far into the future and that the burner would help her. It may have have a lot of messages that WW did not want Mr F to see. SO smashing it was a good idea to her at the time, even if there was no evidence of sex (maybe, maybe not) those messages would be damning.If there was evidence of sex or pics, then smashing it was in her interest...
Either was not many people will keep that phone...

Hurtmyheart posted 3/30/2021 01:49 AM

He straight asked me if I would consider postponing everything and taking care of MIL and my wife during and after he is gone. We never had any kind of close relationship, we have always been polite to each, we respect each other but we never really connected on any level. He told me to think about it and asked me to bring us all on Sunday because he wants to tell everybody at the same time.

I got away from reading your post several pages back and I do believe that the last part I read is that you still loved your wife.

I would say yes to honor your FIL request because of the fact of what is going on now is going to intensify to extreme levels of grieving and emotional pain once your FIL passes.

My WH passed away last March from cancer and mine and my kids whole world has been turned up side down because of his unexpected death. Divorce and death affects the whole family not just those involved.

I believe your FIL is onto something and normally I wouldn't offer this kind of advice but in this case I would listen to what he has to say and to take his advice and honor his requests for both your WW and the MIL.

Hurtmyheart posted 3/30/2021 02:06 AM

Your two kid's will also be affected when Grandpa passes on. And to deal with the aftermath of death and the divorce process too; two very extremely emotional and painful situations.

Sometimes it's not always about us and our wants and needs and in the case this statement may be true.

I think postponing the divorce process for awhile could be a very good idea. JMO though.

I am sorry that you all are having to go through losing the FIL to cancer. Very traumatic to have to watch him suffer like this.

newlife03 posted 3/30/2021 10:03 AM

That said, I don't see why you can't tell him something like "my marriage with your daughter is over. I will do what I can to help your family through this difficult time, but your daughter and I will go through it as a couple in the process of divorce and may or may not be divorced by the time you pass. I wish you well and you can count on me to help, but not as your daughter's husband."

I think this advice is the best route to take. You are being completely honest with him about the future of your marriage but also showing compassion and support without a commitment to your STBXW. I'm so sorry for what you all are about to endure.

steadychevy posted 3/30/2021 12:40 PM

I think you can walk and chew gum at the same time. I think you can have compassion and be supportive for your father-in-law, mother-in-law and your own children and your WW. I think you can do this without stopping the process of divorcing. Where I live divorces take a long time. Any delay extends that out farther. Where I live the divorce process can also be stopped at any time right up to signing the final documents.

The decision is yours, MrFibble. You asked for input and got opinions from a number of people. Good luck in sorting it all out and making the best decision for you.

BluerThanBlue posted 3/30/2021 21:35 PM

Divorcing but trying to continue the relationship is a dumb idea... itís essentially the worst of both the worlds! You get the stress, expense, and (in your case) inflict pain on your kids but without being free and moving on with your life. Itís also all the worst parts of reconciliationó pain, mistrust, strifeó but without a marriage to save!

On top of that, youíre making a situation that is already going to be very painful on your kids and tacking confusion and mixed messages on to it.

If you want to hold on to the possibility of reconciliation, separate but donít proceed with divorce until youíre completely ready to sever the relationship.

Butforthegrace posted 3/31/2021 08:18 AM

Divod62's comments, in context of the details of his journey out of infidelity, provides an interesting juxtaposition here. He says:

This thread has reinforced your belief that sheís guilty unless proven innocent.

Thereís a world of difference between trickle truth from a WS who is still enmeshed with her AP, and trickle truth from a remorseful spouse who is completely out of infidelity. Reconciliation requires a safe space for both of you to start building trust, respect and compassion.

I would mention, as an aside, that the concept of innocent until proven guilty applies where the State is taking steps to deprive a citizen of liberty (i.e. - government is trying to lock somebody up in jail/prison). In marriage (at least in the US), you don't need proof of any wrongdoing to divorce. You just need to want out of the marriage.

But I do see Divod62/MrFibble as a glass half full/half empty dialectic. Based only on the elements of the betrayal, viewed in a vacuum, Divod62 had as much or more reason to divorce his WW as any betrayed spouse on SI. A long term PA with a subordinate/service provider. TT by his WW after Dday. Etc. Yet he is still married and considers himself to be in a positive reconciliation mode.

The degree of betrayal in MrFibble's thread is minor by SI standards, almost trivial but for the fact that he caught and confronted. Even the suggestion that it would likely have become sexual but for the happenstance of being caught is, in my opinion, not supported by what we know from this thread. There is a line people cross, or not, before becoming sexually unfaithful. We discuss the cascade of affirmative choices a cheating spouse must make between the first kiss and PIV sex. From the description in this thread, Mrs. Fibble was aware of that line and actively resisted crossing it.

There is/was a thread (now locked) over in the Reconciliation forum that was touching on the concept of marital dysfunction as a catalyst for infidelity. From his posts, I infer that Divod62 has plumbed the depths of that concept. In contrast, this thread talks completely around it, as if it doesn't exist at all. Behavior like that of Mrs. Fibble can be a cri du coeur. To me, in the context of this thread, that concept is like the nose on the face of the Great Sphynx.

steadychevy posted 3/31/2021 09:08 AM

So what you're saying is MrsFibble was making a passionate outcry of appeal because of the marital dysfunction of which MrFibble played a role and thereby is responsible.

All marriages have issues. Each partner in the marriage brings their issues into it in their luggage when they set up their marital home. They aren't necessarily of equal weight.

Marital issues are not a cause of adultery. The belief or acceptance or commitment levels is internal to the person who commits the adultery or a person who does not commit adultery.

MrFibbles decision doesn't need to be based on whether his WS cheated in a more or less horrendous way compared to anyone else. I wrote very early in this long thread that MrsFibble appeared to be someone that had R material. Then more TT. What matters is what MrFibble decides is best for him.

Sanibelredfish posted 3/31/2021 09:19 AM

The degree of betrayal in MrFibble's thread is minor by SI standards, almost trivial but for the fact that he caught and confronted. Even the suggestion that it would likely have become sexual but for the happenstance of being caught is, in my opinion, not supported by what we know from this thread. There is a line people cross, or not, before becoming sexually unfaithful. We discuss the cascade of affirmative choices a cheating spouse must make between the first kiss and PIV sex. From the description in this thread, Mrs. Fibble was aware of that line and actively resisted crossing it.

The bolded text above is what Mr. Fís WW has maintained since the beginning, and it held some water until her relatively recent disclosure of significant TT. Burner phone (since destroyed), coaching on how to conceal from POSOM, 2 visits to POSOMís home (to look at his etching, I suppose), and possibly sexting (I donít quite recall). Yet, Mr. F should take her word for it that she never crossed the line?!? This guy had multiple APs and he put so much time and effort into Mrs. F because she wouldnít have sex with him? GTFOH. Maybe she didnít, but the circumstantial evidence does not point in that direction.

[This message edited by Sanibelredfish at 9:20 AM, March 31st (Wednesday)]

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