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My wife cheated on me with her coworker. What now

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Curious9 posted 3/18/2021 17:30 PM

I don't really follow with the thinking she was all that great before the affair took place. People don't just wake up one day and decide to deceive and destroy there whole life. What she did took a lot of thought and time to plan things out. There is no doubt she had good qualities about her prior to this but clearly there is a serious part of her that you really don't know. Think it through. Would you have done the same prior to this affair. Would you have risked your whole family and future on some person you really didn't know.

I am not saying you should or should not reconcile. I am just saying you should at least understand that you really don't know who she is at all. I agree with the others. I think you need to distance yourself from her to get a clear path forward in what ever you choose to do.

[This message edited by Curious9 at 5:53 PM, March 18th (Thursday)]

MrFlibble posted 3/19/2021 06:50 AM

Yeah, I am definitely overthinking this, but what kind of action would you want me to do? I told her I want her to move out, she's looking for an appartment that is reasonably close, big enough to have kids there half the time and doesn't require major renovations. And I want it to be as permanent as possible, I don't want her (and kids) moving from appartment to an appartment every 3 months. So it will take some time, especially with lockdowns and all that. I started separating our finances and other assets. I take care of kids way more then before, I cut down my work hours to basicaly a part-time job, I take care of myself (it's starting to show), I do not mope, I do not beg or ask her to try again. She does all that now, the tables have completely turner in that regard


One of the major problems I am facing now is that the more I act indifferent, take the lead, make any kind of decision, the more she tries to get to me. I can see how she's baffled by all this, she never knew I had this side, I was always the whatever guy. And every time I do this, she steps up her game and tries to go after me. So yeah, I feel like I am the one in charge now. Big change from a few months ago. I do not tolerate her BS like I did before. But I would be lying if I told your her spell over me is completely broken. I think it will take a lots of time apart to do that. I think she's aware of this and tries to use it to her advantage and is frustrated that it doesn't work that well now. She tried last night to get me into mood and it was a strong no from me, even though I was this close to a breaking point. And no, helping myself doesn't help. Thanks for asking.

MrFlibble posted 3/19/2021 06:53 AM

Oh, and I forgot to add

SH was fired this Monday. So that's number two. Hope I will get a hattrick before summer comes.

grubs posted 3/19/2021 08:33 AM

I can't see spending the weekend together without the kids is going to be good for you. I dont know how lockdown you are still, but I'd have some escape plans. Even if it's just spending time in a park by yourself every day. I wouldn't spend any time with her outside of working on the D.

[This message edited by grubs at 9:53 AM, March 19th (Friday)]

WalkingHome posted 3/19/2021 08:46 AM

No joke answer....


It took me 2 good relationships to get over one truly disastrous cheating high drama one...I was ok for both of the follow on relationships, but I had some latent background issues with trust, being open, getting bothered by things that had nothing to do with the new girl...and on and on.


At about relationship 3, I leveled out and none of it bothered me anymore. I think there was sort of a "I can do this well, I have done it before, I am fully capable on my own or with someone and I don't need anyone for anything but I want someone like this"


ramius posted 3/19/2021 10:07 AM

SH was fired this Monday. So that's number two. Hope I will get a hattrick before summer comes.

Nice.

iggyb posted 3/19/2021 10:13 AM

SH was fired this Monday. So that's number two. Hope I will get a hattrick before summer comes

Does your WW know this? Would be interesting to know what her reaction was/would be

sisoon posted 3/19/2021 10:14 AM

T/J -

Speaking up against those trying to ... tell me I have to forgive because she's remorseful, because if she cheated I also contributed to this and if I won't then I'm broken and evil.
If you think anything in the last few pages has been telling to to do that, you have misread a number of posts. You are filtering reality. Nothing good comes from that.

I understand you're in pain. I imagine you're lashing out. That's unnecessary, and it's slowing your healing.

I expect you'd deny thinking you're perfect. Look at your imperfections. Figure out the ones that are doing you the most damage. Change what you're doing. (There's no need to post about them, unless you want to.)

I know it's said that the way to use SI is to take what makes sense to you.

It's also said that the ideas you reject most strongly may just be the ideas that you need to work with.

End T/J.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:15 AM, March 19th (Friday)]

MrFlibble posted 3/19/2021 10:39 AM

I can't see spending the weekend together without the kids is going to be good for you
Unfortunately there are some things that need to be done by Monday and there ks no way we are able to do it with kids jumping on our backs. I will keep my head up. Don't worry.

WalkingHomeAny kind of future relationship is not my concern right now. I do not plan on dating anytime soon

Does your WW know this? Would be interesting to know what her reaction was/would be
She does. I told her way back I plan on ruining his life for as long as I feel like it. And he makes sooooo easy,it's almost funny. Public LI profile and all. STBXW has no problem with it, just asked me to not get into trouble. She dropped him like a hot potato the moment I busted them.

QuitOrNotToQuit posted 3/19/2021 10:48 AM

If you think anything in the last few pages has been telling to to do that, you have misread a number of posts. You are filtering reality. Nothing good comes from that.

I understand you're in pain. I imagine you're lashing out. That's unnecessary, and it's slowing your healing.

I expect you'd deny thinking you're perfect. Look at your imperfections. Figure out the ones that are doing you the most damage. Change what you're doing. (There's no need to post about them, unless you want to.)

I know it's said that the way to use SI is to take what makes sense to you.

It's also said that the ideas you reject most strongly may just be the ideas that you need to work with.

Yes, at least one time you were able to speak the truth although in an arrogant and condenscending way probably because the truth hurts and the neurotic pride doesn't make it possible to acknowledge it.

Of course, I don't think I am perfect but at least my imperfection and inherent evil nature as a man (to certain women and their male servants) never led me to be an traitor, a betrayer and to abuse my wife or any other woman.

And, yes, I take a lot of pride in it. Yet, I suppose that's my shallow misogynistic and chauvinistic nature. And probably neurotic pride too. It reminds me on an article I read.

Men who take pride in sexually satisfying their female partners, put their pleasure above their own and let's say derive their own pleasure from pleasuring the woman oppress women and are misogynysts because it's all about them. They are toxic which I suppose means they are neurotic? The same mind fuckery as here. Unfortunately, I can't post here the link because it goes against SI rules.


Well, on the other hand, my wife (solely based on her gender) as being the emotional Goddess (according to the same people) managed alongside with that crowd to do exctly that (BTW, I'm still with her). I am also not arrogant as to believe I have to dictate people how to behave and tell them what to do.


I also find it ironic as hell and bigoted how some people ask me to look into my neurotic imperfections but they are so neurotically prideful that they aren't able to acknowledge a simple mistake, to appologize and are totally o.k. at either spreading hate or supporting it. Nice deflection, still only proves my point.

[This message edited by QuitOrNotToQuit at 11:24 AM, March 19th (Friday)]

Dude67 posted 3/19/2021 11:21 AM

Mr. F. I want to go back to something you said earlier - that you owe ur WW a lot because she was there for you, supported you during difficult points in your career, financially supported the family during that time, etc.
Thatís what marriage is about. Thereís no special gift she brought to you by doing this stuff. Thatís what you sign up for when you marry and commit to someone. If there was a published standard operating procedure (SOP) for marriage, that would be in chapter one. And, there is no quid pro quo required in mutually supporting each other during a marriage.

However, whatís not listed in the marriage SOP is cheating, and that if your spouse cheats, but has been supportive to you throughout your marriage, they should get a pass. I know youíre not giving your WW a pass per se, however, in your statement I think you lost sight of this simple requisite of marriage - mutual support throughout. Your WW did you no special favors by supporting you.

The final thing Iíll mention is that youíve made a number of statements that your WW dropped the SH after she got busted. Again, when you say this it sounds to me like she should be commended for her swift action. Again, not written in the marriage SOP. Just my thoughts.

faithfulman posted 3/19/2021 11:39 AM

Yeah, I am definitely overthinking this, but what kind of action would you want me to do?

"Action" is not just timelines, polygraphs, and divorces.

Actions are not always completely overt.

Action is how you conduct yourself. An example of an action that your wife should have taken, would have been not even entertaining a man trying to get her on the road to cheating (Assuming she was not the initiator):

"SH - I am a married woman"

***


Now that we are here, an example of action for you could be not letting her gaslight you with her apologies:

"Your apology is empty until you tell the full truth"

***

Action is not letting her manipulate you with pussy bombing, love bombing, and tears while you move forward out of infidelity, whichever path you choose.

Action is staying the course behaviorally until you have the information that satisfies you to make the decision you feel is right.

And by the way - you're almost guaranteed to falter. Most of us fucked this up way worse than you did. We are trying to guide you through a minefield because we have been through it and stepped in all the wrong places.

***

She dropped him like a hot potato the moment I busted them.

I forget all the particulars of your confrontation period, but do not assume that this, or anything else she claims is factual.

You didn't know about the burner phone or other meetings.

As someone mentioned above, I would not be so certain that the burner is destroyed. DON'T TALK ABOUT IT IF YOU WANT TO FIND IT.

If you want to find the burner or any other evidence, look for it when she is not around.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 11:45 AM, March 19th (Friday)]

iggyb posted 3/19/2021 11:59 AM

She does. I told her way back I plan on ruining his life for as long as I feel like it. And he makes sooooo easy,it's almost funny. Public LI profile and all. STBXW has no problem with it, just asked me to not get into trouble. She dropped him like a hot potato the moment I busted them.

Here's to you getting that hattrick before summer and claiming the match ball

Keep safe friend.

Dignitas posted 3/19/2021 13:22 PM

One of the major problems I am facing now is that the more I act indifferent, take the lead, make any kind of decision, the more she tries to get to me. I can see how she's baffled by all this, she never knew I had this side, I was always the whatever guy. And every time I do this, she steps up her game and tries to go after me. So yeah, I feel like I am the one in charge now. Big change from a few months ago. I do not tolerate her BS like I did before. But I would be lying if I told your her spell over me is completely broken.

Yet another man discovers that his partner treats him like the prize when he isn't too available. I actually think this concept transcends gender, but it's typically men I see who are overly available and devote too much of their time/energy to their partners over themselves.

I am much younger than you, but I learned the same lesson very early on in my dating life, and I learned it the hard way. Whether you're with your wife again somehow or with a new partner a couple of years down the line, don't forget the way your wife is acting towards you and treating you right now that you are:

- firm with your boundaries
- focused on yourself and your children
- sticking to your purpose/plan
- taking consistent action

Women will treat you like a king when they are fitting into your life. They will take you for granted when they become your life.

[This message edited by Dignitas at 1:23 PM, March 19th (Friday)]

MrFlibble posted 3/19/2021 15:15 PM

Dude67 That's not what I meant. I never said my W had a free pass because she was a good wife before. What I am trying to say is she never gave me any reson to doubt about her love and commitment before. She was my teammate, I knew I can lean on her, that she will give me a helping hand. That's what I meant. Our marriage was never a one-sided. We worked together.

I also do not praise my W for dropping SH after Dday, I am simply stating a fact. She sent him a NC text in front of me and she immediately showed me when he contacted her later from different numbers. Both ignored and numbers blocked. There were no signs after Dday that the A continued, I believe it was practicaly over by the time I set her down to have the "talk". The fact that he decided to text her that day was pure luck, and in line with what I know about their dynamics (push&pull). He simply tried to lure her back into the affair and fortunately for me used her work phone because she turned her burner phone off.

As I said, I've got it easier since this was in no way an exit affair, there was no future together. It was based on him wanting to fvck her and her wanting his attention and ego boosts. It's actually pretty sad if you ask me. She's working on this with her IC, I mean this almost constant need for validation from outside. It will implode her if not adressed properly.

faithfulman Thank you, I think I get you now. I told her just last night that her words mean absolutely nothing now. Yes, I put everything she says under scrutiny and validate it over her timeline and what logic says. My BS meters are still working. Detaching helps a little here, I take everything she says and process it before letting her know what I think or feel.

As for that burner phone, I am 99% she's telling the truth. I have the number and IMEI. It has not been used for a quite a while before she says she smashed it. It's in line with what she told me.

MrFlibble posted 3/19/2021 15:24 PM

Here's to you getting that hattrick before summer and claiming the match ball

Keep safe friend.

Thank you, I told my friends today and we had a good laugh. I think he still doesn't know it was me, and I think about letting him know after my third succesful strike. I can be a vindictive motherfvcker when I want to. I don't want to let this consumate me or waste more of my time on this or whatever. But still would love to beat the living piss out of him, especially now with all that unused energy I habe from working out and not having sex. Punching bag helps a little

guvensiz posted 3/19/2021 16:27 PM

I think about letting him know after my third succesful strike.

I wouldn't recommend this. If things get ugly, you don't know what he's capable of. A person who has nothing to lose can do anything.

faithfulman posted 3/19/2021 18:35 PM

As for that burner phone, I am 99% she's telling the truth. I have the number and IMEI. It has not been used for a quite a while before she says she smashed it. It's in line with what she told me.

I have felt like a jerk for your whole thread because I feel like I am always bursting your bubble.

Note: I am not saying that your wife didn't drop her boyfriend.

But I am saying I wouldn't take her word for it. Or one datapoint, such as the burner phone which you didn't know about until around a week ago, as concrete proof.

Did she drop the boyfriend immediately? Maybe.

That burner phone is not the only one in existence, and there are a million ways for people to communicate.

***

A Polygraph Method:
1) You give your wife a list of all the yes/no questions you want answered.
2) She answers them yes or no, in writing.
3) At polygraph time one of the questions is did she lie about any of her answers.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 7:11 PM, March 19th (Friday)]

M1965 posted 3/19/2021 21:06 PM

I think about letting him know after my third succesful strike.

There might be some satisfaction in letting him know, but why give him anything that he could use against you? The last thing you need is him trying to take legal action against you.

As you move forward, perhaps you could make the third strike the last, and then let the guy fade into the past. Your energies will be put to much better use in planning your future, and enjoying your time with your kids.

If the AP continues behaving the way he has done in the past, there will be a whole new group of guys chasing him down the street. Let them do it. You have better things to do.

You said that you worked very hard and that you regretted missing time with your kids. That is one positive thing to come out of all of this, because you now want to have a better work-life balance. When we finally have more freedom after COVID passes, you can plan lots of trips and activities for you and the kids. You will all enjoy that.

[This message edited by M1965 at 6:02 AM, March 20th (Saturday)]

smolderingdark posted 3/20/2021 11:37 AM

I think he still doesn't know it was me, and I think about letting him know after my third succesful strike. I can be a vindictive motherfvcker when I want to. I don't want to let this consumate me or waste more of my time on this or whatever. But still would love to beat the living piss out of him, especially now with all that unused energy I habe from working out and not having sex. Punching bag helps a little

By all means continue to ruin this fool professionally. If only to encourage him to leave your area completely.

As for that burner phone, I am 99% she's telling the truth. I have the number and IMEI. It has not been used for a quite a while before she says she smashed it. It's in line with what she told me.

Is this the same 99% certainty you would have claimed that your wife was not capable or willing to cheat on you before you discovered her affair? Yes she would be foolish to use the phone to communicate. That does not mean she cannot use it to relive her affair by reading through the text messages and viewing the images likely on the device. It is a memento, a souvenir, a record of her illicit behavior. Do you know how to sell a lie? Mix in some truth. She told you where she used the phone and where she charged it. She may have even told you the truth about its make and model, I would still have doubts and trust only information I could verify 100%

There is an example of another member on this forum who discovered such a phone 3 or so years into reconciliation. The final nail in his wife's coffin.

You can certainly give your wife the benefit of the doubt and assume she has destroyed the device. You have given your wife the benefit of the doubt many times already and how has this situation turned out? For the better?

If she has not told you where and how she destroyed it assume she still has it. If your wife was capable of rationality and logic certainly she would have destroyed the phone. Let us apply her rationality and logic to how she has handled you and her affair so far. Every effort you have made to reconcile with her she has repaid you with lies and deception which have driven you further from her. Would you say her behavior to the present suggests to you she has a strong grasp of rational and logical thought? Do you feel she is able to even consider the possible consequences of any of her actions? Or is it more likely she know how best to "push you" to get what it is she wants even after she has wronged you.

If you wish to let the issue of the phone go then let it go. I am willing to bet just like in the case of the other member, you will at some point stumble across it at a later date.

All the best going forward.

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