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My wife cheated on me with her coworker. What now

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Sharkman posted 3/8/2021 18:55 PM

My opinion is at this point who cares if they had sex? She had a boyfriend and she put it as a priority over you. Maybe it was a mistake she can come back from, maybe not.

Bigheart2018 posted 3/8/2021 18:55 PM

I would also move forward with the Poly because you can't predict what the future might bring.

hollowhurt posted 3/8/2021 18:55 PM

Mr. F

Think about the systematic option of MC, IC, cooling down time. Polygraph, etc.

You were dealt a shitty hand, no doubt. The worst one possible.

She asked what she can do? The truth, nothing but the truth, when asked and when not asked. It is called honesty. Verify it if possible, with her help, she will feel better in the long run, if she is worthy.

All cheaters lie, that is what cheating is, betrayal. She will lie if she can. You should find out her motivation to continue lying. Why, shame? Regret? Remorse? Pride? Wanting to save marriage by continuing to lie? (will not work) Or more insidious motives, I sure you can figure those out, and you may find them out.

So, maybe ask your self during this fact-finding tour, is my wife suddenly a who^&? Or did she make a stupid choice and find herself acting like a Who&^? (not sure if one can say whore here)
Regardless, you will have your information.

You can always pull the pin on the hand grenade later; you are in fact in the sitting as the judge on this one.

Oh yeah, this course of action looks really good in the court room. Hopefully, the pros outweigh the cons though.

Dude67 posted 3/8/2021 19:27 PM

I definitely think you must move forward with the polygraph. Your deal breaker is whether they had sex. Her lies are garden variety for a cheater. Other than continuing to lie, assuming they didn’t have sex, or anything resembling it, there’s nothing she disclosed that is exponentially worse then what you already know.

What you already know sucks. Yes - the selfies suck and the two home visits suck. However, sex is the game changer.. I’m not advocating reconciliation right now. What I’m saying is do the poly. If sex snd sexual activities occurred you pull the plug snd move on. If that stuff never occurred, then you can make a reasoned and final decision about whether to reconcile post divorce.

Finally, in all honesty you ignored all of the initial advice to do the poly. Don’t ignore that advice again here. As you admitted, had you done the poly up front you wouldn’t be in this position. Do the poly! Use Space ghost as an example . He never waivered from divorce but had his wife do the poly so he had a complete picture.

grubs posted 3/8/2021 19:44 PM

Mrs. Fibble needs the full truth to be exposed for the sake of her own healing. I with you that I don't think she's done that yet. That's the only reason I would suggest for any involvement in the polygraph.

Hman posted 3/8/2021 23:46 PM

Mr F,

Sorry if I missed it. So ur STBXW did have sex with OM?? Or was it just pictures & ILU's?

MrFlibble posted 3/9/2021 03:06 AM

I would go through with the polygraph for one reason. To find out if they had sex in the marital home.
Highly doubt that.
1) I am home a lot. I work from home, especially with Covid. There are days when I need to be on site, but it's like two days a month

2) we have a good security system. I got notification everytime we have a visitor. W knows it and wouldn't risk it.

My opinion is at this point who cares if they had sex?
I would be lying if I said I don't care. I do care even thought I think I already know. The chances they didn't take it all the way are very.. let's say nonexistent.

She had a boyfriend and she put it as a priority over you. Maybe it was a mistake she can come back from, maybe not.
Not a mistake, and yes. It was a full relationship even though he just wanted to fvck her and nothing more

Sorry if I missed it. So ur STBXW did have sex with OM?? Or was it just pictures & ILU's?
I don't know. She says they didn't, still saying 2nd base is as far as they went. I don't believe it to be honest and I highly doubt she will confess since she knows it's an absolute dealbreaker and she still hopes for a future R. Pictures were admited on her own, his ILYs were lied about and denied but I have the texts. No ILYs from her that I know of and she denies she ever said it back.

As for her telling me the truth - I think it's pretty obvious she's still lying and doing damage control. What I can't understand is why she nuked our R on her own. I would never know about most of what she told me, she covered her tracks pretty well. I would say either the threat of poly or her guilt pushed her to come clean.

BTW it looks like that stalker finaly gave up. No emails or texts since Saturday.

[This message edited by MrFlibble at 3:07 AM, March 9th (Tuesday)]

toby posted 3/9/2021 05:12 AM

She claims to have destroyed the burner phone days after dday, where was she hiding it? Did she use it to communicate with SH after Dday? Who purchased it?

Bigger posted 3/9/2021 06:01 AM

Since posters are mentioning polygraphs.
A polygraph does not get you the truth per se. It can give you a very clear picture of if the WS is telling the truth or not. How clear? I personally think that a good operator can tell you with extreme accuracy if the test result is believable or not.
There is a difference: If I truly believed 1+1=3 I would pass a poly on that question with that answer, despite the truth being 1+1=2.

The operator will spend time defining terms. Like if “Have you had sex with OM in the marital home” is a question then sex would be defined, and the marital home would be defined.

To me the issues isn’t really if she had sex in the marital home or if she destroyed a burner phone or whatever. If she were to come to you NOW and tell you that they did it in the gazebo on the back-lawn and then handed you a couple of burner phones with the commitment that there were no more then IMHO you could still possibly reconcile. If she was being honest.
However, if you were to find a third burner phone 4 months from now – even if it had never been used – THAT could/should be the final straw. THAT would tell you that when she was being honest then she wasn’t, and that she doesn’t trust you.

If you do a poly it shouldn’t really be to get the truth, but more to see if she’s being honest. Honesty is the key to reconciliation.


Other than that… I have kept off this thread because TO ME this is one of those threads that feels like a car headed towards a cliff. I think divorcing to reconcile is near-impossible and think that there is something wrong in that process. No matter how “simple” the process you need to divvy up so much and there is an inevitable financial cost to D. How much of your pension are you sacrificing? How much of the home-value? What’s the cost of refinancing the mortgage? But that’s just my POV and it’s about as valid as other POV’s – including those that encourage your plan.

GTeamReboot posted 3/9/2021 07:08 AM

Been following along and sorry to hear about some of the recent revelations. I’m on Team Do The Poly as well. I think both of you stand a better chance to heal - alone or in the (perhaps slim? perhaps feasible?) chance of R - with the full truth out there. Either way.

I would strike while the iron is hot and she is willing. Maybe she thinks you’re bluffing about it since you had hesitated in the past. Develop your list of Yes/No questions. From what I understand you won’t get many so one of them should be if the full timeline of all interactions she prepared is accurate. Of course one about sex as it is clearly defined. Maybe you need to ask about PIV separately from other types of sex given her slow walk of the bases. Maybe a question or two that really matters to you but that she’s not likely to predict. Getting some of these details feels like an important piece of the puzzle. I can’t imagine living with the wondering even if I D’ed.

Dude67 posted 3/9/2021 07:52 AM

Mr. F.

Camel just posted this about his wife’s infidelity. It’s under reconciliation 3/8/2021, 2039 pm

Did the polygraph...

Never kissed him- True
Sexual intercourse one time- True
Never cheated with anyone else- True

It's nice to know she was telling the truth, good step and shows me she is working on being honest.

DIFM posted 3/9/2021 10:39 AM

Mr Flibble, I know you are dealing with a mountain of emotions, pain, anger, frustration....lots of questions about what to ask, how to get the truth, is R worth it.

Please, for your sake, for your peace of mind, for your health and your future............just focus on the D. The D is the objective at this moment. It will take months, if at all, to get to where you believe what you are hearing or seeing. In the mean time, D is both your immediate temporary respite, and, if she turns out to not be worth the gift of R, D transforms into the detached place to start anew.

You will not get any of these pertinent and detailed issues and questions answered quickly, and very definitely not to your satisfaction for some time to come. Get D over with. Get out of the totally broken and non-existent vow. Gather yourself, your thoughts, your strength, then decide how to manage R from that point forward.

Committing to R, while already D'd, is the most empowering, satisfying, liberating, confidence place you can be. Few know the fullness of the benefit of travelling the R path with the contented and empowering place of the dead M being legally buried. I know it. It was a position of both detachment and total attachment, with no legal M bullshit to mess with my head, or hers.

My suggestion is, focus on the D. Get it out of the way. Your cheating wife isn't going anywhere. One thing at a time. D will empower you, will instill confidence in choice making, will reduce your angst and often unbridled anxiety. D will put you in 100% control of your future, of how you manage R, of the rules of engagement for getting remarried, if that is where you end up.

D does

NOT
end your relationship. It only gets you out of the dead, toxic, emotional and legal entanglement of the M..........which very much is a factor in the pain and confusion.

Focus. First things first. Your WW and the potential for R isn't going anywhere. M may very well be a great option for your future. Get done what you have chosen to do.....then move to the next phase.

ramius posted 3/9/2021 10:52 AM

Agreed^^^^^^

Focus on what you can control. And what is the best path forward for you, which appears to be getting the divorce done as quickly and efficiently as possible.

grubs posted 3/9/2021 11:04 AM

My impression is the D is fully on it's way but wont be final until May. There shouldn't be much to do on Mr. Fibble's part unless his WW backtracks on what she signed. She knows that doing so would be terminal to any remaining chance she has left as that was his primary condition from the start. His most pressing current conundrum is he's stuck in his house for an extended period of time with a WW who is desperate to do anything to make this all go away. I'd be putting the focus on getting her moved out to an apartment as soon as possible. That way they as a family can start living as they will post D.

DictumVeritas posted 3/9/2021 12:03 PM

MrFlibble, I read that you have an extensive security system. I hope this also includes cameras throughout the house.

I don't know how long your lockdown is going to last, but I guess it might be long enough that her proximity to you may warrant you carrying a VAR with you at all times when you are together.

Desperate people play silly games and silly games may even lead to false DV charges. I find this scenario to be unlikely, but not impossible and it is always better to prepare for the unexpected.

In your shoes, I would definitely have the polygraph done. The slim chance that she might not have had sex with the POSOM is a cancer that will eat at you, just as the belief that she did will. Certainty is a balm to the festering wound.

I was rooting for you and your Wife when I first read this thread that perhaps you could successfully R.

Unfortunately and sadly I see the chances of this as slim to none now.

I have to hand it to your wife (albeit through your lenses) she has been very convincing indeed. No like you I'd check to see if it's not perhaps time for sun-set if she said good-morning.

Strength to you brother.

Salutationibus quatuor ventis feruntur.

DIFM posted 3/9/2021 12:05 PM

If the D process is in place, and a reasonable assurance that it will happen by May is the facts, I would tell my WW that we need a few months of self reflection, as much as can be managed given that there are children, with an understanding that R will start in earnest when D is done. Get R started by making the physical and mental break from the M, while you both wait for D.

The more contact and interaction and assumption building you continue to do, the more complicated D and R become. Take a two month break.

Txquail posted 3/9/2021 15:58 PM

Knowing she went to other mans home twice means to me she had sex with him at least twice

M1965 posted 3/9/2021 17:03 PM

Going by the repeated pattern of your wife telling you something more, and then insisting you know everything, only for you to be hit by more information, then more, and then more again, I think it is very likely that there is something more waiting to be revealed.

The fact that your wife recently told you a lot of things that you would otherwise not have known, and once again insisted you now know everything, suggests she is hoping you will think the release of that information proves there cannot be anything more to reveal.

And her apparent enthusiasm to do a poly on the subject of sexual intercourse makes it look like she is sure that intercourse never took place.

To me, the poly thing could mean:

1) Intercourse occurred, and she is bluffing.

2) Intercourse never occurred, but other activity did, and she is hoping to distract you from asking about that by making intercourse the focus of the poly.

Two adults do not keep meeting up in a car or at a house to talk about philosophy or play chess.

And a player like your wife's affair partner, who was having sex with four other women at the same time he was involved with your wife, would not waste time with a woman who was just a tease that refused to do anything for him.

Maybe full sexual intercourse never happened, but something did, or the AP would have dropped your wife to spend time with the other women he was seeing.

If you tell your wife that the poly will cover other acts, and not just intercourse, you may find her enthusiasm for it disappears. She may be hoping that no intercourse means nothing else matters.

People have already mentioned the thread of a wayward wife called Lifedestroyer. She spent 40 pages of her thread arguing with other wayward wives and forum members, insisting that she only had sex and physical contact with her AP once.

On the night before the polygraph test, she hit her husband with a ton of new confessions. And she continued to confess more on the drive to the polygraph center, and while they sat in the car park before she went in.

If the poly does take place, brace yourself for something new coming to light.

siracha posted 3/9/2021 18:32 PM

Two key ingredients to infidelity are being a natural liar and natural manipulator. To this end a cheater will happily offer any one the lie that works for the situation . Every time she wants another man to feel her body you are an orgre but the next day when you serve her D papers you are suddenly a saint and the love of her life .
It takes years for a person to grow enough character to stop being a lying manipulative cheater . Not days weeks or month - years . None of the “ love “ she has offered you as compensation has been real , nothing but her infidelity is real right now . Her sadness is real i supposebut trust me that doesnt help you one bit .
Getting divorced now is the best money you will ever spend , you can in theory get back with her once she has shed her scales but if i were you buddy id just keep walking . She ended the marriage in the cheapest way possible , none of this is your doing and none of this can be fixed just because you love her .

[This message edited by siracha at 8:14 PM, March 9th (Tuesday)]

ramius posted 3/12/2021 12:29 PM

Checking in.....how is the lock-down going?

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