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Wayward Side :
Im the jerk husband who keeps hurting WarriorPrincess

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LifeDestroyer ( Member #71163) posted at 5:19 PM on Wednesday, December 30th, 2020

Im not going to waste time with someone who cant reconcile after forgiveness.

still believe that if anyone thinks that WarriorPrincess should just divorce me, you I now consider an enemy of mine and I will no longer waste my time with your posts, for I have better things to do with my time.

Your shoulders must be awfully tired from carrying that big ass head of yours.

Why do you think you are "owed" forgiveness or the act of reconcilation?? Honestly, it would take a saint to reconcile with you, let alone forgive you. You should be grateful IF she even considered working on reconciling with you. She doesn't have to forgive you in order to reconcile with you, and she doesn't have to reconcile with you IF she chooses to forgive you. Those are HER choices. If she chooses to forgive you, then it will be for her own benefit, not yours.

Get off your damn high horse and take a look in the mirror. Is this really who you want to be?




Maybe today can be a good day, and if today can be a good day, then maybe tomorrow can be too.

We might be broken and imperfect, but we still have worth and value.

As hard as it is to feel pain, it's much harder to feel nothing.

posts: 769   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2019   ·   location: OK
id 8620729
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jb3199 ( Member #27673) posted at 4:35 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

I need to change several ways:

1. Stop using porn

2. Be honest and stop lying

3. Why do I need to get instant gratification at the expense of MY marriage.

Any help would be appreciated.

Are you sure about that?

Because you ARE receiving it, you just don't want to hear it.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3818   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8620932
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JBWD ( Member #70276) posted at 7:11 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

After several huge arguments over the summer, we seperated, expecting divorce...

...Around October, I started to reconcile with wife and was making progress...

...On Thanksgiving weekend, my wife caught me using porn...

Can you fill in some of these gaps? What were the arguments about? What changed between a summer of arguments and beginning to R? Did you both remain in contact during separation?

I assume you both agreed that pornography was a boundary- I think that’s a reasonable assumption for most folks. When your wife “caught” you, was that a single instance, or had this been habitually occurring? What does it say about your thoughts about a partner that you felt “caught?”

... Why do I need to get instant gratification at the expense of MY marriage...

Is there a reason you emphasized “MY” when typing?

The biggest question mark here is, why do YOU think you’re doing these things? We don’t know you, but can help try and sort through based on experience. That’s the help we can offer, as my esteemed JB colleague just highlighted...

Me: WH
(Multiple OEA/PA, culminating in 4 month
EA/PA. D-Day 20 Oct 2018 41 y/o)
Married 14 years
Her: BS 37 y/o at D-Day
13 y/o son, 10 y/o daughter
6 months HB, broken NC, TT
SUCKED at growth and rebuilding

posts: 907   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2019   ·   location: SoCal
id 8620980
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BigBlueEyes ( Member #71441) posted at 8:44 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

Was cutting out porn a condition for WP?

I’m finding it hard to believe it’s the only reason you are heading for divorce!!

Me- BW, 47
Multi Dday's,
DB A's x 2 BFF
Multi ONS's, Online shit.
Serial cheat, Abuser,
D 18.02.20
Stay strong, just because it’s hard today, doesn’t mean that next week it won’t get easier!!

posts: 674   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2019   ·   location: A tiny dot in a big 'ol World
id 8621012
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secondtime ( Member #58162) posted at 9:12 PM on Friday, January 1st, 2021

What's your plan for your porn use?

The lying is probably intertwined.

Are you a porn (sex) addict?

Nothing can be fixed, even within yourself, until you deal with the "problem."

Since folks are suggesting books, I've heard "Out of the Doghouse" is a pretty good one, and it's written by someone pretty well versed with SA.

What else are you doing?

Have you installed accountability software on your devices and asked WP to control the passwords?

Have you sought out a CSAT?

Have you gone to 6 12 step meetings?

Right now, if you do really have a porn "problem", until you get sober you aren't going to be able to really address much of anything else.

And it will be hard for WP to figure out if you are the way you are because you are an active addict, you had a stroke, it's just your personality, whatever.

posts: 1033   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2017
id 8621309
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 8:04 PM on Monday, January 4th, 2021

I am a huge believer in forgiveness, to a point that if someone can forgive, but not able to reconcile, that person is not a person anymore. Subhuman, if you like.

To err is human, to forgive is NOT devine, but true humanity. Anything less than that is something Im not wasting my time entertaining such a subhuman thought process.

I don't know if you're still around, Flashman, but if so... there's your problem, that bit in the quote box above. It's wrong. And not just wrong, but utterly wrong, wrong enough to explain why R is failing for you.

No one is owed forgiveness. The idea that you are automatically owed forgiveness for your transgressions minimizes your transgressions. People aren't "less human" or "subhuman" if they choose not to forgive. Forgiveness is a gift... and everyone has a free choice as to whether they'll extend it and to whom.

The fact that you seem to believe that forgiveness is owed to you as a condition of humanity indicates that you are suffering from a grandiose state of ENTITLEMENT. No wonder it's so easy for you to backslide. There's no method by which you can gauge the seriousness of your transgressions when you believe you'll automatically be forgiven for them.

I'm not saying these things to be hard on you. I'm saying them on the off chance that you might actually LOOK at what you're saying. It's not until you understand where you're going wrong that you can make it right. Your BW has no reason to forgive you when you can't even begin to understand the significance of your wrongdoing. It's too easy for you to backslide into porn because, for you, you don't believe there's a consequence which doesn't dehumanize her. You think she owes you forgiveness, so what the heck is there to stop you from downloading the nasty? There's no cost to you except that she'll be mad for awhile. But you've survived that before, so no big deal. Do you see how this misinformation you've been telling yourself about forgiveness influences your bad choices?

Forgiveness is a gift. When you start treating it that way, as something precious, a form of grace that you really didn't deserve, maybe you'll start seeing some change in yourself. It's not hard to NOT look at porn. It's the absence of an effort. Nothing required. But it's pretty easy to give yourself permission to do something which HARMS your wife and your marriage if you believe there's no consequence and that it shouldn't be held against you.

Bear in mind that even in Christian forgiveness, the sinner is required to redeem himself, to refrain from further sin and to be heartily sorry for his transgressions. And just as you can't set the terms for forgiveness to God, you can't set them to other people. We each decide what we'll forgive and what we won't. Your BW gets to decide what she'll forgive and what she won't, and your proclamations upon her humanity won't change the fact that it's HER natural born right to do so.

For your part, making this adjustment in your mind can help you to make better choices if the future and teach you to show better appreciation on occasions when you do encounter grace.

posts: 4518   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8621992
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 12:26 AM on Tuesday, January 5th, 2021

I guess this is for everyone. Yes, I dohave very black and white issues here. I needed to find reasons that I can live with to be a peerson.

It started out with the ide that if someone is not for you, your relationship, or whatever the situation is, then they are against you.

Ergo, if they are not for you, they are the enemy to you.

Im sure Ive pissed a bunch of you off by my statements, but Im not going to waste time with someone who cant reconcile after forgiveness. Tp me, that isnt forgiveness, no matter what anyone might say.

And yes, I believe that I have enormous capacity for forgiveness, also no matter what others may say.

I will have to think of the subhuman ideas though.

Although, I still believe that if anyone thinks that WarriorPrincess should just divorce me, you I now consider an enemy of mine and I will no longer waste my time with your posts, for I have better things to do with my time.

Congratulations. It looks like you've completely healed and become a jerk again.

I haven't read WarriorPrincess' thread yet, therefore i can't say if she should or not divorce you. But i can say nobody should be married with you.

posts: 477   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8622056
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WalkingHome ( Member #72857) posted at 3:32 PM on Tuesday, January 5th, 2021

Serious question here- have you ever been formally evaluated for a personality disorder or atypical mental health?

You come across like something is seriously off.

Beyond that, I am going to fall back on a prior life where young men joined the Army and followed a predictable stupid path of bad decisions like high interest car loans on a mustang, payday loans, credit card debts, binge drinking, baby momma drama...and the capstone, marrying a stripper.

Did I read correctly that you married a former stripper?

Honestly...that kind of bad decision would be in line with my assumption that something is off in your head. Marrying a stripper is a good way to have drama and the guys I knew who jumped on that grenade, got the full blast.

Get some time alone where you can’t hurt others, fix yourself fully, then slowly reintegrate into society. You can’t fix a car while driving it. You have to pull off the road for a bit.

posts: 216   ·   registered: Feb. 19th, 2020   ·   location: USA
id 8622195
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HellFire ( Member #59305) posted at 6:35 PM on Tuesday, January 5th, 2021

Did I read correctly that you married a former stripper?

Honestly...that kind of bad decision would be in line with my assumption that something is off in your head. Marrying a stripper is a good way to have drama

Wow. I suggest you actually read her posts. She is about as anti drama as it gets. She is an intelligent, kind, compassionate woman who has her shit together. If I remember correctly, she is now a paramedic. She has suffered horrific abuse by this man for many, many years. Years of it..long before his stroke.

She is not a grenade. And this is so far from her fault. But it's posts like yours that he will cling to. Because it continues to blame her,make her the bad person, and encourages his bottomless sense of entitlement.

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:37 PM, January 5th (Tuesday)]

posts: 3706   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8622260
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BigMammaJamma ( Member #65954) posted at 10:06 PM on Tuesday, January 5th, 2021

Did I read correctly that you married a former stripper?

Honestly...that kind of bad decision would be in line with my assumption that something is off in your head. Marrying a stripper is a good way to have drama and the guys I knew who jumped on that grenade, got the full blast.

And yet she is the faithful partner and a regular poster here. Seems like she is not the dramatic one in this relationship, so you are way off.

Me- born in 1984
Him- born in 1979
We both have 2 kids from previous marriages and we share a two year old.
I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.
Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this c

posts: 171   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8622331
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pearlamici ( Member #67631) posted at 11:05 PM on Tuesday, January 5th, 2021

To sum up .... your pre-stroke self was someone who had an affair in 2015. You've talked about the effects of your stroke - since I've been betrayed (which I've described as being kicked in the head). I've had no interests in my previous hobbies either (reading, piano, painting, politics... interests that filled my days for thirty years now dull to me - even six years after Dday) But I guess if you haven't had this happen to you it could be very difficult to relate to it. So - I guess what I'm saying is betrayal is like a psychological blow to the head .... what compassion are you showing your wife? Stop making excuses for yourself... if you're not helping warriorprincess - get the fuck out of the way.

~Bad marriages don’t cause affairs. Affairs cause bad marriages.~

posts: 437   ·   registered: Oct. 26th, 2018   ·   location: NY
id 8622348
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pearlamici ( Member #67631) posted at 11:42 PM on Tuesday, January 5th, 2021

Ergo, if they are not for you, they are the enemy to you.

If you had an affair and are continuing to use porn - says to me you are not FOR your wife or your marriage ...

[This message edited by pearlamici at 12:58 AM, January 6th (Wednesday)]

~Bad marriages don’t cause affairs. Affairs cause bad marriages.~

posts: 437   ·   registered: Oct. 26th, 2018   ·   location: NY
id 8622361
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Tallgirl ( Member #64088) posted at 10:03 AM on Sunday, January 10th, 2021

Your beliefs about forgiveness imply that you are superior to others.

Lonely place to be.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8623471
Topic is Sleeping.
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