Newest Member: Loyalandbetrayed

Just Found Out :
After 43 years....

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Dan90254 (original poster Member #75925) posted at 12:02 AM on Tuesday, December 1st, 2020

After 43 years of marriage I found out last month that she had been cheating on me the last 2 years with her ex first boyfriend with whom she reconnected while travelling in France.

I had the utmost trust in her and never ever questioned her faithfulness. We had a wonderful long marriage filled with laughter, love, complicity and admiration for each other. Until that phone call. I am devastated beyond belief and I thought seriously of smoking the old 38. She came back to tell me that she had no regrets no apologies and that she clearly intended to pursue the affair.

posts: 50   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Southern California
id 8613253
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faithfulman ( Member #66002) posted at 12:22 AM on Tuesday, December 1st, 2020

Do not hurt yourself over this woman.

She came back to tell me that she had no regrets no apologies and that she clearly intended to pursue the affair.

You should leave her.

posts: 873   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2018
id 8613258
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 12:31 AM on Tuesday, December 1st, 2020

I am sorry for you. I know it will be difficult after 43 years together, but I suggest you to stop all communication with her. She doesn't even deserve to hear a word from you, let her talk to your lawyer.

posts: 476   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8613261
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Wanttobebetter ( Member #72484) posted at 12:46 AM on Tuesday, December 1st, 2020

Sorry you find yourself here.

I understand it is hard to let go a 43 years relationship but

She came back to tell me that she had no regrets no apologies and that she clearly intended to pursue the affair.

your wife certainly not valuing the same 43 years as you do.

She either thinks you will be fine to be her fall back plan B or she sees a future with the OM. Is either outcome something you can live with? If not, take control and start the 180 and detach. Be strong.

posts: 135   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2020
id 8613266
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 1:09 AM on Tuesday, December 1st, 2020

Lawyer up and file ASAP. Get into IC. Take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Direct your anger to the cheater, not yourself. Separate immediately. Do not share the same household with her a second longer. Do not engage with her other than through your attorney. I feel for you. Take care and be the best you can be. DO NOT LET HER DEFINE WHO YOU ARE.

[This message edited by src9043 at 7:12 PM, November 30th (Monday)]

posts: 411   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8613270
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 1:59 AM on Tuesday, December 1st, 2020

I'm sorry this happened to you. You're not alone nor are you the first to experience such unexpected betrayal.

See your doctor immediately ... and repeat what just happened. The doctor has seen this many times and can treat you for depression and lack of sleep.

She's no longer the girl you married. Somewhere she changed and there was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

Under the circumstances, the most successful strategy to get her back (if that's what you want) is the same whether you divorce or reconcile. That is:

1 - Do not cry or beg in front of her. In her current mind set she will not feel pity but rather see it as weakness that she will take advantage of by continuing the affair.

2 - Inform her immediately, that she can date anyone she likes but not as your wife. File for divorce asap.

3 - Expose her and the OM. Notify all family and friends.

4 - Separate bank accounts, change your will and life insurance.

Finally, the stronger and more decisive you act by rejecting her behavior the more attractive you are to her - and the more likely that you will bring her back to reality.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 8:04 PM, November 30th (Monday)]

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8613279
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 2:17 AM on Tuesday, December 1st, 2020

Stop financially supporting her. At least do that much.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10517   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8613283
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BigNoob ( Member #75807) posted at 2:30 AM on Tuesday, December 1st, 2020

Dan sorry that you are here please listen to the advice some here are saying.

1. Never do the pick me dance! You have been married for many years it should not even be a dance between the two of you.

2. Do not write a letter to the OM. I lived with a serial cheater/predator and the greatest joy she took was when other girls messaged her and lets her brag to her friends of harlots. They do not give a flying FUCK about You, Don't give a Flying F about your family, Don't give a flying F about your kids.

3. Kick her out of the marital bedroom she stepped out of the marriage she needs to face some consequences. Separate bedrooms/separation, 180, exposure to relevant parties your family and kids also her family.

4. Get your ducks in order.

5. Get yourself IC.

It takes two people in order to reconcile. Only takes one for divorce.

Can't carpool with somebody going the opposite way.

posts: 207   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2020
id 8613289
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Foley05 ( Member #48459) posted at 3:10 AM on Tuesday, December 1st, 2020

If this has been going on for two years, she's not confused, infatuated, or anything other than just plain gone. Thank her, or, more precisely, thank her former self for all the good years and wrap things up pronto. If what I see around me is any indication, you'll have no trouble upgrading after the D should you choose to go that route.

posts: 239   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2015   ·   location: Central US
id 8613299
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steadychevy ( Member #42608) posted at 12:16 PM on Tuesday, December 1st, 2020

I'm so sorry you are here, Dan. It's a huge shock to the system. Thankfully you found this site. It's the best club you never wanted to join or even knew existed.

I attempted suicide, Dan. As far as I know I've never been depressed. It was after about 2 days of no sleep and total disorientation. I failed, obviously. It was a completely spur of the moment decision. Had I planned it I would have succeeded. I'm so glad I failed. I have so much life to live, children and grandchildren that would have been adversely affected.

I beg you to find the suicide hot line number and keep it with you. Use it. I beg you to get counselling. As far as I can remember, I didn't have a reoccurrence of thought that way but I did think that I would welcome a natural death. My doctor told me there was a medical name for that which I promptly forgot.

Stay away from alcohol. It's a depressant and can confound your despair. Please ask for help.

How did you find out about your WW's adultery? How did they just happen to meet and reconnect in France? Something very fishy about that. Seems prearranged to me with the little information given.

I found out about my XWW's 4 year LTA (long term adultery) in the 36th year of our marriage (DDay1). I desperately wanted to try to reconcile. I don't know if I would have been able to but I gave her plenty of time to step up to the plate. I think, in the end, I wouldn't have been able to reconcile and I wasted a lot of time trying.

We separated in the 40th year of our marriage when I filed for divorce. The divorce was finalized in the 43rd year of marriage.

While it wasn't as late into your marriage as your situation it was a long marriage and we were living the dream which she contributed to and helped make happen. Hard to figure.

If this has been going on for two years, she's not confused, infatuated, or anything other than just plain gone.

This is from Foley, just above. This is truth. This isn't a one time slip. This is a thought out, deliberate, deceitful long term adultery (LTA). She has lied and lied and lied. Her heart belongs to someone else not with you. I've read that the first love (first girlfriend/first boyfriend) connections are frequent. High school reunions provide the reconnections. She's telling the truth, finally, that she does not intend to end the adultery. She has test driven him and likes the ride.

You can't wish her back. You can't nice her back. Don't try. It will be like smashing your head into a brick wall time and time again hoping it will quit hurting. It will be an exercise in futility. I know this from personal experience.

My advise is to immediately see a doctor. You may need a sleep aid. I did. Get tested for STD's. Your WW should but she won't in her state of mind.

See a lawyer or two or three about what a divorce would look like in the jurisdiction you live in. I recommend you file and have her served immediately. If the xboyfriend/ now boyfriend is married or has a significant other inform them immediately without telling your WW.

Filing and having her served may shake her up enough and she'll realize what she's risking. There may be an opportunity to try to reconcile. Some can reconcile from LTA's. I couldn't but it's up to you.

Stay on this site. You can talk it out with a whole lot of betrayed people here how want to get you out of adultery and will support you, challenge you and offer suggestions.

I'm so sorry about your situation. It's not an unusual story. Your WW is a plain old garden variety cheating adulterer. There's nothing new under the sun.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4658   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8613349
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Tigersrule77 ( Member #47339) posted at 1:43 PM on Tuesday, December 1st, 2020

Very sorry to hear that you are struggling. It is very understandable. No one should have to deal with that kind of betrayal.

It is not easy to deal with or understand, but the best thing you can do at this point is disengage. If she wants her AP, let her go. Pack her stuff for her and send her off. It will be hard, but it will prevent you from being reminded of her betrayal every time you see her.

Also, don't protect her and hide the truth. Let people know she is a cheater and is going to be with her AP. And after that, you'd rather not talk about her anymore.

We all know that you love your WW. However, the person you love no longer exists. I don't think you love a person who would lie and cheat and betray you for two years, as she did. You need to focus on that. Don't allow anger to control you, but don't be afraid to be angry at her betrayal.

posts: 1511   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8613363
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TheLostOne2020 ( Member #72463) posted at 2:22 PM on Tuesday, December 1st, 2020

Dan90254

After 43 years of marriage I found out last month that she had been cheating on me the last 2 years with her ex first boyfriend with whom she reconnected while travelling in France.

First, you are not alone. A very similar thing happened to me - my STBXW cheated with her HS boyfriend for several years.

I had the utmost trust in her and never ever questioned her faithfulness. We had a wonderful long marriage filled with laughter, love, complicity and admiration for each other. Until that phone call. I am devastated beyond belief and I thought seriously of smoking the old 38. She came back to tell me that she had no regrets no apologies and that she clearly intended to pursue the affair.

Second, it's not worth your life - you are still living and there's still so much more you can do. She's a horrible person, devoid of principles and morals - you, on the other hand, are a good person. Divorce her, heal, and live your life.

It does get better.

Take the garbage to the fucking dump and leave her there.

D-Day 1: New Year's Day 2020
D-Day 2: Jan 21 2020
There was no D-Day 3.

6/12/2020: Moved out.

3/02/2021: Officially divorced.

I'm 42 and just starting to have the answers to the universe...

posts: 892   ·   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2020   ·   location: NoVa
id 8613370
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 2:26 PM on Tuesday, December 1st, 2020

That’s a long time to be married and I can understand a fear of losing it.

Try thinking this way: Imagine your family home was on fire. It’s the home you moved into as a young couple, maybe raised some kids in there, the marks by the kitchen door showing how they grew, the walls you have painted every five to ten years, the old couch you nap in… Everything going up in flames.

Doesn’t matter how much you hate the flames. Doesn’t matter how unfair it is that your house is burning. It’s burning.

You wouldn’t sit in the couch refusing to admit the flames are heating up.

That’s where you are. Your wife is feeding the fire in your marriage, the fire being her decision to have an affair. You need to escape the fire and then see if it can be extinguished. If not – well… the shell of your old house won’t provide the same use and shelter as it did.

With that in mind then I suggest the following:

Tell your wife that you won’t stand in the way of her happiness, but that YOU refuse to share your wife. She’s free to be with OM, can move in with him, date him whatever. Only not as your wife. Tell her that it’s inevitable that you start the process of ending your marriage – both emotionally and legally. It’s a process and the legal aspect is controlled by the laws of your state and you will abide by what the law says.

Ask that out of respect for your marriage that she not have him in your house, that she go to his place and that she be discreet and quiet if talking to him near you. Ask that she not flaunt the affair. But that YOU are getting out of infidelity. Offer her that she can move in with him at his place and it won’t impact who get’s what in divorce.

Then start the process. Start researching what D looks like in your state. Start asking around about good divorce attorneys. Start gathering the required documents.

Start telling stakeholders where you are headed. You have kids? Let them know. Family and friends? Let them know. Nothing mean – just be factual: Jane and I are divorcing because she is having an affair with Bob and won’t end it. I don’t share my wife.

If at any point your wife wants to slow down or is annoyed that you aren’t accepting her affair then remember: IF she ends the affair and if she is accountable then you two can try to work things out. In my burning house analogy then that would be extinguishing the flames before the whole home is burned and then trying to see what can be recovered or rebuilt. But while the flames are burning / affair ongoing there is no hope at all.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8613373
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gr8ful ( Member #58180) posted at 3:53 PM on Tuesday, December 1st, 2020

Would it be fair to say that in the burning home analogy the WS is standing outside holding a flame-thrower with a big grin on their face?

posts: 82   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8613394
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Marriagesucks ( Member #46828) posted at 6:11 PM on Tuesday, December 1st, 2020

I agree with steadychevy. Even with the 'Readers Digest' version of your story... my spidey senses are off the charts. I don't believe for a minute that 'she reconnected while travelling in France, is anywhere near the truth. That was simply just the honeymoon faze of their debauchery.

With that said... Why in the hell is your wife traveling abroad with an old boyfriend?

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

posts: 2043   ·   registered: Feb. 16th, 2015
id 8613433
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SlapNutsABingo ( Member #71353) posted at 8:13 PM on Tuesday, December 1st, 2020

Start finding love wherever you can. Your family, her family, friends, whomever. Tell the word what she has become and give her what she wants.....

Preferably wrapped and in time, if possible, by the 25th.

posts: 383   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2019   ·   location: WI
id 8613473
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KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 8:23 PM on Tuesday, December 1st, 2020

Dan:

Please, don't hurt yourself. She is not worth destroying yourself. PLEASE, seek professional help, not just a pack of (admittedly helpful) Internet strangers.

What happened to you has happened to almost every member of this board. We have felt your pain. I have. I thought I had a great marriage, it turned out I was fooling myself. SO I was made into a chump. I always knew I didn't do anything but be a good husband and a great father, just like you have.

Start focusing on your mental health, and dealing with the fact that your wife has left you for another man. It isn't going to be pleasant, but we can help you through this. Sending strength and resolution.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
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“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8613476
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Westway ( Member #71747) posted at 10:17 PM on Tuesday, December 1st, 2020

Dan I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. But you have to get hold of yourself and start thinking things through. First of all, freeze all you joint accounts with her. Don't let her get you into any more debt. Take half your savings and move it into accounts under your name only.

Go see a lawyer immediately and find out what your rights are. In fact, go see three. I know you are hurting and in pain, but you have to get mean my friend: mad dog mean, because your wayward wife doesn't give a sh*t about you and she will do whatever she has to do to come out smelling like a rose on this. She is the enemy now. As painful as that is to accept, you need to start accepting this as fact and do everything you can to protect yourself.

Expose her far and wide to everyone: you kids, her family, yours, and even close friends. Do not let her take control of the narrative because she will lie and do everything she can to trash you to friends and family.

I know you are hurting and bleeding out, but you cannot waste any time. Move quickly! She has a two year head start on you.

Me: 52;

XWW: 50 y.o. serial cheater

Married 22 years, Together 24
2 Daughters: aged 16 and 20
DDay: 9/20/19
Divorced 12/03/20.

posts: 1366   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8613524
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 Dan90254 (original poster Member #75925) posted at 2:47 AM on Wednesday, December 2nd, 2020

In response to a post ...

We are French and my wife and I grew up in the south of France. She went to France quite often in the last few years to take care of her elderly mother. She did not travel with her ex boyfriend but re connected with him there. The guy is a psychiatrist.

posts: 50   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Southern California
id 8613566
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RealityBlows ( Member #41108) posted at 6:34 AM on Wednesday, December 2nd, 2020

43 years....

Mind blowing isn’t it. 25 years in my case. 25 years, three kids, close families, friends, beautiful home and life style, promising careers, love, intimacy, fun, romance, beautiful memories, travel, and well laid mutual plans for our retirement.

All out the window in an incomprehensible moment. No fair warning. No warning what so ever and no explanation. Struck inexplicably like a freak illness out of nowhere.

Left me sitting, where you are right now, confounded in the middle of Bigger’s analogous burning house, in disbelief of the inferno around me, wondering where the hell do I go from here. All so absolutely overwhelming, heartbreaking, frightening.

You’re about to experience a wide range of emotions typical of great loss and extreme grief and PTSD. Suicidal ideology, denial, anger, bargaining, self blame and, eventually acceptance. Experience these emotions as you will but, don’t surrender to them. Understand them for what they are but don’t compromise yourself. Put your shoulder into the wind, and brace yourself for a wild ride always keeping in mind that...

There is going to be another chapter to your life that is very much worth living for. A chapter that you get to write all for yourself. Many of us are standing here on the other side, having gone through this same shit, and can vouch that new beginnings, new relationships, and new experiences await you if you take good care of yourself and don’t languish too long in the ruins of your burnt house.

Cherish the happy memories of those 43 years. Take them with you. Pack them in a safe place. Be grateful to have had them and make room for new memories. Whether you successfully D or happily R, you’re entering a new chapter of your life. After you’ve gone through the worst of it, when you begin to recompose yourself, start writing that chapter.

posts: 647   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8613596
Topic is Sleeping.
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