Newest Member: Loyalandbetrayed

Just Found Out :
The wife & I took a two day break and she went to her ex.

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Mrmister15 (original poster New Member #75932) posted at 12:48 PM on Monday, November 30th, 2020

So wife and I decide to take a break from each other and we would split time with the baby. Well it had only been two days and her ex texted her and they hung out.

wife and I decide to take a break from each other and we would split time with the baby. Well it had only been two days and her ex texted her and they hung out. Her ex ruined her life and cheated ol all the time she said. She told me before she never wanted to talk to him again and he used to take drugs and they dated off and on a long time ago. Her ex physically abused her and broke up with her when she miscarried. Well I did not know she was hanging out with her ex at the time just two days after we split, but on the third day I tried to win her love back. So I surprised her with a gift and chocolates but when she saw it she was shocked. I told her I wanted to fix things and I was sorry for working out too much. That was the reason and also I ignored her all the time, there was times I did because she yelled and I did not want to argue with her. She told me she would think about us but she texted back later and said we would not work and she did not want to take a chance at feeling depressed again. I understood so on the fourth day is when I took the baby and her to go see the Christmas lighting and when we went to eat after that is when I found out about her and her ex. She told me they kissed but would not talk me if they slept together or not. She even bring the baby around him and spent thanksgiving with his family. I was okay with her being happy with another guy but I did not want her to get again because it was her ex that caused her to be really depressed. I wanted what was best for her, but l did not want the baby around her ex at all just yet. When I found all that out I broke down and cried when she was not there. I try to do all I can to keep my baby safe, the baby is main priority now. I am trying to move on but I don’t want my ex wife now to get hurt. She said he has changed and is getting his life back together. I am trying to move on but it is tough. But I find myself still crying and it has been only a 4 days after I found out. I still miss my ex wife and will she give me a second chance later in time? I wish her the best and hope she is happy atleast. But I miss her so much, and I am having a tough time moving on, but I am trying. I want what is best for my baby mainly.

posts: 1   ·   registered: Nov. 30th, 2020
id 8613097
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HellFire ( Member #59305) posted at 2:49 PM on Monday, November 30th, 2020

If you do some digging, you will find that this affair didn't just happen the second day you were apart.

You worked out,and ignored her. Sounds like excuses she came up with to get you out of the house,so she could see him more freely.

posts: 3706   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8613111
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survrus ( Member #67698) posted at 2:52 PM on Monday, November 30th, 2020

MrMr,

You need to get a DNA test for the baby.

You should accept that the affair with the ex was going on for a long while.

If the baby is not yours and very young it may be a good time to completely disconnect and marry someone else.

posts: 1036   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8613112
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 3:29 PM on Monday, November 30th, 2020

You need to wake up to reality. This didn’t just happen. She arranged the breakup to see her x and it was a sexual affair.

See an attorney and file for divorce. Staying in this will be a waste of time. Sounds like she wants to keep you on the back burner in case this doesn’t work out. Why would you allow this? Get some self worth.

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8613125
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Tigersrule77 ( Member #47339) posted at 3:44 PM on Monday, November 30th, 2020

would not talk me if they slept together or not

This means she did sleep with him.

You need to start the 180 HARD. totally disconnect from your WW, other than to talk about your child. And DON'T TALK TO HER. Communicate by text or email only. It will help you detach.

I have to agree with the others that most likely your WW was seeing OM before she moved out.

We all know that what you are dealing with is very difficult. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Focus on yourself and your child. Your WW is showing you by her actions that she does not want to be married any more. YOU can't change her mind. Don't try to fight her on this, you will lose. Until SHE decides she wants to be in the M, you can't make her.

Please keep checking in for support and advice. Hopefully we can give you some good advice, and save you some trouble.

posts: 1511   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8613128
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Freeme ( Member #31946) posted at 3:56 PM on Monday, November 30th, 2020

Well it had only been two days and her ex texted her and they hung out.

I agree with the above posters. I think if you were to examine things you would find out that this did not "just happen" recently. Check her phone records and see how often they text or talked. The reasons for the "seperation" aren't ones that would break-up a marriage with a small child. They are excuses to blameshift problems to you so she can carry on an affair and not be at fault (in her mind).

You are doing the pick-me-dance trying to get her back. The Pick-me-dance never works. It only makes her think that she is so special that she can have both you and him at the same time. That if she changes her mind about him you will be right there to take her back and forgive her. All your attempts to "save her" from this evil past boyfriend are seen as you being jealous... She's not going to hear them.

Please read up on the 180 and begin doing it. She is no where near reconcile material. This does not mean that your marriage is over. This means that you need to detach and see things clearly in order to get out of infedeilty.

Focus on you and your baby. Detach so you can see this situation more clearly. When you find out how long the affair has actually been going on I'd start outing her friends and family.

posts: 2801   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8613131
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Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 3:59 PM on Monday, November 30th, 2020

Remember that iceberg that took down the titanic? Very little of it showed on the surface. What was underneath was deadly. If you read here long enough you’ll find out that these tiny little lies that are told are covering up for the deadly ones underneath. The ones that kill your sense of self-worth and your marriage. You need to look a lot deeper than what she’s telling you.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2902   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8613132
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survrus ( Member #67698) posted at 4:03 PM on Monday, November 30th, 2020

MrMr,

The fantasy of being able to save a worthless abusive ex is very powerful btw and we see it happen all the time.

It may make no sense to you as your W "hates" her ex, but hate is not the opposite of love indifference or contempt is.

posts: 1036   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8613134
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Apparition ( Member #75755) posted at 10:23 PM on Monday, November 30th, 2020

It may make no sense to you as your W "hates" her ex, but hate is not the opposite of love indifference or contempt is.

I’m not sure I’m in a position to give much advice, but the above is 100% true. Hate and love can harbor in the same heart, indifference is the polar opposite of hate or love. Also, do read some of the advice on accepting that there is a lot you likely do not know about your WWs affair. Be strong, head up, shoulders back, chest out, and take care of you.

Me: BH
Her: WW (expert serial cheater)
Status: Divorcing

posts: 220   ·   registered: Oct. 28th, 2020
id 8613222
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Westway ( Member #71747) posted at 10:49 PM on Monday, November 30th, 2020

This affair has been going on a while.

And your working out has nothing to do with her cheating. Her brokenness is her problem, not you.

She's not coming back. Get your legal ducks in a row and file for D.

Me: 52;

XWW: 50 y.o. serial cheater

Married 22 years, Together 24
2 Daughters: aged 16 and 20
DDay: 9/20/19
Divorced 12/03/20.

posts: 1366   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8613227
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Tanner ( Member #72235) posted at 11:37 PM on Monday, November 30th, 2020

on the third day I tried to win her love back. So I surprised her with a gift and chocolates but when she saw it she was shocked. I told her I wanted to fix things and I was sorry for working out too much.

Please stop this, detach and stop chasing her. You cannot nice her back, been there, tried that. It only validated her actions and made things worse. It’s ok to cry and be emotional, just not to her or in front of her. Time to find and harness your anger. Take control of this, turn around and head the other direction.

Best Wishes to you.

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54
WW 47
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown, twin boys 12 yo 2 grandkids

One day you will tell your story how you overcame what you are going through now, and it will become part of someone else’s survival guide.

posts: 714   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8613246
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 11:44 PM on Monday, November 30th, 2020

on the third day I tried to win her love back. So I surprised her with a gift and chocolates but when she saw it she was shocked. I told her I wanted to fix things and I was sorry

This is the infamous “pick me” dance and will just lower your status.

If she isn’t trying to win you back you’ve got nothing to work with.

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8613249
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 12:19 AM on Tuesday, December 1st, 2020

Stay away from her, so you can understand if your absence will create an emptiness on her. If she feels it she will try to win you, if not, you can go on living your life without her.

Try to find out if her affair started before your breakup. If it is, don't come back together even if she comes back.

posts: 476   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8613257
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RocketRaccoon ( Member #54620) posted at 3:26 AM on Tuesday, December 1st, 2020

I still miss my ex wife and will she give me a second chance later in time?

Whoa! Hold on there! You need a re-adjustment to your thought process.

The Betrayed Spouse (BS) should NEVER hope for a second chance! If any party is to hope for a second chance, it is the Wayward Spouse (WS).

Why should the victim hope to have a second chance with their abuser?

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 888   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8613301
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 3:59 AM on Tuesday, December 1st, 2020

Sorry for the position you find yourself in. It is no coincidence that two days after calling a break her abusive ex has undergone a change and is the ideal partner that can help her.

Not kicking you when you are at your lowest but I am calling her on it. STD checks, DNA check your child you don’t need her permission to do this. To protect your child from a abuser seek legal advice now. She may like being in a abusive relationship thinking she can change him cause of her love for him hoping he will change. Not hurting the children etc.

She has gone, time for you and the child only. 180, legal and medical advice. Supply copious amounts of literature on abusive relationships. It is never ok to abuse any one regardless! Respect your self and the children. Your STBX is living in unicorn fart land. Abusers are cowards and hardly ever change.

On a side note I help teach self defence to bartered spouses so have a biased opinion on abusers.

One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8613307
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Organic2003 ( Member #69811) posted at 6:39 AM on Tuesday, December 1st, 2020

Dear (((MR)))

Her ex physically abused her and broke up with her when she miscarried.

Can you prove that or have good evidence? This could help you in custody of your baby.

So I surprised her with a gift and chocolates but when she saw it she was shocked

Don't EVER do anything like this again. Trust me I am the guy who bought roses and put rose peddles in a bath after my WW came home. The "Pick Me Dance" never ever works it just rewards the behavior.

She said he has changed and is getting his life back together

I doubt it! He will lie, cheat and abuse her again. He is a POS with no morals. Do not compete with this. Get your self worth together, exercise and protect your child. Make yourself into the prize. Find some anger,! she is treating you horribly and I am guessing has always treated you poorly. BTW, I had a young employees WW leave him for an abusive exboyfriend, that boyfriend shook his baby to death. Protect that baby!

Respectfully

Organic2003

[This message edited by Organic2003 at 12:46 AM, December 1st, 2020 (Tuesday)]

There is opportunity in EVERYTHING

posts: 137   ·   registered: Feb. 19th, 2019
id 8613326
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 10:44 AM on Tuesday, December 1st, 2020

It doesn’t matter if her ex has changed. The fact that she’s justifying this relationship after everything this guy did is scary.

She’s willing to accept the abuse and disrespect from her ex. She’s addicted to the drama and emotional upheaval.

Nothing you can do except protect yourself and your family from her. So sorry for you. Just know you will survive this. We all do.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10517   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8613329
Topic is Sleeping.
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