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Echo86 posted 11/22/2020 21:57 PM

Hi everyone,
I havenít been here in quite a while. Itís been almost a year since Iíve been divorced, and 2 years since Iíve been separated. I get occasional love novels from my ex, but the communication bombing has been dwindling, or at least it has for the past few weeks.

I started off so strong after my separation. Got a new job, got into the best shape of my life, was going ďthough itĒ but staying hopeful about the future. And now, here I am... working 12-14-hour stressful days from home, barely leaving my apartment, gained a record number of lbs over the past 8 months, feeling like a shell of myself and questioning all of my life choices. Havenít gone on a single date, my eggs are drying up, and my social life consists of my parents mostly. Sooo yeah! Not living my best life at all. And feeling just - sad and empty. And not quite sure what the hell to do about it given the state of the world.

So thought Iíd pop in here in case anyone else is feeling as bummed as I am, or absolutely wonderful and has some words of wisdom to share.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 11/23/2020 03:19 AM

I'm with you there. I'm not doing any dating, online or otherwise during a pandemic. After 1 COVID exposure without getting it thankfully, it doesn't seem worth it - that and OLD just creeps me out. I am questioning a lot of my decisions - even those which pre-date meeting the cheater - and feeling generally miserable. So yeah, misery, meet company.

The1stWife posted 11/23/2020 04:20 AM

At least you are living in peace. It has to be better than it was.

TheLostOne2020 posted 11/23/2020 08:13 AM

Honestly I would rather be sad and alone than sad, feeling alone and unappreciated, and with my ex.

I've started to check out online dating and I'm talking to people. I don't know if I'm going to pull the trigger or not, but I'm much happier where I'm at (which is not great) than where I was (living in the bowels of Hell with El Diablo).

Palmetto9213 posted 11/23/2020 20:04 PM

Echo, my timeline is very close to yours, sep approx 2 years, and my divorce is final.

I waffle back and forth between feeling bummed, and then feeling really positive about my life and the future. Some days, (like today), I feel sad, lonely, depressed and think "is this as good as it gets?" ...I have to push myself to exercise regularly, eat right, volunteer, reach out to friends, etc....but sometimes it still feels like I'm faking it. But I am determined to fake it till I make it!

Other days, I feel true happiness and peace with my life, my activities, and myself. I choose to believe that gradually, the pendulum will shift and I will have more positive days than negative.

I share theLostOne2020's sentiments that even on my 'bad days', they're still better than being where I was with the ex.

May I suggest trying to set daily small, realistic daily goals? I make an actual list so I can cross them off as I do each task and it really helps to give me a sense of accomplishment, even if the items on my list are as mundane as Go to Post Office to buy stamps, or mail a "I'm thinking of you" card to a friend or relative. Add an exercise task like "walk 20 minutes outside", and anything else that won't add stress to your day.

As for Social things, despite the pandemic, I refuse to live like a hermit. I am selective, smart and safe about my outings. (Even people who have restricted all contact are testing positive.) And I believe we still need that human contact and as much as you love your parents, some other adult stimuli/interaction is needed to get you out of this funk. Maybe you can invite just 2 or 3 ladies/friends/anybody over for a Wine Down Wednesday gathering, or a card or Scrabble night, a parking lot party with chairs set up 6 feet apart- you may just find that the people you invite need this interaction more than you do!...

I certainly don't have this figured out but I'm trying, and I hope you find these suggestions helpful. Lastly, hang out here on SI and let these fabulous people help you get over his blip on your radar and back on track to feeling good about your choices and your life. We're all here for you!

EvenKeel posted 11/24/2020 07:37 AM

Echo - I think you are actually being too hard on yourself.

There is a different healing that starts once the ink is officially dry on the D. So you are really only one year out from that.

Factor in the world's stress right now.

I say you are being too hard on yourself because this is not a steady climb up. It is filled with a rollercoaster of ups and downs. So it sounds like you came out of the gate with a steep climb. That is not maintainable. You have to level out and dip from time to time. That is ok. What is important is you keep moving forward.

Pick one thing you can work on so you don't get overwhelmed. Maybe it is a walk each day, maybe it is shutting down your work computer after X hours and just giving yourself time. Maybe set a date with some friends to do something socially safe (or at least zoom).

I really think you are being hit with a double whammy of healing combined with isolation - do not be so hard on yourself.

(I am 10 yrs out from D. I hit the highs and the lows of healing....and it is ALLL better than being where I was 10 years ago)

twicefooled posted 11/24/2020 08:00 AM

Congratulations on making huge strides in your new beginning. You have come a long way!!!

I have found that the majority of people that I know (including me) have gained the Covid 19 (there's just more of us to love!)

I have dated during Covid. Gave me a great excuse for no hand holding, hugging or kissing. I actually found love in September, the first man in 7yrs that I felt honest to goodness love that didn't make me second guess myself.

Be gentle with yourself and when you feel blue, remember how it was when you were trapped and take a deep breath of freedom <3

ThisIsSoLonely posted 11/25/2020 03:58 AM

There is no such thing as careful enough:

I am selective, smart and safe about my outings. (Even people who have restricted all contact are testing positive.) And I believe we still need that human contact and as much as you love your parents, some other adult stimuli/interaction is needed to get you out of this funk.

I had this exact thought and behaved this same way and it was a mistake. I can make it through. I have to and not by taking my health and the health of others for granted. Zoom is now my best friend.

I was careful too (re the pandemic) - working from home for 9 months, seeing only my WH and the checker at the grocery store - seriously I was about the most quarrantined person I knew. I decided to leave to help my dad move, which required me driving across the country (16 hours of driving per day to reduce contact). Then interacted with my dad, and decided to visit a friend (my Dad moved to where I used to live). I went to her house 1 time, and interacted with her, her husband, and her adult handicapped son (none work and all have been staying home). 4 days later she calls and tells me her adult son is COVID+ so now I have been exposed as has my 79 year old Dad.

So far we are okay - 8 more days to go.

Seriously, the universe is telling me I need to pull my head out and NOT be so wrapped up in my own misery. It was the wake up call I needed...it's not all about me.

This too shall pass my friend - you are stronger than you know.

Shehawk posted 11/26/2020 19:15 PM

Hello Echo

We are rooting for you!

Most of us know how this feels. It is not a shocker if we are hard on ourselves. It is not surprising if we feel inadequate and unsure.

We are in the middle of a global pandemic (trauma) on the back of surviving infidelity (trauma).

You've got this! You've got the spark. You just need some fresh oxygen to make it burn bright!

You are beautiful. Capable. Mighty.

One step at a time one day at a time.

You can take the energy you wasted on your chex (cheating ex) and use it to make a beautiful new life.

Hedwig posted 11/29/2020 14:42 PM

Echo86, I can relate. Started my NB off great, feeling free and energetic and having the time of my life with that huge weight off of my shoulders.
5 months later and I've also gained the Covid kilo's, stressed out about work and my own business and trying to figure out how to survive the holidays and winter on my own. It's the first christmas in 4 years that I'm not with wEXBF.

Covid sucks, it's made everything worse

skeetermooch posted 11/29/2020 15:32 PM

I've had some really low moments - the pandemic has hit my business very hard and it's pretty scary.

I've taken to doing a lot of outdoor activity, but my climate is good unlike a lot of the world right now. I hike, camp and work in the garden. I have a small covid-pod. We meet outdoors maybe once a month and it's really wonderful. Everyone's getting tested regularly and sticking to quarantine guidelines so that helps. I've gained a little weight too but trying to hold where I am.

One thing that helps me is setting a really exciting goal - maybe visiting somewhere amazing in a year (covid permitting) or saving for something special that I've always wanted like an instrument or art supplies or something or a plan to go back to school or learn a new thing online. Of course, all of this depends on time and money but maybe you can allow yourself some uncensored brainstorming time to dream?

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