SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello! My wife and I have been together 11 years, married for 5 but known each other since elementary school. Fast forward to now my wife wants a divorce. At first she started blaming me for pretty much everything and made it seem she’s been unhappy for awhile which isn’t true as we were going to go to Vegas for our 5 year anniversary this year and she wanted to renew our wedding vows while we were there. She was also telling her friends over the summer (few months ago) that we were going to start trying to have a kid so that’s why I find it hard to believe she’s been “unhappy”. So I actually started to believe that I had really messed up in the beginning until I found out she’s been talking to someone she met at the gym about 3 months ago. At first she said he was a “good friend” and nothing was going on. So then I saw the massive amounts of text messaging going on between the two on our phone bill and knew it was more than that. When I confronted her with that she really couldn’t lie about it anymore but was still persistent that wasn’t the reason she was leaving and she asked me not to tell anyone about him.

I got the “I fell out of love with you” “I love him” “he understands me” “I still love you, just not in love with you” “he makes me happy” “I laugh with him like I’ve never laughed with you” “I feel about him like I never did with you”. I also got the “he’s not that type of person” “he would never do that to me” “you don’t know what’s he’s been through”. Again at that point she had only known this guy for about 2-3 months.

Everyone in my family and hers is on my side in this except for her sister in law who she’s living with now because she’s just enabling all this. (She hated her sister in law for many years and couldn’t stand her but now they are best friends)She isn’t talking to her parents right now and she’s mad at them because they took my side. Everyone knows what she’s giving up with us and she is the only one who can’t see it.

She’s been out about 5 weeks and I already have the divorce ppw going on . She’s still in denial about why she’s leaving and says her affair isn’t the reason. She’s even thinking about marriage and possibly kids with this guy who’s 32 and from what I found out still lives at home.

Doesn’t this sound like typical affair behavior? For those who have had affairs, do these affairs ever actually work out?

Yes, this is typical affair behavior.

Sometimes the best thing to do is to give people what they ask for. She wants a divorce then give her one. But do so on the correct grounds.

Very often people don’t really understand divorce. They seem to view it as an alternative marriage. As if you will leave the house to her, leave with the camping-cutlery and settle for the life of a pauper in a single-bedroom apartment. Maybe even come over on Saturday morning (not too early) to clean the gutters and mow the lawn and maybe even have a cup of coffee with Joe as he sits in your chair wearing your old bathrobe.

Reality is so much different.

Read about what divorce really is in your state. Then find an attorney to guide you along to ensure a fair division of assets in accordance to the laws of your state. Don’t try this alone – you need someone that knows how to cross the t’s and dot the I’s. You don’t want a collections agency calling you 3 years from now about her credit-card debt or going for your car.

Sometimes when the affair becomes reality the WS can snap out of the fantasy.

I have already filed for divorce. We had initially agreed on certain things but she apparently changed her mind and wants more more. The house is mine and she won’t get it. She’s renting a room where she’s at now from her sister in law. She’s still in fantasy land with her new boyfriend and only being around the ppl that support her behavior.

I made the mistake of wasting a year playing the "pick me" dance. In retrospect I should have filed immediately... If she thinks the grass is greener - let her find out...

Yeah I’m past the pick me dance lol. I know that would only make things worse and which is why I took over and started the divorce filing.

FWIW, I think you're doing the best thing possible for yourself as far as recovering from betrayal. As crappy as it is, your situation is pretty ideal - no kids, limited asset division, and shorter term marriage. It's also best to file while she's still in lala land with AP. I would push the divorce pedal to the floor and hope loverboy doesn't lose his shine before everything is final.

Are you in therapy NHRA? Eating right, exercising, sleeping okay, that kind of thing?

11 years together, married for 5 and she is leaving you for someone she met 3 months ago. Whatever her motivation or malfunction, press to have the divorce complete as quickly as possible. You will avoid life long regret by doing so. Cannot say the same for her.

She is not reconciliation material. Be prepared for her to attempt to come crawling back. Probably after the AP gets her pregnant and discards her.

If you are going to want kids in the future, then 100% get out and have them with another woman.

Infidelity recovery is a rough road anyway, and most of the people here have not added kids or more kids to the mix. Find a better fit.

I talked about being realistic:

That applies both ways. How is the house yours? Do you THINK that or do you KNOW that?

Rule of thumb in the vast majority of states is that unless there is a prenup then property becomes marital property at marriage or that any property purchased after marriage is marital.

It’s precisely due to these things that getting an attorney makes sense.

If she’s making demands beyond what she’s entitled then that is something the attorney will deal with.

Yeah I am doing good. Eating, exercising and all that good stuff. She’s only been out of the house for 5 weeks so this is all still rather new.

Yeah crazy she’s throwing it all away for someone she met a few months ago...it’s my fault though you know. We don’t “get” each other anymore but her new man does. Since I don’t “get” her I couldn’t tell she was unhappy. 🙄

I already have an attorney. The house was mine before we were married, so if she tries to get anything it would be minimal.

Can you reply directly to someone or just the forum?

You are a very lucky man, I'm certain it doesn't feel that way, but you have been given a gift.

The gift was foresight, you are now able to see who/what she is and always was (her mask just slipped), without the consequences of children or significant financial entanglement. Could you imagine 10-20 years down the road and this occurring?

Competent counsel/attorney is required, the proper ones are worth their weight in gold.

The affair may or may not work out, however, does it really matter as this point?

Enjoy your life, you only get one of them to the best of my knowledge :).

Nhraracer,

I’m sorry this has happened to you. You are already doing better than 90% of the newly betrayed that you will find in the JFO forum.

Like bigger has said, your story is one of the common pattern we read here. It’s great that you are not doing the pick me dance. You were a faithful husband and she was a wife that allowed herself to get seduced by the first guy that gave her a few compliments and shared a few jokes.

It’s very very common for a cheater to consciously or unconsciously “make the marriage bad” to justify their cheating. So don’t worry too much about the bad stuff you have supposedly done; she’s just trying to make herself feel better.

Because you don’t have kids together, D means that you won’t be talking to her anymore. She goes her way, you go yours. You don’t “stay friends”.

View it this way: the AP will be gaining a cheating ex-wife, not exactly long term relationship material. You’ll be gaining the piece of mind of not building a family with someone that you can’t trust.

It’s possible that the AP is hitting on many women at the gym and will grow tired of your STBXWW. If that happens, it’s possible she would try to come back to you,with lots of tears. Or maybe it won’t happen. Just be ready to do what is in YOUR best interest t if it happens. You are no longer her protector.

In any case, you need to get tested for STDs unfortunately. Don’t be afraid to tell others, that you are divorcing your WW “because you couldn’t get along with her BF”.

Can you reply directly to someone or just the forum?

When you hit reply, you copy and paste the text you want, highlight hit and push the quote button on the left.

When you hit reply, you copy and paste the text you want, highlight hit and push the quote button on the left.

I think I did it lol.

Thanks for the reply. The first 2 weeks were the hardest for me. It’s been getting better. I just want the divorce to be over ASAP and not linger out. So I don’t have any reason to talk to her and she can crash and burn (which I believe she will, she’s not a very strong emotional person).

Almost :)

You have to highlight the text before pushing the button.

If I may try to cheer you up a little, your reply reminded me of the hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy:

“The first ten million years were the worst," said Marvin, "and the second ten million years, they were the worst too. The third ten million years I didn't enjoy at all. After that I went into a bit of a decline.”

― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

At first she started blaming me for pretty much everything and made it seem she’s been unhappy for awhile

She was unhaaaapppy. Yes, it's a common phenomenon known as rewriting the history of the marriage. Cheaters do it to justify their itch for adultery.

At first she said he was a “good friend” and nothing was going on.

You might read the short book "Not Just Friends" to understand this part better. It will give you some good insights you can work with.

I got the “I fell out of love with you” “I love him” “he understands me” “I still love you, just not in love with you” “he makes me happy” “I laugh with him like I’ve never laughed with you” “I feel about him like I never did with you”. I also got the “he’s not that type of person” “he would never do that to me” “you don’t know what’s he’s been through”. Again at that point she had only known this guy for about 2-3 months.

Very common. Exceedingly common. Right now she's deep in the fantasy of the affair. Yank her support system out from under her and let him be the one who has to supply all of her mundane needs.

She’s been out about 5 weeks and I already have the divorce ppw going on .

Move forward. Stop talking to her about anything except for how to divide assets (through your attorney).

You're doing very well here. You don't have kids? Get out!

Give her the wonderful life she believes she wants. It will all become reality very soon.

I agree with others that this actually seems much of a fantasy-driven affair rather than an exit affair. She seems to have deluded herself it's an exit affair (and it may be but it doesn't seem to have the usual hallmarks).

You should essentially "grey rock" her after this because I do think reading between the lines here she might very well try to come crawling back.

Trust me a lot of people on this board are both admiring your speed and simultaneously jealous it is this clear-cut for you.

I'm predicting fast healing for you.

And do get tested for STD's pronto!

Can I just implore you to please hold your ground when she does come crawling back? You're doing everything right.

Thanks everyone for the replies. I did also forget to mention that when she left and packed up her stuff, she did take all our wedding photos we had in the house, her wedding dress and our wedding album. Plus some of the other stuff she made for “us” she took as well. I asked her if she wanted our wedding photos we had hanging around the house and she said “yes I cherish those moments”. Talk about mixed signals. She may have gotten rid of all that after I made her mad by exposing her affair 😂. I just don’t see how anything good can become of a relationship from a person you’ve only known for a few months that you are leaving your husband you’ve known your entire life. Not really my problem, just trying to see where any logical person would make that decision.

[This message edited by Nhraracer at 1:54 PM, October 30th (Friday)]

It's not logical, not moral and not healthy.

Trying to figure out why is called "untangling the skein of their fucked-up-ed-ness"

In other words, you can keep pulling on that strand of yarn and the ball of yarn will keep unspooling.

There's no there there.

Don't waste your time.

yes I cherish those moments

She’s seriously in unicorn land, or what is commonly known as “the fog”.

How did you expose her?