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Sometimes I think that we tend to focus on the wrong issues.

It’s like if you were driving towards home in a heavy storm and you worry about running out of gas. We should be suggesting how to economize your milage – keeping a constant rev on the engine, turning off the heater and AC, maintaining a steady economic speed… Instead it’s like we are warning you that the paintjob is chipped or the music on the radio sucks.

Look – Your wife has clearly stated she wants a divorce. It’s not a maybe, it’s not I’m thinking. It’s a DIVORCE. She’s moved out, changed her name… the works.

YOU have stated you want a divorce. There isn’t much in your posts indicating you want anything else. But then even IF you would want nothing more than to reconcile… well… Without her participation it wont work. It’s not an option.

I’m fairly certain you know people that have divorced. Assuming they don’t have kids and a need to coparent: How many of them are in contact with their exes? Or still send their in-laws Christmas cards? People divorce to disengage, and with the disengagement there is a nearly inevitable disengagement for everything associated to the ex.

That includes friends often. That couple you two often went out with? The couple where the woman was your ex wife’s best friend at her last job? Well… don’t plan on going out with them in the future. It’s not because they side with the ex or think she’s “right”. Its more because they were friends with you as a couple.

Don’t fret about it. It evens out.

There is no scoreboard and at the end of the divorce a winner declared.

FOCUS on the divorce. That divorce will be resolved in two places.

Emotionally when you disengage. When you simply accept that you don’t share your wife and therefore divorce is the better option. When you realize that 6 months from now whether your then ex-wife is with the OM or Guido or joint a cult is no concern of yours whatsoever.

MAYBE she will be happy for life. MAYBE she will be miserable.

Not your concern. Your happiness or unhappiness should never be based on her situation.

Stop trying to convince her family shes wrong. Don’t try for revenge. OM isn’t a concern. Try to leave the stage with dignity.

The second place is the legal process.

You have an attorney. Have him do a fair divorce based on the laws of your state. Fair is not pushover; I definitely suggest you lean things to your advantage (things like place real financial value on vehicles if she’s driving a new BMW and you have an old Hyundai, but simply state you get one vehicle and I take the other if the cars were reversed), but if she’s entitled to your house or pension then battling that might not be worth the cost.

At the very minimum base your decisions on legal and monetary grounds rather than emotional.

Do this and you will make it home on the fumes in your tank. The music and the paintwork can be addressed from the shelter and warmth of your home.

Her sister in law knew that my wife hated her and couldn’t stand her but now they are “best friends”. My wife wouldn’t want to go see her parents if her sister in law was there. Anyway the sister in law also always turns/twists things into ways for ppl to feel sorry for her. It’s amazing how you could absolutely hate/resent someone for so long and now they are you’re best friend.

This is rather interesting. I've noticed that people who commit heinous acts tend to transition into a new social life almost instantly, like flicking a switch. Maybe your WW relates to her SIL somehow. Maybe SIL has confided in WW about her own infidelities.

This is rather interesting. I've noticed that people who commit heinous acts tend to transition into a new social life almost instantly, like flicking a switch. Maybe your WW relates to her SIL somehow. Maybe SIL has confided in WW about her own infidelities.

Yeah it’s definitely weird for sure. What does WW mean? Wandering wife or walk away wife?

Wayward Wife.

Wayward = cheater

Betrayed = the cheater’s victim

Okay thanks

She’s seriously in unicorn land, or what is commonly known as “the fog”.

Not that it matters but just for my own curiosity, on average how long does the “fog” last?

The “fog” can last a long time. My H’s fog was 6 months and he kept demanding a D. I’d say “yup we need to D” b/c you just cannot make someone stay with you if they no longer love you.

Not sure how we survived the brink of D but we did. It was a long slow reconciliation process. The first 6 months I still planned to D him.

The thing you want to know is that the cheater is not staying in the marriage without committing to do the work to repair the damage and make amends. You are not the cheater’s plan B.

I demanded a post nup to even consider reconciliation. Financially I needed to protect myself.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:43 AM, November 1st (Sunday)]

Not that it matters but just for my own curiosity, on average how long does the “fog” last?

Leaving the fog, or simply coming back to reality and accepting what you have done, is NOT easy because you have to face all this ugliness about yourself. Cheating = don't know how and/or don't have any desire to honestly confront their lives. Therefore, some cheaters NEVER leave the fog because their avoidance of self-loathing won't allow it. I'm not sure of any stats, but imo it only happens about 50% of the time.

The 'fog' is just a metaphor for 'not in touch with reality.' Each person essentially chooses to live more or less in a fog or not, because we can know only part of reality.

There is no rule for when WSes come out of their fogs; they do that at various times or not at all.

I find 'the fog' to be a useful concept. (Others view it as an excuse, but I don't.)

Waiting passively for the fog to lift is not a winning strategy. I urge you to live your life and make your own decisions based in part on what your WS is doing now.

If you want R, is your WS working towards R? If not, R is not possible, Sometimes one has to leave a WS where they are, even if they're in a dense fog.

OTOH, if your WS is heavily fogged up and you're not ready to leave, so be it.

It's a fine line. The best way I can think of right now for staying on the healthy side of the line is to keep asking yourself, 'What's best for me (and kids, if any) right now?'

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:10 AM, November 1st (Sunday)]

I’m not sitting around waiting for it to lift and her to just run back. I want this divorce to be over ASAP. I hope she doesn’t change her mind before the divorce is final. She doesn’t want to reconcile at this point because she said she’s “done trying” even though she only brought this to my attention and then a week later said “I’m done” and she did no wrong in this, it’s all my fault. None of her family is talking to her through and of this. She’s trying to get her foot back in the door with them already even though she’s only been out of the house about 6 weeks.

She doesn’t want to reconcile at this point because she said she’s “done trying” even though she only brought this to my attention and then a week later said “I’m done” and she did no wrong in this, it’s all my fault.

I'm very sorry. This is just horrible, an absolute murder of the vows of M as the WS isn't even willing to say, "Omg, I'm so sorry" and attempt to work on things. The cruelty. I am just very sorry. There is something wrong with her, most likely something worse than fog (i.e. personality disorder or something).

I'm very sorry. This is just horrible, an absolute murder of the vows of M as the WS isn't even willing to say, "Omg, I'm so sorry" and attempt to work on things. The cruelty. I am just very sorry. There is something wrong with her, most likely something worse than fog (i.e. personality disorder or something).

Yeah could be. That and she is getting a lot of attention from someone else that she probably feels she hasn’t had.

Oh she felt sad and cried about this at the beginning. “I never wanted this to happen” and so on but then when I exposed her affair at her boyfriends work where she goes to workout, she changed her tune which I figured.

Warning: WW try to come back 99.94% anyway.

Even after a divorce?? LOL

Out of curiosity nhraracer, was where she goes to workout a CrossFit box? There, there tends to be a lot of interaction between members--and between members and coaches. It is all good fun if healthy boundaries are kept, but when you mix in the endorphin highs from a good workout plus everyone being half-naked and sweating from working out, it can be quite a problematic combination for marriages, especially if one person goes and the other does not.

But anyways yes, onward and upward for you.

And, "I'm done trying" is just a rationalization, a way for her to avoid facing up to how she could betray you as she did. Pay it no mind.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 12:22 PM, November 1st (Sunday)]

Out of curiosity nhraracer, was where she goes to workout a CrossFit box? There, there tends to be a lot of interaction between members--and between members and coaches. It is all good fun if healthy boundaries are kept, but when you mix in the endorphin highs from a good workout plus everyone being half-naked and sweating from working out, it can be problematic combination for marriages if one person goes and the other does not.

But anyways yes, onward and upward for you.

No it’s actually a physical therapy center with a gym. I was a patient at this center for a few months and he was my PTA at one point. My wife’s father was as well and he knew this guy also. The guy my wife is with knows who I am and her father and he’s still carrying on like this. She started going to the gym twice a week with her dad and then started going 2 other days by herself after some time.

I never wanted this to happen

I read this as “I got seduced and it’s not my fault I felt in love, I didn’t want to hurt you”. As if... she had no control over who/when she gets attached. So, in her mind, it’s not her fault.

And when she gets mad at you for exposing her Affair, she gets mad at you for the negative publicity for something that is “outside her control”. In other words, she won’t take responsability for her actions.

And when you keep on posting about her family being on her side, I think that you are trying to reassure yourself that you are in the right, and she is in the wrong.

Your long term objective is for you to know without a doubt that all this is your STBXWW (Soon To Be X WW) doing, and move on. Soon, you won’t have any contact with her and her family and giving them 5 minutes of your time thinking about them will be 5 minutes too many.

Even after a divorce?? LOL

Yes, after the divorce is when it got far worse, I assumed the grass is greener plan didn't work out so well in Xw's case.

Starts with the nose in the tent (text or email asking if you are ok), and then shall escalate. Even informing her that had moved on with someone else didn't seem to stop it.

In the end, I just had to just ignore her for months for the attempts to finally end.

Default Posted: 1:13 PM, November 1st (Sunday), 2020 View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never wanted this to happen

I read this as “I got seduced and it’s not my fault I felt in love, I didn’t want to hurt you”. As if... she had no control over who/when she gets attached. So, in her mind, it’s not her fault.

And when she gets mad at you for exposing her Affair, she gets mad at you for the negative publicity for something that is “outside her control”. In other words, she won’t take responsability for her actions.

And when you keep on posting about her family being on her side, I think that you are trying to reassure yourself that you are in the right, and she is in the wrong.

Your long term objective is for you to know without a doubt that all this is your STBXWW (Soon To Be X WW) doing, and move on. Soon, you won’t have any contact with her and her family and giving them 5 minutes of your time thinking about them will be 5 minutes too many.

Yes you are pretty much right about that.

No her family is on my side, not hers. I haven’t tried to convince them of anything.

Yes, after the divorce is when it got far worse, I assumed the grass is greener plan didn't work out so well in Xw's case.

Starts with the nose in the tent (text or email asking if you are ok), and then shall escalate. Even informing her that had moved on with someone else didn't seem to stop it.

In the end, I just had to just ignore her for months for the attempts to finally end.

Ohh great 🙄

Nhraracer,

Would suggest you research narcissistic behavior. In particular the covert narcissist and see how closely your wife matches the documented behavior.