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Former Waywards not in Reconciliation

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JBWD posted 1/4/2021 13:13 PM

We had “the talk.” I am glad we did. We are proceeding anew with divorce. The past month or two has brought a lot of positive to my understanding of my life, and facing this unafraid is a relief.

Really finally absorbing it brings with it a refreshing lack of anguish at an uncertain future. Tears are still coming but much less from fear, far more accepting the grief that is well placed in the death of a rewarding and fulfilling phase of our life.

MIgander posted 1/8/2021 14:29 PM

Anyone else struggle with a sense of emptiness during your recovery? BH confirmed several of the implications I had read into his behaviors are true, that at the end he did only value me for money and sex, that sex and spending were the only things he enjoyed doing with me.

His intentions were separate from that though- I was so difficult to be around with my depression, anxiety and constant defensiveness and anger, that he couldn't enjoy himself else wise. Which fed into my insecurity, hurt and fears of abandonment as sex and money are easily found in many places other than your spouse.

We're not giving up on R, just breaking down the core problems in our marriage now. I'm seeing some progress in myself and in him. Me in not enabling him anymore and him in acknowledging that, despite his intentions, he really was communicating to me with his "rewards" of praise, affection after sex and or spending, that all that he valued about me were my body and my earnings.

Only now, since, "YOU FUCKED ANOTHER GUY! I CANT TRUST THAT YOU HAVENT FUCKED 10 GUYS IN THE COURSE OF OUR MARRIAGE. YOU USED TO HAVE A BODY ONLY NOW YOU DONT EVEN HAVE THAT TO OFFER!" I am feeling empty. This was yelled in anger when I did not acquiesce to his requests for more spending or the sacrifice of the allowance that we give ourselves for spending/saving/personal goals.

I'm at the point where I'm able to separate my sense of self worth from my husband's feelings toward me. Only, now that I'm looking internally for my worth, aside from being made in the image of God, I have no idea who I really am. I've been so busy all my life being a "human doing" that I have no idea what it means to be a "human being."

Did anyone ever experience this? Most of the things I know about myself are what I like to do, not what kind of person I really am (both the good and the bad- I've been mostly in touch with the bad).

R or not, how do you move through this?

JBWD posted 1/8/2021 17:05 PM

Only, now that I'm looking internally for my worth, aside from being made in the image of God, I have no idea who I really am.

I’m not a staunch Judeo-Christian churchgoer. But I believe this statement and, quite honestly, feel like that’s a pretty damn compelling argument to be satisfied with the core knowledge of who I am.

Knowledge of our divine characteristics implies, IMO, divine knowledge of us. Whatever created me knows (intrinsically) what he/she/it made. In struggling to communicate, be heard, find meaning, I find it easy to lose sight of this.

Mindfulness and meditation can go a long way towards resolving the fear of a lack of “identity.” If pressed I could give you a couple qualities of mine that I believe to be immutable- But the more I worry about them and try to find them the more elusive they become. Meditation has taught me to simply accept that those moments of panic and uncertainty may come, but that’s just fine. Anything by Pema Chodron on the topic of meditation is practical and thoughtful.

I forget if you’re in IC or not, but that’s useful also.

Bottom line- Actively LOOKING takes away from the opportunity to listen and learn. Give yourself the grace that you can find more of the kinds of answers you seek over time. Those answers won’t come in grand revelatory moments, but rather in quiet discovery along your journey.

MIgander posted 1/11/2021 07:33 AM

Thanks for the encouragement JBWD.

When I'm especially down, I go to adoration at our chapel and just sit with Jesus for a bit. Sometimes it's a hour, sometimes just 20min. It helps a lot.

I'm in IC and that's helpful. Some friends are really helpful too in weeding out unhealthy thoughts and unhelpful behaviors. I have one friend who is becoming like a mentor to me- she's been on the other side of the situation (BS- WH had an EA) and she's been helping me manage the high conflict behaviors and communication patterns we've been chewing each other up with this past week.

I did feel like something has shifted over the weekend. Had a really good cry with BH and realizing more now things about my shame and fears that were not unfounded (from my FOO), but weren't applicable to BH and his coping strategies. We're both learning. Hopefully the progress with continue in 2021 and we can gain traction this year. I'm looking ahead to not just coping with everything, but also making positive progress.

Thanks again for the support and advice. Been listening to a lot of stuff on complex trauma, shame and addiction. It's been helpful in seeing my shame hang ups and understanding how to release them. Releasing them to my BH and accepting my "limitations" as opportunities for him to shine in his help to me has been a huge breakthrough. He's also been WAY more supportive this weekend and through the week (in between our arguments) about working on looking at my contributions to his well being too. Good stuff, I'm feeling more hopeful now.

I'll check out Pema Chondron now that I've listened through the complex trauma series.


JBWD posted 1/14/2021 20:23 PM

Mediation round 1 complete. Lots of accord which means we’re likely to be at settlement at the end of next session early February. Still lots of puzzling exchanges around this process.

Have really learned that the “half-out” process was damaging to me. And the direction is helping me, I believe.

MIgander posted 1/15/2021 07:30 AM

"Half out?" What do you mean by that?

My husband has vacillated between staying and going quite a bit and that's been hard to accept. It's painful to me, but, you know, I did it to myself with my affair...

Anyhow, if you meant her being half in/ half out through your divorce discernment process (or hers really), it's not completely a reflection on you. Rather it's her figuring out whether she can best heal by herself or whether she can heal (eventually) with you. Yeah, you could have done many things better, but she had to decide for herself what was best for her.

JBWD posted 1/15/2021 08:03 AM

Yeah half out is what you described. She’s been telling people we’re divorced for a year now, and I would, at my worst, feel like I was being used for the $$$. That’s not true and I know it, but the financial uncertainty has been maddening- For both of us. It simply reached a point where making cumbersome decisions was made cumbersome by knowing we would be making them again post divorce.

Her mind was made up well over a year ago. I still think/believe change is possible but it will be on an unimagined timeline. I may very well look back at this time in a couple years and see that R wasn’t a healthy option for either of us. Regardless I’m making the most of my time and hope she is also.

Glad that the calculated amounts we got briefed are essentially what we’re doing already. It was a rare instance of expectation matching reality, and it was legitimately a comfort to know that I am putting in what I can.

JBWD posted 1/20/2021 22:16 PM

Just a vent-
I take a lot of goodness from my Group and the people in it.
But I am getting a bit flustered at the fact that even there, the vast majority of folks I talk to are in R. It’s hard to keep an even perspective when it seems like everyone expresses gratitude for the presence of the partner they almost lost.

Vent complete.

I know there’s a lot of far worse places to be- Most notably still a destructive personality who could be doing continued harm.

foreverlabeled posted 1/27/2021 09:37 AM

I struggled a lot with almost jealous like feelings, especially here where R feels like a more common outcome. Or at least thats what I precived.

It was something that I wanted in my M. I tried very hard to work towards that in every way I could manage.

Not R-ing and then ultimately D-ing left me feeling like a complete failure as well. I took it personally against myself. It was my fault. I didn't do enough or I wasn't enough.

I still grieve my old M. And truthfully thats the biggest take away for me, that there is a lot of grieving to be done. It takes time. I'm like 14 months post D and I still go through the process. Sometimes it takes minutes, sometimes days. What really gets me these days isn't so much him, just the remorse for who I was and what I did. I obviously can't think about the M without also thinking about that.

I think venting is good. It helps you move through the grief stages. Sorry you struggle here, I know that pain.

Poppy704 posted 1/31/2021 15:17 PM

I had a little meltdown today and I’m trying to calm down with a cup of tea. For those of you who don’t know my exH kept thousands of hours of recordings of me, not A related, often speaking with my therapist or lawyer, and kept those recordings as a form of blackmail and torture. I also had to sell my vehicle (which he never owned or insured) because even post divorce he was tracking it and getting recordings.

In addition to full time homeschooling and a full time job, I’m also completing the college degree I gave up in order to get married and be a SAHM. I took on a class not knowing all assignments would be video recorded and submitted to the whole group and then left to be rewatched for months. Doing the first assignment left me bawling and shaking. I still can’t even sing in my new car. I have 6 surveillance cameras on the exterior of my new home to insure that no one ever tampers with my safe place.

I know that the party line is “this is your just desserts”, but it just doesn’t feel like the punishment fits the crime in this case. If exH got his legal just desserts he’d be in jail right now, he’d have no access to me or the kids.

Darkness Falls posted 1/31/2021 16:15 PM

You know I’m basically the last person to toe the party line.

What your XH did was a violation and I’m sorry you were triggered by it having to happen again under different circumstances at school.

ff4152 posted 2/1/2021 07:24 AM


While I do think WS should be “punished” for what we’ve done, I’ve never subscribed to the notion that we should accept any/all forms of it.

I do not know your story or the full extent of what your ex has done, but at some point you need to put your foot down. It’s sounds like you’ve paid and then some. Please do whatever you can to stop this harassment.

Poppy704 posted 2/5/2021 05:14 AM

I was able to explain to my instructor that I wouldn’t be able to continue the class using this method of submitting recordings, and she was very empathetic and recognized that she hadn’t thought about it feeling invasive, she was just trying to make it feel more comfortable for the younger crowd that actually enjoys watching video of themselves.

JBWD posted 2/10/2021 08:06 AM

That SUCKS Poppy. There’s no reason for you to feel that’s warranted.

I’m glad your instructor recognized the challenge and met you on it.

JBWD posted 2/11/2021 23:04 PM

I will be legally separated in a few days. Blargh.

foreverlabeled posted 2/12/2021 12:21 PM

JBWD, I know.. its tough. I'm sorry.

JBWD posted 2/12/2021 20:13 PM

Thanks, friend!
After such a rough week at work and coming home to an empty house, that simple note moved me to tears.

JBWD posted 2/19/2021 11:00 AM

Happened to run into STBXBW around work- We’re now working about 2 blocks from each other. She was driving and I was crossing the street. She pulled over to say hi and we had a lovely 10-ish minute chat.

That WHOLE TIME everything felt right- It was verging on tender and familiar... Even when we touched on division of assets(!) Ended with her acknowledging “You look REALLY tired” and handing me an energy drink she happened to have in the car. 😊

If this is the level of friendship we will remain (OR if this is part of a slow, slow march back to intimacy) I can really live with it.

foreverlabeled posted 4/25/2021 18:05 PM

Bump mostly.

I hope everyone is doing well.

ff4152 posted 4/25/2021 18:13 PM

Having a bit of rough time. Coming up on the 2 year anniversary of my sisters passing. Fucking cancer.

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