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D-Day 3 I’m just ..I don’t know

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Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 2:04 AM on Wednesday, November 11th, 2020

👍👍

Buffer

posts: 1207   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8607571
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steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 1:30 PM on Wednesday, November 11th, 2020

SeeYa, I have great empathy for your position. It is somewhat similar to mine emotionally, I think.

My XWW has a terrible history from the time her father abandoned her family for his girlfriend and her children. My XWW was his favoured child. CSA, raped twice by two different men who she respected and was looking for a father figure, promiscuity. I didn't know 90% of it until after the DDays.

The similarity is that I have such sympathy and empathy for her and how the past has affected her. I wish she would have trusted me for full disclosure. I'm sure it would have been upsetting for me but I like to think that, together, we could have worked on it. There were things that happened during our marriage that were just off. I talked her into getting counselling a couple of times but, since there was nothing wrong with her in her mind, the problem was me and she resented it.

The adultery is a hill to far for me, SeeYa. Everything up until then would have been workable. According to your last post it is for you, too. You can have empathy for the damage done by CSA or the abuse and domination your WW had and still know it's too much for you.

My XWW didn't "love" her AP, either, SeeYa. In fact she told him she wasn't leaving me and he didn't want her to. I don't know that she really ever loved me, either, though. I'm not sure what was going on with her. I think it might have been she was repeating past behaviour and expecting a different outcome. The thing is she had a husband at home who loved and cherished her and would never abandon her.

Take a break, SeeYa, if that's what you need. You are not alone. The solution for you is personal to you. I hope you find peace and joy and love in your future. Take care of yourself. Strength.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4689   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8607645
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Westway ( member #71747) posted at 2:47 PM on Wednesday, November 11th, 2020

My XWW didn't "love" her AP, either, SeeYa. In fact she told him she wasn't leaving me and he didn't want her to. I don't know that she really ever loved me, either, though. I'm not sure what was going on with her. I think it might have been she was repeating past behaviour and expecting a different outcome. The thing is she had a husband at home who loved and cherished her and would never abandon her.

Steady I don't think your XWW was capable of loving anyone: not you or herself after going through what she went through, and that is the damnable tragedy of CSA. CSA completely distorts a person's view and understanding of what "love" is. At some point during her abuse your XWW's mind coped with the trauma by equating abuse with love. The true love you gave her was something she was not equipped to process or reciprocate.

Me: 52;

XWW: 50 y.o. serial cheater

Married 22 years, Together 24
2 Daughters: aged 16 and 20
DDay: 9/20/19
Divorced 12/03/20.

posts: 1366   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8607679
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gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 4:27 PM on Wednesday, November 11th, 2020

I have lost a partner of 26 years because I did not know about the demons in her head.

I think most BS could say the same about their partners.... just swap out the # of years (for me, closing in on 30 yrs since our 1st date).

But it's all lost due to the "demons in their heads".

Godspeed.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3509   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8607739
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steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 7:48 PM on Wednesday, November 11th, 2020

I think that's the truth, Westway, or can't love deeply.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4689   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8607870
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WalkingHome ( member #72857) posted at 8:29 PM on Friday, November 13th, 2020

The hard truth is that some people are just broken and they are who they are. You can't fix it, they won't fix it...it is just who they are.

They will break and hurt others because it is who they are.

It is sad as you want everyone to have a happy life but it isn't going to happen for everyone and if you pick a broken person as your mate, you get a broken relationship and marriage.

posts: 222   ·   registered: Feb. 19th, 2020   ·   location: USA
id 8608879
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 3:09 PM on Sunday, November 15th, 2020

Golden, I love when someone can see in my writing exactly what I wrote and then turn around and tell me I wrote something else. What I wrote is that it’s not my business whether he stays married or not. I hope he has enough empathy and sympathy to encourage her to get therapy. For any of you who have been through Molestation I recommend a long video by Marilyn van Durber. She was a Miss America back in the 50s. She was molested by her well-to-do father from early childhood until she was 18 years old and nearly lost her mind when she was in her 40s. She is very articulate about the damage that is done by child abuse. She gives several talks but the best one is her sitting down with a green plant behind her. It’s just devastating to think what happens to children.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 3003   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8609273
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TruthIsPower ( member #75776) posted at 6:26 PM on Sunday, November 15th, 2020

Steady I don't think your XWW was capable of loving anyone: not you or herself after going through what she went through, and that is the damnable tragedy of CSA. CSA completely distorts a person's view and understanding of what "love" is.

Absolutely agree with Westway. I was in communication with Carine Hustebaut from Belgium (interviews with her are in YT). She's being working with CSA victims for decades and has a book, by the way. Well, she told me that CSA is lifetime trauma. And that in many cases it's even more than just CSA, it's the process of grooming!

Walking home stated that

The hard truth is that some people are just broken and they are who they are.

Clarification has to made. For CSA victims, they were made broken purposefully! and they're today who they were groomed to be

"Stop giving people the reasons to love you. Not all will see the beauty of your soul. Those who know, those who know who you are, will love you with something fierce and never let you go. Those are the ones worth holding out for."

posts: 112   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2020   ·   location: US
id 8609310
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midnightschild99 ( new member #33465) posted at 1:11 PM on Monday, November 23rd, 2020

bump

posts: 29   ·   registered: Sep. 27th, 2011
id 8611486
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 SeeYaIamOut (original poster member #75524) posted at 10:49 PM on Wednesday, November 25th, 2020

steadychevy said:

My XWW has a terrible history from the time her father abandoned her family for his girlfriend and her children. My XWW was his favoured child. CSA, raped twice by two different men who she respected and was looking for a father figure, promiscuity. I didn't know 90% of it until after the DDays.

The similarity is that I have such sympathy and empathy for her and how the past has affected her. I wish she would have trusted me for full disclosure. I'm sure it would have been upsetting for me but I like to think that, together, we could have worked on it. There were things that happened during our marriage that were just off. I talked her into getting counselling a couple of times but, since there was nothing wrong with her in her mind, the problem was me and she resented it.

The adultery is a hill to far for me, SeeYa. Everything up until then would have been workable. According to your last post it is for you, too. You can have empathy for the damage done by CSA or the abuse and domination your WW had and still know it's too much for you.

My XWW didn't "love" her AP, either, SeeYa. In fact she told him she wasn't leaving me and he didn't want her to. I don't know that she really ever loved me, either, though. I'm not sure what was going on with her. I think it might have been she was repeating past behavior and expecting a different outcome. The thing is she had a husband at home who loved and cherished her and would never abandon her.

Take a break, SeeYa, if that's what you need. You are not alone. The solution for you is personal to you. I hope you find peace and joy and love in your future. Take care of yourself. Strength.

Absolutely everything was "fixable" or at least I would have been there to support her through her working through it. Right up to the physical affair. I believe given her circumstance I could have worked through the EA. And thank you for your help through this. I hate to see stories such as yours but in a weird way it helps to know others have come out on the other side of this in a better place.

Well I can't remember what I wrote in my last post so I'll update starting with...she signed the papers and my attorney has filed. We have an initial court date in December and from there its only about 60-90 days until final unless something goes sideways.

My daughter has decided to move in with myself and my son. She is currently online with all of her college work so it just means she will save rent and be two hours closer. She still refuses to talk to her mother and I don't see that changing any time soon. My son has begun to limit his time with his mother due to her constantly attempting to keep tabs on me and what I am doing through him.

She did come over to my house Monday evening. She knew I was alone and just popped by. I refused to let her in the house so we spoke on the front porch. Typical I am sorry and I miss you stuff. I asked her to stop badgering our son about what I was doing. It was causing issues for her with him. She said she would stop. then asked me if I wanted to have sex. I politely said no. She offered a no strings attached friends with benefits and I told her no a little more firmly. Through all of this I have completely lost interest in sex. Not with just her but with anyone.....but especially with her.

And that's about it. Again I thank each of you for your help. Especially to my friend that has been very open and practical with their advice and their own journey over the past year. It means a lot.

posts: 61   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2020
id 8612204
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ocdude ( new member #53335) posted at 3:29 AM on Thursday, November 26th, 2020

She said she would stop. then asked me if I wanted to have sex. I politely said no. She offered a no strings attached friends with benefits

Wow, what does she have going through her head?

Trying to win you back?

Your needs?

Her needs?

No improvement with her inner demons?

posts: 43   ·   registered: May. 23rd, 2016
id 8612246
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 3:22 PM on Thursday, November 26th, 2020

It really is a tragedy for all. A family of four that now have exactly what they did NOT want. Such is the power of betrayal.

If I was to guess, as difficult as this has been on SeeYa and his children, it is STBX Mrs. SeeYa that has the hardest road ahead. I don't want to diminish anything from the others, but there is decades old baggage that has not been properly dealt with....and her suggestion of sex(yet alone no strings attached) merely proves that point. She doesn't have the needed coping skills.....yet. Maybe she will never obtain these.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3855   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8612307
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longsadstory1952 ( member #29048) posted at 4:20 PM on Thursday, November 26th, 2020

I too feel sorry for her. She fucked up by the numbers but I see her as a product of abuse as well.

Everyone she knows is furious with her. I wonder how long it will take before she does something self destructive.

In the long term, I predict a number of short term relationships that end in bitterness. My real concern is that she goes back to her original abuser.

As I’ve said before, the only thing that might save her is intense psychiatric help. This is not the same as seeing a counselor. I’m talking real medical intervention.

I don’t have any sense that she has absorbed the depth of her illness.

And the saddest part is that she still cares for Seeya and hasn’t a clue about what to do. She will do anything to stay in his life. Her guilt is palpable.

So unlike so many of the cheaters we see here.

I guess the cautionary tale here is sometimes betrayal sticks no matter how much you love the betrayed.

[This message edited by longsadstory1952 at 10:28 AM, November 26th (Thursday)]

posts: 1091   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2010
id 8612317
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Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 6:09 AM on Friday, November 27th, 2020

Morning;

Just chiming in with the concern for all parties including STBX.

SeeYa lost his marriage, children alienated from their Mum and STBX who is loosing her hubby, children and the relevant of home security and remaining life with her family, including retirement etc.

I have the upmost respect for SeeYa, he has handled this as best as he can. Made his call and stuck by it.

Yes there has to be consequences for her actions including her words and disrespect.

He has articulated it better than I, stuck by his decision process. Including the no string sex bit.

As I have said prior, I help to train persons in self defence from a battered spouse or abusive relationship background. I say this is a privilege that I can do to help others.

So have a natural empathy for STBX. Not condoning or excusing her actions but sympathizing with her. She never addressed her past, so was to repeat in the future

I feel she is grasping at straws trying to hold onto what is lost. Using her son to see how SeeYa is doing, trying to head off the inevitable.

Both children had stated they want to be with Dad and daughter is moving back, but not talking in any way with her.

Again fine but I just want to get in that I have concerns for STBX well being as well as her mental state. All have lost no one is better off.

At the end of the day; all I can say is just: One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1207   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8612440
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DeWittle ( member #50857) posted at 9:07 AM on Friday, November 27th, 2020

I’ll second Buffer on your STBX being a good candidate for self harm. She appears to be grasping at straws but all seems lost.

posts: 331   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2015
id 8612459
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Sanibelredfish ( member #56748) posted at 3:59 PM on Friday, November 27th, 2020

If SYIAO's STBXWW is a candidate for self harm it is not his issue to address, she repeatedly fired him from that role. The best he could do is explain his potential concerns to his MIL or BIL and encourage them take a more active role in his STBXWW's mental health care. Any other approach gives his STBXWW hope for a future together that he understandably does not want.

posts: 754   ·   registered: Jan. 8th, 2017   ·   location: Midwest
id 8612583
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ramius ( member #44750) posted at 9:56 PM on Friday, November 27th, 2020

She still refuses to talk to her mother and I don't see that changing any time soon.

Hopefully your wife and daughter will reconnect one day. It may be a few years out, but usually time brings things around a bit.

How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife?

Their actions reveal their intentions. Their words conceal them.

posts: 1609   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014
id 8612649
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gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 2:03 AM on Saturday, November 28th, 2020

Agree with Sanibelredfish. Inform her family if there are any true concerns.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8612690
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Atrowspark ( member #63200) posted at 5:28 AM on Saturday, November 28th, 2020

I would have to disagree with those who said that Seeya's STBXW potential for self harm is none of his concern. I believe it should very much be his concern because of his children. Seeya may be fully detached, but I do not believe that is the case with his children. The last thing anyone wants is a repeat of AmbivalentOne's ending. As I recall, AO's daughters refused to talk with their mom all the way up to her suicide. They probably regretted that after the fact....I agree with those suggesting that her family be informed. And perhaps gently suggesting to your son and daughter not to fully close the door on their mom....

posts: 83   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2018
id 8612716
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Jambomo ( member #74853) posted at 9:05 AM on Saturday, November 28th, 2020

There is a difference between any potential for self-harm being his concern and being his job to fix.

I suspect that after so long together that SeeYa will be concerned about her and still care about her well-being and that is completely natural and thus he will want to help.

The best he can do though, is to tell her family and ask them to support her and get her some professional help. Neither SeeYa nor her family will be equipped to deal with potential self-harm and it is important that SeeYa doesn’t give her mixed messages or false hope of reconciliation through his being concerned as that will make things worse. He can’t be involved in her recovery.

[This message edited by Jambomo at 3:06 AM, November 28th (Saturday)]

posts: 240   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020   ·   location: Scotland
id 8612737
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