Newest Member: faithfulMan911

Just Found Out :
and now what

Topic is Sleeping.
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 newlyweddeceived (original poster New Member #75537) posted at 6:42 PM on Friday, September 25th, 2020

As I write this - my marriage is 5 weeks old. We have been together for three years, bought a house, have a dog, had a very small covid wedding and I just found out that my husband cheated on me.

There was no penetration, suggestive photos that started a month before our wedding and escalated to a blurry dick pick sent this week that I stumbled upon when checking the weather on his phone and his recent text came up instead...

The context, my parents are going through a horrible divorce. Right now. My husband knows and has been aware of the pain it's causing me to have to be so involved in a messy divorce. I personally, never wanted to get married and have been skeptical of this, it was important to him, so I agreed and couldn't have imagined my life with anyone else. I just resigned from an amazing, well-paying, fulfilling, and high power job that I love to go into his family business and grow it with him. And then I found those pictures and my whole world is shattered.

He's remorseful - very. He booked therapy appointments. He doesn't deny and fully owns the stupidity of the actions but with such a new marriage and all the other decisions surrounding our future together, how can I ever trust him? How do I proceed with going into business with him? Do I?

I'm now in a position of either having to publicly share I am not leaving my high profile role and deal with the questions surrounding me pulling-out of a family business or join my husband in his company and help him run his business while navigating how to heal from such a blow to our shaky foundations. If this happens so early on in a relationship, is there even hope of redemption?

[This message edited by newlyweddeceived at 4:42 PM, September 25th (Friday)]

posts: 2   ·   registered: Sep. 25th, 2020
id 8591434
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nekonamida ( Member #42956) posted at 6:57 PM on Friday, September 25th, 2020

Personally, if I were you, I would run to the nearest lawyer and never look back. AT MINIMUM, you may want to get a divorce even if you stay together because he convinced you to get married in the first place when you didn't want to. Get your old job back. Don't make yourself completely dependent on staying in his good graces or in the relationship in order to eat and have a place to live and never ever give anyone else that amount of power over you again no matter how trustworthy they seem.

Now you are in the driver's seat of your relationship so if you don't want to be married, stop being married. And given how likely he is to do it again, how the vast majority of cases we have heard, seen, and known here that involve a spouse cheating before marriage and cheating again after marriage, you will want to think carefully about continuing this legal and financial commitment to him. A lot of us got initial remorse and therapy from our WSes and they still cheated again. This was THE easiest time in your marriage and he couldn't keep it in his pants. How likely is he to be able to withstand temptation years down the road when there is more stress, more responsibility, and intimacy is understandably waning more due to issues beyond either of yours control? Chances aren't good.

The best time for you leave with as few obstacles as possible is today. If you're already questioning the quality of marriage that will be possible now that he has nuked it, it's probably not in your best interest to stick around to maybe feel okay with him one day or to risk a repeat performance. On average it takes 2-5 YEARS to fully heal from infidelity with a spouse who is doing everything right, continues doing everything right, and doesn't cheat or trickle truth again. That's a whole lot longer than you've been married and may even be longer than your whole relationship.

posts: 4956   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8591442
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KatieKat ( Member #16690) posted at 7:11 PM on Friday, September 25th, 2020

AT LEAST talk to your old employer and see what’s possible. See a lawyer. Do not be rushed but this is NO WAY to begin a marriage.

one of the lucky ones

posts: 272   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2007
id 8591448
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timespent ( Member #69821) posted at 7:16 PM on Friday, September 25th, 2020

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. There are no words to express the sorrow I'm know you're experiencing. You've been deceived by the very person who has so recently vowed to protect you. Unfortunately he cannot be trusted until you decide he is trustworthy. It is your decision and you can take as long as you need/want to make it. He has broken your contract and you are now free to renegotiate a new one or simply leave it.

He can say he is remorseful all he likes but you get to decide if that is true. His words are empty. He may believe he is but it has been my experience that wayward spouses take more time to process the betrayal and devastation they have caused than they think. Again, you get to decide if that is true. Listen to you instincts sounds cliche but so important in your healing whatever that may encompass . Wishing strength to you

posts: 163   ·   registered: Feb. 20th, 2019
id 8591451
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clouds777 ( Member #72442) posted at 7:21 PM on Friday, September 25th, 2020

Do not become financially dependent on a man who would do this as a newlywed.

I would recommend making him face what he's done by people knowing. If you allow him to say sorry and cry a little, you may be right back here in a few months or years because if he would do it as a newly wed, why wouldn't he do it later? Shine a light on it. Absolutely talk to your former employer if that's an option. Make it crystal clear that you will not stand for this treatment and he has to.prove his worth to you.

Of course he is remorseful now, because he may actually face consequences. I would have a hard time believing this is the first time he's done this when you just freaking got married!!!

posts: 124   ·   registered: Jan. 1st, 2020
id 8591455
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SlapNutsABingo ( Member #71353) posted at 7:23 PM on Friday, September 25th, 2020

Newly,

how can I ever trust him?

You never will.

How do I proceed with going into business with him?

You don't!....and you never tie yourself to that business either.

There was no penetration, suggestive photos that started a month before our wedding and escalated to a blurry dick pick sent this week

You don't know that, you know the "Iceberg Truth"

If this happens so early on in a relationship, is there even hope of redemption?

There are way, way to many great men (and women) out there to roll your dice on someone who has shown you who he is, and has become......

[This message edited by SlapNutsABingo at 1:35 PM, September 25th (Friday)]

posts: 383   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2019   ·   location: WI
id 8591457
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faithfulman ( Member #66002) posted at 7:37 PM on Friday, September 25th, 2020

Run, run, run away!

Somebody who would do this so early in a marriage cannot be trusted on ANY LEVEL.

Not only that, chances are this behavior did not just appear in the past 5 weeks, like @SlapNutsABingo wrote, you only know the "iceberg truth" - I like that term and will now steal it.

***

Any pain, embarrassment, or hassles you go through now will pale in comparison to what you will go through in a year, 5 years, etc. from now.

It is very difficult to grasp this right now while you are so hurt, but assuming you have no children with him - you are actually one of the lucky ones (In the horrible context of learning your spouse is a cheater).

Good luck sister!

posts: 872   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2018
id 8591462
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Lalagirl ( Member #14576) posted at 7:56 PM on Friday, September 25th, 2020

Welcome, newlyweddeceived (((HUGS)))

Don't make yourself completely dependent on staying in his good graces or in the relationship in order to eat and have a place to live and never ever give anyone else that amount of power over you again no matter how trustworthy they seem.

^^^THIS

I would look into an annulment. As others have posted, if he is already doing this (and I also agree he has likely done this before), there is something very wrong with him that you cannot fix.

And definitely get your old job back - you loved that job.

I am normally a proponent for R, but in this case, I cannot see a happy ending. I'm so sorry.

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 1:56 PM, September 25th (Friday)]

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 37 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-37 & 34 11yo GS,8yo GD&6yo. GD (DD37) and 9yo GD & 4yo GD(DD34). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8624   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8591465
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Chaos ( Member #61031) posted at 8:08 PM on Friday, September 25th, 2020

RUN. First to your former employer and then to a shark of an attorney.

Get tested for STDs ASAP. As others suggested, this may be the tip of a very large iceberg. Many tearfully confess only to what you know - not to what they actually did. And much remorse is really only regret for getting caught. Effort in "doing the work" is really just to cover their ass.

Take care of yourself. Please keep posting.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3263   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8591470
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Dragonfly123 ( Member #62802) posted at 8:25 PM on Friday, September 25th, 2020

Sorry, I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but believe you and me everyone above is spot on.

RUN. Or at the very least get your independence back re financial security and sit back and watch.

DO NOT get yourself into a situation where you are any more beholden to this man.

IMHO no cheater is remorseful straight away, especially if they were found out. It’s damage control. He’s trying to control the situation. Owning his actions is most likely just telling you what you want to hear.

If he’s seeking ego kibbles from other women in the first few weeks of marriage he is absolutely not a safe partner. I had a partner when I was younger who wanted to marry me, he was a cheat, I left him, he went on to cheat on the woman he married repeatedly in their years together. He went to counselling etc etc, made not a jot of difference.

I’d run, but as I say if you won’t do that, get some real financial separation and shore yourself up.

You did not deserve this.

When you can’t control what’s happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening. That’s where the power is.

posts: 1627   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2018
id 8591475
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 8:31 PM on Friday, September 25th, 2020

He's remorseful - very. He booked therapy appointments. He doesn't deny and fully owns the stupidity of the actions but with such a new marriage and all the other decisions surrounding our future together, how can I ever trust him? How do I proceed with going into business with him? Do I?

He might be sorry, but it's really too soon for real remorse. He'd have to sit with that awhile, figure out what's missing in his character which would allow him to say "yes" to that kind of perfidy. From that vantage point, he then has to empathize with what he's done to you, the person he promised to love and protect but chose to willfully victimize. It's a process getting to real remorse.

For right now though, I agree with others who have recommended that you see if it's possible to get your old job back. If not, one similar to it which would be independent of your relationship. If that means job-hunting while he pays the bills, that's the cost of unzipping his pants and emailing crotch shots.

In terms of the marriage... I've been married over 35 years and in hindsight, I would run from this kind of behavior. But that's me, not you. I remember how attached I was three years in. Here's the thing though... this kind of behavior escalates. The WS is getting a biochemical payoff from the behavior, a little bump of dopamine and adrenaline. Emotionally, the WS is getting off on external validation. There's nothing in his character which precludes the behavior. His core values of honesty and fidelity are weak and permeable. He has few if any boundaries surrounding his core values to protect them.

ALL of that has to be fixed. It's not enough to go to therapy and whine about his low self-esteem or whatever. He has to do the actual WORK to repair the defects in his character which allowed the cheating. Otherwise, he'll never be safe. He'll be capable of acting the part, but in 5 or 6 years, he'll be back at it again.

It's your call if you want to stick around for that. People can change, but it's really difficult, painfully introspective work, and most won't get it done. They have to see the need for it and want it more than anything.

You have a hard choice to make. My advice is to make that choice about what's best for you. Ultimately, this is YOUR life and you're the one who has to live it. Make that choice a conscious one.

((big hugs))

posts: 4514   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8591479
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 9:58 PM on Friday, September 25th, 2020

Generally you get more targeted/useful advice when providing more information.

For example:

- how old are you guys?

- dating experience or prior marriages?

- any kids?

posts: 2408   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8591497
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 10:00 PM on Friday, September 25th, 2020

Do not financially tie yourself to him. Keep yourself financially independent. Do not join the family business. Do not do anything but start separating things as much as you can.

Always always always remain independent no matter who you date or marry or live with. Forever.

Get your old job back if you can. If not get a new one.

Get yourself a good counselor to support you. Even if you only go a few times it’s worth it.

Put the house in the market ASAP. Get out from that huge asset even if you take a small loss. You don’t want this hanging over your head in the future. Make that a number one Condition - whether you stay or go. It will take 90 days and by that time you will have made a decision.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10504   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8591499
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 newlyweddeceived (original poster New Member #75537) posted at 10:07 PM on Friday, September 25th, 2020

Hi all - thank you for all of the incredibly thoughtful advice. I am obviously new to this and clearly learning the ropes.

We're "youngish" - I am 35, he is 46. No children. Neither of us have been previously married (though I have declined several marriage proposals as... again, not a huge fan of marriage due to my personal experiences from my parents).

I really appreciate the community & the resources that everyone has provided. I believe in my heart that reconciliation is a possibility but my mind is still hung up on the timeline + the selfishness of this act.

Married 8/18/20

D Day was 9/22/20

[This message edited by newlyweddeceived at 4:38 PM, September 25th (Friday)]

posts: 2   ·   registered: Sep. 25th, 2020
id 8591502
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 10:12 PM on Friday, September 25th, 2020

Whether you D or R, your next moves in the short term are pretty much the same.

- set a serious tone: inform him that you currently lean towards divorce but will hold off making a final decision for 90 days (extent as necessary) to give yourself time to make a rational/calm decision (in the interim he can prove he deserves a second chance).

- insist on a timeline of his affair, including each conversation and pics, and how he felt at the time as well as afterwards - subject to a polygraph (which will inquire if this was the first OW).

- I'd ask for letters: one giving 10 reasons (excluding love) why he wants you as a life partner; and the other giving 10 reasons why you should ever trust him again.

- inform him that you will judge him entirely by his actions vs his words/promises; and have him provide (in writing) a detailed plan to rebuild your trust

- Both read: "Not Just Friends' by Dr Shirley Glass .......and "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful" by Linda McDonald.

Easy reads and you can buy them used on Amazon.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 4:13 PM, September 25th (Friday)]

posts: 2408   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8591504
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 10:15 PM on Friday, September 25th, 2020

If you R, I suggest you insist on a postnup to protect you in case he repeats.

posts: 2408   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8591505
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 10:29 PM on Friday, September 25th, 2020

This is awful. Truly awful. I am so sorry this has happened. Our hearts ache for you in this situation.

Please get your old job back if you can, and file for divorce as quickly as you can. You cannot try to reconcile with someone who can't even remain faithful for a short time.

You have no kids and as yet no real entanglements together.

Please run for your own sake and sanity.

Whatever embarrassment you believe will ensue is not likely to materialize, and you will be saving yourself a lifetime of heartache.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4214   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8591506
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faithfulman ( Member #66002) posted at 10:41 PM on Friday, September 25th, 2020

He's 46 and cheating 5 weeks into marriage?

I think your choice is to either decide to be with a man like this or to leave him.

His cake is baked, he's very unlikely to change.

That's pretty heavy to contemplate after you took "the plunge", but think it over.

posts: 872   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2018
id 8591514
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StillLivin ( Member #40229) posted at 11:43 PM on Friday, September 25th, 2020

Run. Then get into counseling. From my perspective, you may be codependent. You gave up so much for someone who gave up nothing, to include other women. It is not healthy to be in a relationship where you are the one giving and giving up, and your partner isn't doing the same.

BTW, your partner married you under false pretenses. He mislead you into thinking you were the only one. This may be grounds for an annulment instead of a divorce. See an attorney and find out what your options are.

"Bitch please a good man can't be stolen." ROFLMAO - SBB
D: 7/2/2014

posts: 5955   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2013   ·   location: AZ
id 8591528
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Underserving ( Member #72259) posted at 1:31 AM on Saturday, September 26th, 2020

I thought I had only caught my WH (wayward husband) talking and exchanging pictures with women on Snapchat. I shared about it when I discovered this site. I too was told I likely only had a small part of the truth. Boy were they right. He had a full fledged A. Even when caught cheaters will only fess up to what’s already been proven. It sucks, but happens more often than not.

You’re still young, have no children, and even if it’s not what you want to hear, the best way you could heal from this is to bow out now. Marriage is hard, infidelity makes it ALMOST impossible.

Even those who choose to R after decades of marriage are taking a pretty large gamble. Some the risk is worth the reward. Not sure you will have much reward with this guy.

Wishing you the best no matter which route you choose!

BW (32)
Found out 3 years post end of A
D-day 12-9-19
Meh-ing through R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 647   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8591542
Topic is Sleeping.
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