Newest Member: faithfulMan911

Just Found Out :
Just found out... don't know what to do next

Topic is Sleeping.
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HellFire ( Member #59305) posted at 5:59 PM on Saturday, September 12th, 2020

Just tell her you know she is having an affair. Don't reveal your sources. She will deny. Keep telling her you know. If it were me, I wouldn't reveal any evidence. I'd save that for court.

posts: 3703   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8586788
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steadychevy ( Member #42608) posted at 6:24 PM on Saturday, September 12th, 2020

I'm glad for you that you got this, serenity. It didn't take long did it. The opportunity for them just couldn't be passed up.

This is what I wish I would have done and why I recommended it. In hindsight it would have been as easy for me. But, I didn't hire the PI to my detriment.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4657   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8586793
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bluewater ( Member #9297) posted at 6:25 PM on Saturday, September 12th, 2020

Should I wait and talk to the lawyer to see about the evidence? I think it is more than enough to prove adultery.

Speak with your lawyer first and before you do anything. What you think is sufficient evidence in your mind may not be sufficient in court.

posts: 656   ·   registered: Jan. 5th, 2006
id 8586794
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 9:21 PM on Saturday, September 12th, 2020

Should I wait and talk to the lawyer to see about the evidence? I think it is more than enough to prove adultery.

Copy paste my last post:

Start with Step 1:

CLEAR legal advice on if and how infidelity factors in divorce. You can do this online if you want, you could get this at the initial free consultation (even if you never again meet this attorney), you could possibly find a fathers-rights advocacy group in your state with a hotline…

THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT IMMEDIATE FACTOR.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8586857
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fareast ( Member #61555) posted at 9:38 PM on Saturday, September 12th, 2020

Keep your eye on the ball. Bigger has given you sound advice. Find out what evidence is legally required to prove infidelity sufficient to affect alimony. If you evidence is sufficient, since your goal is D, ask your attorney the most effective way to start the D process going. Apparently your attorney doesn’t like the idea of just serving her separation agreement papers. What action does your attorney recommend to start the one year process? Also, ask yourself what is to be gained by confronting her. She knows she has been cheating. You know. You are going to D. You will get no closure. She will simply deny, lie, and blame shift. Why put yourself through it? Have her served as your attorney suggests and go no contact. Do not engage. No contact means no new hurts. Nothing she says will change your mind. Put her in the rear view mirror. Get a start on your new life. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 4:35 PM, September 12th (Saturday)]

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

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id 8586862
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Lalagirl ( Member #14576) posted at 10:09 PM on Saturday, September 12th, 2020

Bigger and fareast are spot-on.

Your main goal is getting your ass out of infidelity.

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 37 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-37 & 34 11yo GS,8yo GD&6yo. GD (DD37) and 9yo GD & 4yo GD(DD34). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8624   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8586870
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thatbpguy ( Member #58540) posted at 10:29 PM on Saturday, September 12th, 2020

After following Bigger's advice, were it me, I'd just leave the evidence on the kitchen table along with your wedding ring and let her find it. No talking or confrontation necessary. Then let friends know on FB about the separation/divorce and go talk to her parents.

ME: BHHer: WWDDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I leftDivorcedRemarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4441   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8586877
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 10:53 PM on Saturday, September 12th, 2020

I echo/upvote fareast post.

Additionally...

Keep in mind that D is a dissolution of a marriage. It’s not revenge, it’s not a threat.

You are “simply” notifying your WW that you do not want to be in this marriage. She will be free to do whatever she wants (she already does anyways), and you are freeto do whatever you want.

Now I strongly suggest you plan what you will do after notifying her. Plan something with a friend, a family member... No matter how much you hate her and despite her, you most likely still have feelings towards her. You are not a robot. You are not a sociopath. It will be hard.

The SI gang is rooting for you, hang in there!

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1431   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8586885
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 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 10:55 PM on Saturday, September 12th, 2020

So many opinions on what to do with the evidence and everything. Tell/show her everything, don't show or tell her anything, confront, don't confront. I am going to find out about the legal requirements for infidelity and think about how to approach the rest. I really want to confront and say some things, whether it matters or not. I am not sure how to let FB friends know. I don't really want to blast it out there. I was thinking about typing a canned message and sending to a select few friends, mainly mutual friends that have more connection to her that I would likely unfriend. Nothing bad about her, but just saying I will be unfriending due to needing to separate myself further from her due to her unfaithfulness to our marriage and our separation/divorce.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2020
id 8586887
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ramius ( Member #44750) posted at 1:03 AM on Sunday, September 13th, 2020

After following Bigger's advice, were it me, I'd just leave the evidence on the kitchen table along with your wedding ring and let her find it. No talking or confrontation necessary. Then let friends know on FB about the separation/divorce and go talk to her parents.

This^^^^^^^^^

To a busted cheater, do you know what’s worse than yelling and screaming? Silence. It drives them insane. Because they want to explain and excuse and apologize and yet it drops off into the void.

See Spaceghost thread: https://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=552588&AP=1&HL=

[This message edited by ramius at 7:03 PM, September 12th (Saturday)]

How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife?

Their actions reveal their intentions. Their words conceal them.

posts: 1604   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014
id 8586916
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redwing6 ( Member #72593) posted at 2:43 AM on Sunday, September 13th, 2020

How do you proceed? I'm a huge fan of Spaceghost...

Spaceghost’s legendary thread in SI.com

https://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=552588&AP=1&HL=

BH 58,
WW #2 D'd after 6month EA who scammed her out of our life savings
WW #1 51 since remaired twice continues to cheat even today
WW #2 Refuses to admit she wrecked our marriage
DD adult 32
DSD adult 33
DSS adult 30

posts: 248   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2020   ·   location: Savannah, GA
id 8586937
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 4:45 AM on Sunday, September 13th, 2020

Just have her served ASAP, no confrontation needed. Then if you are advised to leave the family home do it with just one picture of them kissing, hand holding etc on the table. Let the friend know with a quick fb post with the same picture. Total NC from then onwards. All communication after this through your lawyer.

One day at a time

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8586963
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Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 6:03 AM on Sunday, September 13th, 2020

Records from the hotel may be subpoenaed to demonstrate they both stayed in the same room, do you have footage of them kissing outside the hotel or anywhere else ? if so, your PI probably won't get much more than that so run it by your attorney just to make sure you have enough evidence to prove adultery.

I really want to confront and say some things, whether it matters or not. I am not sure how to let FB friends know. I don't really want to blast it out there. I was thinking about typing a canned message and sending to a select few friends, mainly mutual friends that have more connection to her that I would likely unfriend. Nothing bad about her, but just saying I will be unfriending due to needing to separate myself further from her due to her unfaithfulness to our marriage and our separation/divorce.

You mentioned you want to confront, let me tell you that you're not alone, that for many people confrontation is part of the closure process regardless of D or R and whether it matters in court or not, based on what I've seen here and in other forums most people confront.

How to confront? Tell her you have something important to discuss with her, sit her down and ask her if it's ok for you to record it so that you don't forget anything, if she asks about what tell her it's about your relationship and future, she may agree to it or not but proceed anyway, tell her you know she's been cheating on you with POSOM (name him), she will most likely deny and deny, you may have to present her with some undeniable evidence (cheaters typically only admit to what you can prove), but tell her you have much more, once you present her the evidence you will likely get an admission from her, if she first agreed to the recording her confession would be typically admissible in court to prove adultery, she will likely blameshift and rewrite the M history etc., simply tell her you were on the same M and didn't cheat that she unilaterally made the decision to cheat and engage in adultery, then immediately after the confrontation call her parents, then tell your parents and mutual friends, that way you take control of the narrative, simply tell them you have decided to D after discovering your WW has been cheating on you with POSOM.

posts: 2408   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
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KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 6:11 AM on Sunday, September 13th, 2020

Was out of town and PI got more than enough evidence. Cars w/ license plates at hotel and both coming out near each other and talking in the parking lot. Pictures and video

Well that didn't take long. Good God, it's like she just took the bait without thinking.

I dunno, man, I always think in the back of my head, there's always room for it to be a misunderstanding, or a miscommunication, or interpreting something wrong.. I'm glad you got that PI. You know what you know now.

Obviously I think you're on the right track seeing your legal/financial priorities set first. THEN doing any filing/confrontation. I can see why a confrontation is a must. Intellectually, dispassionately, from the space of emotional distance, for me, it probably would have been handled better to just serve her and be done with it, let the lawyers fight. Yet, I, too, sought that confrontation because I knew I was in the right. It did not quite go as planned for me, but we're different guys.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
----------------------------------
“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8586975
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Countingsheep65 ( Member #56000) posted at 6:41 AM on Sunday, September 13th, 2020

The right time will come when you can say the things you want to say to her, I hope you don’t confront her tomorrow.

Wait until you get legal advise on the new evidence you just got to make sure it benefits you in the long run. You don’t want to have to pay her alimony if you don’t have to because of her cheating.

If the evidence is in your favor, don’t say one word to her, file whatever it is in your state and wait for her to get served. Then have your evidence layed out. Watch her squirm.

Sorry you have to go through this and all the thoughts in your head, to be out of town, knowing your spouse is hooking up with someone.....sucks.

Remember, you are watching out for yourself.

posts: 424   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2016
id 8586978
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Mrhealed ( Member #46868) posted at 10:32 AM on Sunday, September 13th, 2020

You have a great leverage to get what you want.

IMO you should confront her, telling her hay you are filing under infidelity, if she doesnt agree you will make public all evidence you have. Something that may work is telling her that you will call OM to testify if she doesnt agree, and blow his world in a public way. If she agrees, yuu Will give OM chance to come clean on his own with the deadline of 2 or 3 months (when your D is final)

If she start badmouthing you, eveice Will be sed as well.

Sorry, but I think you should priorityze what you need over what you want.

Other thing, you should get Nuk, dont ley her time to react or even start planning how to save face. Give her a bit of what you have,and tell her that you have much more, and she Will be serve by adúltera at her work if she wants to figth you (It may not be possible but I bet she doesnt know that) and that OM Will be subpena as well as his wife to corroborate he wasnt with her on specific dates

"Infidelity is not a victimless offense. If she cheats on me, then I am a victim. If she intentionally cheats on me then I am an intended victim." by DoneGone

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id 8586985
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 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 10:55 AM on Sunday, September 13th, 2020

The evidence is in my favor and according to my attorney, alimony will not be an issue because we make very close to the same amount, sometimes with her making a little more due to her line of work.

She took the bait.

I plan on talking to her soon. I just can't keep waiting and waiting, trying to set her up and get the perfect evidence, and living in hell any longer. I will tell her I know she is cheating on me with POSOM and try to get her to admit it, although highly unlikely. I will have some select evidence ready to show her to prove I know what I am talking about, but not everything. Maybe a screenshot or something. My state is a one-party consent state, so I don't have to inform her I am recording and I plan to have my phone recording without her knowing. She will be caught completely off-guard and hopefully wont't think to ask or realize I might be recording.

Absolute divorce papers cannot be served until after 1 year of separation. My attorney advised against filing property division or separation agreement and serving those (they are not typically served in the normal sense, only handed from one spouse to the other) due to how it will start the process and make things much harder in negotiation in setting that tone from the very beginning.

[This message edited by serenitynow53 at 2:27 PM, September 15th (Tuesday)]

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id 8586986
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Lalagirl ( Member #14576) posted at 11:59 AM on Sunday, September 13th, 2020

I plan on talking to her today

I think that's best and your entire plan for confrontation is a good one.

Sending strength...I know this is not easy or pleasant.

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 37 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-37 & 34 11yo GS,8yo GD&6yo. GD (DD37) and 9yo GD & 4yo GD(DD34). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8624   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8586991
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DictumVeritas ( Member #74087) posted at 12:24 PM on Sunday, September 13th, 2020

Good luck serenitynow53, I hope everything goes according to plan. If only she weren't so entitled, immature and had some moral fiber, none of this would have had to come to pass.

Look after yourself and Godspeed.

Your life is but a flicker to the cosmos and only the brightest flickers are recorded by history for good or bad. Most of us just want to live our lives without being interfered with.

posts: 225   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2020   ·   location: South-Africa
id 8586993
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squid ( Member #57624) posted at 12:52 PM on Sunday, September 13th, 2020

If you are intent on D, then just tell her you know and that you are filing tomorrow and she'll be served shortly thereafter.

IMO, confrontation/exposure is effective in killing the affair AND if you are trying to save the marriage.

But if you feel you have enough evidence to feel satisfied (probably not the right term) enough to file, then forgo the additional drama.

It only takes one of you to file. You don't owe her anything more. She murdered the marriage.

Good luck today. Sending strength.

BH
D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn’t what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2582   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Central Florida
id 8586998
Topic is Sleeping.
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