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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 21

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DevastatedDee posted 12/17/2020 21:20 PM

Arfaj, I am so sorry. I promise and swear to you that this does get better. One day this just becomes a part of your past and you'll have a whole new life to concentrate on. It's not an easy road, but it is one worth walking.

DevastatedDee posted 12/17/2020 21:21 PM

Bingo! What I've learned from my experience is that they do want the best of both worlds; the loving, caring, mother/wife taking care of the family and the home, cooking nice meals, making things warm and cozy, so that after a night on the town with their hot and sexy young girlfriends, they get to come home to the comforts of home. And it is wrong.

Hurtmyheart, yeah. I think it's so beyond gross. I didn't intend to adopt an adult child to have sex with. I was not his mommy. To be put in that position of being mom while he was chasing young tail repulsed me to a level that I can't even explain.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 12/18/2020 14:51 PM

Catching up, but hurt my heart, Click on Forums in the little box to the top left of the main page. Then when you scroll down you can see the title I Can Relate - click on that. Then you scroll down on that page and can see older iterations, at least the ones that have stayed on the page because they are more recent.

When I have time to sit at my computer not my phone Iíll try to find the links to a few older ones. I just have to do a dive into the archives :)

Before I respond to anything else, how is everyone doing today?

Somber, any news? Any support we can offer?

BlackRaven posted 12/18/2020 18:52 PM

My mom's best friend died today. She was 90. I was close with her my entire life, and she was the last link to my mom's childhood and stories of their life growing up. (My mom died 9 years ago)

I was on the phone with my daughter when I found out, and she immediately messaged my SAWH, who is still at a treatment center. We've been separated for 9 months. My WH texted and asked if he could call me. I had a realization that I didn't trust him with my feelings. That I don't feel safe letting him close enough to allow him to comfort me. Because every other time during our 25 year emotionally anorexic marriage, the support was only temporary. Sometimes I might get his support for a few days or weeks, but sometimes for just a few hours - And that was without knowing that he'd be scared by my needing closeness and avoid intimacy by screwing someone else.

So I told him not to call. I know that it was hard on him to have gone through so much rehab and be trying so hard to repair things and have me reject the overture. But I also know that it's not about him. I know I'm strong enough to get through this. But I feel sad on top of feeling sad today.

skeetermooch posted 12/18/2020 21:10 PM

Sorry to hijack but I need some advice.

So, my STBX is starting a new job within a week or something, which means his health insurance is changing. I'm leaning heavily on that insurance for my therapy and meds doctors, as well as new prescriptions - all thanks to him. I've delayed finalizing the divorce until I'm in a place where I can cut back on weekly therapy as my psychologist is like $150/hr without insurance and I've taken a severe hit on my income due to the pandemic. Now, he wants to know if there's "hope" for our marriage. If not, he's not going to put me on his insurance at the new job.

I don't know what to tell him. I could lie and keep the insurance going or I could tell him the truth and not be able to afford my mental health care and God forbid any other care should something happen. At my age decent coverage is very pricey and I can't do it right now.

Part of me wants to sever all ties and force myself to do it on my own. He was never a provider - insurance was all he provided me with. Letting it go might help me fully move on. Staying attached because of insurance is just giving him false hope and putting me in a gross position where I feel I have to be nice, have to take his calls or whatever.

What would you ladies recommend?

Black Raven, I'm so sorry for your loss and so in awe of your wise handling of the situation.

DevastatedDee posted 12/18/2020 21:27 PM

BlackRaven, I am so sorry that you lost her. I think you're taking care of yourself by not accepting his offer to call. That sounds like the right thing for you.

Skeeter, I would not play any games with this man. I used my 401k to leave my XWH and thereby screwed my retirement. You're going to lose health insurance. We don't tend to escape these people unscathed. But if you want to have a rant and bitch fest with me about your insurance and my retirement, say the word, lol. I'm down.

skeetermooch posted 12/18/2020 21:44 PM

Thanks, Dee. You rock.

This asshole spent the majority of his income on infidelity in various forms. All I got worth anything was health coverage, which I never really used until he gave me a nervous breakdown. I've found a couple of doctors I really like that I feel are helping me. First, he's changing jobs, which was likely going to mean my therapist wouldn't be covered. He "generously" offered to pay for half of my out of pocket expenses if I had to self-pay. Mind you, he's getting a 50% hike in income with this new job and he caused my trauma, but he thinks he's a hero because he offered to pay for half! Now, he wants to sidestep covering me on the new insurance altogether for no other reason than spite. No sense of responsibility whatsoever.

I will never understand why in addition to cheating he feels the need to punish me - for what? For not rug sweeping? For not accepting blame for his abuse? What exactly is my crime? He truly sees himself as a victim and I know it should be inconsequential to me but it infuriates me. He can't do the right thing and he can't GTFO of my face trying to fake reconcile. Is he even for real? Does he really think after cheating nonstop, blaming me, raging then cheating some more during a false R, that there's any hope of me taking him back? And to make the deal even less sweet he won't do something that essentially costs him nothing - keeping me on his health insurance until the D is finalized?! The hatred this man must have for me is frightening and mind boggling.

skeetermooch posted 12/18/2020 21:46 PM

And, I'm certain his offer to cover half of my out of pocket expenses for therapy is off the table too at this point.

Countingsheep65 posted 12/19/2020 00:56 AM


Doesnít he have to keep you on his health insurance until the divorce is finalized? I mean you would still be leagaly married until then.

This is exactly why I changed from divorce to legal separation, there are stipulations that say he has to keep me on his insurance.

skeetermooch posted 12/19/2020 08:04 AM

Good point. I filed the D myself so I'll have to do a little research but that does sound familiar.

I was going to do legal separation for that reason as well, but my STBX takes that as justification to relentlessly and invasively hammer me to reconcile while simultaneously being a disappointing, triggering asshole. It makes it very hard to heal when he's always in my ear.

I may be eligible for some kind of tax credit or something because my income has dropped. I started looking into it last night but it was rather confusing. I'll call them during the week to figure out what kind of policy I can get on my own.

MyHeart101 posted 12/19/2020 12:24 PM

*long post

You all may recall that my husband and I had decided to divorce a couple of weeks ago. I think I posted on page 21. Anyhow, about 4 days later he coerced me into reconciliation. I was afraid that would happen due to staying in the same house. We basically called a truce through the holidays and put divorce on hold with the plan to attend MC. It felt great for a short time, even better than before. The euphoria lasted 4-5 days and then the reality of the situation hit me again. I can't get the awful words he had previously used when he cursed me and called me a Bi**h. Even after I explained how hurtful and disrespectful it was he never said he was sorry for doing that and hurting me, "the love of his life". His attempt at an apology was "I regret using those words", nothing about the effect on me, etc. Just as his only attempt at any kind of an apology after the last Dday was "I'm sorry I'm not the husband you want me to be". No remorse.

Last night I had access to his cell phone when it was open without the need of a password bc he had fallen asleep with a video playing. I found that during our brief separation he had told one of his sisters that I had cheated on him for 6 months at the beginning of our relationship and he was done,and told me wanted a divorce. Not true and he's now playing the victim to his family. He told his adult son that our relationship had been one sided and I hadn't show him any love or affection for YEARS. Before our separation I had told him that I needed for him to unfriend a certain female Facebook friend. No affair of any kind but she had betrayed me when she spoke with him about our problems instead of me. She's also my friend and I felt she broke "the girl rule". He eventually unfriended her, or appeared to had done so bc she was no longer on his friends list. But I discovered last night that she had started and invited HIM to a private event. It clearly said something like "your friend _ _ started a group message". He's clearly still deceiving me about something that should be trivial to him. He also posted he would have to decline seeing how the wife was having all of the grandkids over for the entire weekend. I have always found the words "The Wife" disrespectful. He caught me looking through his phone. We haven't spoken about it yet with the grands here but it will happen.

One of my local good friends is going to Florida for two months and she told me I could stay at her house. I wouldnt be able to work remotely nor would I be able to take my dog. My dog is like my baby and that would be SO difficult but she has a cat and also wouldnt allow my indoor dog inside the house. She has a fenced in back yard but it's too cold for that right now.

I'm on the fence about staying at her house but I know it would be SO good for me. Any thoughts or advice?

skeetermooch posted 12/19/2020 12:39 PM

Your husband sounds verbally/emotionally abusive. This often gets worse or only surfaces after they get caught cheating. He's obviously a major liar in many of his relationships and has no issue presenting you as the bad guy.

As far as moving out - do you two own a house together? If so, you may be setting yourself up to put out of the house until the divorce is finalized. Normally, one person gets sole use of the marital home while the divorce is pending and it's definitely not going to be the person who left unless there's a very compelling reason. Do you have minor children? If so, leaving them with him would set you up to not have primary custody if he wants to fight you on it. So, you really need to act strategically.

When I first kicked my husband out my good friend's apartment was empty and I asked if if my STBX could stay there. Fortunately she agreed it was how I got him out of the house. Maybe that would be an option for you?

The other issue is the dog. If you're going to end up going back to your marital home on the regular to walk or care for the dog, you may still have a fair amount of contact with the ex. Still, all in all, less contact with the cheater is usually the best medicine for clarity and healing.

MyHeart101 posted 12/19/2020 14:23 PM

We own the house together and we dont have any kids. idk how true it is but an attorney I consulted with told me that he couldnt keep me from the home because my name is on the mortgage. He said I could live anywhere I want. Besides, people separate all of the time and one person usually has to leave the residence. I asked the lawyer about the issue of SAWH changing the locks. He said that he couldn't do that either. However we know that people do illegal things all of the time.

I would come visit the dog, maybe take both of them to the dog park, but that would be the extent bc we have a wireless fence at the house with a big backyard.

I would try to only come over when he's at work....most nights and every other weekend.

MyHeart101 posted 12/19/2020 14:25 PM

Maybe I should check into the cost of a legal separation which would protect my interests.

skeetermooch posted 12/19/2020 15:12 PM

Where I live separation and D cost the same and it does protect you from new debt etc. When I divorced my ex, he moved out but would drop in unannounced and start fights etc. So, while we were waiting for the D to finalize the judge gave me exclusive rights to the home in the temporary orders. I don't remember what the deal was with locks but I do know my ex was not allowed to come to the house unless I said it was okay. Of course, the house was still half his and had to be divided equitably in the final divorce. I think this makes sense because if one of the spouses is contentious you need to retreat to separate corners.

MyHeart101 posted 12/20/2020 00:54 AM


Had your Ex taken all of his belongings when he left the home? I'm wondering if I will be able to return to get the rest of my belongings if I don't get everything at one time? I'm really not concerned with additional debt because we already have our finances separate and each of us have a credit card in only our name.

My concern is moving out and later discovering I had forgotten to take something that's important to me.

skeetermooch posted 12/20/2020 10:31 AM

My ex did take everything (and then some), but I'm sure you can ask the court for permission should he stonewall you about getting your things later. I'd for sure take anything that's valuable or hard to replace because they can be vindictive.

In the divorce paperwork where I am it asks for an itemized list of personal property.

Somber posted 12/21/2020 06:02 AM

Iím trying to gray rock it right now; however, I am starting to feel that tug again to stop moving forward. Without any discussions, perhaps with my gray rocking, he is being kinder. I look at his phone and see nothing, then I wonder if I saw anything at all. Did I? Was what I saw correct or is it in my head? Am I crazy or going crazy? I mean, how could someone who is actively cheating on me be kind to me, do nice things, etc.? It canít be true.

To repeat the cycle, I would keep telling myself that. Some messed up way there is comfort in telling myself those lies. Change doesnít have to happen when I do. The hopium, euphoria & love bombing feels good. I start to daydream of the life I could give my kids together vs the one alone. I like the thought of avoiding the deep pain of separation. I start to convince myself itís not that bad, maybe it didnít happen. I have the details wrong, Iím overreacting. Pair this self doubt with fear of divorce and I convince myself to stay in this abusive marriage. I allow myself to be lost in old habits for a while. Things seem great at the moment as we return to a routine. I feel guilty for discussing it with anyone. I avoid those that I have shared with because they know a truth now that I no longer want to accept.

The difference this time is that Iím more aware of the truths, they have become clearer. Therapy helped me name his behaviours as abusive, helped me see the true cycle of addictions and taught me to gain self love. So I build the courage to look at the screen shots I have. If they arenít there, then Iím wrong and I am crazy, overreacting, jealous, etc. I hope they arenít there, I really do! But I look and my heart immediately feels 100 times heavier, I stop breathing for a moment to let the pain sink in. My heart then starts to beat fast, my breathing resumes and I feel completely devastated and heartbroken all over again.

DevastatedDee posted 12/21/2020 08:46 AM

Somber, I think you just haven't accepted it yet down to your bones. It's really hard to look at it, to really see who these men are. That clarity was the most painful part of all of it for me. When I really saw him, I saw that nothing I had believed about my relationship with him had been real. I had to accept how much of an object I was instead of a person. I had to accept that he never really loved me because he wasn't capable of it. I had to accept that I had been alone the entire time. That I had been manipulated without even seeing it. I had to go through feeling like a fool. I had to flush my love story down the toilet. I had to invalidate every truth I had known about us. I had been played and he would continue to play me as long as he could because I was of benefit to him. All that fake love he threw at me wasn't because he cared. It was because I was of use to him and he wanted to keep me, like you'd keep a possession. It hurt my pride deeply to really face it. I don't discount a bit how hard this part is. My suggestion is to lean into that pain and get yourself off this roller coaster. The alternative is to relive it over and over and over and over again until one of you is dead.

skeetermooch posted 12/21/2020 09:05 AM

Somber, it's so easy to fall back into that familiar groove. The familiar is a magnet. Breaking out of its force field feels unnatural and requires so much sustained effort. Hard to muster when you're dealing with the day struggles of life, a pandemic, children, work, etc. The dreams are so deeply rooted in us; it's hard to rip them out and plant new ones. It sucks. It all sucks.

Your WH can be nice because he's getting what he wants - the best of both worlds. He's a happy camper. He's only not nice when something gets in the way of his gravy train.

Our brains can only stay in abject pain for so long before they need a break. We can also only accept, integrate and understand this new reality in bits and pieces. I'll wish I knew how some folks seem to just get it and break free so quickly. I've been at war in my head over what's real for a long time now. I don't even know how long - when I first caught him sexting 3 years ago or when I actually found out about all the hookers a little over a year ago? It's a surreal nightmare.

I trust I'll come out of this. I went through something similar with a narcissist ex. I was asking "why" for a long, long time. Eventually, I didn't care or question what it was. I was only happy to be free of it. We will get there.

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