OK, so Sunday was interesting.
* Explained to a (not close) friend about what his wife's friend, C, had been doing. They are having some difficulties
on and off, and I wanted to give him the heads-up that C was not the sort of person to help. Felt good about doing
that, and he thanked me and offered his support.
* Spoke to WS in the morning.
- I was undecided about telling the girls, and kept flip-flopping. On one side, I want to explain what's happening, but on
the other, if we can work things out without forcing the problem onto our kids, then I'd prefer to do that. I told WS
to come up with something to tell the girls and to tell me what she is going to say.
- I told WS that she will need to inform the school so that we can be sure that there are no behavioural changes or
problems with the girls. This will need to be done irrespective of the girls being told.
- I asked WS if she had completed the timeline. She had. It's a fairly dry recounting of the facts, but it's a start,
and it can be refined.
- I told WS that I will be collecting the girls and that I'd bring them to her to see them. I asked her if she needed
me to bring her anything from home.
* Collected the girls, and went ot see WS
- WS and I played with the girls for a bit until we decided we needed to talk.
- A relative took the girls outside to play in the garden while we talked.
- She reiterated that she was sorry, that she was remorseful for what she had done and that she would do anything to
try to work it out. I asked if she was sure, and asked if she would leave her new business. She said she would if
that's what I wanted. She has found a MC for us to see together. I did not suggest this, and this was done on her
own initiative. She had spoken to a friend who has been through something similar (though as a BS, not a WS), and
she (the friend, lets call her 'Z') said that MC worked very well. Z is also WS's business partner. I asked whether
Z knew about the A, and WS said she didn't. I confirmed this by asking Z directly and also checking through messages
sent over the past couple of days. I told WS that I did not want her to leave her business.
- As WS has expressed a deep desire (as far as I can tell) to try to rebuild, I said that I would cancel the divorce
solicitor appointment, that she did not have to tell the kids today, and that she could come back home, though she
will be sleeping downstairs on the couch. She thanked me and reiterated how sorry and remorseful she feels.
* We went home, ate, sorted the girls out for bed and we sat in the living room together and began reading the books that she
had bought. We spoke, but I can't help being terse. There were tears from her, but I can't tell if they are genuine. I
thought they were, but the lies over the past few weeks make it hard to be sure.
* WS suggested going for a run together tomorrow morning.
* Got up early again, and went for a bike ride.
* Got back after an hour, and the girls were up, and WS was awake and she had got them breakfast! This has not happened
for some time, and I know it's going to be a guilt / display of trying thing, but it gave me a rush of hope.
* I still couldn't look at her for too long, and my mood kept changing from anger and resentment to humiliation and a
feeling of being used.
* I took the girls to school
* We went for a run, and it felt tense. Normally we'd chat and I'd encourage her and it'd feel like we'd done something
together by the end. This time, I could barely speak to her. I stayed with her and stopped when she needed a break,
but I felt like she was just there, not like I was participating in something *with* her.
* Her insta profile picture and the last picture she shared was this really pretty picture of her in the park.
It's a cold, windy day, and she's tucked into her coat with her hood up, smiling and looking fantastic. I commented
when she posted that she looked so good (she'd done her makeup especially). The picture was taken maybe an hour after
she'd met the AP for sex, using our kids as the excuse to go to the park, and having had her friend , C, cover for
her. It was taken the Friday before last. It's a picture that sums up the deceit so completely that I can no longer
look at it. It was still her profile picture and on her insta when we went for the run, so I told her to delete it.
She did once we got back home.
* I gave WS a copy (I extracted the text and saved it to PDF, no links) of "Before You Say Reconcile... Recover" from
the healing library. I told her not to go looking for the source of the article as I considered it a safe, personal
space. She took the article and read it.
* We spoke some more, and in all fairness, I was feeling more angry when we did. I didn't want to say much, but I took
her over how I was feeling, and she cried. I didn't shout or act out violently, but I was seething with frustration
and rage. I cooked tea for us both. Just a salad, chicken and potato thing. Not fussy, but tasty and nutritious. We
both struggled to eat.
* We read some more of the books ("NOT just friends" and "How can I ever trust you again"). We spoke a little more, and
I'm trying to be patient, but every time she opens her mouth, all I feel she's telling me are lies.
* Early start again, and WS is up by the time I finish my shower, and has once again given the girls their breakfast.
* She goes shopping as she needs to get some bits for her business and grabs some lunch for us both (sushi) and gets
some other bits too.
* She's in work today, so I get the girls ready and take them to school. I feel calmer this morning, but I still can't
speak to her much.
* She's in work today, and I feel really anxious. I ask her bunch of questions, so I must sound like a paranoid loon.
Things like "When are you back", "are you going anywhere", "who's in with you", "are you having visitors", etc...
* I check her phone for evidence of anything untoward (not that she would have anything at this stage if she was
planning something). I see some messages to Z saying she's grateful to me for letting her come home as well as som
other messages of hope for rebuilding. These could of course just have been said so that I would see them if / when I
check her phone.
* She left for work.
Anyhow, here we are. Tuesday morning and it's nearly time for my second therapy appointment. I'm staying active and to
be fair, not being able to eat, and only eating healthy food when I can, is doing wonders for my weight loss. Think I've
lost nearly 5kg in the last few weeks. Sleeping is hard. I wake up regularly from nightmares, I don't really feel
rested, and I'm soaked with sweat every night.
I realise these are early days, so I'm trying to examine my thinking more and trying to manage the thoughts I have. I'm
attempting to classify them into memories (things that have definitely happened, and my opinions of them) and fantasies
(things I have no idea of what happened because I wasn't there, or they have not happened at all). I've been trying to
tone down the negative self-talk and moderate my emotions as best I can. I think my therapist will be able to help me
here, because I still feel very much overwhelmed.
I'll continue posting here unless I'm supposed to be somewhere else, but frequency will likely be lower as I'm coming
out of the crisis and need to find time to process all this.
One day at a time, I guess.