This is going to be long, but need advice....
Married under 25 years, youngest just turned 18.
Married what I thought was a unicorn wife - virgin, great values, great cook, cleans, beautiful late 40’s but looks early to mid 30’s, everyone loves her and she can look at someone and has a gift that she can know 90% about them and make an assessment - can read body language like no one I have ever seen before.
Got married, I was her first, she was my 2nd. Things were good (not great) the first 2-3 years, then just before our youngest was born, she became very friendly with someone.I worked with - this continued after the birth.
I was trying to build our wealth so worked non-stop. She wanted to go out and I didn’t so she went out with him as “friends”. Then he left my work, started a company and she went to work for him (she didn’t make much money). Then 14 years ago, they had to go on a 2 week trip for a client overseas - I found it strange but trusted her fully. 3-4 years later around 2010, she quit and broke ties with him as he owed her money and screwed her out of it.
Fast forward to 2019 - we had a huge fight June 2019 and it was leading to divorce. She became very bitter and completely nasty towards me into the fall around nov 2019.
Now, before I go further, I will mention that I have not been the best husband - I got together with her and she was my dream wife but I did not do my part. I was lazy (at home), did not treat her great and I was very selfish - I own that.
I will also mention that after our youngest was born, we (I) have been in a sexless marriage for 18 years. Our sex life was never great as she had no experience and she kept rejecting me. I thought she was asexual and after another year of getting rejected after our youngest was born, I gave up and realized that I may have to live with the hand I was dealt so I worked my ass off for our family (top 1% income).
However, I was miserable and ended up eating and drinking and gained 50+ pounds - I was unnatractive and felt like shit. Around 2010 she told me she was unhappy (actually well before that she said it), bur she also gave me the ILYBINILWY speech and that she is not attracted to me. This was devastating to me at the time and I didn’t know what to do.
Fast forward to 2019 fall. I tried many relationship books and all were garbage until I read Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay - it completely opened my eyes.
I started journalling and keeping track of what she did where she said she went and what we said to each other. I did this for 8 months. In January, I started working out and up to now lost over 40lbs and am in better shape now than when we got married.
In March, she gave me access to her computer for something and I decided to check her history - I felt guilty but did it anyway and came across some very odd searches. I then watched her and got access to her phone and saw some really odd notes that pointed to an affair.
Mid March I confronted her and the first words out of her mouth “tell me what you know”. I found this odd but she denied and coame up with a crazy explanation and then kissed me like she hadnt in over 18 years. I chose to believe her but still watched her like a hawk. In a dinner beginning of March she said she had to go “find herself” and go out with friends and possibly take a vacation on her own. All really odd things.
I asked her a question which she flat out lied to me on and then the game was on. I caught her lieing to me almost daily and it was heart breaking as I never once questioned her fidelity before.
End of June Covid starts lifting and he starts going out with firends. She did a little too much of this so I got a VAR and put it in her vehicle.
WIthin a week, I not only confirmed her affair, but he had proposed to her (he is already married but Muslim, and wanted her as #2). To her credit she did not accept and was trying to get him to explain how it worked.
It was devastating hearing how she talked to him and I also got them on audio having sex in the back seat of her vehicle - I lost 10lbs in 2 weeks and was sleeping 2hrs a night after hearing this. My whole life was imploding. I had to listen to the audio 3 times before my brain believed they were actually having sex.
End of July I hear her on audio calling a lawyer as for the 2 weeks before that I knew what was going on I literally treated her like crap - so much so that she tried to make me look bad and that I had an eating disorder on front of our families because I had lost so much weight.
End of July, she walks in on my late at night while listening to her talking to a lawyer so I flat out told her what I knew. She admitted to everything.
The first week of AUgust we spent 3-5 hours a day talking like we never have in our entire history together. We had discussions about things we never discussed before, our thought, feelings, sex, fantasies etc.
2 days after, she was highly sexual in how she spoke to me (she was ovulating) and did this for a week. I was extremely horny towards her and found it odd I would feel this way, but nothing happened other than the most passionate kisses we had in 18 years (we had splet apart for at least the last 5 years and still do).
Then 2nd week of AUgust she said she needed to focus on her as she focused on me for a week. She said she needed to spent time by herself.
I had told her she needed to end it with AP, but apparently he was and still is out of the country. I told her I am going to tell his wife but she pleaded not to as she didn’t want to affect his kids.
Long and short, the story is they had an affair starting 18 or so years ago and she said lasted 3-4 years and “just happened”. I thing it lasted 7-8 years then they broke it off.
He got marreid, had a bunch of kids and kept calling her for years and she finally responded just over a year ago. He aplogized to her then they got together and since last year they have been having unprotected sex (it could have been in the pas as well but she says it was protected which I’m not sure I believe). She also admits to blowjobs but not anal.
2 days after this all came out beginning of AUgust, she wanted to reconcile and strangely I did too. We have been spening a lot of time together, but due to what I heard on the audio, I have triggers and have blown up at her 2-3 times big time.
This past weekend, I told her I need access to her phone as she told me he contacted her and she told him they need to talk in person (to end it), but when I asked her to see the message threadm she said she deleted it. She also saif I need to trust her.
I told her I can’t just trust you blindly as this is what got me here after so many years. She said we have to do this her way which I disagreed.
I have been very cold to her the last few days as a result and she has noticed. She hopes we can get past this and live happily the rest of our lives but she doesn’t know how badly this affected me. She said she is very relieved this came out (but she never told me - I had to play detective to find out).
I had her get tested for STD’s and looks like everything came back ok but we just had a little bit of a cancer scare which we are dealing with with her.
No reason for me to get tested as we haven’t had sex in 18 years.
I told her if she was unhappy when she started the affair, she should have just divorced me instead of being a coward. She said she didn’t want to hurt me but I said when you were about to screw him, did you think about hurting me? She said she made the biggest mistake of her life - I said NO, you made HUNDREDS of choices to be deceptive, you didn’t make ONE mistake.
I think if she had a One night stand, I could probably forgive, but this woman made YEARS of lies early on, and then the past year again with the same person. Who know if she had other affairs in between, although she denied it to me.
From the outside, everyone thinks we have the percfect marriage. Top 1% income, great kids, multi-million dollar house in one of the best areas in the country, great vacations, high end vehicles etc.
In the end, I am empty insiide because what I really wanted - my wife - I could never get, no matter what or how much I spent. This led me to overeating and alcohol and the slippery slope.
As a result og her non-transparency this weekend, I am heavily leaning towards divorce and have set up a meeting with a lawyer in a week. I still have many decaded to live and I know I am the prize here and she is starting to age.
I am now in the. Best shape of my life and getting better, and altthough I still truly love her, I am disgusted by her and don;t think I can ever trust her again.
The innocence of our marriage has been destroyed and it’s so sad.
This whole thing has hardened me.
In August she has been more affectionate towards me than at any other time in our marriage, but part of me thinks she has an ulterior motive. She tells me she was going to break it off with him, but I;m not so sure.
I don’t have access to her phone records as she keeps them in her name and doesn’t send me the bills anymore just a screenshot of the amount to pay. However, when I get access to them, I will know for sure if she is lying and if so, this is over/
I should add that she tried to blame everything on me and that if I had been a better husband, this never would have happened. Although I told her I perhaps set up the environment for her to cheat based on who I was, her cheating was a character defect in HER and nobody forced to her to do it. It was selfish act.
I really screwed up here and it’s killing me daily. If I had been a better husband, I am sure most of this would have never happened. I do take a lot of the responsibility.
One last thing - she gave me a “hall pass” to go out and screw someone else if I need to. I know that this would even things out in her mind so I told her “trust me, if I decide to go screw someone else, you will be the first to know. I wont do it behind your back”,
[This message edited by Awoken at 9:52 PM, September 1st (Tuesday)]