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Just Found Out :
Just found out mid July

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 Awoken (original poster new member #75302) posted at 3:28 AM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

This is going to be long, but need advice....

Married under 25 years, youngest just turned 18.

Married what I thought was a unicorn wife - virgin, great values, great cook, cleans, beautiful late 40’s but looks early to mid 30’s, everyone loves her and she can look at someone and has a gift that she can know 90% about them and make an assessment - can read body language like no one I have ever seen before.

Got married, I was her first, she was my 2nd. Things were good (not great) the first 2-3 years, then just before our youngest was born, she became very friendly with someone.I worked with - this continued after the birth.

I was trying to build our wealth so worked non-stop. She wanted to go out and I didn’t so she went out with him as “friends”. Then he left my work, started a company and she went to work for him (she didn’t make much money). Then 14 years ago, they had to go on a 2 week trip for a client overseas - I found it strange but trusted her fully. 3-4 years later around 2010, she quit and broke ties with him as he owed her money and screwed her out of it.

Fast forward to 2019 - we had a huge fight June 2019 and it was leading to divorce. She became very bitter and completely nasty towards me into the fall around nov 2019.

Now, before I go further, I will mention that I have not been the best husband - I got together with her and she was my dream wife but I did not do my part. I was lazy (at home), did not treat her great and I was very selfish - I own that.

I will also mention that after our youngest was born, we (I) have been in a sexless marriage for 18 years. Our sex life was never great as she had no experience and she kept rejecting me. I thought she was asexual and after another year of getting rejected after our youngest was born, I gave up and realized that I may have to live with the hand I was dealt so I worked my ass off for our family (top 1% income).

However, I was miserable and ended up eating and drinking and gained 50+ pounds - I was unnatractive and felt like shit. Around 2010 she told me she was unhappy (actually well before that she said it), bur she also gave me the ILYBINILWY speech and that she is not attracted to me. This was devastating to me at the time and I didn’t know what to do.

Fast forward to 2019 fall. I tried many relationship books and all were garbage until I read Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay - it completely opened my eyes.

I started journalling and keeping track of what she did where she said she went and what we said to each other. I did this for 8 months. In January, I started working out and up to now lost over 40lbs and am in better shape now than when we got married.

In March, she gave me access to her computer for something and I decided to check her history - I felt guilty but did it anyway and came across some very odd searches. I then watched her and got access to her phone and saw some really odd notes that pointed to an affair.

Mid March I confronted her and the first words out of her mouth “tell me what you know”. I found this odd but she denied and coame up with a crazy explanation and then kissed me like she hadnt in over 18 years. I chose to believe her but still watched her like a hawk. In a dinner beginning of March she said she had to go “find herself” and go out with friends and possibly take a vacation on her own. All really odd things.

I asked her a question which she flat out lied to me on and then the game was on. I caught her lieing to me almost daily and it was heart breaking as I never once questioned her fidelity before.

End of June Covid starts lifting and he starts going out with firends. She did a little too much of this so I got a VAR and put it in her vehicle.

WIthin a week, I not only confirmed her affair, but he had proposed to her (he is already married but Muslim, and wanted her as #2). To her credit she did not accept and was trying to get him to explain how it worked.

It was devastating hearing how she talked to him and I also got them on audio having sex in the back seat of her vehicle - I lost 10lbs in 2 weeks and was sleeping 2hrs a night after hearing this. My whole life was imploding. I had to listen to the audio 3 times before my brain believed they were actually having sex.

End of July I hear her on audio calling a lawyer as for the 2 weeks before that I knew what was going on I literally treated her like crap - so much so that she tried to make me look bad and that I had an eating disorder on front of our families because I had lost so much weight.

End of July, she walks in on my late at night while listening to her talking to a lawyer so I flat out told her what I knew. She admitted to everything.

The first week of AUgust we spent 3-5 hours a day talking like we never have in our entire history together. We had discussions about things we never discussed before, our thought, feelings, sex, fantasies etc.

2 days after, she was highly sexual in how she spoke to me (she was ovulating) and did this for a week. I was extremely horny towards her and found it odd I would feel this way, but nothing happened other than the most passionate kisses we had in 18 years (we had splet apart for at least the last 5 years and still do).

Then 2nd week of AUgust she said she needed to focus on her as she focused on me for a week. She said she needed to spent time by herself.

I had told her she needed to end it with AP, but apparently he was and still is out of the country. I told her I am going to tell his wife but she pleaded not to as she didn’t want to affect his kids.

Long and short, the story is they had an affair starting 18 or so years ago and she said lasted 3-4 years and “just happened”. I thing it lasted 7-8 years then they broke it off.

He got marreid, had a bunch of kids and kept calling her for years and she finally responded just over a year ago. He aplogized to her then they got together and since last year they have been having unprotected sex (it could have been in the pas as well but she says it was protected which I’m not sure I believe). She also admits to blowjobs but not anal.

2 days after this all came out beginning of AUgust, she wanted to reconcile and strangely I did too. We have been spening a lot of time together, but due to what I heard on the audio, I have triggers and have blown up at her 2-3 times big time.

This past weekend, I told her I need access to her phone as she told me he contacted her and she told him they need to talk in person (to end it), but when I asked her to see the message threadm she said she deleted it. She also saif I need to trust her.

I told her I can’t just trust you blindly as this is what got me here after so many years. She said we have to do this her way which I disagreed.

I have been very cold to her the last few days as a result and she has noticed. She hopes we can get past this and live happily the rest of our lives but she doesn’t know how badly this affected me. She said she is very relieved this came out (but she never told me - I had to play detective to find out).

I had her get tested for STD’s and looks like everything came back ok but we just had a little bit of a cancer scare which we are dealing with with her.

No reason for me to get tested as we haven’t had sex in 18 years.

I told her if she was unhappy when she started the affair, she should have just divorced me instead of being a coward. She said she didn’t want to hurt me but I said when you were about to screw him, did you think about hurting me? She said she made the biggest mistake of her life - I said NO, you made HUNDREDS of choices to be deceptive, you didn’t make ONE mistake.

I think if she had a One night stand, I could probably forgive, but this woman made YEARS of lies early on, and then the past year again with the same person. Who know if she had other affairs in between, although she denied it to me.

From the outside, everyone thinks we have the percfect marriage. Top 1% income, great kids, multi-million dollar house in one of the best areas in the country, great vacations, high end vehicles etc.

In the end, I am empty insiide because what I really wanted - my wife - I could never get, no matter what or how much I spent. This led me to overeating and alcohol and the slippery slope.

As a result og her non-transparency this weekend, I am heavily leaning towards divorce and have set up a meeting with a lawyer in a week. I still have many decaded to live and I know I am the prize here and she is starting to age.

I am now in the. Best shape of my life and getting better, and altthough I still truly love her, I am disgusted by her and don;t think I can ever trust her again.

The innocence of our marriage has been destroyed and it’s so sad.

This whole thing has hardened me.

In August she has been more affectionate towards me than at any other time in our marriage, but part of me thinks she has an ulterior motive. She tells me she was going to break it off with him, but I;m not so sure.

I don’t have access to her phone records as she keeps them in her name and doesn’t send me the bills anymore just a screenshot of the amount to pay. However, when I get access to them, I will know for sure if she is lying and if so, this is over/

I should add that she tried to blame everything on me and that if I had been a better husband, this never would have happened. Although I told her I perhaps set up the environment for her to cheat based on who I was, her cheating was a character defect in HER and nobody forced to her to do it. It was selfish act.

I really screwed up here and it’s killing me daily. If I had been a better husband, I am sure most of this would have never happened. I do take a lot of the responsibility.

One last thing - she gave me a “hall pass” to go out and screw someone else if I need to. I know that this would even things out in her mind so I told her “trust me, if I decide to go screw someone else, you will be the first to know. I wont do it behind your back”,

[This message edited by Awoken at 9:52 PM, September 1st (Tuesday)]

posts: 35   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2020
id 8581962

Wanttobebetter ( member #72484) posted at 3:56 AM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

You are in the same marriage as your WW. You didn't cheat, did you?

I am not sure why you see no self-worth in yourself and want to stay in this marriage.


I told her I am going to tell his wife but she pleaded not to as she didn’t want to affect his kids.

tells you everything you know. She prioritize the OM and his family over yours. Hope you see this.

[This message edited by Wanttobebetter at 9:57 PM, September 1st (Tuesday)]

posts: 187   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2020
id 8581972

Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 4:11 AM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

Hello Awoken. Welcome to SI, the greatest club no one ever wanted to join.

Take some time to read the two threads pinned to the top of the Just Found Out Forum (Tactical Primer and Newbies...).

When you're ready, check out The Healing Library (see yellow shaded area at the top left of the page). There's plenty of great information for new members.

I really screwed up here and it’s killing me daily. If I had been a better husband, I am sure most of this would have never happened. I do take a lot of the responsibility.

Get this through your head, brother, and let it really sink in. Nothing you ever did or didn't do, nothing you ever said or didn't say, would have ever made any difference at all.

I've been a member of SI for over five years. I've followed the stories of dozens of betrayed husbands. The only thing we all have in common is that our wives cheated. Good husbands and bad ones, rich husbands and poor ones, and everyone in between. I can tell you with absolute confidence that every single one of these men will tell you the same thing.

Your WW's fidelity had absolutely nothing at all to do with you and everything to do with her own issues, selfishness and entitlement.

Don't blame yourself, man. There is no justification for infidelity.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 10:11 PM, September 1st (Tuesday)]

Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown

posts: 6534   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8581977

traicionada ( member #10310) posted at 4:11 AM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

If I had been a better husband, I am sure most of this would have never happened. I do take a lot of the responsibility.

Please don’t assume responsibility for her choices. If she wasn’t happy in the marriage, she could have ended it. Instead, she chose being unfaithful

Real love is a CHOICE, NOT a feeling...

posts: 4019   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2006   ·   location: Dallas, Texas
id 8581978

 Awoken (original poster new member #75302) posted at 4:24 AM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

Thanks for your comments and I knownshe could have ended it first.

In fact, last fall her own mother told me that she asked my wife if she had someone else based on how she was behaving, and she said no, she would leave first before that happened.

When i confronted her in March she said she believed in the sanctity of marriage and wouldn’t cheat - all lies.

I realize I am going to divorce her as I have no interest in playing detective.

Last week we were walking and she saw an old lady eating dinner at a restaurant alone. She broke down crying saying she thinks that will be her all alone and that she will deserve it.

posts: 35   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2020
id 8581981

masti ( member #54237) posted at 5:09 AM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

First of all none of this is your fault.

Every morning when you wake up say “none of this is my fault”.

You may have looked like George Clooney she would have still done it. It is all on her. She has rejected you for nearly two decades because her boyfriend does not have the guts to marry her. You have the money get the PI. Find the wife and expose. She also deserves to lead a life of respect.

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jul. 19th, 2016
id 8581995

Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 5:21 AM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

I'm sorry that you're here but I don't think you have fully "awoken" yet, your WW is STILL in an ACTIVE A, she has betrayed you for many years, you haven't had sex with her in 18 years (btw some STDs can be transmitted via saliva so get tested just in case), she's still deceptive, not transparent, not remorseful, still blaming you for her A, in essence, she's not R material by a very long shot.

I suggest you file for D and don't look back, your M is a farce, also, DNA your kid just in case. Based on what you posted it sounds like even if you split, you will still be in good shape financially speaking, you claim to be in the best shape in many decades, you've suffered for way too long in an awful M, life's too short, get rid of this cheater and liar.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 11:24 PM, September 1st (Tuesday)]

posts: 2611   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8581999

Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 5:22 AM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

And don't forget to EXPOSE her with OBS and with ALL family and close friends without warning.

posts: 2611   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8582000

 Awoken (original poster new member #75302) posted at 5:36 AM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

Buster123, based on her not being transparent, I think she is definitely still involved and likely planning something.

I love her parents and if they knew what she was up to, they not only would be devastated, but her dad would likely have a heart attack (has already had bypass surgery), so I would want to avoid this as much as possible.

She also asked me to delete all recordings which I told her I did, but I have backups. There is NO way I was getting rid of any evidence.

I am also trying to track down the OM wife but had no luck so far, even through one of my lawyers. I don’t know her name, only her profession and general geographic area she lives in and my wife will not tell me her name as she said enough people suffered.

posts: 35   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2020
id 8582003

farsidejunky ( member #49392) posted at 6:01 AM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

For years she has been cheating on you...using you...lied to you...and sexless for years.

Honestly, brother...ask yourself this:

Why do you love yourself so little that you want to try to save a marriage with someone of such poor character?

Don't you feel you deserve better?

How do you feel about yourself when you long for reconciliation with her?

“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”

-Maya Angelou

posts: 615   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2015   ·   location: Tennessee
id 8582007

 Awoken (original poster new member #75302) posted at 6:03 AM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

Based on her behaviour, I thinkreconciliation is off the table for me. Just need to get my ducks in a row with the lawyer.

posts: 35   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2020
id 8582008

Limboaz ( member #59200) posted at 8:08 AM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

The sex dried up at the same time the affair started. Very typical. Then she's been a cake eater for the last 18 years, using you for financial stability while she's been a mistress to a guy that thinks polygamy is OK and wants a second wife.

You probably don't need me to tell you that the marriage has been a sham.

posts: 118   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2017   ·   location: Southwest
id 8582011

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 8:59 AM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

I will say this. Oftentimes it’s not the affair that kills a marriage but the behavior of the cheater after the affair is discovered that does.

She’s behaving like a typical cheater.

And you need to inform this cheater’s wife of the affair.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12306   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8582014

DictumVeritas ( member #74087) posted at 9:02 AM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

No reason for me to get tested as we haven’t had sex in 18 years

I'm sorry to say, but (and this is only a probability, nothing more, based on research I read from various sources) She already sees the OM as her husband and had been during the entirety of the affair. You became a father figure and a provider.

The love she has towards you is akin to that one would have to a parental figure and not a husband. She loves the OM in that way.

She even cut off sex, that affirms or makes my hunch more probable.

The question is, do you want to keep caring for a "daughter" who only respects what you can provide in terms of material support and being an emotional sponge or did you expect a wife and still want one?

I don't think she'll ever be your wife again, but she'll do and say anything not to loose her proxy father.


There need not be an age difference for the dynamic described above to apply.

[This message edited by DictumVeritas at 6:06 AM, September 2nd (Wednesday)]

Your life is but a flicker to the cosmos and only the brightest flickers are recorded by history for good or bad. Most of us just want to live our lives without being interfered with.

posts: 261   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2020   ·   location: South-Africa
id 8582015

paboy ( member #59482) posted at 11:15 AM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

Unfortunately you have been her plan B. Her refusing to have sex with you indicates that her affair partner was her primary love. Been intimate with you was 'cheating' on him.

This may sound harsh to you, but I am writing this to help you.

In the Healing Library you will find information about the 180. Read all about this, and start implementing.

In essence, it is avoiding interacting with her, except for very important issues. This allows you to have emotional distance, so that you can see more clearly and make more appropriate decisions.

It is great that you are endeavouring to locate the other innocent spouse. Perhaps hire a PI to do this.

You do not have much to work with here. Having her in your back mirror, appears your only option.

The only reason to not inform everyone, if Divorce is your course of action, is as a bargaining chip in divorce negotiations. Otherwise informing brings it out of the dark, where these things thrive. And also it creates consequences.

If you use it for negotiation power, once everything is final, I would still shed light on it.

posts: 605   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2017   ·   location: australia
id 8582027

Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 11:50 AM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020


There is a lot of self-blame and accusation in your post.

I think we BS often fall into the same mentality as rape-victims do: We blame ourselves for being the victims in the assault on our lives.

It’s common for rape-victims to have immense self-guilt and doubt: If I hadn’t left the drink unattended, if I hadn’t walked through the park, if I hadn’t worn that provocative dress, if I hadn’t given him the wrong idea by accepting the date… When in fact none of the above ever in any way justifies the perpetrators actions.

It’s the same with infidelity. All your if I had or if I hadn’t do not justify your WW decision to have an affair. By your own admittance the first years (before you added weight) weren’t good. The marriage was sexless from start of infidelity, not from start of you being crappy overweight unatentive husband.

There is blame. You can probably shoulder your share of blame for allowing a sexless marriage for this long. For allowing an emotionally dead marriage. For allowing this level of blind trust that enabled her and OM to go for a 2 week holiday. You probably can accept blame for not recognizing the wailing of smoke-detectors and the blazing flames as danger.

But you definitely are not to blame for HER DECISSIONS to have and maintain an affair.

And the fact she contacted him recently to break it off… Well… you don’t break off a relationship that has been over for some time.

If you accept ANY blame for her decision to cheat… Well… what happens next July if you forget to take out the trash? Would that action justify her giving the UPS delivery guy a BJ? After all – we have determined that YOUR actions could make her have to decide to cheat.

Nah friend.

A KEY to recovery is for you to tell her directly: Your decision to cheat is totally on YOU.

I am going to be extremely frank here:

I am of the view that ANY marriage can survive from ANY situation if both partners commit to reconciliation. This is sometimes misunderstood as me stating everyone should reconcile. Far from it. I think that in your situation you need to really grasp what she has done to you and for how long. Basically anything up to 18 years of a 25 year marriage have been in infidelity with the same OM. That’s a LOT to recover from… A LOT.

This will require immense work. IMMENSE.

A lot of that will be focused on YOU and your personal recovery. That work is inevitable irrespective of how this marriage goes.

Then there is the work on establishing how she believed what she was doing was OK. How screwing up the life of her husband was acceptable. Although I don’t condone affairs I can have some understanding of how a person might go on the wrong path, but frankly… she’s stuck to that path with intent…

Then there is the work of recreating a healthy marriage…

We are talking lots of professional aid here. Lot’s of cost. Lot’s of work.

Are you both willing to do that work?

In your shoes – totally irrespective of if you eventually divorce or reconcile – I would look long and hard at what divorce would look like. Since she has been working and the youngest kid 18 I’m guessing the hit wouldn’t be intensely bad. I’m thinking the only way that might make your WW realize what she’s going to miss is if she realizes that she has options, but so do you.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10815   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8582028

Forgivingwife ( new member #75145) posted at 12:02 PM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

So sorry you’re going through all this pain, I’m going through a tremendous amount of pain too. I’m not sure how much advice I can give, but one thing is for sure, I’d tell the man’s wife. I wouldn’t hesitate. The best of luck to you.

Moved into the spare bedroom after 20 years of marriage where I will stay for a very long time.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Aug. 10th, 2020
id 8582031

Booyah ( member #60124) posted at 12:28 PM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

Eighteen years without sex and she's been in another relationship with another man during this entire time?

She's definitely not a "unicorn".

posts: 1254   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2017
id 8582038

Tigersrule77 ( member #47339) posted at 12:33 PM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

we (I) have been in a sexless marriage for 18 years.

So she was the perfect wife and you were just a terrible husband her forced her to cheat. She had no other options.

2 days after, she was highly sexual in how she spoke to me

She is trying to dazzle you to distract you from her multiple long term A's. Seems like it's not working.

I told her I can’t just trust you blindly as this is what got me here after so many years. She said we have to do this her way which I disagreed.

You were absolutely right. In your shoes, I'd have said "B****, you tried it your way, that led to you banging other men!"

altthough I still truly love her,

You love the imaginary person you THOUGHT you were married to. She isn't real. The REAL person is a lying cheater who would kick you to the curb in a heartbeat.

Make no mistake, she is doing everything she can to protect herself. You know she's already spoken to a lawyer. Time to protect yourself.

You should start the 180. Don't engage with her anymore. No reason to talk. Anything she says is likely to be a lie anyway. As you said, you have decades ahead of you. Cut her out of your life and go find someone who will love you.

posts: 1593   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8582040

Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 1:12 PM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

Awoken what a poo sandwich 🥪

Ok, detach ASAP. Don’t beg, she will just see you as weak.

Hire a PI, let him earn his money his #1 priority is to find AP wife. You have enough evidence for a solicitor. Seek out advice for your location now. You need to know her responsibilities as well as your rights.

Just so I understand she is OK with you being fu&$ed over but not her AP? Nah it doesn’t work that way. AP has a flashing light over him. When ready expose to all ASAP. You don’t need her permission to do this. Cancel all joint credit cards, cheque accounts etc. She has been doing as she pleased for 18 years. You weren’t even a plan B. But just a ATM. That is now closed. Start the 180 hard now. Don’t let her shame you. Be just a grey rock.

Sorry to ask but has she ever stated why she will have a on/off again long term A yet not even give you sex in 18 years? That is not even cold. That is just cruelty on a grand scale.

IC for you, eat healthy, drink water, don’t engage with her at any level. Even if you eat out most nights. Tell the children that you and mum are going through crap 💩 but not the full infidelity information. They are most likely your children and don’t need the full in and outs of her conscious decisions to cheat all these years. Tell her family. It is not your responsibility to shield her image for every one but to let all know how poor you have been treated for 18 years. And her parents will be able to handle the news. They get the full information.

Have a bonfire 🔥 burn her car, her bed, all gifts and sexy underwear that she wore for her other husband. Approval for nuclear ☢️ weapons have been approved. Nothing illegal and let your lawyer know first.

Start now.

One day at a time.


posts: 1230   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8582051
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