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Just got dumped

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GotTheShaft posted 9/25/2020 09:21 AM

Believe me I have thought about the fact that there is/was something happenings between my ex and my friend. But I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and not paint everything with my infidelity brush. He just started dating someone 3 months ago and seems to be very into this new girl. I know that means very little, but I really hope they weren't cheating on me.

But, I certainly don't see what he has to gain by remaining friends with her and abandoning me. Unless he's trying to get together with her.

WhoTheBleep posted 9/25/2020 12:01 PM

I agree GTS. A 30-year friendship is a huge thing to risk for some gal. My mind is hesitant to go there for that same reason. But then again, look at the site we are on. Tens of thousands of members... whose most sacred relationships exploded over "some gal" (or guy).

My last five years have been hugely eye-opening. I now know that anything is possible. I also know that we can all handle it, whatever comes.

GotTheShaft posted 9/25/2020 12:30 PM

Thanks WhoTheBleep. Today is just a really hard day.

blahblahblahe posted 9/25/2020 13:34 PM

But, I certainly don't see what he has to gain by remaining friends with her and abandoning me. Unless he's trying to get together with her.

He wants something, could be the xgf, could be something else, but all the evidence you have given indicates he does NOT have your best interests at heart WHICH IS THE TRUE MEASURE OF A FRIEND.

Absolution posted 9/25/2020 13:47 PM

GTS this may be a little long but I want to touch on the statement you made that “we make plans and God laughs”.

Many years ago, I was in my second year of law school and I was engaged to a woman I thought was wonderful. We had shopped for rings and I was head over heels in love. And then, she suddenly dropped the bomb on me. “We aren’t right for each other, we can’t be married, and other variations of ILYBNILWY”. To say I was shocked was an understatement. This was in an era before cell phones. I tried calling her land line, writing her letters and going to her apartment. Nothing. No response and no real reason why she felt that way. She moved back to her hometown in another state a few weeks later. I thought someone had dropped me in the middle of the Sahara desert without water and no directions to get out of there. Plus, I felt like I was tugging my heart in sack behind me. It’s a wonder I ever got through that year of law school.

Fortunately (and like you) I had great friends who patted me on the back or kicked me in the ass when needed. I slowly came out of that funk.

Flash forward two years later and I’m now a newly minted lawyer working as an associate in first law firm. I meet the most beautiful person in the world. Not only was she gorgeous she was sweet, tender and logical to boot. We have been married many decades now. And so, GTS, God was not laughing at my plan, God had a better plan in mind.

I learned through the grapevine several years later that my former fiancé’ married her ex-boyfriend from high school. I never saw her again except in one instance. My wife and I were sitting in an airport on our way to London. I look up the concourse and I see this chubby, wrinkly ugly woman walking along and berating the man she was with for going too slow. Yep, that was her. All I could do was look at my beautiful wife and silently say “Thank you God!”

I know this hurts GTS but you will get over it.

Stay the course my man.

GotTheShaft posted 9/25/2020 13:58 PM

Thanks Absolution! It's very hard right now, but I know that better days are coming! I appreciate it.

GotTheShaft posted 9/28/2020 13:40 PM

I hung out with the new girl this past Friday and Saturday, and on Saturday afternoon I had this overwhelming wave of anxiety to the point where I ha to come home that evening instead of continuing to hang out with her. I'm clearly missing my ex so much. It's too soon for me to move on, but I can't get over my ex. I hate this.

Westway posted 9/28/2020 15:41 PM

You need to back way off. You need to mourn your lost relationship before you start dating again. Good grief dude, you set yourself up for anxiety. You allow too many people to have sway over your emotions. Pull back. Be a hermit for a while. Take care of yourself and just rest your heart.

Believe it or not, you can survive without pussy for a while. It can be done.

GotTheShaft posted 9/28/2020 17:11 PM

Thanks West way. I didn’t seek out the new girl. She reached out to me. I wasn’t looking. And I thought she would be a good distraction to get my mind off my ex. To have someone interested in me and some flirtatious banter. But it moved really fast.

AnnieOakley posted 9/28/2020 19:37 PM

It hasn’t even been a month and practically the whole time you have been focused on communicating with her and getting back together. It was a 2.5 yr relationship and you thought you were going to marry her....

I’m sure this new girl would not be flattered that you figured she would be a “distraction”.

Regardless of the fact that some men and women subscribe to “the quickest way to get over one person is to get under another”, you’re not 20 years old. Focus on yourself for a few months and actually get to the point where you can go on a date without having an anxiety attack. Needless to say that is your head and body telling you it’s too early!!

Take care of you...you deserve it.

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 7:38 PM, September 28th (Monday)]

GotTheShaft posted 9/28/2020 20:07 PM

Thanks for the 2x4s Annie Oakley. I deserve it. You’re absolutely right. I didn’t expect to go out on a date right away. The “distraction” I was hoping for was just flirtatious texts. But it quickly escalated into more than that. Regardless I think I need to tell her I’m not ready. Though I don’t think I’ll get the opportunity to reconcile with my ex-girlfriend. And not because of this. I think she made up her mind right away. But I do need to focus on myself right now and not try to fit another woman into that equation. I was just feeling so lonely and hurt.

Westway posted 9/29/2020 12:23 PM

Believe me I have thought about the fact that there is/was something happenings between my ex and my friend. But I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and not paint everything with my infidelity brush. He just started dating someone 3 months ago and seems to be very into this new girl. I know that means very little, but I really hope they weren't cheating on me.

But, I certainly don't see what he has to gain by remaining friends with her and abandoning me. Unless he's trying to get together with her.

You know its sad: we live in a world where honor and friendship seem to have no value anymore. There was a time when guys stuck hard to the bro code, which includes no dating one of your friends' exes. Not anymore, now it is "take what you want, fuck everyone else..."

If you find out he cheated with your ex on you, make sure all your other guy friends know about it.

[This message edited by Westway at 12:24 PM, September 29th (Tuesday)]

AnnieOakley posted 9/29/2020 12:44 PM

We all understand the loneliness and being hurt.

Sit with for a time. Don’t wallow by any means, but again, how many times do we read on here “broken attracts broken “?

I was 100% single for over two years after my one post D relationship (HS boyfriend-first love) and have only started OLD earlier this year. Hello pandemic! 😂😳

Needless to say I knew I was completely healthy and healed when it took me two days to realize that after a first kiss I did not remotely think of the xh or the xbf. I certainly had no anxiety about what I was doing.

You’ll get there. Slow down.

GotTheShaft posted 9/29/2020 15:46 PM

Thanks for your replies.

Spoke with my therapist today, and she told me it would probably be a good idea to put dating any new women on hold for the rest of the year. Sounds like what AnnieOakley and WestWay are saying too. The dating foray with the new girl proved to me that my longing for my ex were not about being lonely (seems like there are lots of solutions for that if I choose) but rather that I did truly love her and would still want to marry her (assuming she isn't cheating with my friend).

Not sure what to think about my friend. He's acting strange for sure. His responses to my actions (searching for my ex at the beach and calling her brother-in-law to tell him happy birthday) seem to be inappropriate. While he might not agree with my actions, he's responding as if I have personally offended him, and that doesn't add up. But the fact that he seems very happy with the new girl he started dating 3 months ago seems to be in conflict with him cheating with my girlfriend.

I don't know why this is hurting me so much. Probably because there are similarities to my exWW's cheating and ending my marriage - it was abrupt, caught me off guard, and I was powerless and unable to do anything to fix it. Maybe because I don't have answers - though I don't know what answers would make sense anyways? It might also be because I don't have my best friend to lean on? Or maybe just because I really believed I would marry this woman and spend the rest of my life with her?

I guess I have to allow myself to feel the hurt and all of the emotions that come with this breakup? Rushing into dating a new girl won't remove the pain - it will just delay those feelings. I guess it's time to work on myself and read and process my feelings. I started re-reading Broken Open - it was a book that resonated when I went through my divorce. I'm sure I'll read many more relationship healing books over the next few months. I'll continue to work with my therapist.

It just sucks because after my divorce, I really thought this woman was the salvation I sought.

Fablegirl posted 9/30/2020 12:24 PM

I am really sorry this happened to you. I am going through the same thing on the same day and wonder if there's a planetary alignment or some other phenomena forcing an unwanted transition.
One thing that helped with my struggle is a friend talked me through a meditation about thinking and breathing through my heart and trying to remember the last time I felt gratitude or appreciation for something or an activity -- a thought that puts you in the present and not in the future of anxiety or the rage of the past, but in your present aliveness. It helped me, but it takes effort.

GotTheShaft posted 9/30/2020 13:32 PM

Fablegirl, I'm sorry this happened to you too. I would be interested in the guided meditation if you can share it? Maybe via Private Message?

So, I broke up with the new girl today. I told her that I wasn't over my emotions of my breakup, and that it was just too soon. She confided that she was in a very similar place. She had dated a guy for a little over a year and then broke up with him in June. She blocked him on every form of contact, but said he still contacted her, and that she still thinks about him. Somehow this gave me hope that my ex-girlfriend still has feelings for me, and she's behaving the way she is because that's the best she can do right now. Communicating with me at all would likely lead to her caving and getting back together, whereas ignoring me and de-friending me keeps her from doing that.

I'm so bummed out right now. Dating the new girl for the past couple weeks showed me that I'm not just "lonely", because the new girl could have filled that need. Rather it showed me that I truly miss and love my ex-girlfriend. I now know without a doubt that she is who I want to spend my life with. Just not sure I'll get the opportunity to share that with her.

At this point, all I can do is give her space.

Still no word from my "best friend". Not exactly sure why he's behaving the way he is - siding with her and seemingly against me. I'm really hoping that there wasn't an affair there, but obviously that's the first place we all go, based on our histories of infidelity. All I can do with him is give him space too. Eventually, I think he will come around. Hopefully she will come around too.

GotTheShaft posted 10/1/2020 12:02 PM

Another day, another post. This just helps me deal with the hurt. Nothing new to share, except I'm trying to approach the breakup with a new attitude. Instead of feeling devastated and depressed, I'm flipping my focus to looking at the breakup as the best thing that could happen to SAVE my relationship. There were challenges in the relationship on my side and on her side, and if we had continued the course we were on, the challenges would have been hidden, but they would still be there. Sure we might have gotten engaged and probably moved in together, and most likely eventually have gotten married. And the problems would have still been there, hiding under the surface, never being addressed.

The breakup has given me time to reflect. Time to realize that we were probably reaching a plateau in the relationship, and something needed to change, but neither of us were willing to address the issues head on, so nothing was ever going to change. Now, I have a better understanding of how I could have handled the issues she brought up, and I have a better idea of how we can approach them together. I also have a better understanding of how I could have communicated the issues that I had with her and her kids. In addition, by the brief period where I dated the new girl, I have clarity that I'm not just "lonely", because the new girl could have adequately filled that void. I'm actually 100% missing my ex, and I know without a doubt that she is who I want to spend my life with.

The only question now, is will I get that chance. On Monday, one of my female friends invited my ex to go on a girls fishing trip, and apparently within minutes of my friend sending the text, my ex responded that she would love to go. My ex came to like my friend over the time we dated, but the two of them never hung out without me and my friend's husband, and my friend was not someone who my ex communicated with a lot. So, to me this shows hope. Why would she accept the invitation if she wants me completely out of her life? The fishing trip is next week, so hopefully by this time next week, I'll have some answers.

In the mean time, I'm trying to focus on the new perspective that I have about the breakup. I'm trying to employ the law of attraction techniques in The Secret in order to will the universe to get my ex to soften her heart and speak with me. She has to still love me underneath the anger. I just didn't understand how much I had hurt her, or maybe it was that she also realized that something had to change in the relationship.

Right now, I need to get mentally strong again, and today is the first day that I have felt even a sliver of mental strength. I'm trying to build on this new feeling and new perspective. If I could will the universe to bring my ex to the beach over Labor Day weekend, and if I could will the universe to allow me to find her and connect with her, even if she didn't want to talk at that point, then I should also be able to will the universe to let her soften her heart enough to let me back in to talk with her.

Pray for me, hope for me, and send me your good vibes. I need them all right now. I know beyond a shadow of any doubt that this is the woman I intend to spend the rest of my life with. If it takes a couple months apart for me to have realized how to move forward, then it will all be more than worth it in the end.

annanew posted 10/1/2020 15:10 PM

1. I think she's definitely screwing someone else. And she's a b*tch for not being honest about it. I hate to put it crudely, but you seem to be thinking she's some kind of tortured angel who just needs to get back on the right path. Not the case. Please do not let her back in, if she even wants in. Which she doesn't appear to.

2. She accepted the invite with your friend because she wants to hear all about how much you miss her, not because she wants to be in contact. Pure ego trip. Also this is a great way for her to get her own closure, while denying you any semblance of closure! Bonus!

GotTheShaft posted 10/1/2020 16:19 PM

annanew - Yikes! I hope you're wrong. I asked my friend not to tell her that I miss her or that I'm pining for her. We will see what happens. I do think that I'm probably dead in the water, but I still have faint hope. I don't think she's necessarily screwing anyone else, but you never know.

Westway posted 10/1/2020 17:50 PM

What it boils down to is you loved your ex more than she loved you. That's it in a nutshell, and you cannot build a future on that kind of inequality.
Yes maybe she did start cheating on you and that's why she broke it off so abruptly. That would be my guess, but any way you look at it, her treatment of you was disrespectful at best and unnecessarily cruel at worst.

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