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Just got dumped

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blahblahblahe posted 11/19/2020 12:20 PM

Im no longer hoping for her to come back. I'm honestly trying to move forward. I just can't comprehend why I am struggling so much with this

It is not uncommon, everyone does it, however, what you miss is the habit (electrical impulses in our bodies actually wear a path, this is why repetitive actions become so easy with time). She was a habit, speaking to her, thinking about her, etc, were all habits. They fade with time, especially if you move along.

As for her wanting to continue with your friends, and wants to spin the breakup, that is a choice again of what you want to allow and who you want to allow to be your friends.

Also remember there is a significant difference between a friend (quite rare) and people within your social sphere (quite common), confusing and conflating them is usually where quite a few people get negative results.

GotTheShaft posted 11/19/2020 12:57 PM

blahblahblahe, thanks. That makes sense. I think you're right about the habit. We would text throughout the day, and then we would talk on the phone every night before we would go to bed. The texting during the day isn't what I miss - I think I miss the nightly conversations and the knowing (or at least thinking) that someone loved me.

I have been dating a few different women, trying to just relax and have fun and not get too attached, which I think was part of the problem with the woman I dated a few weeks after the breakup. But, there is one woman who is getting very attached. She is great in so many ways, but for some reason, I don't find her nearly as beautiful as my exGF, and that makes me miss the exGF more. She has so many favorable qualities, and I'm sure if I showed photos of her and my exGF side by side to 100 men, it would likely be 50-50 on who would be considered more attractive. But for some reason, to me it's not even close. It's a shame, because she doesn't have kids and hasn't ever been married - the exGF has a deadbeat ex-husband and 2 disrespectful teenage sons that aren't necessarily a lock to go to college or move out of the house.

Yet, I still miss my exGF. I know I just miss the illusion, because the person I miss was not the person she really is. I just wish I could go back in time to when I was blissfully happy in the relationship with her, and when my best friend was behaving like a friend.

I'm sure this will all pass soon. She's gone, and those habits I miss will die out. And my best friend will either come back and apologize, or he won't, and either way I will be ok.

annanew posted 11/19/2020 13:55 PM

Don't doubt your instincts about your (former?) friend. He is sending you bare-minimum, dismissive texts. 180 him.

Your instincts were not accurate with your exgf but that's the case with a lot of people - you have to see it to believe it, even when it may be obvious to others what is going on.

I hope you get away from ex-gf and from ex-friend, and find some good people to surround yourself with.

GotTheShaft posted 11/19/2020 14:07 PM

Thanks annanew. Yes, I didn't want to believe that my exGF was cheating. Especially after she knew the pain my exWW caused in my marriage.

But after seeing her bring the new guy around her family, everything clicked into place. The signs were all there, but she was able to conveniently blame Covid and related stress.

The questions now are:
1. Why am I still thinking about her so much? Knowing what I now know (or at least am extremely sure happened), I can't go back even if she wanted to. So, why am I still thinking about her and missing her nearly 3 months later? Maybe because she keeps reaching out to my friends and trying to weave herself into my life?

2. How do I move forward? I don't need to find my next long term relationship, but I'd at least like to be able to enjoy being with someone new. One of the girls I have been dating, I have gone out on a couple dates with, and she invited me over for dinner and netflix last night. As soon as things start to progress with a woman, I clam up and start missing my ex.

WhoTheBleep posted 11/20/2020 06:23 AM

It's probably too soon for you to be dating. You can move on without inviting other women into your life.

I hope it gets easier for you sooner rather than later. Breakups stink. Hang in there.

GotTheShaft posted 11/20/2020 08:54 AM


I'm sure it's probably too soon for me to be dating, or at least dating seriously. However, I worry that if I don't date, I'll be sitting at home ruminating about everything and not moving forward either.

Last night I was out with a friend from highschool who was in town to visit her mom and sister. The 4 of us all went to dinner, and it was nice to be out with them. I still missed my exGF. Seriously, I can't understand why I miss her this much after nearly 3 months, and knowing what she did and how awful it was. What's wrong with me?

I'm sure I need to learn to be happy alone, but I'm not happy alone. I am a relationship guy. I enjoy being in a relationship and all of the perks that go along with that. But clearly I'm not ready to be in one right now, even though I really want to be. I think I'm trying too hard to replace my exGF.

cf2018 posted 11/20/2020 12:39 PM

Not sure how this will be received, but here's my $0.02 about your friend; is there a chance he's angry at you because he wanted your support for something that he was going through but you were preoccupied with your exGF? My best friend confronted me once upon a time about our relationship being one sided. When I thought about it, there were absolutely times when I didn't balance that well. Friendships that last this long take work and effort. My core group of guy friends are still guys I grew up with. Some I've been friends with for 40 years. There are things that some people just don't share/talk about and we just get it. My best friend didn't even tell me his ex cheated on him until I asked him point blank - he didn't want to share it with anybody but he didn't want to lie.
Why not just pick up the phone and have a conversation with him? Discuss your concerns/worries point blank. Maybe he's mad because he knew that your exGF isn't worth your time but was confused why you couldn't see it. COVID has made lots of people do/say things that they would never normally do.

crazyblindsided posted 11/20/2020 12:46 PM

(((GotTheShaft))) so sorry you are still struggling. I think you should also try being alone for a period of time. Fill in that time with friends and doing hobbies, trying new things, going to new places and honoring yourself.

Give yourself a bit of a break from dating as I feel you are trying to mask the pain which doesn't work it will come out in other ways.

GotTheShaft posted 11/20/2020 14:07 PM

cf2018, I don't think that's it. I've tried to reach out to him multiple times. Tried to apologize for whatever it is that I did that upset him. He won't talk with me over the phone and only sends 1-2 word responses to my text messages. And, as for the part about him seeing that my ex wasn't worth my time, I don't think that's it either, because he apparently still comments on all of her social media posts according to some of my other friends.

I think she must have fed him a campaign of lies about me for months - probably right around the time that she started communicating with the new guy. And, whatever crap she fed him, he believed. This was purely calculated on her part. But in order for him to betray a 36 year friendship, she had to make him think he had a chance with her.

I just don't see why he's still acting cold towards me, now that she's made it public that she's dating someone else? Maybe he did something or told her something that he's afraid I'll find out about? He's pretty much written me off, so I'm going 180/no contact on him too. It's a shame, but I've tried being the bigger man, and that didn't work, so now I'm just going to disengage, leave him alone, and if he wants to come back into my life, I'll worry about it then.

GotTheShaft posted 11/20/2020 14:18 PM

crazyblindsided, thanks. I appreciate your kind words. I've considered being alone for the rest of the year, but I worry that I'll be lonely and depressed over the holidays, and I don't want that. Instead, I'm planning to keep it casual and not sleep with anyone. Just have fun and enjoy their company. I've been completely honest with the couple girls I have gone out with, and there's no reason to rush anything.

doin just fine posted 11/20/2020 15:25 PM

Something from my own life that will hopefully illustrate a couple points:

Last week, my ex behaved in a way that I disapprove of. It doesnít matter what she did, what matters is my reaction to it. It doesnít matter why she did what she did, only the reality matters. Knowing why wont change a thing. It doesnít even matter why I reacted the way I did. All that matters is I did. I lost my serenity. And thatís on me.

Anyhow, Iím over it. But earlier today I was describing to a friend events and how angry I was. He generously agreed with me. That I should be angry. I noticed that the angry feelings were coming back and intruding on my serenity.

First point: in my experience closure from understanding is a myth. Closure from acceptance of the state of the world is not. And thatís all internal, illustrated by my own response to a thing. Which is typically manifests in behavior.

Second point: In my own experience and observation venting and discussion rarely improves how I feel. I tend to see this in others as well. Venting about a thing leads to thinking about a thing leads to feeling about a thing. Actions, thoughts, and feelings. I have little control over what I think and feel, only a little more over how I act. But by acting a particular way, I often begin to feel the same.

So, how would you act if this were no longer an issue for you? Do that. The feeling ha will follow.

Edited to add: my natural state is to dwell on a thing thus keeping myself mired in misery of my own making. This is not easy, but I have found by practicing this Iíve become much happier.

[This message edited by doin just fine at 3:31 PM, November 20th (Friday)]

GotTheShaft posted 11/20/2020 16:12 PM

doin just fine, thanks for your input. I think in the beginning, I was flailing, and posting on here has helped. I didn't understand what happened and didn't think about infidelity. But as I have posted on here, other posters could see that there had to have been infidelity, and a few weeks ago, I discovered information that supports that theory.

Now, I need to move forward. I like your point about "how would I act if this was no longer an issue for me." That's the approach I need to take now.

Booyah posted 11/21/2020 03:44 AM

In my opinion the reason you miss your exgf is when you start to think about her you focus on the good memories.

You want to shut this down and put an end to the wonderful memories you have of her and that you miss her? Make a list of all of the bullshit and horrible things she did to you.

She cheated on you.
She lied to you.
She lied to your friends about you.

Every time you find yourself missing her pull that list out and remind yourself who she REALLY is. This will make you mad at first but it will eventually kill any feelings of missing her.

As for your so called "friend". He is NOT your "friend". Friends do not act this way towards one another. They act like a freaking adult and communicate with another because if you're truly friends with one another you value the friendship and are willing to discuss what's going on. Your "friend" is a coward and you should just move along and let him be. If he wants to be a man and a true friend he'll reach out to you and stop acting like a child.

GotTheShaft posted 11/21/2020 14:07 PM

Thanks BooYah! Youíre absolutely correct. I valued the friendship which is why I apologized even though I donít know what he thinks I have done wrong. Heís just been cold and short with me. And the exGF has done all those things and more. Iím just coming to terms with the fact that she knew what my xWW did, and she did the same damn thing. I guess both are gone from my life for good. It stinks more that my ďfriendĒ abandoned a 36 year friendship with me. But I canít control his poor behavior.

GotTheShaft posted 11/23/2020 12:54 PM

More update on the ongoing saga:

Yesterday, two different groups of friends invited me to join them two watch football at 2 different bars. I met the first group at 1:30p, and was planning to meet the second group at 3:30p.

When I got to the first bar, my "best friend" and his girlfriend were at the table with my group of common friends. I didn't know he was going to be there. The only open seat at the table was next to his girlfriend - he was on the opposite end of the table talking with a few other guys we know. I sat there for almost 2 hours eating wings and talking with his girlfriend about a number of things involving her kids, my kids, thanksgiving, football, etc. Nothing about my exGF and nothing about my "best friend". One of the other guys said "2020 hasn't been all that bad for us...except you getting Covid." At that point, my "best friend's" girlfriend asked "You had Covid?" I found it strange that she didn't know, especially since my "best friend" weakly reached out about it.

After about 2hrs, I left, said goodbye to everyone, and went to the other sports bar to meet my other friends. So, in the entire 2hrs I was there, sitting next to his girlfriend, not once did he come over to say hello. I thought that was odd, but not totally unexpected considering the circumstances.

A few hours later, he sent me a text saying: "Hey, is (another girl that he and I both know) still dating that same guy?" I was surprised to receive that text. Especially since he couldn't be bothered to speak to me when I was sitting at the same table as him for 2hrs. That's a text he would have sent me 3 months ago, when we were best friends, but not the text I'd expect to get now. Since I was out with my other friends when the text came through, I just ignored it and figured I would reply today.

This morning, he sent me another text stating: "LOL, was just curious...her name came up last night."

So, I responded "Ask her." (which is what he should have told my exGF when she was bothering him about me talking to her brother-in-law).

He then responded "Whatever dude. Nice attitude. Your true colors keep shining!"

I replied "No (best friend). Yours are."

He replied "LMFAO. Read your reply and tell me who's being the asshole. I'm reacting to your sarcastic reply. It's all good man. Was a simple question that didn't need a sarcastic reply, but I get it.. The ironic part is that I was actually going to reach out to you today to try to clear the air...after seeing you yesterday. But to get a reply like I got from you this morning. Your words make your stance loud and clear..."

What the F??? So, I've extended multiple olive branches to him over the past 3 months, and he's dismissed every one. He's berated me and texted aggressive responses like what he wrote above, and somehow I'm the a-hole??? I don't think for one minute that he was planning to reach out to me today to try to clear the air. If he was, he would have done it. I think he went back and reread our text exchange and realized that HE was the one being the a-hole.

But, since he threw that out there, I figured I'd paint him into a corner. So I responded "My response was not intended to be sarcastic. And I would look forward to speaking with you to clear the air."

I really didn't intend my response to be sarcastic. It was none of his business, and it wasn't my business to share if the girl was still dating the same guy. If he wanted to know, he could have asked her. They're "friends" too, although she thinks he's an a-hole.

He said he would reach out to me this afternoon. Want to put money on him suddenly "getting too busy" and not having a chance to reach out?

I can't imagine what he could possibly say at this point to make me want to continue to be his friend? But, if he does reach out, I'll listen to what he has to say. I'm kind of curious.

Charity411 posted 11/23/2020 14:26 PM

What would have been an acceptable text for you? It seems that whatever attempts he's made in the past to reach out to you, your immediate response is that they fell short. They weren't long enough, he didn't ask the right questions about your Covid infection, he's berated you.

In all honesty, you've done your fair share of berating him. You came to a conclusion without any real proof that, first, he must be cheating with your EXGF. Then when that turned out not to be true, you moved on assuming he was tuning you out because he wanted to have sex with your EXGF (even though he has a girlfriend of his own) and only started reaching out to you when he knew it wasn't going to happen because she had a new boyfriend. If that's what you honestly think of this guy you've been friends with for 36 years, why on earth are you trying to be his friend anyway?

I've followed your thread, and I honestly think his anger goes back to the beach trip. Whatever it was, and no can really speculate what it was, that was the timing of it.

In the meantime, you have dwelled on this situation trying to put together scenarios from gleaning tidbits of information. Using your own words, you really did know why your relationship ended. It had something to do with your way of dealing with her sons. You even responded to another thread on this site that you found her sons to be rude and disrespectful and you couldn't propose to her because you didn't want your daughters to be exposed to her sons. And they weren't going to be out of the house anytime soon.

That makes you a good father. I totally get that. But I also get why she wouldn't want to prolong the relationship any further if it was going to come down to a choice between her sons and you.

You are guessing she was cheating on you but you don't really know. But if you are going to use the standard that it was too soon after your breakup for her to be public with him, remember, you went out on a date or two within weeks of your breakup. How in love with her were you really if you could move on that fast? Everyone here told you it was too soon. Are they POSOWs? like you label her new boyfriend? Were you on dating sites while with her? How would you feel if someone made those assumptions about you?

I would spend less time on social media checking on who is liking who's posts or taking calls from female friends that are talking to your EXGF but think she's full of crap. What kind of friend is that? I think you need some new friends.

In the meantime maybe try to go back to an honest conversation over a beer or two. The problem with texting is that written words can be construed as having very different meanings than they were meant to, depending on the mood of the people involved.

GotTheShaft posted 11/23/2020 14:56 PM

Charity, thanks for your reply, but I respectfully disagree with much of what you wrote. I never told my exGF that I wouldn't propose to her because of her sons. I never said that's why the relationship ended. I just said that if her sons weren't as disrespectful as they are, I would have already proposed.

And, yes, I went on a few dates WAY too soon. I acknowledged that. The difference is that I didn't bring that woman around my family or post photos of her and my family on Facebook. That's not 1st or 2nd date activities. EVERYONE except you and I thought she cheated on me, and when I saw the photo of her and the new guy with her family, coupled with the fact that they lived in the same small town during her marriage, everything clicked into place - looking back, she displayed the same behaviors that my exWW displayed during her affair. I think it's pretty obvious what happened.

You seem very quick to defend my exGF and my "best friend" and very quick to judge me. Please reread the text exchange between me and my best friend this morning and tell me that I'm somehow misinterpreting his tone or intent. He's aggressive and unnecessarily abusive in those texts. In the text exchanges when he asked about my Covid, he was very dismissive and short. I've shown those text exchanges to plenty of other people including my therapist, and they all agree. He's behaving strange - not like he has for the past 36 years.

I was ready to move on and leave him behind, especially after yesterday and this morning. But when he said the garbage about he was going to reach out to clear the air today, I had to reply and see if he's serious. I'm interested in what he has to say, although I'm skeptical that there's anything in the world he could possibly say that would make things right. And, like I said, I doubt he's actually going to reach out. I guess we will see.

Charity411 posted 11/23/2020 15:43 PM

I honestly don't mean to judge you. And I don't know your EXGF or your BF so I can't defend them either. None of us here know them, and our only knowledge of the situation comes from you.

Whatever the exact words were about not proposing, the reality is still the same. I absolutely do not think you were wrong about that. If you don't think you could deal with her sons, and you found them to be a bad influence on your daughters, you by no means should propose. But as someone who raised a daughter on my own from the time she was 6, I know that if I sensed someone wouldn't commit to me because my daughter was a deal breaker, I wouldn't want to prolong things, because no matter how much I loved that person, my daughter was my first priority. And being perfectly honest, there was a period of time when my daughter was an absolute nightmare. But she was my nightmare.

What I'm trying to say is that some of the things they have done that you are upset about, you have done yourself, not meaning to at all. You are coming from a place of deep hurt and rejection. You see your actions in a different light than you see theirs. That's perfectly understandable. But it seems to have you stuck.

I bet if he showed your text response that said "Ask her." to everyone, some would see that as short, harsh or sarcastic as well, because they don't have the other side of the story. If you don't think there is anything he can say or do to make things right, then don't take the call. What's the point? It will only give you more to dwell on. Cut the ties cleanly and move on. I think once you separate yourself from them both mentally, you'll move on much more quickly.

AnnieOakley posted 11/23/2020 16:11 PM

No... I too have attempted to point out some of the same assumptions and behaviors that Charity mentions and that you continue to circle back too.

You seem hell bent on painting her as a cheater (without any proof, but a single FB post) weeks after you broke up. Do you feel that allows you to mourn the break up longer or with a greater sense of disdain towards her? I said and posted that her actions were bitchy, along with contacting your friends, but it does not make her a cheater.

Maybe your friend will give you some hard truths? Maybe your other friends are just trying to be supportive? IDK, but you seem to be hyper focused on being RIGHT!!!!!!! vs. making strides to move forward in a more healthy manner.

GotTheShaft posted 11/24/2020 05:39 AM

Annie Oakley, I disagree with you as well. I have everything except for the smoking gun. It wasnít just the Facebook post. It was the behavior going back until April. It was clear to everyone else. And something didnít feel right to me. I just didnít want to believe it. Especially the way she abruptly ended the relationship and ghosted me. That Facebook post put all the pieces together for me. All of the signs and behaviors match exactly what my exWW displayed. I have no doubt exGF was cheating. I just donít have the proof.

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