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Is this a red flag or a one off thing?

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

redrock posted 8/30/2020 20:35 PM

It sounds to me like you are trying to do right by your business and relationship. Thatís a hard balancing act.

She acted like a complete tool. Whether or not she has a condition or not, she gave herself permission to lose it and if you donít think the fact that you are the owner factored in to the situation or aftermath you are wrong.

She knew she wasnít gonna get fired. So did the guy she humiliated and embarrassed. You may not be willing to admit it but girlfriend of a year trumps new worker of 3 weeks. Everybody in the truck knows who you go home with, no matter how professional you keep it on the job.

You crew got a message. Bottom line, the guy that pissed of your girl off (for minor infractions) is gone. Iíd say itís a problem., thatís probably why you gut isnít letting it go.

I donít think its insurmountable, youíve taken steps. If youíve only addressed it privately step one is for her to apologize to everyone in the truck during her meltdown. A public expression of ownership and humility in the face of bad behavior is in order.

And she needs to address it. Weíve all got our shit to deal with. I hope she figures it out.

Ps. Did she apologize to the guy she raged at before he quit?

[This message edited by redrock at 8:37 PM, August 30th (Sunday)]

Myname posted 8/30/2020 21:29 PM

You crew got a message. Bottom line, the guy that pissed of your girl off (for minor infractions) is gone. Iíd say itís a problem., thatís probably why you gut isnít letting it go.

I disagree with this. I would not have fired anyone for that. When you are working in 100 degrees for 10-12 hours a day tempers flair for minor things all the time. I can't fire everyone the first time they fly off the handle.

I actually dealt with her more harshly than others who have done the same thing. Normally a written warning is given. If it happens again a week off. She didn't get the warning. Instead she went right to the week off and she was told if it happened again that she would be fired. She also is going to get her hours cut.

I told him that he would not have to work with her anymore. I would set the days he normally works (Tuesday-Thursday) and she would only work Monday and Friday instead of her normal Monday - Friday. So for the balance of the season she was going to get her hours cut by more than half. Since he quit she will still get her hours cut just not as much. She will work 3 days per week instead of being cut to only 2.

She apologized to the other guy in the truck, who didn't think what she did was a big deal but he's also seen much worse. She did not apologize to the most important person, the guy she went off on. She offered to do so after she heard he quit but too little too late on that one.

The big thing here is she needs to learn to manage this. People chew, eat, make noises, breathe, etc. it's part of life. She can't go ballistic on every person that does those things.

redrock posted 8/30/2020 23:37 PM

Your right. I do not understand your business.

I didnít say anyone should be fired. I said your girl acted the fool and the results are sheís still employed, heís not. That that sends a message to your employees. You say it doesnít.

The outcome doesnít change because she may actually have a sensitivity to slurping , or the volatility of employees working in high temperatures. A guy was working, now heís not as a direct result of someone elseís tantrum.

If itís not a big deal in relation to the work environment then why is it considered a possible red flag relationship wise?

Myname posted 8/31/2020 00:39 AM

Redrock,

I agree that the end result of SO still employed but the victim not is wrong. I feel like I sent the message to the rest of the crew that even though she is my SO she is not above the rules by disciplining her more harshly than I would others. Iím not sure how much more I could have done without firing her. I was willing to alter her schedule and cut her hours so the victim would not have to work with her. Maybe I should say here, he was only planning on working for me for another month anyway. He was temporary help so Iím sure that played into his decision to quit.

The other guy in the truck has been there long enough to have seen far worse with only a written warning given. So I think he realized that she does not and did not get special treatment. I feel like I did as much as I could without actually firing her.

Iím not being snarky at all but how do you think I could have or should have handled that differently?

If itís not a big deal in relation to the work environment then why is it considered a possible red flag relationship wise?

I never said it wasnít. Yelling at someone else is a big deal at work which is why she was suspended for a week and will have her hours cut for the rest of the season.

You canít really compare an employee to an SO. There are plenty of things that I am far less concerned about in a work relationship that would be major issues in a romantic relationship.

LadyG posted 8/31/2020 02:00 AM

I am glad I read through your post as I usually donít go near this section, but I think I developed Misophonia soon after my father passed away, exactly 9 years ago today.

I went through hell with doctors trying to figure out what was wrong with me. After the initial shock of his passing I had lingering symptoms which arise even now, such as the slurping. My dad wasnít a noisy eater so he wasnít the cause and I have learned to control myself when I feel triggered.

But I have never felt anger towards others as you have described.

Maybe your GF has experienced a trauma.

If you love her enough to help her through this, then I donít see it as a Red Flag.

Myname posted 8/31/2020 06:34 AM

Maybe your GF has experienced a trauma

She has had a lot of trauma in life but I'm not sure if that is what triggered it.

I definitely want to help her with this but if I find that she just has straight up anger issues and not Misophonia I'm out.

LadyG,

What has helped you to control it?

Catwoman posted 8/31/2020 06:53 AM

Iím not being snarky at all but how do you think I could have or should have handled that differently?

I don't think romantic partners should voluntarily enter into working together like the two of you are.

First, you are her superior and she is your subordinate. Don't think everyone doesn't know, because they do. This causes an undercurrent of issues and gossip, even if some of it is not true. Even though you disciplined her, the belief is likely to be that since she sleeps with you, you won't take this behavior seriously.

With all of the folks who are unemployed right now, I struggle to see why hiring her was something you thought was appropriate.

Cat

LadyG posted 8/31/2020 07:13 AM

not Misophonia I'm out.

What has helped you to control it?

Maturity, Meditation and really accepting that everyone has challenges and I have learned to Not allow these annoying noises control me. At times I still quietly slip away and remove myself from a noisy situation without panicking and fleeing. It takes time and patience. But I feel I am in control of it now.

lieshurt posted 8/31/2020 07:56 AM

This is not a one time behavior. Give it time. Sit back and watch. It will happen again.


I have to agree with this statement. It's easy to hide your true nature for a year. Eventually though, cracks develop and it becomes more difficult to keep things hidden.

I also must agree with those who say it's a bad idea to have your SO as an employee.

EvenKeel posted 8/31/2020 08:35 AM

I'm honestly still really angry at her for this.
I bet!

I am trying to place myself in her position. I am also a person who gets overwhelmed in certain situations. Can totally relate to having to bolt from a grocery store.

Even so, I would never-ever-ever go off at my place of employment. It would be doubly mortifying if it was my own SO's personal business! There was a couple options she could have done versus the outburst. That shows she does not have control over herself in certain situations.

Which brings my brain back to your first post when you said about her plotting extreme retaliation when she is venting. When she replied "No, I wouldn't really say that....". I am not so sure. She just demonstrated she has lacks impulse control if she is emotionally charged.

We all 'lose it' once in a blue moon. But to go off on some poor, new co-worker at your BF's business/livelihood? Ummmm - hard NO WAY.

PS - it is almost pumpkin season!!!!!!!!!!

Myname posted 8/31/2020 09:36 AM

With all of the folks who are unemployed right now, I struggle to see why hiring her was something you thought was appropriate.

She was/is one of the unemployed. She is a yoga instructor and until recently was not even allowed by our state to do her job. Even now she hardly has any work. Also, we have a very small company. 3 people besides myself. Itís not unusual for me to hire friends. This year I only hired friends that were out of work.

PS - it is almost pumpkin season!!!!!!!!!!

I havenít carved a pumpkin in a few years but Iím hoping to do so this year. Iíve actually taken up wood carving. Iíll have to post some pics of some of my carvings one of these days.

twicefooled posted 8/31/2020 11:39 AM

Your gut is telling you something.

Me, personally, I would run for the hills. Why? Because we are ALL experiencing the trauma of Covid and we don't all "go off" on people. I, myself, have literally never yelled at a worker in my entire working life. If I'm going to partner with someone, I want someone that always has good boundaries no matter the reason.

"If you love her enough to help her through this, then I donít see it as a Red Flag." I also caution this statement. This is a HER problem that has now become a YOU problem at work. SHE needs to do the work to figure out what her issue is and how to deal with it. But it's certainly not up to you to fix it or help her fix it.

I don't have much advice, only that I would be very cautious if I were you. I need Emotional Intelligence in a partner.

DevastatedDee posted 8/31/2020 12:13 PM

Maybe I'm just not such a good person anymore and maybe I'm just extremely selfish of my mental energy, so take this with a grain of salt.

I have decided that I am more than happy to stay single for the rest of my days before I get involved with anyone who has issues that hurt other people or complicate my life. We all have trauma. We've all seen and been the victim of bad things. We all have our quirks. We all have a ready-made excuse that we can pull from our pasts if we act the fool and go off on an innocent bystander. Every last one of us can manufacture an "excuse" for throwing a fit or fleeing from a grocery store.

There are people who have real issues that lead them to do things like your girlfriend did. I don't have time for them anymore. I just walk away. I don't want to help. I don't want to understand. I just want to protect my peace.

I know that it's hard when you have feelings for her. You care. Now she has acted in a way that gives you pause. Old me would ask and seek advice and try to figure out why a guy I was with would do that. I'd offer to help with these issues. New me would be ready to just walk.

I'm not devoid of empathy. I do all the helping and understanding and behavioral modification with shelter dogs at this stage in my life. That is more rewarding and much safer for me. I'll work with a scared and growling German Shepherd before I'll work with someone who yelled at a coworker for mouth noises. Safer. The dog might only bite me.

MakingMyFuture posted 8/31/2020 13:05 PM

Sign of things to come. She is expressing her inner most feelings that really sound like deep rage. But keeping it in check with an ďof course I wouldnít actually say thatĒ

Her behavior was completely uncalled for and out of line and lacked not only professionalism but also a recognition of human dignity and respect. That she did so with the ďadded protectionĒ of knowing she was dating the boss only made her more comfortable expressing herself fully and only makes it more disgusting.

Fire HER. (And run from her...she is still in the comfortable stage...whatís this going to look like after 10-20 years of comfort ina relationship)

Then contact the employee back who quit, apologize and ask him if heíll come back.

Myname posted 8/31/2020 13:15 PM

I just canít end any type of relationship (romantic or otherwise) based off one bad thing. I know if the people around me did that with me I would have nobody. We all screw up from time to time. And one mess up in 10 months and get out of my life seems pretty harsh.

Nevertheless, I will absolutely treat this as something to pay very close attention to. If I continue to see more signs of this type of behavior then that will be it. Iím hoping this was an isolated incident but time will certainly tell for sure.

Just to add Iím perfectly content and happy to be single.

Chaos posted 8/31/2020 13:39 PM

This is NOT a 1 time thing. Her mask slipped. Pay attention.

Jambomo posted 9/8/2020 05:15 AM

I think it depends on how she responded afterwards. Did you have to make her say sorry and point out that she acted badly or did she realise herself, apologise off her own back and accept her work punishment.

Everyone messes up and acts badly sometimes, people arenít machines. If you do something bad though, part of being sorry is making sure you take actions so you donít do it again. This is what you need to see from her.

I would argue that this isnít an isolated incident as such, you mentioned her abandoning her cart as the supermarket and walking out. Thatís different but still another example of an extreme overreaction to something.

If you donít start seeing some effort from her to control these emotional outbursts then you probably want to think of moving on. If she makes some effort to get some help, especially if it is Misophonia and you know about that now- then thatís different and you can perhaps support her in that. A bit like reconciliation - you can be supportive but she has to do the work.

steadychevy posted 9/8/2020 09:28 AM

One of the things a person is advised to do when dating is to observe how the potential permanent partner deals with other people. How do they address serving staff or checkout clerks or receptionists or fellow employees.

You don't want to make the call right now but have indicated you will be observing her behaviour more closely. That's good. There may be other indications in different settings than at work.

The phrase "when someone shows you who they are , believe them" applies to much more than adultery.

DevastatedDee posted 9/8/2020 16:58 PM

I would argue that this isnít an isolated incident as such, you mentioned her abandoning her cart as the supermarket and walking out. Thatís different but still another example of an extreme overreaction to something.

That one stuck with me for some reason as something that would be potentially a dealbreaker for me. I really thought about it, and the reason it bugs me is that this causes problems for numerous other people. The reasons I wouldn't do it:

1. Someone who works there has to put all the stuff back.

2. The refrigerated/frozen stuff might have to be tossed out. This affects the store in lost profits and the customers in higher prices. It's like theft.

3. It removes items from the shelves that maybe someone else needed and now there aren't enough left.

I can think of reasons to do that that don't make you an asshole:

*You just got a call that someone close to you died/has been in an accident.

*You're pregnant and your water broke.

*You literally just shit yourself.

*You had a mental breakdown.

The last one would actually be a potential dealbreaker for me, because I'm now too selfish to be with someone who has mental breakdowns so severe that they can't complete a grocery shopping trip. That doesn't mean the person is an asshole, but I would think long and hard about what kind of issues I'm willing to deal with in a partner.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 4:59 PM, September 8th (Tuesday)]

Fablegirl posted 9/10/2020 12:11 PM

I have to add to the group and say it's a red flag.
One of the first things I noticed about XWH is his inappropriate anger to what I regarded as minor annoyances. He would even berate children like they were adults -- for scuffing a floor while playing or for interrupting, etc. After we were married it got worse. He would melt down and scream at me allowing a hose to freeze or parking in a space he didn't like.
So back to you and SO, I worry this may be the tip of the iceberg.

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