Newest Member: faithfulMan911

Just Found Out :
Unfortunate newbie

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Anniecake1 (original poster New Member #75224) posted at 6:00 PM on Friday, August 21st, 2020

He is still bargaining with me. This morning he came up to me and said that he really wants to stay with me and he will end the affair. He has now agreed that he will not do it in person but he has not yet come to the understanding why it is so important that you put it in writing and I see it first. He wants to call her. He is still too concerned with her feelings and doesn’t seem to understand that they are not boyfriend and girlfriend but two people who entered into something that they knew was wrong from the beginning. I am, however, proud of myself today. I called my life insurance agent and have requested to switch the majority of my life insurance to my parents as beneficiaries. I called and made an appointment with an attorney for Monday. I made an individual counseling appointment for myself which unfortunately won’t happen until the 31st but at least it is scheduled. I got up, took a shower, put on make up And I’m on my way to some appointments. My WH is home sleeping. Interestingly, as I write this, he has just logged in to our Life360 account which he logged out of in anger yesterday morning. I am just going to take everything moment by moment but making these appointments and setting these boundaries have made me feel less fragile. I’m still so heartbroken. I truly appreciate all of your comments. They especially got me through the night. Nights are so difficult

posts: 36   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2020
id 8577088
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squid ( Member #57624) posted at 6:21 PM on Friday, August 21st, 2020

Keep focusing on things you can control. He's going to flail and vacillate for a while. Don't give in to his manipulation. It's your way or the highway. Period.

You're doing great.

BH
D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn’t what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2582   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Central Florida
id 8577095
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Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 7:08 PM on Friday, August 21st, 2020

Have you exposed him with ALL family and close friends yet ? Have you talked to your SIL about her possible knowledge and/or involvement ? if she was a cheerleader and encouraged/helped cover the A, she's not a friend of the M and needs to go as well, if that's the case inform her husband about it.

Remember that in order for you to even have a chance at R, the A must be over immediately and NOTHING kills an A faster than FULL EXPOSURE and D papers, you've already told him what you need, if he insists on "bargaining" with you, don't engage and implement the hard 180 and start detaching.

posts: 2408   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8577127
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siracha ( Member #75132) posted at 7:44 PM on Friday, August 21st, 2020

You sound like you are acing this . More strength to you

Just a word on post nups they are often hard as fk to enforce

You should speak to a lawyer and see if thats true in your zip code . The other way to go is to divorce now and remarry later with a bullet proof pre nup after he has passed all your other requirements

posts: 538   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2020
id 8577145
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BigMammaJamma ( Member #65954) posted at 7:53 PM on Friday, August 21st, 2020

Annie, your most recent post is giving me life!

Taking control of your life feels good, huh? (S)He who values about the relationship the least has the most power, unfortunately. Up until now, he hasn't been valuing you or your relationship, so he has had all the power. But your actions have demonstrated that you are not going to accept being treated like this. KEEP GOING and watch that power dynamic flip.

Me- born in 1984
Him- born in 1979
We both have 2 kids from previous marriages and we share a two year old.
I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.
Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this c

posts: 171   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8577151
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 Anniecake1 (original poster New Member #75224) posted at 8:23 PM on Friday, August 21st, 2020

I haven't said anything to my brother and sister in law yet because I don't know if they know. My WH says he knows they suspect. My husband's brother's wife is best friends with this woman. They all went on an overnight waterpark trip for a 10 year old's birthday and shared one room. I didn't know there would be a single woman going with her child and also sharing the room until the day of. I didn't want to go because the idea of sharing a room with a bunch of adults and kids did not appeal to me. I chose to stay behind and spend girl time with my mom. Feeling horribly regretful about that now. My WH says no one saw them. I cannot picture how this started and I'm okay with that. I've been told that my SIL confronted the AP and she denied it. I've just got to believe that they must know if they actually bothered to confront.

posts: 36   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2020
id 8577164
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 9:39 PM on Friday, August 21st, 2020

So proud of you for standing up for yourself and getting so much done today. I know it feels awful, but it really is hard to take action and there's not one of us here who doesn't know it. Well done!

He is still bargaining with me. This morning he came up to me and said that he really wants to stay with me and he will end the affair. He has now agreed that he will not do it in person but he has not yet come to the understanding why it is so important that you put it in writing and I see it first. He wants to call her.

Did you remind him that in putting her first he's telling you clearly where his priorities lie? He's saying he wants R, but he's not acting like he does. It's not like he can R without you, and the more he alienates you, the less likely you are to be interested in continuing the marriage.

Your WH now has a history of lying, and as with all liars, their word is no longer enough. It's their ACTIONS which tell the story. While it IS typical that cheaters want to preserve the APs fond feelings, the REASON we ask for the NC letter without all the warmth and frills is to make a hard break and/or cause stress to the illicit relationship. The WS needs to say clearly that he was wrong, that he loves his spouse, and that he doesn't want any further contact. Many, when required to do this, will go behind the BS's back and tell the AP to ignore it, that they don't mean it but that they have to appease their spouse. That too makes them look like shit because the AP can see clearly that the WS is trying to preserve the marriage rather than leave it. All things considered, I wouldn't negotiate on this point. He either sends the NC (and does it to your satisfaction) or he admits that YOU aren't his priority.

You did very well to change your beneficiary, and I hope your attorney can work up a post-nup in case you decide to R. I think it might end up being psychologically important to you that if he decides to stay, he's staying for you and not for the lifestyle you provide. Putting a dividing line between your WS and your finances takes confusion out of the equation. I would say this though, you'll want to be extremely certain of him if you choose R. At four years of marriage, you'd likely be looking at two years of alimony, and I have no idea what kind of access he has to claims on your business and properties. But it's guaranteed that at ten years, he'll have more.

posts: 4514   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8577194
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 Anniecake1 (original poster New Member #75224) posted at 3:00 PM on Saturday, August 22nd, 2020

So he told me yesterday that he was Going to break it off with her today via phone call. Granted, that is one step better than the way he wanted to do it which was in person. However, it isn’t the way I asked which was in writing so that I could see it for myself. He said he couldn’t do it yesterday because she was working all day. I am definitely annoyed. I woke up this morning feeling down And I remembered the 180. I decided to get dressed and I told him I was going to the park for a walk by myself. This is very unusual for me because this is something we almost always do together, with our dogs. He was visibly unhappy about this. He said that he thought what I wanted was to start doing things together and moving past this. My response was that once he did the three things I asked of him, then I could be all in. Until then that was not possible. I reminded him that this morning he still has a girlfriend, I do not have access to his phone and all of his technology, and he hasn’t made his individual counseling appointment. Once he does that it will be different. For now, I am looking out for myself and doing something that is good for me. When I left, he was still not very happy and I’m guessing a bit suspicious. I am just looking to all of you here to make sure I am on the right path. I am trying very hard to listen to all of you. Thank you!

posts: 36   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2020
id 8577384
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 Anniecake1 (original poster New Member #75224) posted at 3:00 PM on Saturday, August 22nd, 2020

So he told me yesterday that he was Going to break it off with her today via phone call. Granted, that is one step better than the way he wanted to do it which was in person. However, it isn’t the way I asked which was in writing so that I could see it for myself. He said he couldn’t do it yesterday because she was working all day. I am definitely annoyed. I woke up this morning feeling down And I remembered the 180. I decided to get dressed and I told him I was going to the park for a walk by myself. This is very unusual for me because this is something we almost always do together, with our dogs. He was visibly unhappy about this. He said that he thought what I wanted was to start doing things together and moving past this. My response was that once he did the three things I asked of him, then I could be all in. Until then that was not possible. I reminded him that this morning he still has a girlfriend, I do not have access to his phone and all of his technology, and he hasn’t made his individual counseling appointment. Once he does that it will be different. For now, I am looking out for myself and doing something that is good for me. When I left, he was still not very happy and I’m guessing a bit suspicious. I am just looking to all of you here to make sure I am on the right path. I am trying very hard to listen to all of you. Thank you!

posts: 36   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2020
id 8577385
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HardKnocks ( Member #70957) posted at 3:07 PM on Saturday, August 22nd, 2020

Yes, right path, IMO.

Stand strong!

I think I read that you will soon be seeing an IC.

Generally, it gets a lot easier when you have that support and guidance.

You can do this!

BW 30 year marriage.
DDay2 2/20 5 month PA
My Ducks are Aligned and I'm Good to Go! :)

posts: 304   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2019
id 8577388
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Sceadugenga ( Member #74429) posted at 3:15 PM on Saturday, August 22nd, 2020

You're doing great. I sort of envy your level-headedness in all of this :-)

posts: 274   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2020
id 8577390
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totallydumb ( Member #66269) posted at 3:34 PM on Saturday, August 22nd, 2020

And I remembered the 180. I decided to get dressed and I told him I was going to the park for a walk by myself.

Don't tell him what you are doing. Become a "woman of mystery", or in other words, keep the cheater guessing what you are doing.

If you see your ex with someone else--don't be jealous. Our parents taught us to give our old,used toys to the less fortunate.

posts: 454   ·   registered: Sep. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Alberta, Canada
id 8577396
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 5:50 PM on Saturday, August 22nd, 2020

When you do the 180, don’t cook for him, dont do his laundry (if it’s you doing those things of course) don’t eat with him, don’t sleep in the same room... basically your are not his spouse anymore.

As you continue with the 180, it will become easier to take decisions that are best for you, instead of just following your heart.

Even if he does the 3 things you ask, it doesn’t mean you have to R. You don’t owe him R. It’s a gift that you may or may not give.

R requires years of dedication and reparation on his part.

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1431   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8577459
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 Anniecake1 (original poster New Member #75224) posted at 6:58 PM on Saturday, August 22nd, 2020

Update-when I came home from my walk (which I made sure lasted 2 hours), he handed me his phone. He deleted Facebook messenger which was where he was communicating with her. He made his appointment for IC and he actually wrote out the NC letter via text. He let me read it, asked me if I was okay with the wording and then he sent it and then blocked her while I watched. Yesterday I emailed him an excerpt I got from this site on how the NC letter should be worded and why this was important. I think this made it easier for him to understand why a phone call or in person was not acceptable.

I am very happy he did this but of course still so worried about the “back track”. Does anyone know if T-mobile will let you block a phone number from coming in? I-phones just let you j click "block number" but all you have to do is Hit "unblock". You can turn it off and on at will.

posts: 36   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2020
id 8577484
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 7:20 PM on Saturday, August 22nd, 2020

I had my WH change his phone number. It was a headache for him, but whatever. He's the one who caused it. I also had him close email accts, uninstall messaging apps, block and update security on FB, etc. Any route the OW had to communicate, he closed up. Now, of course, this can't stop them if they're determined, but it decreases the likelihood of casual contact.

Your WH seems under the impression that all he has to do is take care of the things on the list you gave him. But he's still not a safe partner until he gets enough therapy to find out what the hell is going on in his character which made cheating an option. There's a gap between his stated values (honesty and fidelity) and his actual deeds (cheating). He's not a safe partner for you until his stated values are aligned with his daily behavior and those values are acceptable to you. Right now, you're living with a man who doesn't share your values, who is capable of saying "yes" to cheating and lying. You can't R with that. He has to remediate it in order to be an acceptable partner.

So, R doesn't happen now. It happens once he's proved that he's somebody you would like to be married to. You have access to his phone, and hopefully to his online bill. Did he call her in the time since you asked for him to do the NC letter? If so, how do you know he didn't tell her to just ignore it and that he was only doing it because he was busted?

Recovering from intimate betrayal is generally a 2-5 year process. He's got quite a lot of work to do and it's going to take you a long time to heal. Don't let him rush you.

I hope you'll keep your appointment on Monday to see an attorney. I still think you need to push that post-nup. Your WH might not like it, but that's the cost of cheating.

posts: 4514   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8577492
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 Anniecake1 (original poster New Member #75224) posted at 7:40 PM on Saturday, August 22nd, 2020

I absolutely intend to keep my appointment on Monday. I also completely realize that this is just step one. I am actually the only one who has access to the phone bill. My next step is to go on there to see if he put in a call to her first and to attempt to just block her number from the main service as opposed to just on his phone. I can certainly see the temptation to unblock her to see if she responded. I can’t imagine a woman who would feel good about going along with accepting texts like that just so he could stay with his wife. Then again a lot of things are very surprising.I just want to do everything step-by-step and slowly. I am in no way naïve, just hopeful.

posts: 36   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2020
id 8577501
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Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 7:52 PM on Saturday, August 22nd, 2020

So do you now have full on demand access to his phone and all electronic devices and passwords ? has he agreed to a polygraph (this may not be his first rodeo) ? STD test appointment ? Also this:

I've been told that my SIL confronted the AP and she denied it. I've just got to believe that they must know if they actually bothered to confront.

NO you DON'T, you don't have to believe ANYTHING from him, remember he's now a proven cheater and a liar, this is sometimes done to protect the AP's reputation and embarrassment, you should VERIFY this with your SIL and your brother, find out what they know for sure, that will also let them know that you now know, also since he claims he/they"denied it" when confronted he should call and apologize to them for his "dishonesty, of course right in front of you and on speaker".

OTOH you don't OWE him anything and please STOP telegraphing your moves, when you do the 180 you don't need to tell him you're going anywhere, you just do it, that's how you detach, don't promise R just because he started doing XYZ, just tell him he broke the vows and that you are only "CONSIDERING" all your options including D and that R is NOT even guaranteed at all and for you to even consider that he needs to sign that postnup NOW, that you are going to take your time and protect yourself. If he refuses, simply go through with the D, if he eventually comes around you can always date him again after the D is final or NOT ! honestly I recommend you dump him and move on, if he's like this now what's going to happen when your 70 and he's 57 years old ? he's now track record and odds don't seem very promising.

posts: 2408   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8577504
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Sharkman ( Member #56818) posted at 8:06 PM on Saturday, August 22nd, 2020

He did the breakup in secret which means, in cheaterspeak, that they figured out how to go underground with it. He'll have a burner phone and new setup within the week.

posts: 1716   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8577511
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 Anniecake1 (original poster New Member #75224) posted at 8:27 PM on Saturday, August 22nd, 2020

Sharkman- I'm not sure what you mean. He let me read everything and then he sent it while I was watching. I also watched him block her and remove Facebook messaging. I have checked phone records and according to them, he did not call her before sending. I am hold with TMobile right now trying to get her completely blocked at the source. I'm also able to log in to everything he has. That's another thing I'm doing right now.

Trust me, I'm a nervous wreck about all of this. I guess there's always a way he can reach her if he wanted to. I'll never be able to monitor everything. I'm looking forward to IC. I know it will help to have someone to listen to me and help me navigate.

posts: 36   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2020
id 8577521
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Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 8:34 PM on Saturday, August 22nd, 2020

Also there are plenty of free Apps that don't show in the phone bill that are commonly used by cheaters: Whatsapp, snapchat, lime, IG etc.

posts: 2408   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8577522
Topic is Sleeping.
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