Topic is Sleeping.
ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 11:29 AM on Monday, August 24th, 2020
I'm super glad you already made that appointment with an attorney. I think if it was me, I'd go ahead and file. I'd also ask my attorney to file a motion for exclusive use of the home even if I had to say I was afraid to sleep at night with him in the house. You've known him for eight years, but you've only got four invested in the marriage. And I don't know about you, but life's too damned short to be playing games.
Cheaters don't respect us. They take risks with our lives, with our health, and with our security, denying us real agency for their own convenience. But even if you're unsure if things can be resolved and maybe R can happen, I think when you're dealing with an active cheater, it's important to get their respect and keep it. Sometimes BS's are so worried about losing love that they won't demand respect, almost as if their were a choice between the two. But love without respect isn't really love.
If you don't feel like you're quite ready to file though, you will at least be able to get some insight into what you're looking at, as well as find out if post-nups are viable in your location.
I'm really mad at that guy on your behalf right now.
Anniecake1 (original poster new member #75224) posted at 11:50 AM on Monday, August 24th, 2020
I am definitely asking to file for divorce. I just went through all of our texts to each other. On August 5 I sent him a text and asked him if he got a new phone? I completely forgot all about that. I had received an email from Life360 noting that he had logged onto a different device and asking him to make sure to remove it from his old phone. It was a non-thing for me at the time because I wasn’t suspecting anything. It seems like he tried to download it on that phone so he could leave it at his dads while he went off and had his affair. I would still be able to text and call him but it would look like he was somewhere else. The level of deceipt has just blown me away. This is not the man I married. This one’s a dangerous lunatic.
I do have family but it is going to crush my parents. They really love him. We were just there for dinner tonight. It is honestly going to crush everyone. My grown boys, I’m afraid they are going to have such a distorted view of marriage. We just spent last weekend with my brother and his family and we all get along so well. I am probably never going to see his brothers kids again. And our two dogs that we treat like our children, what will happen with them? They are too strong for me to walk by myself but I don’t want to be without them. They are so attached to both of us. We work from home so they are so used to having us around all the time. The level of loss he has dealt me against my will is overwhelming. I’m so thankful I found this site because I would’ve probably gone insane by now without it.
[This message edited by Anniecake1 at 7:35 AM, August 26th (Wednesday)]
ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 12:18 PM on Monday, August 24th, 2020
Ultimately you family will root for you. You can’t keep this bottled up. We root for you here at SI, but you also need real persons to support you.
All he (your STBXWH) had to do was to be a husband to you. Instead, he CHOSE to gaslight you, take advantage of you while having a second relationship. When asking about a burner phone, he just went pouting in his truck. You don’t need a man-child like this in your life.
[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 6:19 AM, August 24th (Monday)]
I plan on living forever. So far so good
clouds777 ( member #72442) posted at 12:36 PM on Monday, August 24th, 2020
I'm so sorry. Tell everyone what he's doing. Do not try to shoulder this yourself.
Continue to file for divorce. If something changes, the process can be stopped but right now you MUST protect yourself.
Do not believe a single word that he says. He is clearly constantly lying. I'm so sorry he isn't the man you thought he was. Follow your lawyers advice and continue with the 180. You need to protect yourself and your heart and he needs a giant dose of reality that you will not put up with this behavior for even one second. You are the better person here and you do not deserve this. One day at a time. Be kind to yourself.
siracha ( member #75132) posted at 3:06 PM on Monday, August 24th, 2020
Dodged a massive bullet ! He could have strung you along for years , luckily you were too strong and he was too stupid for that
I know you are still in shock and pain but this really is the best possible outcome
Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 3:34 PM on Monday, August 24th, 2020
I decided to pack all his clothes etc. I was almost done when he came home. He said he had no burner phone but was acting that way because he was planning to go see her. What a piece of shit. Now that he’s completely exposed he showed zero remorse and was cold as ice while he watched me shake and tremble trying to talk. He said he wasn’t leaving because this was his home and he just wanted to sleep now. That man standing in front of me tonight was a complete stranger.
Well he's still in a very ACTIVE A and has clearly shown you with his actions that doesn't want to stop it, so forget about the post-nup and go straight for D and have him served, go ahead and EXPOSE him with everyone without warning, as for the dogs, see if there are any dog walkers in your area.
Stinger ( member #74090) posted at 4:19 PM on Monday, August 24th, 2020
Frankly, he does sound like a dangerous lunatic. Be careful. This guy sounds like a sociopath.
The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 5:38 PM on Monday, August 24th, 2020
The fact that they (the cheaters) can stand there and watch you cry and fall apart in front of them is the part that makes me shake my head.
I don’t know how the cheater can be so cold and uncaring. To people they claim to “love”.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.
CometGirl ( member #56179) posted at 6:01 PM on Monday, August 24th, 2020
So...the acquaintance he sent the NC text to is definitely complicit to the affair and assisting him. I sure hope you cut the “friend” out of your life.
Wanttobebetter ( member #72484) posted at 6:03 PM on Monday, August 24th, 2020
I am sorry you are in this situation. Given how he reacted, there isn't much left to do or a marriage to save but to take care of yourself, mentally, physically and financially.
phmh ( member #34146) posted at 1:34 AM on Tuesday, August 25th, 2020
Agree with those who have advised taking extra precaution for your safety. He sounds unhinged, and when a woman leaves her abuser (cheating is abuse), it is the most dangerous time for her. He risks losing much in terms of material goods. Ask your lawyer what steps you can legally take to ensure your safety. Domestic violence including domestic violence murders are way, way up right now (extra stress due to covid), and you don't want to become a statistic. I don't want to sound alarmist, but his recent behavior paired with what he's got to lose makes me worry for you.
Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!
Married: 11 years, no kids
Character is destiny
Anniecake1 (original poster new member #75224) posted at 3:58 AM on Tuesday, August 25th, 2020
I told my parents today and my youngest son. They all feel like he cheated on them as well. Basically, he took a hatchet to all of us. One thing that stood out to me today was that he was so calm and kept wanting to "talk". About what? We're done. While I stood there sobbing, he was eating a piece of lemon cake that mom gave him the night before. Lemon cake! He just shit on my entire family and now he's just eating the cake they gave him. No emotion on his face whatsoever. How can someone show you so much emotion and love one week and the following week he's in love with someone else which means he can't show any compassion for you. I've yet to see a single tear out of him.
I did find a gun that we had, no clip. I took it over to my parents just to be safe. I've never seen such a quick transformation in someone. No emotion and nothing in his eyes. What the heck is that? Talking to my mom, basically he will be left with noting other than this AP. Most of our friends will be on my side quite firmly. I could only count 2 that will remain with him. No job. Certainly no vacation home or toys. He's so off keel right now that he thought it would be a good idea to keep the waverunners and "share" them. He was surprised to find out that I didn't intend to have meals with him when we are at the house together. He couldn't understand why I would no longer have a relationship with our niece and nephews and his other family members. He said he wants me to be involved and see them. Who is this out of touch with reality?
Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 4:21 AM on Tuesday, August 25th, 2020
You really dodged a bullet here, implement the hard 180 and only talk to him about the D and separation agreement, preferably by text and/or email. I know it's hard but cheaters seem to live in an alternate universe, so he now wants you the "share" the waverunners with him and his AP?, what's next threesomes with the AP?.
Consider yourself "lucky" that she showed you his true colors this early, some states like California would make you pay him LIFETIME spousal support once you hit the 10 year mark being married to him, RUN and don't look back, good riddance !!!
[This message edited by Buster123 at 10:23 PM, August 24th (Monday)]
ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 6:23 AM on Tuesday, August 25th, 2020
We are actually selling our house in 2 weeks. We had an accepted offer on another home but I promptly cancelled the contract once I heard this news. We have a vacation place that we will move to until we can figure this out. I just knew that a big purchase wasn't a wise choice at this time.
Have you considered telling him that you don't want him moving with you? Chances are that you can't stop him if it's a joint property, but it's always possible that he might be intimidated enough to stay away if you make it crystal clear he's unwelcome. Tell him to go move in with his girlfriend. If he's conflict avoidant, maybe he'll go... and that would make things A LOT easier for you.
Did your attorney meeting go well?
Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 1:52 PM on Tuesday, August 25th, 2020
I am reading “The Sociopath Next Door” and they are not all murderers. They just use and discard people like “things”. They lie easily.
Look at his behaviors. He lies all the time, he sneaks around and he continues to cheat. That is not the behavior of a decent person.
I am sorry you married a bad man but you did.
Look after yourself. Drink lots of water, get Plenty of sleep. If you need medication to help you for the next few weeks don’t be ashamed to ask.
I wonder what lifestyle he and schmoopie would have. He would probably sneak around on her. Leopards don’t change their spots.
To thine own self be true. Shakespeare
Anniecake1 (original poster new member #75224) posted at 2:16 PM on Tuesday, August 25th, 2020
The confusing part for me in all of this is that the previous 7 1/2 years have been great. No lying that I can detect, no bad behaviors, very supportive and affectionate. Did we spend TOO MUCH time together? I know that wouldn't be an excuse but I'm just really grappling with making sense how a person can do such a 180 degree change in personality, etc in the blink of an eye. I could accept this better I think if we'd had problems in the past or he had unaccounted for time and other issues. It is like he snapped. Combined that with the look in his eyes when we talk (almost manic, glazed, etc) and his inability to grasp what the reality of this means. He still really believes that I'll be involved in his family's life, watching his nephews and niece grow, still sharing things. Just hours ago, as I walked by him, he tried to put his arm around my waist like he normally would do. I just pulled away and kept walking. It's like Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Couple that with the fact that I've given him forceful permission to go move in with her, yet here he is in my house. I'm trying to force myself to act normal. I'm proud that I've showered, put on makeup and dressed. Heading out to an appointment and going to pretend I'm okay. Please pray for me that when I'm trying to be professional, I don't have a break and start bawling my eyes out in front of my clients. lol.
On a side note, the meeting with the attorney as okay but frustrating. She said probably the best thing to do would be to try to come to an agreement together. She said he is entitled to half of everything accumulated during the marriage. I have to go through everything and figure out the value on my wedding date vs the value today. I've told him to get value of all our toys that will have to be sold and split. This is going to take a VERY, VERY long time. My living situation is going to be really weird. Living in our lake place, just the two of us and our dogs, away from family doesn't sound healthy. I don't want to "abandon" it however. Why would he want to live there with me? That's 1 1/2 hours away from his newfound true love.
Any insight into any of this craziness is welcomed! Thank you all for your wonderful support.
[This message edited by Anniecake1 at 8:17 AM, August 25th (Tuesday)]
Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 3:54 PM on Tuesday, August 25th, 2020
The money he gets from the split is not going to last. The new, BIG romance is going to run head on into reality that life takes money. Does she have some? If not don’t be surprised that he comes sniffing around. These cheaters are pieces of work.
Go get a new life.
To thine own self be true. Shakespeare
Stinger ( member #74090) posted at 8:25 PM on Tuesday, August 25th, 2020
You are new to the subject of sociopaths and Cluster B personality disorders.
How could he act normal for over 7 years? Easy, he has had a lifetime of practice. Now, his mask has been ripped off. This is danger time for you. I would caution against living in a remote lake home with him at this point. Don't want to see this story on Dateline or 20/20.
The eyes, yes the eyes. Like stone cold dead fish eyes. Eating lemon cake while watching you suffer.
This man is far from normal. He targeted you. They find nice, trusting, kind people and use them.
The vast majority of affairs go undiscovered forever. You stumbled across this one. What are the chances that a person like this man was faithful for 7 long years?
Be so careful now.
siracha ( member #75132) posted at 9:16 PM on Tuesday, August 25th, 2020
A kind trusting loving person no matter how intelligent can easily fall for a con artist . Tricksters are a dime a dozen , you just had the bad luck to meet one who also had some attributes that appealed to you
Anniecake1 (original poster new member #75224) posted at 9:50 PM on Tuesday, August 25th, 2020
Thank you for all of your responses. As seems to be typical, I'm finding, today brings completely new situations. He went to his friends (a mutual friend but his first) last night while I had dinner with my parents. I came home and did some household chores and then took a shower and went to bed. I got up, made myself some coffee (he was the one who usually always brought it to me), got dressed and just left for work without saying anything. Then he texted and called me that he wanted to talk. Today, for the first day I saw a glimpse of the person I know. Today was the first time he showed any emotion. I know that it is probably temporary and tomorrow could bring a whole new situation, however. It was somewhat comforting to not see the glassy,fixed eyes and see him experiencing some pain. It also gave me some of my power back instead of feeling completely like a powerless victim, which is a horrible way to feel. It's about time that I'm not the only one suffering. I was proud of myself for staying cool as a cucumber. He is now back to "I don't want to lose you" and "I don't know what the hell I was thinking/doing". I just told him that I gave him numerous chances to say that this week and he instead chose to lie. I fully intend to take advantage of the IC appts I have coming up. I told him that's what he needs to do too.
Topic is Sleeping.