SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After my wife's A, along with counseling I became an avid reader of psychology literature as a way of understanding how something so shocking could have happened.

Today I read an article in PsychCentral about how adults whose primary caregivers when they were children gave them inadequate love and physical affection causes an excessive need for emotional validation while adults who received these things were more capable of self validation.

That feelings of "not being enough" deep inside set these adults up to try to get this validation where they can and that the behaviors they will engage in to get this appear erratic, selfish or stupid to those who are more able to self validate.

When sexual needs are mixed into seeking validation, the potential for affairs is obvious. Many of our wandering spouses may be poster children for their need for validation and their susceptibility. Mine told me after DD1 that her A had nothing to do with me and laterbthat the early contacts with her affair partner consisted of his love bombing her with "you're so pretty", "you're so skinny", "you're so smart" etc etc....and I discovered she had liberally returned the vakidation in a similar way to him. At another time she told me that I could not have met the needs she was feeling--note she was in the midst of a MLC.

Ironic that our partner's giving all that validation to another creates in the BS the identical overwhelming need for validation and they, as the one who did the wounding, may not be able to meet OUR needs.

My thought is that BSs who themselves may carry needs of excessive validation from others, that is, incapable if adequate sekf validation may be the ones most crushed when dealing with their partner's infidelity and that those capable of more self validation may heal faster once they regain equilibrium..

Childhood experiences are very powerful predictors of adult issues, I've learned.

This explains so much. My wife experienced childhood sexual abuse and neglect ss well.

Understanding all this has been a big part of my own dealing with it all.

This is really interesting, and something I will have to talk to my WH about. I don't think he lacked love and physical affection growing up, but his need for validation is through the roof (well, it was through the roof, it's better now). I definitely lacked the love and physical affection, not just with my parents but across my entire family, and this did affect me greatly in my teens and twenties. Once I hit my 30s and divorced my first husband, things did change a lot, and I stopped with the erratic, selfish and stupid behavior you speak of.

I do find myself now since DDAY going through periods of needing that validation, but they are short lived. If I am being honest, I guess I went through that before DDAY as well, but never sought out what I needed because I felt like my WH was incapable of giving it to me. So I just dealt without it.

Here's a variation on the theme: My W didn't take in the external validation that she got as an adult, and she didn't take in the love. In may case, I couldn't take in the external validation I got, either, but I read enough Transactional Analysis when young to know that external validation doesn't work.

We might be married to the same woman...LOL. My WW has that same need for external validation. I saw it on her constant Facebook posts. The posts were mainly innocuous, but looking back, it was like throwing chum in the water to garner a response, or a thumb-up, or a "you go girl" from her female friends, or "you're so hot emojis" from random dudes.

She was constantly complaining about a lack of attention from me. And while this might have been a valid complaint pre-DDay, it's just laughable now. Sorry, I won't ever apologize for working "too hard." I won't ever apologize for taking care of my family. She lived a very sheltered life, which I created for her, so that she wouldn't have to see the daily grind or harsh realities of life. Sure, she did the brunt of the child-rearing stuff, but I looked at it more as a division of labor thing than "me man, you woman" type duties.

But the simple reality is that I will never be able to give her enough validation. She is the product of divorce (a nasty one at that). Her father basically abandoned her and has been very hurtful throughout her life. Really mean stuff. So the need for validation makes some sense, However...

Plenty of people have bad childhoods. My childhood was no picnic. Although my parents never divorced, they were very neglectful, and basically abused me psychologically with crazy expectations about grades, sports, doing well, etc. I never felt unconditional love from my parents, but instead felt like a Labrador retriever in always trying to meet their insane expectations. But that didn't make me fall in love with someone else and have sex.

My STBX thinks external validation is LOVE. He was abused and neglected by his mother so this makes sense. Unfortunately I was the collateral damage in his thinking and behavior. I also did not have the best upbringing. I had a cold father who was highly critical of me growing up and I was sexually abused by my half-brother. During my teenage years I did seek out validation from men and had relationships with men that either were non-committal or abusive. I now realize through therapy that I keep choosing these types of people because it felt familiar to me and on a subconscious level I was trying to change the outcome.

Today I work on self-love and validating myself so that I do not need validation from anyone else to feel loved.

I never felt unconditional love from my parents, but instead felt like a Labrador retriever in always trying to meet their insane expectations. But that didn't make me fall in love with someone else and have sex.

It might happen in a reverse situation too. My childhood looked very much like yours, but my SO had been a pampered child, used to parents placing her on a pedestal. So, my best efforts always seemed insufficient (though, admittedly, I could have done a better job of it, but the daily grind of work and the nitty-gritty of everyday life had taken their toll on my ability to validate her) and she created an alternative narrative to our relationship, with me being a cold, emotionless cyborg. The end result was that she found a young stud who apparently provided her with the much needed validation and she scapered off with him so fast I couldn't see her backside for the dust.

I have made this a strong point of research post DDay.

WH was the 5th of 5 unplanned and neglected children - moved from one squatting house to another from state to state to state never settling one place for more than a few months.

Self proclaimed held it together in life until 40s then yadda yadda yadda...

Long serious talk - I am your wife, partner, equal, best friend, support network, cheerleader and safety net. I am not your mother, counselor, teacher, or escape.

WH was the 5th of 5 unplanned and neglected children - moved from one squatting house to another from state to state to state never settling one place for more than a few months.

I have a few friends from pretty messed up families and while they have made all sorts of mistakes in their lives, they are all loyal and faithful to a fault. With first-hand experience of betrayal, abandonment and neglect they made a vow to themselves never to inflict that sort of damage on any human being.

I'm not a big fan of a certain Unmentionable Lady, but if she's ever done any good, it would be her claim that you can seek to explain cheating. Condoning it and forgiving, on the other hand, is a very different can of worms.

Abandonment issues poor role models entitlement lack of impulse control feelings of contempt validation needs abuse addiction infantilization personality disorders psych disorders economic anxiety religious guilt etc the list of hurdles goes on .

Interestingly loads of people with the above issues still arent cheaters

The problem isnt with validation seeking per se the problem is that cheaters want a one sided fantastical relationship where they get alot more than they ever have to put in. And when the other person disappoints them ( the only logical outcome) they feel that gives them the right to act out

The issue with infidelity isnt always just the cheaters flaws , sometimes the cheated upon may have the above issues too and they may be paralyzed into accepting a terrible relationship instead of moving on

[This message edited by siracha at 1:10 PM, August 15th (Saturday)]

Seneca, I think you are exactly right. My WH has learned that he needs to learn to accept and love himself and stop seeking external validation. Now, I learned that lesson a long time ago. It is something that caused an issue in our marriage, because it wouldn’t occur to me that he needed praise for things like making a good dinner. If I make dinner, I know whether it is good or not and while it’s nice to get compliments it doesn’t impact my opinion on it. I am actually uncomfortable receiving compliments so that is something I have been working on. Even compliments on my appearance - if I feel like I look good I don’t need anyone to tell me, and if I don’t feel like I look good and my husband compliments me it doesn’t change how I feel. I also feel like I am on the shorter range of healing time after the affair so this may have something to do with it. Maybe it was a defense mechanism of sorts that I learned to stop trying to please others and in whatever I do, just worry about meeting my own standards.