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If, how, and when do you ask about infidelity?

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Justsomeguy posted 8/13/2020 13:44 PM

Darkness Falls, I appreciate your honesty. I agree about starting the relationship off on a lie. I am steadfast in this. If I find out later that I was lied to, I walk. Been there, done that, wasn't fun the first time.

JanaGreen posted 8/13/2020 13:56 PM

My partner cheated on his first wife with his second. He told me about it on our first date.

I don't worry at all about him cheating now. I mean, I know he might, anybody might, but I understand the circumstances at play back then and they don't apply now. Their relationship was desperately unhealthy (this isn't revisionist history; he got full custody of their sons) and he wanted to change and she didn't. It was an exit affair. He was married to his second wife and faithful for 15 years. Infidelity was not a favor in their divorce.

My ex and I married when he was 29. He had never cheated on anyone before and we were married 6 years before he cheated on me. He then continued to cheat and has also cheated on his fiancee.

Some people grow and apparently some people devolve.

MakingMyFuture posted 8/23/2020 07:36 AM

I absolutely do not put anything in my dating profile about “not dating a cheater” because then a person who has cheated is more likely to lie to me upfront about it.

I use OKC which has a million questions. I don’t answer any of the ones related to fidelity on purpose because then we can both see each other’s answer. Instead I pay for premium where even on questions I haven’t answered I can see their answer. If they have answered a fidelity question indicating they’ve cheated in the past I block them right upfront.

Many haven’t answered those questions. On a first date when were “telling our story” of divorce or how we ended up in the dating pool, one of the things I’m listening for is either an open “I cheated” or lots of word salad dancing around it. If there is word salad I may gently ask. I intentionally do so in a way that makes it clear I’m curious but not tied to the answer when the reality is, the answer matters to me very much.

If by the end of the date I feel they did cheat I thank them and let them know what a pleasure it was getting to know them but that unfortunately I don’t think we would be a good match. If pressed I never tell them it is because of the infidelity but just stick with, “I don’t know but although you seem like a nice person, I really just wasn’t feeling like you are the right person for me”

Why? Because I care about the other non cheaters out there and if they know I passed for this reason they are more likely to lie or hide it from the next woman!

I don’t need to give an explanation. Someone is either a fit for me or they’re not and I can be respectful and kind to someone even if they are not a good fit for me. If they were a cheater then they are not a good fit for me, but that doesn’t mean someone who is basically barely more than a stranger is entitled to know my reasons.

Is it possible by avoiding cheaters that I’ll still end up getting cheated on? Sure. But I also know that if that happens I can not only survive but pick myself up and have an amazing life. But I’m not going to go into a relationship with someone who has already failed on this major character, loyalty, integrity, and entitlement category.

I don’t care how much “work” they’ve done, most haven’t but even the ones that have...I would never be able to feel the same level of trust, security or respect for them that they may deserve. So it’s not healthy for me to date them and not fair to them either.

[This message edited by MakingMyFuture at 7:44 AM, August 23rd (Sunday)]

Justsomeguy posted 8/23/2020 14:33 PM

Thank you MakingMyFuture. I really value you perspective. By the way, what is OKC?

NeverTwice posted 8/23/2020 15:39 PM

By the way, what is OKC?

OK Cupid

Justsomeguy posted 8/23/2020 16:42 PM

Man, there is so much I don't kniw...

totallydumb posted 8/26/2020 09:59 AM

I recently dated a Lady for 3 months. The infidelity questions did come up and were discussed. She answered "never" has she even considered cheating.

One of her friends let it slip that there could be some sort of infidelity in her past.

I confronted her about it, and got a long drawn out explanation that did not really connect all the dots in a logical manner. Needless to say I quickly ended this relationship, telling her that I could not accept this new information.

She didn't even blink an eye, just nodded her head and went about her way.

I definitely made the right decision.

NeverTwice posted 8/26/2020 12:07 PM

totallydumb,

First your username - I so not find you so dumb at all!

But I am like you. I simply will not get involved with someone who has cheated on a partner. They may have completely reformed their lives but I am not will to risk it.

I am not going to open my heart and be vulnerable with someone who could stomp all over it. And I would never be quite comfortable with someone who was capable of that kind of betrayal. I think you made a wise choice.

Cheatee posted 8/26/2020 17:09 PM

I asked early on and made it clear I had no tolerance for cheaters.

Justsomeguy posted 8/26/2020 18:51 PM

Totallydumb: you are totally badass! I think that should be your name.

babypuke posted 8/30/2020 21:16 PM

One trick I applied when dating was to ask, after they had a few drinks, "So tell me one bad girl thing that you once did", I asked in such a way that an answer that would make them look more "bad" would score them points with me, but actually I was flushing them out.

One date told me she cheated on her boyfriend of seven years while out of the country and never told him, another told me she likes to steal things, and so on. Of course, I immediately thought about the thief, "I will never invite you to my house!" haha. Dates find the question intrigueing thus good for on a date, but it was my question to determine whether I needed to run.

Once I also asked a date what she thought would be best to do after a drunk one night stand cheat, to tell or not to tell (the person she would be in a relationship with). Her answer was to not tell about such a one time thing because telling can do more harm than good. Okay and goodbye to you, was my answer to her.

Asking such and other questions in a playful way are best for the first date(s), and important for protecting yourself, I think. Good luck!

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