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How soon is to soon

Blindsided2425 posted 8/3/2020 13:54 PM

I was sitting with friends on a patio wallowing in pity, when a woman I have known for a about 7 years but not really well walked by going to the gym training for a fight. When she saw me she came up and was genuinely happy to see me, itís been about a year since I ran into her. Wonít post specifics but through work I helped her out when she was starting over with a young son. I donít even remember doing anything for her, just part of my job.
She asked how things were and I gave her the coles notes version of what was happening .
She told me she thought I was a kind man with a good heart and we should go for drinks. I politely declined, but she gave me her number and said sheís not looking to rush into anything it would just be drinks.
Sheís much younger than me and extremely attractive, has a good career and is independent and on her own.
A few friends said Iíd be crazy not to accept her offer, I just donít know if Iím ready for even drinks. Iím detaching and want to be healthy before I jump back into dating or anything.

EllieKMAS posted 8/3/2020 13:57 PM

I just donít know if Iím ready for even drinks.
If you're not ready, then don't is my advice. If you're hesitant for whatever reason, you're probably better off avoiding the dating scene completely until you DO feel ready. You don't want to go for drinks' and then wind up falling into a relationship when you're not prepared for that - it isn't fair to either one of you.

Blindsided2425 posted 8/3/2020 14:04 PM

Thatís what Iím thinking, but you get the advice from friends that you miss every shot you donít take.
I told this woman that when Iím in the right headspace she will be my first call. She smiled hugged me and said I hope so.

JanaGreen posted 8/3/2020 14:06 PM

How recently separated are you?

EllieKMAS posted 8/3/2020 14:10 PM

I kind of take a philosophical approach - when the timing is right, things will just work out. If the timing feels off, then it probably is. Don't stress about missing any shots - the universe will make sure you take the ones you're supposed to.

Look at this one as a validation of yourself and to know that you won't be alone forever once you do decide to get back out there.

Blindsided2425 posted 8/3/2020 14:17 PM

Separated since June. Itís to soon unless the universe conspires lol

JanaGreen posted 8/3/2020 14:59 PM

My impulsive side is saying YEAH! Go for it!

But the side of me that didn't even go on a date for a year and a half after ex moved out and counts that as a wise choice is saying . . . hold up for a bit.

Blindsided2425 posted 8/3/2020 16:03 PM

It would be nice for my WS to see me moving on, and it would drive her nuts this woman is a lot different than her, more attractive, but thatís just shallow.

AnnieOakley posted 8/3/2020 16:10 PM

Based on your post in JFO and how recent everything is with your stbxw and that NC is not in place...do not bring a new person into this dynamic/drama filled current shit show that you are trying to extract yourself from.

Continue to focus on you and when things have settled down in SEVERAL++ months, call her.

Speaking from a completely healthy and healed perspective, and ready for an emotionally stable relationship....I would run from this situation immediately!!

Blindsided2425 posted 8/3/2020 16:16 PM

I agree 100%, Iím not in the right head space to do anything, and this seems like a nice person. Iíll give myself time to heal then when I feel fight Iíll consider dating again.
Wish I could compartmentalize better but until then is just healing and trust the process

JanaGreen posted 8/3/2020 16:45 PM

If she's a nice person, the last thing you want to do is use her to make your WW jealous. That's unfair to the new lady.

Blindsided2425 posted 8/3/2020 16:51 PM

Yes that would be a real shitty thing to do, rest assured I wonít.

HalfTime2017 posted 8/4/2020 14:46 PM

Keep the number and talk to her on the side, just casual. Maybe she'll be around when you are ready in 6 months.

unspecified posted 8/5/2020 19:58 PM

No right or wrong answer. Youíll know when itís time. Sounds like you know itís not time.

What would you talk about during drinks? At 1 month, I donít think I had much going on, other than separating. Pairs poorly with drinks. :)

I made some connections dipping my toes in online dating about 9 months after separating. Never went on a date because I ultimately told each of them I wasnít ready. Nearly a year later, reached out to one and went on a date.

I would take it as a positive sign that things wonít be scarce for you when youíre ready. Also, it sounds like you handled the situation with respect and authenticity. Good for you.

WhoTheBleep posted 8/5/2020 20:37 PM

What would you talk about during drinks? At 1 month, I donít think I had much going on, other than separating. Pairs poorly with drinks. :)

Spot on. Like JanaGreen, I didn't date for 18 months after splitting. Above quote, from unspecified, was a big reason why. WTF would I talk about? My marriage? My separation? I was consumed with all of that. I took time, traveled a bit, explored hobbies...by the time I was ready to date, I had a ton of new adventures to talk about that had nothing to do with my ex. The men responded very positively.

Listen to your gut. There is no rush. Just live your life. For you right now.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 8:38 PM, August 5th (Wednesday)]

The1stWife posted 8/7/2020 09:36 AM

You will know when you are ready.

My sister in law passed away 7 years ago. My brother was devastated. Many women approached him but he declined. Years later he finally got the courage to meet a woman for coffee or something.

During conversation she mentions to my brother ďthey should just get marriedĒ b/c heís a catch. Date over!!!! He didnít date again for a few more years. Lol

You will know when you are ready. Donít rush it.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:36 AM, August 7th (Friday)]

Cromer posted 8/7/2020 19:52 PM

I was divorced in Oct 2017 and now remarried. I wasn't looking for it, it just happened by chance. I'm so happy now. I say go for it and let things happen. My wife is the best thing to have happened to me in a very long time.

Anna123 posted 8/7/2020 20:42 PM

I agree with you, way to soon. There are plenty of women that are great 'on paper'. (attractive, good career, independent etc.). Just to solidify your thoughts -

#1 - You aren't divorced. You will be a married man dating. As time washes on, the time-line gets muddled and soon the story will be they both dated/cheated while married. If the divorce drags on for a long time and you do decide to date, it should not be anyone else's knowledge. Believe me, the story is they were both cheating if you are still married.

#2 - Your instinct was to back off. Good instinct.

#3 - From my experience, anyone I know that jumps in quickly after goes through a horrible break up in the months or couple of years that follows, Has to pick up healing where they left off, or end up in a locked in relationship they aren't truly happy with still processing the original betrayal.

#4 - You are not a stable person for the moment. Your entry is focused on processing this, and building the best you that can be built.

#5 - If she is a lot younger and approaching you so strongly, it maybe doesn't sit right but that's just my take.

I would definitely enjoy the fact you are attractive! Keep that in mind as you stbxw does her number on you. No harm being friendly with this woman in a group setting.

Take care.

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