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Oh the memories

JanaGreen posted 7/31/2020 10:29 AM

I have too many different apps backing up photos. I get memories from Facebook, from Google, from Amazon. Usually it's a delightful picture of one of my babies and it makes my day. Yesterday it was a screenshot from 4 years ago of the last woman I caught my ex messaging. She's a fitness model who competes in bikini contests. I had picked up his phone to see the time on the lock screen and saw a message pop up on Facebook. The name was androgynous so I opened it praying it was a male. Nope. Worst nightmare type woman for a perpetually exhausted still nursing mom of a baby with too much pregnancy fluff still firmly attached, looking and feeling ragged all the time - fitness model with full face makeup/conture, long professionally highlighted hair cascading in perfect waves, fake tiddies standing tall, proudly displayed in a gym selfie that showed her perfect abs and slim toned body.

Her message was clearly responding to his but the previous messages had been deleted. He claimed that he was asking her workout advice. I guess Google and all his gym bros were unavailable. I don't blame her - he shot his shot with all kinds of women, it wasn't like she encouraged it most likely. But it was the last time. Four years ago. I always hated going to that gym after we separated because I wondered if all his gym friends knew who I was (it wasnt like he was proud enough of me to ever introduce me to them - I was home taking care of the kids while he was working out or socializing with them) or in looking at the women there, how many of them he had hit on or if he had succeeded with any of them. Eventually I let my membership lapse. I'd rather run in my neighborhood and count the squirrels anyway.

Would that bother you guys or would you shrug it off?

It bothered me.

DevastatedDee posted 7/31/2020 10:37 AM

It's a trigger for sure. I'd like to think nothing like that would bother me anymore, but that's not the case. Earlier this year I saw on the news that a woman had been killed in a hit and run and I clicked on the story and saw the face of one of the prostitutes my XWH had more frequently used. That young pretty face caused a physical reaction that felt like doom and sickness. I couldn't feel anything about her being dead one way or another. All I could feel was the echo of how it felt to first see a picture of her.

I guess it's just a PTSD thing.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 10:38 AM, July 31st (Friday)]

crazyblindsided posted 7/31/2020 10:54 AM

I would be bothered by this definitely. We wouldn't have to feel this way if our exes had been better people. It's not fair. My STBX always had A's with women who were in their 20's. There is no way I can compete with that. I have all my memories turned off so I don't trigger. I trigger just looking at family photos let alone an AP.

99problems posted 7/31/2020 11:04 AM

I had to make Google photos stop giving me those notifications.
"Remember this day in 2015?" I wish I didn't.
Every day of the last 13 years has been a lie. I was an actor in a play but I was the only one who didn't know it. No, I would not like to be reminded of it daily, thank you very much.

JanaGreen posted 7/31/2020 11:13 AM

My son didn't sleep though the night til he was 2. When he was a baby, I would get up in the morning, nurse him. Get DD up and get her ready for school. Wake ex up after I had DD ready and he'd take her to school, 5 min drive, usually come back and get back in bed. I'd get my son ready for daycare and drop him off. Work all day, taking three breaks to pump breast milk. Ex worked from home, ran his own business, controlled his own schedule (ie, he could go to the gym any time he wished). I would leave work and go pick up both kids. Usually he would be pulling out of the driveway to go to the gym right as I was pulling in with the kids.

I would feed them, bathe them, get them ready for bed. Put DD to bed. Nurse and rock the baby, get him to sleep. That was usually about the time ex strolled in from the gym all full of happy endorphins. All day he'd eat and snack and pile dishes up on the kitchen island. I would then ask him if he could do the dishes so I could have clean bottles for daycare in the morning. "Just leave it, I'll get it in the morning." No, I had to have clean bottles in the morning. "Well I'll get it later." I couldn't trust him to do that so I'd just start tackling the mess myself while he watched TV. By the time I got done with that, my son usually hit his first (of 3 or 4) wakeups for the night. So I then went from the kitchen to put the baby back to bed. Try to get a shower in between wakeups and maybe 3-4 hours sleep. While ex continued to relax on the couch and eventually roll to bed whenever he felt like it.

This was the period of time in which he let me know that I was failing by not looking like a fitness model. Not sure when I would have squeezed in a workout.

I am still BURNING with resentment at the way he let me and DD and DS down. Years later and I hate him for it. Worse than the cheating. I was a burned out crisp of a human and certainly no mother to my poor daughter as my son was such a demanding baby. Meanwhile he never skipped leg day and had the time of his life with his friends.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 11:18 AM, July 31st (Friday)]

thisisterrible posted 7/31/2020 11:15 AM

I just wanted to respond by saying that my XH started cheating when I was 8 weeks postpartum. He'd leave me - smelling like spoiled milk, exhausted, no makeup, wearing sweatpants - to go see her - smelling perfect, hair and makeup perfectly done, lots of energy from getting a full night's sleep. For the longest time I just kept thinking that if I would have just been able to make myself look a little better during that time he would have chose me. I know now that it wouldn't have mattered how I looked - I was taking care of a newborn, for goodness sake - but it really does mess with your mind when you get cheated on right after having a baby.

JanaGreen posted 7/31/2020 11:21 AM

He made out with some girl in a bar when I was still on maternity leave. I had just gotten DS to sleep and he woke me up and told me what he did. Also waking up DS in the process. Then he passed out leaving me trying not to scream in rage while trying to nurse my newborn back to sleep. Then the next day he told me that what he did was wrong, but my stretch marks weren't sexy.

I don't know how to ever stop being mad about it. What he did and the fact that i tolerated it.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 11:22 AM, July 31st (Friday)]

JanaGreen posted 7/31/2020 11:22 AM

Im sorry thisisterrible. It's a special kind of evil to do that to a vulnerable new mom.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 7/31/2020 12:26 PM

Just to try to make you feel better about the whole looks thing (and to jump on my trigger bandwagon and say not all new moms are quite so vulnerable)...

Looks don't matter. My WH started his A with someone more akin to looking like the people several of you described yourselves at the time your WS were having affairs (not trying to insult how you looked - just know most people don't feel their most attractive after giving birth). My WH decided to hook up with the wife of one of his best friends, who herself was about 3 months out from having given birth to their first child. One of the lovely things I had the pleasure of finding out was that he decided to buy her a set of kegel balls as a gift, after she repeatedly asked him if their first time sex was okay, looking for affirmation about how spectacular it all was. She indicated she wasn't feeling to attractive down there as maybe it was "too loose" for my WH and while he assured her it was the fuck of his life, he bought her the thoughtful gift of kegel balls so she could work out that vaginal area down there and (I'm sure) they could play with them together.

She is normally average weight, but at the time of their A, she was still very very heavy from having the baby, but that didn't stop him. Apparently helping her feel better about her body, and complimenting her non-stop about how fantastic she was, and her telling him how magical it was that she found someone who appreciated her post-partum (although she admitted later in a sting of emails that the OBS was nothing but supportive of her and that was all a lie) was all part of their mutual lie-fuck-love-fest.

Basically, there is nothing stopping them - that woman (your WS) was messaging could have looked like anyone so long as she gave him the ego kibbles most likely - the looks were just an added part of the thrill for him. For awhile my triggers were anyone pregnant or with a new baby. I couldn't stand looking at them and found myself secretly disliking new mothers, which of course is insane. Go figure.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 2:29 PM, July 31st (Friday)]

JanaGreen posted 7/31/2020 12:59 PM

Thisissolonely. Shit. Im sorry.

How the hell does a new mom find time to carry on a whole-ass affair? My mind is boggled. Wtf???

God, im sorry. Waywards just fucking suck.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 7/31/2020 14:27 PM

No worries JanaGreen. I never had to deal with the physical comparisons of me v. her at the time (although I am older) instead in a way it made me feel lower...his friend (and co-worker - he worked with both the AP and her OBS), she had just had a baby, etc...but still he chose her over me?!?!

But now I realize that it really has little to do with them and even less to do with you.

I don't trigger anymore in a bad way - it's more comical to me than anything at this point. I still think about it, but it's doesn't make me feel bad about me - it just reinforces the WTF were they thinking mindset I've had for ages.

As for the who has time with a new baby?!?! They didn't see each other much out of work - lots and lots of sexting, and screwing at my house right before or right after work (A started when I was temporarily working out of state). When I returned it was sexting while at work as there was no where quick and convenient for them to physically meet up (can't leave the job site at all during work hours and the place has really high security so full blown sex/clothes removal would have been easily caught and would have them fired and really screwed re: future employment) - oftentimes while the OBS was sitting in the same room with them they would be sexting and doing a bunch of other f-ed up stuff. Pathologically fucked up.

So no worries about offending/triggering me. Just know that it really had nothing to do with you and little to do with them (the AP).

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 2:32 PM, July 31st (Friday)]

WhoTheBleep posted 7/31/2020 21:50 PM

I'm so sorry, Jana. I never knew this about your story. How awful. I too was cheated on throughout 3 pregnancies and the aftermaths. Well hell, my whole marriage ya know. sTBX never criticized my body until I left him. Then he became exceptionally cruel in that way (on top of all the others!!). His words affect me to this day. Today actually!! I don't know if it is the same for men, but body image things for women are particularly hard.

(((JanaGreen))). I know this pain. I'm sorry. You aren't alone.

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