SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So...

So yeah. I guess the title says it all. It was really, really hard for me to leave my girl's house tonight, but I know that if I didn't, she would have likely said something that starts with "L" and rhymes with "Glove."

I am not against falling in love, but I know that I am a heart-before-my-head kind of guy. Every single time I spend the night with her, it gets harder and harder to leave, and I have five daughters that I love more than anything in the universe that wait for me to come home. I can't be like their mother and dip out because I have a new partner. I just can't.

And I know that I'm in the 'new relationship' fog. I know that right now, my brain and my hormones and my libido and my pain and my loneliness are all telling me that I found the woman I should have married the first time, the woman that would have made me happy, that would have been faithful, that is better in every single way than my hateful, spiteful, lying, cheating, vicious ex.

She is attentive, compassionate, a generous lover, she makes me respond to her in ways that my ex never bothered to try for, and she responds to me as if I were the sexiest, most kind and caring man on earth, and when she looks into my eyes, I see nothing but heartfelt adoration. She is wholly and completely twitterpated.

And... I'm not far off. I'm seeing it coming and it scares me a little bit. What if I'm wrong? What if my mind is clouded? What if I'm so desperate for the holes in my heart to be filled that I am placing that burden on her? What if this 'honeymoon' phase is just that, a honeymoon phase?

She was leaning closer and closer to the "L" word. Before she said it, I told her that it would be a long time before I was ready to say it, and I would not say it lightly.

I'm confused and I don't know what to do. Above all, I desperately do not want to hurt her, and if this phase passes and I don't feel the same for her as she feels for me, then... who am I to string her along like that?

I told her that I do not want to spend our time together looking towards the future, to some far-off goal of being able to say "I love you" or getting married or living together. I wanted our time together to be in the present, in the now, with just us as we are together. I don't want it driven by some grandiose inevitability.

I'm just... really confused here.

and I have five daughters that I love more than anything in the universe that wait for me to come home. I can't be like their mother and dip out because I have a new partner. I just can't.

I really don't have any good advice for you, but this part of your post stood out to me. You have your priorities straight and it is so refreshing to see that your children come first.

Maybe, this should be your guiding principle? At least until your lucky daughters have all emancipated?

How long have you been dating?

About a month and a half. Since June 4th.

I've been down this road. About a year and a half after my initial separation and maybe five months into a new relationship. Same thing. Suddenly it was difficult to say goodbye to her, etc. She was everything my exWW wasn't, I felt awesome with her, the sex was great, etc. Could feel the love bubbling up inside both of us.

I will say this: do not be afraid of the feeling or the word. The feeling is real, and the word is just a word (though of course it has so much meaning and I don't meant to suggest it should be taken lightly). Don't be so afraid of one that you deny the other. In my humble opinion. It's ok to be authentic. As BSes, we know that of course. Talk to her.

That said, I get the heaviness of it all. Sounds to me like you're both being communicative. Continue that.

This:

I have five daughters that I love more than anything in the universe that wait for me to come home. I can't be like their mother and dip out because I have a new partner. I just can't.

...is paramount and always must be. She has to understand that as much as you do. Never compromise anything with your daughters for a lover.

I will say that objectively speaking 1.5 months of dating is not a lot. Of course you're aware of that, but just wanted to reinforce that.

My situation turned into a 2+-year relationship with many issues that ultimately ended in boundary issues/infidelity. I'll never know the full extent of it, but I have some pretty good ideas. Not a great feeling for me.

Looking back, I can see that right from the get-go I fell into a pattern of letting things go or overlooking red flags because of how infatuated and in love I felt. It was hard and is still hard for me to accept that I did that again even after what I had just been through in my marriage.

So I'd caution you. Clarify your boundaries for yourself. Be explicit about them. Really spend time understanding what's ok with you and what isn't, and when you need to make the hard choice to walk away *even if* she seems great and you can easily explain away issues you may be having. Things are so fresh for you.

Question, because I couldn't find it in a quick search of your recent posts: does she have kids? Does she want kids? What's the story there?

Please, please be careful. A month and a half into dating, you can't even know the other person. What are her values, does she live according to them? Do they align with yours? What are her priorities? Do they align with yours? How does she react to mistakes/feedback/fights? How does she regulate her emotions?

You're deep into the infatuation phase and it might make you ignore or rationalize any red flags you might encounter. Don't commit too soon, spending all your time with her. The more invested you get so early in the dating, the more inclined you are to ignore any things you might not like.

How long ago since you've separated with your WS? What have you done to heal? Are you dating because you're ready or because you're lonely and horny?

[This message edited by Hedwig at 11:24 AM, July 21st (Tuesday)]

Ooh, Incarnate. This is the biggest reason that I'm not dating yet. I'm not ready for feelings. Sex, yes, but feelings? All this angst? It's a lot. It's also kind of how it goes when dating. This is pretty normal whether you're 16 or 56. It's a trick of the genes to get us to reproduce, all these feelings. You feel strongly for her right now and that's the normal infatuation stage. You've been starved for love and affection and that's probably influencing how strong these feelings are so early on. Just keep in mind that these extremely powerful feelings function as blinders as well. Everything the object of your infatuation does is wonderful. You read so much into their words and eyes. What you aren't going to be is super rational right now, so step carefully. You cannot truly see her for who she is right now and she can't see you either. You're wise to keep your priorities straight as a father. It's so easy to get swept up into a new romance.

Feel the feelings and enjoy the rush. Just remember what this stage is and keep your mind as straight as you can.

I'm right there with you. I have been officially divorced since early this year. I have 3 kids that I am trying my best to focus on, but have been spending time with a seemingly awesome woman for the past 3.5 months. We have been spending a good amount of time together and talking a lot, but I am very hesitant to make anything official. My kids come first and I have made clear (and she has been supportive) of the fact that I don't intend to introduce anyone to them until I have been dating more than 6 months and feel that we have a committed relationship.

Not really sure that I have any advice to give, but can tell you that I've decided to just enjoy the ride. I am going to be a lot more protective over my kids feelings than my own. I could have come out of my marriage bitter and mean. I didn't. And I'm not going to pass up on the potential of a great relationship with a wonderful woman just because I have stumbled into it a little earlier than I would have liked.

That's just my 2 cents. . . . but I'm learning as I go. . . .

And I know that I'm in the 'new relationship' fog. I know that right now, my brain and my hormones and my libido and my pain and my loneliness are all telling me that I found the woman I should have married the first time, the woman that would have made me happy, that would have been faithful, that is better in every single way than my hateful, spiteful, lying, cheating, vicious ex.

Yes you are foggy. Just because things are wonderful and great (and don't get me wrong - that's awesome) doesn't mean that this is your 'forever' love. You're weeks into this - how long did it take for things to start going wtf with the ex? I don't want to take away from you being happy and enjoying being in a relationship with someone who enjoys you - but try as hard as you can to keep your feet on the ground here.

By all means - enjoy her company and spending time with her! That can't help but do you good to have a nice lady friend like her, but keep your eyes on the prize - getting your D done, getting your girls raised, and above all - taking care of yourself.

Just side musing - I really hope I am not broken now cus the thought of the love and twitterpation and all for me right now holds literally NO appeal. Ugh.

Just side musing - I really hope I am not broken now cus the thought of the love and twitterpation and all for me right now holds literally NO appeal. Ugh.

Just thinking about it makes me feel tired, ha ha ha. I think I have a low threshhold for drama and I need lots of peace and such to recharge before risking any kind of more drama.

You have the right to be happy and enjoy a more stable relationship. So I would say do not deny yourself and as suggested, just be authentic. Be honest and let her know your concerns about your daughters. May I ask how old are the youngest and the oldest, only if you are comfortable sharing. But as also suggested, be very careful. So enjoy what you have on one side but do not rush into life changing decisions. She and your daughters might hit it off in the future, you’ll never know.

@Okokok

Question, because I couldn't find it in a quick search of your recent posts: does she have kids? Does she want kids? What's the story there?

She has two children, an eight year old boy who is on the Autism spectrum (I have two girls on the spectrum), and a five year old daughter. Normally, I'd leave her place before they woke up, to avoid any awkwardness with the kids and keep things simpler, but a few days ago (on the 18th I think it was), we were laying in bed, and suddenly, I hear a little girls voice next to me.

"MOM. I'M HUNGRY."

So I did the only thing I could think of.

"Hi, Hungry. I'm Incarnate."

The little girl deadpanned and looked me in the eye, then said, "That's funny. I like you." And that's how I stayed for breakfast. Her son was absolutely stoked that I had a PS4 and immediately booted it up to play Minecraft while we all ate.

@Hedwig

How long ago since you've separated with your WS? What have you done to heal? Are you dating because you're ready or because you're lonely and horny?

I have been separated since August 14th, 2019, so right about three weeks shy of a year. I was going to IC until Covid-19 shut that down, and I am here, reading and responding, and I have been researching and working with my own past trauma. Frankly, I really don't know how I would tell if I am dating because I am lonely and horny or if I'm ready. Distinguishing between 'honeymoon' emotions and real, solid, lasting stuff is not my forte.

Hey Incarnate - so first, you feel how you feel and that's never a *wrong.* Now, making huge life changing decisions based only on feelings. Well, we know around here how that usually goes.

But here's what I learned on the other side of infidelity and having all sorts of new relationships, including an SO. That *love* thing gets to be defined by the two of you together. You get to imagine and discuss and make healthy choices for yourselves (and for those dependent on you like your girls). As you go along.

For pretty much my whole adulthood, saying *love* had all sorts of shit attached to it. Things that somehow all magically fell into place just because those words were uttered. It meant monogamy and forever and signing papers of various sorts and attaching myself completely and making all decisions based on me having said those words to someone. It was an all or nothing, all in kind of thing. All in my own head of course. I just figured my definition of *love* was everyone else's.

You and this woman get to be the deciders. It takes a bit of courage (especially in those initial stages when you don't want to be a big downer and kill your high). But you can fully love someone and say "here's how I see my life unfolding and what I would like from our companionship." Here's what important to me. What about to you? And if they are on the same page or you can write it together, then how fun is that? Of course, like we say around here, you have to let go of the outcome. I knew when I told SO early on that I never saw myself doing x, y, and z that he might have run for this hills. I had to be cool with that, otherwise, well you know, resentment. But, I also didn't make things so rigid that he felt like we couldn't revisit things or that he wasn't going to get the good shit.

Is any of this making sense - I'm full on ramble mode these days when I get to typing.

Final sidebar - I remember well what you're feeling and it's fun as all get out. But like Dee said:

You've been starved for love and affection

That's why I took things with SO at a serious snail's pace. I wanted to make sure I could fully trust myself.

"Hi, Hungry. I'm Incarnate."

Won her over with the quintessential Dad Joke. Classic. 10/10

I have a thing about kids getting to know the person Mom or Dad is dating. They get attached to adults on a serious emotional level. A short relationship is a lifetime for them. And it is a tricky game down the road if things don't work out. Just my two cents. Not a judgey thing, just a protect the children thing. I've seen friends kids devastated when dating parents move on. It makes everything so much more difficult for everyone. And the odds are, just because they are odds, that you will date more than this one person. I'm not sure how good it is for her kids to see Mom go through dating, attaching to, and potentially reattaching later to new partners. It's hard not to want to introduce them, I know and have had to fight the urge off, but it is so worth it later if it doesn't work out.

It's probably still infatuation but worth enjoying if you both are on the same page, just away from the kids IMHO. If six months - a year down the road all is growing, then maybe? That is usually when things start to settle more into real if there is enough time spent together. Just a thought. I hope it's the long term real deal, that would be wonderful.

So the first time her kids met you was in bed with their mum. Were you wearing clothes?

@Anna123

I generally tend to agree. My goal was to keep my presence discreet, but. Well, situations happened.

@FaithFool

At that point, yes, I was clothed. And so was her mother.

agreed with Anna123. I did not introduce my kids to my GF until 1 yr. I put in place that boundary for that specific reason as I did not want my kids to meet people I was just casually dating to protect them.

Since you've met her kids, that out of the question, but maybe for your own children, I'd wait it out to make sure this lady is going to be a longer term GF before the intro. It can be confusing and devastating for the kids.