Thank you to everyone who replied. I have read all the replies, and have some comments or questions below. I don’t know how to do the fancy copy paste......
This will probably offend some of you, but I think if you ask ANYONE who is overweight, including myself, “Honestly, would you be more physically attractive if you were skinnier?”, I bet that the majority of people would answer “Yes”. Or to ask it another way “Would losing some weight increase your physical attractiveness?” I know I would answer “Yes”, and I told my wife that I would. But she says that I am shallow. I have never thought of myself as shallow, because I also highly value other things besides looks.
“As HO pointed out you answered the question but missed the point and the empathy.”
What point did I miss? Was I not empathetic when I told her that she was very attractive to me, and that my attraction toward her is based on a whole lot more than just looks?
“Attraction involves way more than looks or how a person carries themselves. It is the smile she gives me when I come in the door, the kiss as she leaves for work, the way she brushes her hair before bed, the way she knows how to touch me, etc.”
EXACTLY!!! And I told her that. But she continued to focus on only the looks portion.
“The short answer you gave at the beginning that skinny women are more attractive to you left the rest of your responses null and void as they were seen as backpedalling by your BW.”
Backpedalling how??? Back toward what?
“I simply would have started by apologizing for it even being a question, knowing that I put it in her mind.”
I did not know that I put that question in her mind. I was not aware of the trigger until much later in the argument.
“I agree with her that it’s troubling that you haven’t grown a deeper appreciation of her in all ways.”
I call BS on this. I fully and deeply appreciate my wife in many many ways, and I have told her so, describing all the things I admire about her.
“And you need to be able to articulate how your past affair behavior has stunted you and your relationship.”
I have been open and honest about how wrong my past behavior was, and all of the terrible consequences of that behavior, consequences impacting her and our relationship and myself.
“With the facts you had at the time (being unaware of her pain from the FB suggestion), you answered honestly.”
EXACTLY. I had no idea about what caused her to ask the question. I just thought it was a curiosity question, looking for an honest answer.
“Maybe ask her what would help? Would she like to know more about the positive things you see in her? Maybe ask if she's lacking reassurance on an emotional level too?”
Good ideas, thank you. But right now she seems to be 100% focused on me seeing her perspective, that my weight has zero influence on my attractiveness to her, and that I should feel the same way about her.
“One day you ask her ‘Do you find larger penises more pleasurable?’ and she answers honestly ‘Yes’. She follows it up with ‘But I like yours the best’.”
That’s basically what I did. She even asked if she and my affair partners were in a lineup, who would be the most attractive? I told her that she would be, and she called bullshit.
“You can say that she's the most attractive, but given how women are judged on our weight, she'll probably never believe you.”
I fear this may be true.
“That was rude. End of story. Try to have some empathy. You should not have said she was less attractive now, after cheating.”
What was rude? For me to say that I think skinny is more physically attractive than overweight? I don’t see how that is rude. Would it have been empathetic to lie and say ‘No, skinny is not more physically attractive than overweight’??? With all of the emphasis on WS being open and honest, that was not an option.