"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

dave4211 posted 6/30/2020 13:39 PM

So i just found out my wife is having an affair.

we have been together for 10 years and have 3 very young children 6-2-1 never in a million years did i think she could do this, and it really is out of character. ( or so i thought)

i suspected something was going on for months but she claims it was only a couple of weeks.

The birth of our last child was a very traumatic experience for my wife, which i never knew affected her so much.

My wife has stopped the affair and has taken responsibilty for it, however she is using PTSD as a factor, not necessarily an excuse but its coming up more and more that PTSD was a big part of it and in her words " didnt know what she was doing and its all foggy and she wasnt thinking"

So my question is:

does anyone have any experience with PTSD and can it really be that controlling to make you do this, or am i being really naive and this was nothing to do with PTSD.

Ive tried to keep my story brief, ive read some stories on here and they make mine seem very minor, butbit really has devastated my entire life .

If anyone reads this and responds .. Thanks

Westway posted 6/30/2020 13:48 PM

I'm no psychologist but that sounds like a bunch 'o bull.

thatbpguy posted 6/30/2020 13:50 PM

She was betraying you because she wanted to- pure and simple.

If you're going to accept her fairytale, you might as well give her a permanent hall pass to see any guy she wants to at any time. She's looking for a cheap way out. I suggest you hold her 110% accountable.

EllieKMAS posted 6/30/2020 13:55 PM

So i just found out my wife is having an affair.

I am so sorry you had to find SI. The first few days/weeks/months from discovery are just brutal. Take care of yourself - eat, drink, and sleep. Avoid alcohol. And most of all - breathe.

we have been together for 10 years and have 3 very young children 6-2-1 never in a million years did i think she could do this, and it really is out of character. ( or so i thought)

No BS (betrayed spouse) wants to believe that cheating was possible by the WS (wayward spouse). But hear me when I say - this IS her character.

i suspected something was going on for months but she claims it was only a couple of weeks.

Almost ALL Ws's will only admit to what they think you know. Almost all of them are lying. "It was only a couple weeks", "we only kissed", "we only had sex once". Honestly, if your radar has been going off for months, it most likely has been longer than a 'couple weeks'.

The birth of our last child was a very traumatic experience for my wife, which i never knew affected her so much.

My wife has stopped the affair and has taken responsibilty for it, however she is using PTSD as a factor, not necessarily an excuse but its coming up more and more that PTSD was a big part of it and in her words " didnt know what she was doing and its all foggy and she wasnt thinking"

Frankly, if she is blaming an affair on PTSD, then she really is not taking responsibility for it. And further, there have been plenty of moments in my life that I have had the dumb (worried/stressed etc), but never, not ONCE, did that ever cause me to fall onto someone's genitals. She WAS thinking. She knew exactly what she was doing. These were deliberate choices she made consciously.

So my question is:

does anyone have any experience with PTSD and can it really be that controlling to make you do this, or am i being really naive and this was nothing to do with PTSD.

PTSD is a complicated beast. It can cause neurological changes, lack of impulse control, emotional outbursts, etc. But if she was having PTSD symptoms severe enough to cause her to blank out enough to have an affair, those symptoms would have been affecting way more of her life than just that IMHO. Not saying she doesn't have PTSD, but I would recommend her seeking professional help from a mental health pro or neurologist. Or both.

Ive tried to keep my story brief, ive read some stories on here and they make mine seem very minor, butbit really has devastated my entire life .

If anyone reads this and responds .. Thanks

There are no 'minor' stories when it comes to infidelity. Yours is just your own. Please don't ever feel like you don't have a right to feel what you need to - healing from this is really hard and hopefully it will help you to read through other's stories and journeys and know that you aren't alone and it isn't all in your head. Post as often as you need to - though it is recommended to keep to one thread if you can so everyone's responses are in one spot.

Hang in there - you will get through this!

This0is0Fine posted 6/30/2020 14:13 PM

My WW engage in her affair, in part, as an inappropriate coping strategy related to the death of her mother. She felt I wasn't responding enough to her ongoing grief/trauma. She didn't want to force me to do more, or drag me into it, so she brought it up with a coworker. They bonded over it and it lead to her affair.

I fully believe the stress related to her birth, that she somehow felt wrong to involve you in, or felt you weren't responding to was used in her justification. This is NOT an appropriate response though.

There simply isn't an excuse for cheating even if we understand the contributing factors. It's not your fault at all. She could have talked to you more. She could have talked to a therapist. She could have talked to friends or family. Instead, she had an affair.

She has completely betrayed your trust. It doesn't matter if you read about people here that have dealt with super long term affairs, serial cheaters, etc. The reality is that the trust is broken as soon as the cheating takes place and as soon as the first lie is told. From a fundamental standpoint, your trust has been as shattered as everyone else here.

It's a long hard road to either re-establish trust or to move on and out of infidelity. You'll eventually get there.

Keep posting for any advice or questions.

I haven't seen "the list" posted yet, but typically this is what you need.

1) A complete, preferably written, timeline of her affair. How they met. Dates they went on. What they did.

2) Complete transparency. Access to location, electronics, emails, phone, etc.

3) No contact with her affair partner (AP). She should send a no contact letter that you watch her send. As long as there is contact, the affair is ongoing.

4) Get therapy for you and her (individual counseling), marriage counseling must wait until the affair is really over. The top recommended books are "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, and "How to Help You Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald.

Good luck.

Anna123 posted 6/30/2020 14:32 PM

A big percentage of good honest women go through intense emotional adjustments after certain child births. It manifests in a multitude of ways, NONE of which include going out and screwing other people.

You've gotten some great input here but I just had to add my two cents. And your comment on yours being 'less' than others issues here I beg to differ. This is just awful for you with such young children! I am so sorry this has happened to you. I hope you have someone close to lean on in addition to the help here.

Take care.

beenthereinco posted 6/30/2020 14:33 PM

Hi Dave,
Has your WW been to a counselor that diagnosed her with PTSD or is this a self-diagnosis?

Tigersrule77 posted 6/30/2020 14:35 PM

I am in no position to comment on her PTSD. However, if she was experiencing it, and it was causing her issues, she could have talked to you about it before choosing to cheat. If she was experiencing stress due to money issues and did the same thing, would it be OK? I would think not.

Is your WW in counseling for her issues now?

You don't say where you stand in the M. I am making the assumption that you immediately jumped into R? Have you taken any time at all to consider what you wanted?

The1stWife posted 6/30/2020 16:03 PM

That is not a very original excuse. She could at least be a bit more creative lol.

waitedwaytoolong posted 6/30/2020 16:49 PM

There simply isn't an excuse for cheating even if we understand the contributing factors. It's not your fault at all. She could have talked to you more. She could have talked to a therapist. She could have talked to friends or family. Instead, she had an affair.

This is so true. My wifes why was she felt lost after my last daughter left for school and she felt lost and left behind. Others come up with the BS worked too much, or that something else was missing. They might be their reasons, but it is never a good reason, or one that could possibly be justified.

Maybe she was suffering some kind of PTSD. We don’t know enough to figure out if it was really true.

She needs to look at why she thought it was ok to destroy you and the marriage. The WHY is never an excuse. Even though she said it isn’t an excuse, it feels like she is using it as such

[This message edited by waitedwaytoolong at 4:51 PM, June 30th (Tuesday)]

WilliamM posted 6/30/2020 17:18 PM

Are they sure that is PTSD and not post partum? I work with people with PTSD and I can see that diagnosis causing someone to have an affair. She is using it as an crutch on why she did something that was out of character. People with mental illness still must take full responsibility for their actions, and she is not. And remember, that most WS will lie and minimize. She says a couple of weeks? I am sure it is longer. Did you check her text messages and email accounts? If you did, and she did not delete them, that would give you an idea. What caused you to suspect something was going on? Are you sure it is over and not gone underground? What is she doing to show and prove that she is no longer having an affair?

dave4211 posted 6/30/2020 17:48 PM

Thanks for the advice and help .

So mid October I had a thought my wife was having an affair, but then pushed it out of my mind, 8th Decemeber i looked at her phone and saw a message saying "can you talk", I instantly knew,

i told my wife i wanted to take the pictures off her phone and create an album of our children.

That's when i installed an app on her phone that was a spy app, I now had access to everything on her phone except whatsapp phone calls.

their were a few messages sent over the next week nothing that gave me facts just slightly romantic/flirty texts.

after a week of looking every 5 seconds of every day i still had no evidence but deep down i felt i knew.

We sat down and we chatted and i offered her the chance to tell me everything and to be honest about if anything had gone on, she dismissed any wrong doing. I asked that she has no contact with him from now on, she said he is a coworker and that would be hard and they are just friends.

I told her if she contacts him at all she is putting him before our family.

I left for work she immediatly text him " we need to talk Xxxxx has found out"
a whatsapp conversation then happened which i do not know what was said .

another very long week passed, no contact at all.
I sat by her and told her i needed to know what had gone on and that i had evidence of her affair, but i didnt know everything.
(foolish i know)

she told me that they had kissed and it had been going on for approx 2 weeks but she didnt know.

devastated.. is all i can say, i was utterly broken, The betrayel is heart breaking..

I took her phone (with permission) and contacted the guy i told him he needed to describe everything that had happened, he reluctantky did, it matched her story fairly accurately. so i knew i had some truth.

I immediately told her about the app on her phone and agreed to take it off,

I then contacted him a few times as he also has a wife and child, mainly to play mind games with him. his partner then found out because of something i did, i told his wife eveything i knew and what had gone on .

The Marriage.. the kids ..
I havent really thought about what i want, because we have 3 very small children who need a dad and a mum .

If we didnt have children, its an easy decision
to leave, but i love my children with everything, and being here for them is my main priority.
a
Im not saying i dont love my wife, but i feel i need to try for our children if nothing else.

Although she hasnt hand written a letter, she did text him and say that she is workingbon her marriage and him and her are no more.

They still work in the same place but not together, she tells me she is looking to be posted somewhere else but that takes time.

She has been diagnosed medically with PTSD from the traumatic child birth of our 3rd child, however only after the affair did she seek help and recognise the symptoms .

My problem is, i can take an acorn and see an Oak tree, every tiny detail that doesnt sit right with me or doesn't seem plausible i spend days going over and over it, until i cant remember what ive done the last few days ...

I tried counselling, however im not what you would call an open book, we both tried and didnt really help. my wife is seeking help for PTSD, however im still on the fence about this.

The lies the deciept ... the betrayal ..how do i accept this and move on when accepting it is allowing this betrayal, surely by forgiving her im accepting this behavioir and asking to be mowed down.

Thanks..

paboy posted 6/30/2020 18:24 PM

The just kissed thing holds no water. Adults do not just kiss.. they just don't ..

And it is hard to reconcile with only half of the truth. Unfortunately, you should have left her phone bugged, until at least you found out the depth of the betrayal.

Place a VRC in her car to gain information that way, or alternatively, seek a polygraph test.

Information is power. You'll know what your dealing with and then can decide what your response will be.

DoinBettr posted 6/30/2020 19:45 PM

Ok. So a little bit about PTSD from my 3 friends, exBIL and brother who all have/had PTSD. They got it from Iraq, and it was really bad for all of them.
Your body goes into a permanent sense of fear and heightened awareness. This makes people jumpy and irrational because they have a hard time control their bodies chemical levels that were raised excessively over a lengthened period of time.
Typically this is why PTSD victims love drinking and pot because it brings down their heightened senses. FYI - All the people above had to be treated for alcohol abuse as well.
Being in the sense of heightened awareness (Some say it is shock) the part of your brain that controls calm rational thought is reduced because all of the adrenaline that was coursing through you for so long kind of atrophies those functions.
So she could have reduced rational thoughts. The thing is, that is the same as if she was getting drunk or depressed. Her outlet was to go sleep with another man and lie to the man she just fathered a child with. You should force her to have a paternity test for all 3 children to really sink in how badly she broke the trust. Also, just schedule a call with a lie detector location and give her the 3 questions you most want answered. Tell her you read about this and it is a deal breaker. Also tell her she has to get a STD test. These are to show her you don't trust her. Currently you want her back but not because of her changes. Be careful. this is the dreaded "Pick Me Dance." Read about it.
Good luck and know that in half a year or so when you get past the fear of her leaving, you will resent her and how you handled this. Wait until then to get counseling because too early and you are just flailing about giving the counselor emotions they can only do so much with.

gmc94 posted 6/30/2020 19:51 PM

I have PTSD too. I even tried to have an RA. Couldn't do it.

I call bullshit.

She will have to do the work herself to figure out that whether she has PTSD or not, it's still not an excuse. Any more than any other mental or physical health issue.

If you want to learn about PTSD, I recommend the book "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bassel Van der Kolk. It's like the bible of PTSD.

If you want to learn about relational betrayal trauma, listen to Marnie Breecker's 2-part interview with Duane Osterlind on "The Addicted Mind" podcast. You can also listen to the Breecker/Osterlind podcast "Helping Couples Heal".

Read Ellie's post - she's spot on. And I agree with DoinBetter's suggestion of STD & paternity testing. Turns out that cheaters lie. A LOT.

I'd ask for a written timeline asap. Follow up with a polygraph. IF there are any Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSAT) in your area, you may want to contact one and see if they have recommendations for a polygraph person they use.

It's an awful horrible hurtful fact that most WS will lie their arses off on/after dday. They will only reveal what they think they have to, and will do all kinds of mental gymnastics to justify it (usually convincing themselves they are protecting their BS from the ugly details when the reality is they are protecting themselves from facing those details).

PTSD or not, she's a proven liar. I would be hard pressed to believe that she and her AP did not get their stories straight about what to tell you, so that when you reached out to her AP he confirmed what she said. Cheaters are sneaky, ya know.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 8:02 PM, June 30th, 2020 (Tuesday)]

Buffer posted 6/30/2020 20:16 PM

So sorry you are her. PTSD and cheating? I don’t think so.
Only kissing? I again don’t think so.
Hopefully you have sought out legal advice for your location. Regardless of your priorities you need to understand your rights and responsibilities for your location. If there was kissing, you need to be checked for STIs as they can be transferred in saliva or some by touch, there was no safe kissing or safe touching.
By what you have said I believe there is a lot more to the A than she has said. She is TT you, making her deliberate decisions and actions so to minimise her actions.
Keep researching this, as they are still coworkers they are communicating. The A is still ongoing until she obtains other employment and goes full NC. She does need IC for her choices, not just the PTSD.
Exercise, eat well drink water. Keep your distance, go 180 and continue to look into this. There is more.
One day at a time.
Buffer

Gemini83 posted 6/30/2020 20:24 PM

My WHs cheating was because of his PTSD. He was very self destructive. We have been living apart for four years now, two at the time of the A. In that time he had isolated himself and convinced itself he was bad person and it was best if he was alone, he equated himself to cancer. He was certain he was going to take everyone around him down with him. His was an exit A in the truest sense. His plan, and he had it all planned out, was to have an A and to hurt me enough so I had no choice but to D him. Once a D was final and he knew Daughter and I were ok he was planning on killing himself. He made changes to his will, and he started a trust fund for our Daughter that I just recently found out about. He is in therapy now and should hopefully be home in a few months.

Xzy89c posted 6/30/2020 23:46 PM

Unless the PTSD is causing her to dissociate then no. If it was then it would affect her entire life. It is a bs excuse that a competent counselor will not let her get away with. Is she in therapy? Has she been diagnosed with PTSD? Not buying this especially since she is lying about duration of affair

GoldenR posted 7/1/2020 01:10 AM

She's a very typical WS: minimizing, lieing and justifying.

The PTSD excuse is a bunch of baloney.

The kissing... come on, man! You know better! They had sex. A lot.

MickeyBill2016 posted 7/1/2020 02:21 AM

Oh man, I'm sorry.
You say a few months, she says 2 weeks.
Trust your gut, friend. You caught on a few months ago so it was probably going on a few months before you figured things were off.
When they admit to kissing there is always more to the story. Have you been tested for STI and I really, really don't want to say it DNA your latest kid? The affair could be much longer than the 2 weeks she admits to.
If your youngest is one and you discovered the A in October, she started the affair 5 or 6 months after the baby was born?

This will be a rough time for you. Find out the truth and help your wife, and your little kids,what a shit storm she created when she chose to have an affair.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 2:22 AM, July 1st (Wednesday)]