SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband cheated/is cheating on my with his coworker. He has absolutely no remorse and has completely blamed his affair on me.

I've been with him for 11.5 years, we were high school sweethearts. I thought he was the love of my life and felt lucky to have found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with in high school.

We are in the process of separating.

Since he's the only real relationship I've ever had, I find it hard to convince myself that I will be happy with someone else. I have so many more bad days than good days.

I would love to hear some uplifting stories of finding love again.

I know I'm not at all ready to date yet, but the thought of the future and ever finding someone else still weighs on me, and I would like to lighten the stress a little.

First let me say that I am sorry that you find yourself at this point, but I think there are several of us that can give you some positive stories. I divorced after 20 years together. We had everything in common, including our profession that is not terribly common. We were doing well financially, and our kids were doing great in school. I was terrified when the infidelity came to light and was followed by divorce. I thought I could never trust or feel safe. And because my XH had cheated on me with so many women my self esteem was crushed and I thought I could never feel worthy of love or attraction. But I spent a few years dating and getting my head on strait and getting my financial house in order, and then I had the first date that changed my life. I married my new H within a year and now I see what a marriage is supposed to be. Love, support, benefit of the doubt always, kindness, gentleness. Almost no conflict and we have had enormous stressors that would tear apart many couples. I am so glad I found the courage to take the leap and grow my wings on the way down. I now know what a healthy loving marriage looks like.

When I was a newbie - I would often read in NB just so I could see there WAS light at the end of the tunnel (even if I couldn't see it in my own situation). I found it inspirational.

I find it hard to convince myself that I will be happy with someone else.

An important step is learning to be happy without anyone at all. Don't hinge yourself to the notion that your NB has to involve another person to be happy. There are many folks that are not with another person (many due to their own choice not to versus not finding one) and are just thrilled. If you can do this - you will be just fine with or without someone new.

but the thought of the future and ever finding someone else still weighs on me, and I would like to lighten the stress a little.

If and when you are ready to start a new relationship, YES - there are many folks on here that have wonderful new partners. Hand raised. I don't really have an interest in remarrying again but I am content in a permanent, committed relationship.

It is whatever works for you. But make sure you take the time to find peace and healing within yourself first or you will find yourself broken in a broken relationship with another broken person trying to fill a void. (been there too)

You deserve more. But do not let the fear of your future stop it. Find things that make you happy now. Maybe it is a new hobby, maybe it is a volunteer position rocking babies in the hospital, maybe it is redoing a room in your house without having to consider what anyone else likes (or doesn't like). Anything that will bring a little joy to your day.

Hang in there coffeen - it is a rollercoaster road but it is so worth it to be out of a situation where your partner has totally disrespected your M.

I think the secret to finding "love" again is loving yourself first. This involves healing yourself and becoming a person who is content with their life. It's not easy, but it's very necessary, I feel, to moving ahead.

In my case, I reconnected with a long-dormant hobby (choral music) and auditioned and was accepted into a professional performing choral group. I now serve on their board of directors and manage their marketing and grant-writing. This has brought me into a wonderful circle of friends for which I am very grateful.

I have also branched out into dog training/dog sports. I have put three obedience titles on my dog and am looking forward to the resumption of hunt training, as I wish to put a hunt title or two on him as well. Again, this has introduced me into a whole circle of people with like interests.

I wasn't really looking for a relationship, as I was interested in relocating back to the Midwest when I found my current SO of 10 years (YIKES). We do all sorts of things together (we don't live together--mutual decision for both of us), and the lockdown has been a challenge (I'm immunocompromised and he's still going to work), but he is one of the kindest and most honest people I have ever known. We entered the dog sports thing at about the same time a few years ago and have a friendly competition to see who can train and show the best (so far, I'm ahead).

My SO re-connected me with target shooting and sporting clays. This was something I did with my late father growing up. So far, he's ahead on this one, but I'm determined to catch up. However well (or poorly) I shoot, we have fun with it.

Love yourself first. Heal from this trauma and become comfortable in your new situation. I think that makes for a better and more attractive person once you look to date.

Cat

I agree with Catwoman. Find something you love to do and go out and do it for you. Eventually you'll meet new friends and when you're ready, possibly meet a new SO.

After Dday in 2015, I decided to go out to a local open mic we used to go to and had stopped going because STBXWH decided he didn't like it anymore. I knew a few regulars and got in touch so I could sit with people I knew. I love live music. My Dad was a musician. I had no intention of meeting anyone. To be honest, I didn't talk to anyone I didn't know for months. I kept going during my false R (over 2 years) and I made a lot of new friends both male and female. It was very good for me - gave me much needed confidence (STBXWH used to put me down constantly).

Fast forward to 2018, I was separated in May. A man I had met at one of the open mic nights (a musician) asked me out for a drink in June. We had spoken one evening months before when out to see a young musician we both knew but aside from that, had never had a conversation. He heard I was separated and let me know that he had been intrigued by me from the first time he saw me in 2016 but I was married. We've been inseparable ever since. We don't live together - just weekends.

Although I'll never be thankful for the A, I am thankful that my unhealthy marriage is over. My SO never puts me down, he lifts me up. We have a very healthy, communicative relationship. I never had that with my STBXWH.

I wish the same for you. You deserve better.

Hi coffee—. Please read the fear vs reality thread posted at the top of separation/divorce forum. There are absolutely good days ahead -

And sorry you are in this situation. (((hugs)))

I really love and value my boyfriend. He treats me with such care and respect, it really is a nice change from what I dealt with in my marriage. I appreciate him and I'm glad that we are together.

However. I was single and celibate for two years after my ex moved out. 2 years! I knew I was way too much of a mess to inflict myself on anyone so I didn't even try to date. And it was a great decision. I had so much fun, I did whatever I wanted, I answered only to myself. I mean, as much as all that is possible while parenting two small children LOL. And now that I have experienced being a single adult and happy, I know that I would not be able to tolerate someone who was controlling or manipulative, because I know how happy I can be by myself. Like I said, I really love my boyfriend, but if he left tomorrow I would be okay. I would be sad, but I would be okay. I think that's where you need to get before you worry about finding someone else.

I'm really sorry that your partner betrayed you. I will tell you that I was married for 15 years and was terrified to be alone. Now I'm sitting in my cozy little house that I'm so proud of because I bought it myself. I plant the flowers I like in the flower beds. I hang the pictures I like on the walls. I have dance parties with my daughter in the kitchen. I read my son stories in his bedroom. Nobody puts me down or belittles me in my house. There are no bad memories, I don't remember this fight in that room or the lie that was told to me when I was standing by this window, here in this house. It's peace.

JanaGreen, that is so great. When I read people who stay in unhappy relationships because they figure that the next person will be as bad, I want to hug them and say "you're leaving out a better option". Bad or mediocre relationships don't hold a candle to how awesome it is to be single. I think there's this picture of how sad and lonely it's going to be, but it's hard to imagine the peace and joy that comes from it after some healing.

I may not be single forever, but I don't care whether or not I am. I'm absolutely thrilled to be with me. I love that this house is mine. I love that I pick the colors to paint on the walls and the pictures to hang. I choose the trees I plant and the landscaping I create. I love that I could rescue a couple more dogs in the past couple of years without having to consult with another person about it. I love this freedom. I didn't feel that I wasn't free in my last marriage. Up until infidelity and drug use, I was pretty happy. But even in a happy marriage, you have to compromise and agree on things. When it's just you, hey, it's just you.

Of course I miss things like binge-watching a show with a partner and going places with a partner. That stuff is pretty fantastic. I miss sex with a partner too, and that's probably the thing I miss the most. I'm sure I'll date again. Maybe I'll even be in a relationship again. I'm not convinced that I'll remarry again, though. I like the idea of keeping my own home and space. I have started over twice after divorce. I'm not interested in trying that for a third time. This stretch of my life is about me taking care of me. It's not a depressing thing to me. It doesn't look bleak in my mind. It's empowering and exciting and interesting.

I have one son in college and a teenage daughter at home. I have raised them mostly as a single mom all of their lives, and our bonds have only gotten stronger. My daughter and I live almost like roommates at this point. We support and love one another and we're tackling every project in this house together. My son and I have great communication and are two of a kind in many ways. He's kicking butt in college and I'm proud to have raised them both.

There isn't much missing from my life. When my kids grow all the way up and leave, there still won't be much missing in my life. I'm complete as I am. That is the place I wish for all of us to get to in our new beginnings.

I love this thread. It makes me hopeful and happy.

I love that I could rescue a couple more dogs in the past couple of years without having to consult with another person about it.

Yes!! My ex hated cats and all but celebrated when the cat I brought into the marriage passed away.

Now I have 3 cats.

Yes!! My ex hated cats and all but celebrated when the cat I brought into the marriage passed away.

Now I have 3 cats.

HOW do you celebrate the death of a cat?!? Oh screw him.

And yay you!

Yeah, one of the defining moments of why this rocks for me was bringing home my last dog. I had 5 dogs and no intention of getting another. However, I work part-time on weekends at a shelter and my work dog buddy was an obnoxious Pomeranian. I bonded with him and worked with him for over a year. He was adopted out 6 times. The last time he was adopted, the owner of the shelter said that if it didn't work out, she was giving up on him and euthanizing him. When I heard he was coming back, I didn't have to go home and plead his case to anyone. I didn't have to hope that I'd hear "yes", because a spouse would absolutely have the right to object and six dogs is a lot of dogs. I just grabbed the application and when he came back, I took that little old guy home with me. He's alive and well and I adore his obnoxious self. I could make that decision on the spot. I own my life. Because I own my life, I saved this dog's life. Just that one thing is a huge reason why I love being single.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 4:04 PM, June 2nd (Tuesday)]

A few months after I tossed my Ex, I spent some time at work chatting with one of the most beautiful I'd ever met. We had only ever said hello in passing and we only ran into each other occasionally. Never had a thought of anything beyond that with her.

I brought my son in one day to meet different people around work and I dropped in on her and she met him and she was wonderful with him.

Needless to say that caught my attention and I dropped in to see her more often and one day she just up and asked me out on a date. We've been together for nearly a quarter of a century now.

The love I found with her far surpasses what I had with my ex. She's kind, considerate, compassionate and funny as hell.

We always hold hands when we are out, we still do date night (well not right now obviously) cuddle on the couch at night watching TV together, go for long drives just to have a picnic out in the mountains. The list goes on and on.

There is someone and something better out there for you. I wasn't looking for it myself but it did find me. My ex being a horrid b*tch was the best thing for me in the long run.

(((coffeenespresso)))

It's hard when you are in the midst of a divorce to know what the future will look like, but I found that after my D was final, I could look back every few months and see much progress.

I find it hard to convince myself that I will be happy with someone else.

I'm convinced that the key to happiness is to find happiness alone first, and then with someone else later.

When I made the decision to divorce my XH after 21 years of marriage, I also made the decision to return to school for a doctorate. It was the best decision I'd ever made. Graduate school got me out of the house, meeting new and interesting people, and learning about topics that I cared deeply about. In addition, I volunteered for causes I believe it in order to meet like minded people.

Since I retained the marital home, I did several home improvement projects to make it my own including painting the entire house inside and out and a couple of large landscaping projects. I totally made it my own.

I dated only sporadically, because quite honestly, I loved living alone and the life I'd created. I had a nice home, great job, good friends and I didn't want to become involved with anyone who didn't add to my already satisfying life.Eight years ago, I was introduced to the brother of one of my closest friends. We dated long distance for a few years, and then when I finished school, I moved closer to him. The additional education helped to widen my job prospects.

After a number of years in the "I am never getting married again" club, I decided I did indeed want to be married - I wanted to grow old with this man. We have been married almost two years.

Now is the time and the opportunity to decide what you want the next chapter of your life to be.

I was where you were 8 years ago - my WXH and I had been together 13 years; we were college sweethearts (married the day before my college graduation) and the only person I'd ever really been with. I thought we were best friends and he was pretty much my only friend. We had all of the same interests, and spent all of our time when we weren't working together. We never fought and I thought I was the happiest person in the world and that we were soulmates. To say I was shocked when I found out about the cheating is an understatement.

However, I learned that he was actually emotionally abusive and I just ache for the me of 1998-2011 who put up with that. I remember telling "funny" stories to my IC and she was just horrified that I thought that was acceptable behavior.

As others have said, spend some time single. Find out who you are. Rediscover things you love. Become a whole, healthy person. I joined a beer club and made incredible friends. I joined a book club and found out it wasn't really for me. I made new running goals and took up yoga. I studied for a certification that skyrocketed my career. I went on over 60 terrible first dates, swore off dating, and met my SO when I least expected it, about 3.5 years after divorce.

We've now been together nearly 5 years, and it's amazing. By mutual decision, we don't live together, but we spend about 3-4 nights/week together, go on vacations, have integrated into each other's friend groups, all while maintaining our own separate interests. We go on vacation together (when we're not in a pandemic) and we are both still so ridiculously happy. I'm having great sex for the first time in my life (cheaters are selfish and selfish people tend to be bad lovers) and are making plans for retirement together.

There is a great life out there. This part you're in now? It sucks. Hard. But work on yourself, become a whole, healthy person, and you will find out that before you know it, you'll be thriving, not just surviving. You've got this!!!

These stories are just giving me life today. Love y'all.

Agreed ^

I'll be returning to this thread on my down days.

Thank you all for the hope and words of encouragement.

coffeenespresso,

If there has ever been something you wished you could do or place you wanted to go but didn't now is your chance.

You can reinvent yourself, meet new people and try a new hobby.

I had never taken any jobs outside the states until we separated and divorced then I seen places in the world I thought I would never see.

You know, 3 years ago I felt like my life was just over. It was awful. Its taken therapy, meds, and loads of time to heal. We were college sweethearts, dated for 4 years before getting married.

But, now I can see a very different life for myself. I traveled out of country by myself, I went to tons of music festivals, now I even have a vintage camper that I have been restoring myself. Its been wonderful and strange to take any crazy idea that I have and run with it. I love that part about my new life.

Also, in the last 6 months I have had a new boyfriend. He has 3 kids and I have 2. I love the idea that I might have a large family! This man is amazing and I think I can be very happy with him. I really do love my life right now.

I'll also add. My dad is only 65 but he is currently in the ICU and he may not survive. I live with him so we are very close. But because I already survived 1 case of trauma (my ex cheating), I know I will survive this one. Its a good feeling at a bad time.

Logged into SI for the first time in ages and thought I'd post an update.

My D-day was in 2007, divorced in 2008 and I was single for the better part of 8 years. I didn't have any relationships that lasted over 6 months. I didn't date at all in 2014 & 2015 and really just checked out and went into "nun mode", looking inward, practicing self care and eliminating a lot of noise from my life. I didn't really have any huge a-ha moments, other than reading a lot about attachment theory and realizing I was repeatedly attracted to avoidant-style men.

I still wanted to have a great relationship so when I got back into dating in 2016 I knew exactly what I was looking for and my dating experience was completely different. It was more efficient, fun, and dignified and I attracted an all-around better caliber of man. I met someone within a month via Tinder and we both knew right away that the relationship had enormous potential. My mindset was that I thought we were an exceptionally good fit, and if he didn't agree and act accordingly, then that was disqualifying on its own and we would need to go our separate ways. It was liberating to not worry about what he was or wasn't going to do and just see what happened. Luckily, he agreed.

We moved in together and bought a house in 2018, got married in 2019 and we are expecting a baby this fall.

I have no illusions: there are a million different ways our lives could go to shit and infidelity is just one of them. But as someone who divorced fairly young (31) and spent all of my 30s wondering what the future had in store, I'm enormously grateful to live in the present.