NotTheSideChick posted 5/18/2020 15:46 PM

I have avoided posting this because I know I'm going to get hit with "file for divorce" and "why are you letting him walk all over you" but...it's just not that clear in my head.

So here I am. Wondering what in the world to do.

My husband had an affair last year. TTd the hell outta me-the last discovery lead to a separation 9 months after DDay.

we are in total limbo. We both were clear at the beginning of the separation that we needed space. working though all of this had been exhausting for both of us, and we needed space. We weren't doing this to start divorce, and our hope was to keep the family together and stay married.

It's been 1.5 months and there's no movement on WH part. He's living at his parents with no responsibilities and a relaxing day-to-day. I'm quarantining with our 1.5 and 4 year old, working from home, and keeping up the home. And building up a whole hell of a lot of resentment.

I told him a couple weeks ago I've gotten what I need out of the separation. I don't know that I want HIM, but I'm at the place where I need to see if he can be honest, and I feel the only way to know that is if he comes home and I can gauge what we have left.

He's not ready to come back. Doesn't want to move his stuff out, doesn't want separate accounts, doesn't want anything indicating moving towards divorce. But when he thinks of coming home, my incredibly conflict avoidant, shameful husband gets anxious. That's what's keeping him out. He's at his parents house every night. He's not going out. He's not living life. He's just...existing. There isn't remorse and he's totally still selfish and wallowing in his own shame. So, he truly shouldn't be coming home.

There's all these stories on SI that give me so much hope. Not the kind of hope you get from Disney movies, but the kind that's like "ah shit. I don't feel like I'm ready to divorce him yet, and if we can come back together, that would be ideal." I still love him (how, i don't friggin know) and there's a lot to lose. I have 2 shit sandwiches in front of me-1. R 2. D. Both taste, look, and smell like shit.

I'm rambling. And seeking answers y'all don't have. I don't know. Just looking to see what wisdom I can gain from this.

Phoenix1 posted 5/18/2020 16:05 PM

You need to dig deep and decide what you want. He clearly is doing nothing to R and appears quite happy with the status quo - no day-to-day responsibilities. You can't R by yourself, but you can decide what you want, and should.

If limbo was okay for you, it wouldn't be bothering you like it clearly is. Perhaps it is time to tell your WH to shit or get off the pot. Spell out what you need from him to R, then hold him to it. If he doesn't take any action, he is telling you what he thinks.

You know your situation best, and the only right course of action is what is right for you. Only you can decide that.

I will say, you are a more patient person than me. Two very young kids? Oh hell no with the wallowing (from him). It would be a case of step up or step aside. But that's just me.

We're here for you no matter what you decide. Have you at least talked to an attorney to see what D would look like in your jurisdiction? That's a good place to start.

The1stWife posted 5/18/2020 16:28 PM

Why incentive does he have to come home?

Young children = work! Geez he might have to change a diaper!!

Not at home with you - he doesn’t have to face consequences. He doesn’t have to see your pain. He doesn’t have to acknowledge he caused this situation.

Avoidance = a very easy day to day existence.

Just what he wants. He doesn’t want a D. But I’m sure his parents aren’t pressuring him to do anything. No counseling. No remorse. No amends. Just come home and eat and exist.

Stop allowing this enabling pattern he’s grown comfortable with.

Or you will live in limbo for a long time. As I always say living in limbo is like living in hell.

NotTheSideChick posted 5/18/2020 16:40 PM

Thank you, Phoenix1!

T1W-how do I stop enabling? What does that look like?

I feel so dumb and weak and I'm friggin not. bleh.

Evertrying posted 5/18/2020 17:00 PM

My H pulled that shit too right after dday, except he was still living in our home. But he had one foot in and one foot out. Didn't want to make a decision because "he didn't want to make the wrong one". (Like fucking someone else was the right one,,,,,idiot)

Anyway, he was still in lala land and I did put up with it for a few months until we did some soul searching. His head eventually fell out of his butt and we were able to move forward together. Things are waaaay better but it took almost 18 months of really trying on both our parts.

It's hard for you because he is living a life of "nothing" at the moment and he appears to be lazy. Doesn't have to think and doesn't have to work at anything. Right now, his actions only prove he's not R material at the moment.

It will be up to you and how much more you are willing to put up with. The only reason I hung in there with mine is the fact that his actions started to show me that he was committed to fight for the marriage. I won't tell you to divorce him because I have been in your shoes and chose to ride it out. In my case, we stayed together, but it was a long hard road along the way.

Summer1976 posted 5/18/2020 17:37 PM

I think my WH is a bit like this. Although he has said he wants a divorce, so far I see no sign of one. He moved out a year ago and says he’s not coming back, ever. He is a man who has a habit of burying his head in the sand. I removed my wedding rings and have decided to take baby steps towards a life focussed on our children, home, work and pets for the time being. I’m happy being at home, at 50 I don’t need excitement. When and if I do would be the time to divorce him, if he hadn’t already initiated that.

So my advise probably is not much help but I would say that you can decide to remove yourself from limbo without his permission or a divorce if you need to.

Hope this helps.

Phoenix1 posted 5/18/2020 20:12 PM

how do I stop enabling? What does that look like?

You stop the enabling with "tough love." Tell him what it will take to R, and the consequences for not following thru. Then be prepared to follow thru with those consequences. If he continues to wallow and do nothing to repair the damage, it's because you are allowing it.

If you don't do anything, he has no reason to do anything, and the limbo cycle continues.

I was in self-imposed limbo for four years. It killed my soul a little more each day until I got out of it.

Take control of your life. If you are not happy with limbo, change it. It's not easy, pleasant, or quick, but it is better than limbo...IMHO.

skeetermooch posted 5/18/2020 20:18 PM

My feedback is to figure out how to make a life you love without him because right now your life is without him. The more you try to nudge him out of his inertia, the more he'll resist and the more hurt and angry you'll feel.

If you stop trying, stop talking to him, stop asking for things and figure out what else, besides him stepping up, would make you happy you will be on your may to something better. Also, it might snap him out of it. But you can't really count on that. You need something better - building that life doesn't mean you're closing the door on your marriage - you're simply taking care of you.

Maybe you can insist he come over to watch the kids while you go out a few times a week (easier said than done right now, I know) or better yet, drop them at his parent's place for an overnight once a week - you need a break!!

The1stWife posted 5/19/2020 10:15 AM

I’m sorry you are in this mess with young children. Makes it harder.

First you need a financial plan for yourself if you ultimately D.

Speak to a lawyer or mediator to get a sense of what he will be required to contribute to you financially. As you are separated you may want to put something formal in place so if things don’t change and it gets very ugly, you have crossed that bridge.

If you need your own counselor I suggest you start searching. Someone who can help you through this challenging time.

Then have a frank discussion with him. Tell him what you expect but do not “help” him. If he cannot get through this on his own and figure out what to do (he can google everything and get tons of responses) then he’s always going to be needy and requiring YOUR support. Right now he needs to show you that he can make amends, face the consequences of his poor choices and prove to you the family, marriage and YOU are his priorities.

His focus should not be on him right now. His feelings about his affair and why and all that crap are selfish and do not reflect on the fact that he is not stepping up regarding your feelings and the pain he caused.

Dday1 I watched my H mope around b/c his affair was over. I believe she dumped him but who knows (or cares). Point is I allowed him to live in our home while being disrespectful to me by longing for another woman. At dday2 I no longer cared about anything but me & kids. He was told to get out. And that I was D him!!

Your H wanting to talk about his feelings and needs are NOT your concern any longer. He’s done nothing since dday. He ran for cover.

He’s hoping you will sweep this under the rug. Don’t do it. If you do he will cheat again. Ask me how I know.

tushnurse posted 5/19/2020 12:21 PM

So here's the thing He isn't being held responsible for shit. I bet his mom is cooking his meals and washing his clothes.

Fuck That.

You need to give him some responsibilities. He gets the kids EOW, and at least one night a week and YES that means he takes them to Moms or you go someplace else. He needs to know what D really feels like. I'd also call his Mom and find out how much she is doing for him and ask her to stop. He needs to start to own what he has done, and until he does that you are in limbo. Soul sucking, self esteem killing, limbo.

This ends when you say it does, and if you have had enough change it. May not be the outcome you want at the end of the day, but it is a move toward getting out of infidelity. You are only hurting you right now with this situation. No you should not keep up the Wonderwoman routine, it's hard. I know I did it in the months leading up to and shortly after Dday, and it was part of the impetus that finally allowed me to find my voice and demand better of my H.

Marz posted 5/19/2020 12:58 PM

Your limbo is self inflicted.

Like most you’re probably living on hopium.

Don’t be surprised if he’s not using separation to continue his affair.

His actions say he’s not R material.

He’s not in the marriage and not making any attempt. Your inability to make A decision will keep you where you are.

Meanwhile he’s stuffing his face with cake. At your expense.

messyleslie posted 5/19/2020 13:02 PM

This was sort of my WH for three years. He would show these moments of total remorse and didn’t want to get divorced, and still doesn’t, but then like nothing. I told him more than once I felt like I was on fire and he was holding a bucket of water and instead of pouring it on me it was like “oh so sorry you are on fire, I feel so bad, but I don’t know what to do.”

If I could go back and tell myself what to do three years ago it would be to just move ahead with the divorce. Your WH will either get it together and do the work and you decide at some point to put the divorce on hold and you reconcile. Or he doesn’t and that’s a good outcome too because then at least you are divorced and getting on with your life.

So take back the control. You have absolute power in this situation. Make a decision based on who he is today - do you want to stay married to him? If not then don’t. Divorce is such a long process. I just warn you about feeling like it’s too hard - it’s horrible and hard but trying to reconcile with an unremorseful WH who isn’t doing the work while single handedly caring for young children and working is also hell and at the end of that you may still have to divorce anyways.

crazyblindsided posted 5/20/2020 15:00 PM

it’s horrible and hard but trying to reconcile with an unremorseful WH who isn’t doing the work while single handedly caring for young children and working is also hell and at the end of that you may still have to divorce anyways.

Oh how I hated limbo. I was stuck in it for 5 years. Trying to R with my STBX was like dragging myself over broken glass. Then my self imposed limbo "for the kids" went on and on until I felt like I was dying.

For me to come to the conclusion that my M is over was one of the most difficult hurdles to get over. I just didn't want to give up. When I realized that if I stayed it would probably mean that I would probably lose my sanity, my job, and my kids I started making a turn and decided to S.

I don't know why some of us take longer to make a decision. I often felt like I let myself down for not being strong enough. It is so painful.

(((NotTheSideChick)))

ashesofkali posted 5/20/2020 16:44 PM

NotTheSideChick: I'm agreeing with crazyblindsided. I lived in limbo with my WH for about 2 years. IHS is miserable. Pure hell.
It took me a long time to make the jump from limbo to divorce, and I don't know why I waited so long. I guess I just needed to be sure. Really fully totally sure.
Filing for D is pretty much the hardest thing I ever did in my life. However, I am really fully totally sure that my life is better, now that I'm not married to a cheater anymore. Whatever choice you make, I hope you find peace & joy.
– ashes

StillLivin posted 5/21/2020 19:59 PM

Can you drop the kids off every other week with him? That would be his time to adult and will give you time to recharge. They're half his responsibility too. Plus, after a week's rest, you'd be a lot less resentful.

NotTheSideChick posted 5/21/2020 23:19 PM

Oh, I so appreciate all of you 🧡

He told me tonight our separation is about him finding what makes him happy, not working on us. I have always been good enough, he just doesn’t know if I make him happy. F you. Big ole f you.

So. I just said I’m done. I’m. So. Done. I’m exhausted. I’m taken for granted. I’m disrespected. I’m ignored. I’m also attractive. Young. Fun. Outgoing. And the better half of us. After the crap he pulled over the last year...no. Just no.

I’m terrified about what this will do to our kids and I so don’t want to friggin coparent. I’m kicking and screaming internally about not having my babies every night. Ugh.💔

As of now he gets them every other weekend and every Monday. Monday’s are weird because of quarantine, so I have to find weird ways to stay busy. He’s living at his parents who totally cater to him and the kids, so it doesn’t seem like a realistic or long-term solution. Whatever. That’s on him. Karma is a bigger bitch than I could ever be. In time.

Peace. I just want peace. And a good glass of wine and a burly man to snuggle with me and scratch my head. Ha. I deserve better. I want better. It’s on the horizon.

But this sucks.

messyleslie posted 5/22/2020 02:06 AM

He told me tonight our separation is about him finding what makes him happy, not working on us.

I’m so sorry.

I friend once told me that in sales the second best answer to a yes is a no because then you don’t waste your time.

Having him reveal this to you before you spent years holding out hope is a gift.

StillLivin posted 5/22/2020 11:07 AM

Those hopeful stories start with a remorseful WS. Some WS take a few weeks to months to wake the hell up (after Dday). But after 2, maybe 3 months, it's time to move on. Aren't you close to a year after Dday?
It's up to you. How much are you willing to take? Dude has had a year to get over himself already. He wasn't the victim, you were and he should be acting accordingly.
Why don't you read for a while on D/S forum. Go back about 5 pages. Read about all the more realistic threads where the WS strung their BS along for as much as they could. Decide then if yours is the remorseful WS or the not so remorseful ass wipe. You know your husband better than any of us. Just don't smoke the hoping pipe if it's not realistic to do so.
ETA: Oh my, I guess I should have read all the responses before posting again. Well at least bow you know it's all about him. FTN. Yes, you were and are the better half. Get your shit together and then go enjoy life sans free a selfish cheater. Wow, what a dud he is imho.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 11:14 AM, May 22nd (Friday)]

NotTheSideChick posted 5/25/2020 00:43 AM

Oh, holy shit balls.

I found a saved search tonight for houses by his mistress, 45 minutes away from me and the kids. In the price range of a single income. Wow.

It’s truth that you don’t need to search for details, the truth will come out eventually.

This thread has evolved immensely over the last week,

Thank you for letting me process this with you, SI.

Onward ✌🏼