SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I need help I don't know what to do my wife is cheating on me I confronted her and she said that she love the man. We have 2 kids and they are only 3 and 6 years old. We lived on the same house. Everyday I keep telling her that she needs to stop she need to cut ties with the man but still she is still communicating with him. I don't know what to do now. I need your help cause I'm lost right now.

See a lawyer - get your finances set. Collect evidence of your wife's affair as it may help you in the divorce (custody etc). Present her with divorce papers and ask her to move out.

Beyond that, just get on with your life, and know that one day you will be happy again.

Justinnn,

First, I am sorry for the reason you are here.

Second, breath.

You shared a little bit of information but we might be able to help you more should we have additional information.

How long have you been married?

Is the OM married?

Do they work together?

Is he/she the supervisor?

Have you told anyone?

Do you have a support system around you?

Anything you can add may be very helpful.

Hi Justinn:

Sorry you find yourself here.

You know what needs to be done.

Read what you have written but imagine that your best friend had written it instead. What advice would you give him? Do the same thing.

Let's break it down - your wife is cheating on you and has been caught. She's not ashamed at all, in fact she 'loves' the guy. Obviously that means she cares for him far more than she does you.

You cannot change her feelings. She isn't who you thought she was. You need to let go.

What you should do - lawyer up, protect your finances, get tested for STDs. I think that most people would also advise telling the affair partner's spouse and family and informing your wife's HR department if he works with her.

I will tell you this - the longer you let things stay the way they are the longer you will suffer and the sooner you get away the sooner you will find happiness in your life. You and your kids deserve better.

This is a painful suggestion, but you might consider testing the paternity of your kids.

8 years. I don't know I don't have any information with the om. 20 days ago I felt that she is cold to me. She is always have her cellphone on her hand when I asked her who is she chatting she will always say no one. She is so overprotective to her phone. And then the day come that I confronted her and she said to me that she love that man. No they are not working together because i visited her work and she said to all her coworkers that I'm her husband. Yes I already told the issue to her family but still nothing works she always keep denying that she done nothing wrong. I always keep telling her to give up with her affair and always telling me that its already over but no she is always lying to me. I love her so much and I want to save our marriage but it's hard. Her feelings to me is gone she is trying get back her feelings to me but nothing she can't. She said she want to fix our relationship for the kids but how if she can't even leave her affair. It's hard I don't know anymore.

Justinnn, in the top left corner there is a yellow box that says Healing Library, and inside of that is a link to Articles. Those articles cover a wide array of helpful topics that all betrayed people struggle with. Do some reading there to give you some perspective. The articles are very helpful.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I know you want to grab hold and cling and beg, but the drive to do that is not coming from a sane place. You will see in time that begging someone to love you never works. It didn't work when dating, and it doesn't work in marriage either. Hopefully you can let go of that need because it simply does not help. What will help is drinking fluids, eating, sleeping, keeping up your strength, reading in The Healing Library and getting info on the Hows and Whys of cheaters.

I know you feel scared and rejected and alone, but it won't feel like this forever. Let yourself cry and hurt. The person that stabbed you in the heart will not be the person who wants to stitch you closed, so don't ask her. Lean on friends and family. ((((Justinnn))))

You can't change her. You can change yourself.

Most of us here do not want to 'live in infidelity.' We don;t want to be with our WSes (Wayward Spouses) while they're cheating. Therefore, we lean toward courses of action that either cause the WS to end the A, which makes R(econciliation) a possibility (that is, not a sure thing), or we end our M.

Actions like telling the WSes family assume that outing the A will shame the WS into ending it. I'm not a fan of that action, because it's possible that the shamed WS will come back resentfully, in which case she'll probably cheat again or be a lousy partner.

But there are other options. You can simply wait a while in the hope that your W will come back by her own choice. Some people do that. I could argue that a lot of people do that.

In fact, what I did could be viewed as waiting for the A to end. I mean: like many BSes I knew something was wrong with my W. I asked if she was cheating 3 times, and she denied it 3 times - but I knew it was a possibility. Our relationship deteriorated, and I was thinking about changing, when she revealed her A.

IOW, instead of pushing her on her denials, I waited, and she decided to end her A and change from cheater to good partner, independently of what I did.

You control you. What do you want to do now? Do you want to wait and hope? Sometimes the WS does come back.

Do you want to force your W to really choose between you and om now? Eventually she'll have to choose, but you have influence over the timing. You can force the choice now - if you want to.

So what do you want? Once you decide, we can provide advice and support.

BUT - BUT - BUT

Even before you figure out what you want, it's important to consult a lawyer and get advice on your rights and duties, especially the financials. If your W is using your joint resources to fund the A, it would be good to stop the drain.

If childcare expenses go up because she's with om, and if she's working, I hope you want her to contribute to paying the costs.

IOW, lawyer up now. Today.

AND - AND - AND

You need to take care of the health of your kids and yourself.

Is she carrying and STD? You and she need to get tested. Today.

If she's going back and forth between you and om, she's increasing the risk of infecting you and your kids. That should stop.

If you're sharing a room, that should stop. She's a danger to you.

*****

If all that sounds too difficult to do, you need help, and I suggest reading The Simplified 180'.

*****

Once you've digested the advice you've been given, come back and tell us about your reactions.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:51 PM, April 22nd (Wednesday)]

Justinnn,

You are worth more! I don't know you, you don't know me. But, I swear to you, You Are Worth More!

Loyalty is precious and this is so painful, believe me, I know. Whatever you feel about her, whatever she's done, until your a little further through this, just keep saying to yourself, like a montra, "I'm worth more, I'm worth more." Becuase you are!

My heart is with you!

LonelyHeart

Sisoon,

What do i want to do now? To be honest I don't know anymore I gave her time even though she love the OM. And i already asked her if who will she choose she didn't choose me and she didn't choose the guy. But still i always keep telling her that i love her so much even expressing it to her. yes I'm a big IDIOT for doing that. But now im tired. I don't know anymore.

LonelyHeart,

Im worth more. I don't know if i can say that to myself. I don't know why did she do that. I gave everything to her.

I’m sorry you are here. But just know she didn’t cheat on you because of anything you did or did not do.

She cheated on you because that is WHO she is. She cheated on you because she chose to lie and cheat.

This is a situation where using 180 is vital to your mental health. I also believe you should file for divorce. Be direct with her. Say am choosing divorce because you chose to have an affair. Move her out the room and shut down any more talk of saving the marriage unless she ends the affair immediately, go no contact, and give full access to phone and emails. But file as soon as you can and shut down talking to her unless it is about her ending the affair or divorce.

[This message edited by WilliamM at 11:29 AM, April 24th (Friday)]

She's a lost cause. Speak to a lawyer immediately. Speak to a dozen lawyers, if you can. Get as much knowledge about your rights and future tactics that you can stomach. This also has the side effect of erasing those lawyers from her roster due to "conflict of interest". Start exercising to work out the monumental amount of stress that's hitting you. Call any loved one who will listen and vent. Get your affairs in order ASAP. And probably most importantly, stay strong in front of your kids. At minimum, the 6 year old is old enough to remember in the background what this whole event was like when they grow into adults. Don't badmouth your ex in front of them no matter how frustrated you get. Sometimes you eat the bar, sometimes the bar eats you. Do what you can to mitigate this disaster and insulate yourself from the worst of the worst. The lawyers will guide you as best they can, but remember that some of them are looking to draw this out and get paid. Find your balance and find your stress reliever. You WILL get through this. The next few months will be the true test of your spirit but on the other end is a happy, fulfilling life where you aren't tethered to a cheater. Good luck to you man.

But still i always keep telling her that i love her so much even expressing it to her.

You need to learn. You chase they move farther away. It works the opposite of what you think. Most just can’t stop it though.

I hope you wake up. You need to.

but how if she can't even leave her affair.

Let me rephrase that. She, 'won't," leave her affair. She can but chooses not to. Big difference there.

I've said this many times, but you are never going to be able to nice your W back into the M. She left already and that is obvious.

You are well within your rights to tell her that you refuse to have 3 people in this M and you are taking steps to protect yourself because she is no longer safe for you or the rest of the family. Her actions are selfish and she has not her family her main focus in her life. She had issues ? Everyone that is in a M today has issues. However not everyone cheats. As a role play ask her to imagine how she would feel if the roles were reversed. Really try to see, not just dimiss it because it is contrary to her selfish need for validation. In short, she is broken and only she can address her character deficits.

You need to detach, man. You are holding onto the idea of who she was not who she actually is today. Let that sink in a bit.

IN the yellow box there is at least one article that talks about the 180. You need to implement and practice it. Draw boundaries about what you will and won't accept. You are well within your rights to have boundaries in your M.

If she doesn't want to give up OM then, well, you need to move on for your own sanity. Some WS eventually come around, but some do not. You need to prepare for either outcome.

Right now your W is loving having two men's affections. She has trouble validating herself and uses quick and easy things to get her validation supply. Her validation supply, at this point, is more important than her family.

Detach. Read up on the 180. Try to find some online counseling, if you can, for yourself. Contact an attorney. Get an STD test. Cover your own bases and interests. Spend time with your kids solo without your W. She is choosing OM over your family.

She doesn't see it yet, but OM is likely using her for his own personal gain. Of course he says he isn't. Why would he ruin a good thing? Further could it possible he is lying to her ? Of course it is. She claims to love you, but is lying to you, right ?

Keep your options open with a view to getting out of infidelity. If your W wakes up then you need to tell her what you need. Keep firm on those items and don't negotiate or tolerate excuses (which all seem to protect her unsustainable notion of having two men vy for her affection. At the end she will end up with no one. Of course if she were self aware and self validating she would not have an A in the first place, but that doesn't change until she realizes it.

Tie your affections to her being faithful. While is not faithful do not feed the validation monster at all. Just simply tell her, " You know where I stand and what I need to resume this m."

FWIW fBH here happily reconciled with my W after her A 8 years ago. Your M has ended as soon as she choose to have an A. You could rebuild a second M, but you can't do it alone.

You can't control her anymore than she can control you. Take steps to protect yourself and your children from further hurt. If she gets her head out of her butt then maybe a second M can be rebuilt. If not you give yourself and your kids the chance to be free from her toxic coping skills. Your W choose to leave the family behind already hopefully she can see reason before it damages the relationship she has with her children in addition to the relationship with their father.

Your wife actually did make a decision.

She made a decision to not choose you.

She's currently enjoying the best of both worlds (a 24/7 coparent and paycheck) and her single life.

Experience shows that your best chance to save your marriage (if that's what you want) is to show zero tolerance for her affair.

She needs to believe that you will divorce her (bluff if you have to) rather than tolerate her affair.

The stronger and more decisive your rejection of her affair, the greater the likely hood that she will wake up.

Do not cry or beg to her because that is always viewed as weakness (undesirable to her).

Experience shows that she will be most attracted to you if she sees you immediately turning your back and just walking away to live your life without a cheater.

Anything less than zero contact with the OM allows the OM into your marriage. Every time she gets a text or even sees him driving down the street her emotions for him will trigger.

Do not give her time to think about her marriage. Read up on the 180 (to distance yourself emotionally). See a lawyer about how divorce will impact you (the first hour is often free). Treat her civilly but like a room mate.

Remind her what being single means. Stop being her safe place to fall. Stop being her buddy and best friend, don't listen to her hopes and dreams or give her a shoulder to cry on.

Justinnn,

All the posters here have been through infidelity. A lot of us were in the same situation as you.

You’re in the thick of it. It’s hard, so damn hard.

You love your wife, you love your family. You just want everything to go back the way it was. We know.

But, As hard it is to read those replies, they are right.

Change your thinking to:

"Dear WW, I love you so much. I had a good time and a good life with you. But I refuse to be married to a woman who roots for another man. You choose that relationship with the OM. I’m forced to choose to walk away from this marriage and take care of myself and our children ".

Then like the others have said, do the 180. It will help you love her less and help you take the best decisions for you and your children.

Don’t sleep in the same room, don’t do anything for her. She is no longer your wife.

You can start the D process with a lawyer. it takes time and she might turn around and choose to commit to the marriage and commit to fix what she has broken before the paper are signed. Or maybe she won’t.

But whether she turns around or not, you will be on the way out of infidelity and will be starting you healing process.

We can also tell you that we all survived Infidelity and you will to

Dear WW, I love you so much. I had a good time and a good life with you. But I refuse to be married to a woman who roots for another man. You choose that relationship with the OM. I’m forced to choose to walk away from this marriage and take care of myself and our children.

While you have a number of options to choose from, I want to explicitly say I think your best option is to say and mean exactly what ShutterHappy wrote.

I think it's an especially good way of saying what is, IMO, the best thing you can say - short, clear, powerful. Those sentences say everything that's needs to be said right now.

And keep saying it to yourself. You need to back up the words with actions - the simplified 180 contains the right actions IMO - and repeating the words to yourself will help you do what you need to do.

I'm glad that I found this forum. Thank you so much everyone for your advice. Even though she is lying to me everyday I still can't make myself gave up on her I read the 180 but I can't do it. It's hard I'm always thinking what about our children. There feeling. They will grow up with a broken family. I don't know what's my problem is but I still can't gave up on her. Why is it so hard?