SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife and I talk the other day and said she's moving on and will stop the affair.

She said this, in part, because you were doing the 180 and were clearly demonstrating that you were moving on. Once she told you this, you *broke* the 180 by saying this:

And I ask her that is there any chance to save our marriage.

And as a result of you breaking the 180, you got this in return:

And she said I dont know that yet because I'm in the process of moving on.

Stop asking her questions like that for now. I know you want to "save" your marriage. Put that on the back burner for now. That can possibly come later if some things change. But breaking the 180 at the first hint that she's not going to talk to the AP anymore is not the right move. *Never* break the 180 without checking in here first to get advice. It hurts you.

She says:

she's moving on and will stop the affair. She dont have no contact to the OM anymore.

We have seen on SI that there is approximately a 1% chance that this will turn out to be true. You SHOULD NOT just take her at her word. How has her word stood up so far?

At this point, you are prioritizing her while she is treating you as an option. This is unacceptable for a married man, so you have no choice but to go another way.

You can simply say "As much as I'd like to try for reconciliation, you are treating me as an option while I am treating you as a priority. So, I have no choice but to move forward with divorce. That can change if you prove to me that you can make some real changes, but that has yet to be seen."

That is it. 180 from that point on. No further discussion, no back-and-forth, no arguing.

Listen man, you can always start the divorce process if things start turning around and you really want to try for R. Filing for D is not the same as *getting* a D -- that will take months or years, and you can stop the process at any time.

Keep working on 180 for now. These conversations with your wife are not really helping.

What do I need to do? Wait for her or totally give up? I still love my wife so much.

Who do you love and respect and appreciate more, yourself or your WW?

Her words are meaningless. There is so much she has to do to become a safe person for you. She’s just trying to placate you so she can continue her A and let you sit and wait for her to end it.

Do not sit and wait!

Find a lawyer this week. Pay him or her to have your wife served D papers. It’s the only path she is giving you right now.

Tell her that someday, after she has dumped the AP and gone to therapy for a year or more and can become a person who has figured out why she thought it was ok to give away affection to another man, then perhaps you can talk to her about a relationship. I hope you’ve found someone else by then.

But don’t wait around for that to happen. It likely never will.

Best way for you right now, stop talking to her about the relationship. Get a lawyer, know your rights, and server her D papers to get that process started. She’s not remorseful for the pain she caused or working to help you heal. So stop interacting with her.

Best way for you right now, stop talking to her about the relationship.

These conversations with your wife are not really helping.

No conversations with her unless it's about children or finances.

Stop begging, crying, trying to reason with her, & asking her to break it off with her lover.

People aren't giving you this advice because they hate WS's and love divorce and simply want you to be mean to your wife and get a divorce.

They are giving you this advice because every time you have a conversation like this, it breaks the 180 and hurts you no matter what your outcome will be. Contrary to what your gut tells you, these conversations *hurt* any chance you have at R (if that's what you really want).

The next time you want to talk to your wife about your relationship, come here first and check in about it. It may make sense to talk, it may not. We can help guide you.

You want to R. That's impossible unless your W is willing to so the work she needs to do to change from cheater to good partner.

It's possible she will decide to do that work, if she realizes how fucked up her choices about her A were.

None of us here know enough about your sitch to know what will happen or to know what is best for you. You have to make your own decisions and lead your own life.

No one here can really give you much of a roadmap. All we can do is evaluate what you write and respond from our own knowledge and experience. That's very valuable, but there are always going to be nuances that just can't be communicated in a web forum. Besides that, we have a lot of differing opinions.

We can help. You still have to ... make your own decisions and lead your own life.

Getting out of infidelity starts with knowing what you want. Since you want R, I'd say it's too early to file for D, although it is NOT too early to find a good D lawyer and create a strategy.

Watch your W. If she makes changes that indicate remorse, R is possible - not certain, but possible. OTOH, her not making positive changes should be an indicator that R is likely to be impossible, and you need to adjust.

It's probable that a good IC can give you real-time feedback about your perceptions, thoughts, feelings, and thereby help you decide on a course of action. A mindful, intentional decision based on facts on the ground shows strength, no matter what the decision is.

A decision based in large part on fear does not show strength, no matter what the decision is.

*****

To be as explicit as possible, I don't think you have enough data to make a decision, given that you want R.

IMO, filing for D is going nuclear, and I wouldn't use the filing as a tactic. My reco is not to file until you're good with following through to a final decree.

Talking with a D lawyer about rights, duties, pitfalls, tactics, and strategy is definitely something you need to do now to protect yourself, because your W may, in fact, leading you down a garden path into quicksand.

If you stop wanting R, D is in your best interest.

But right now, you're thrashing around (which seems entirely normal to me), and based on what you've written, I think it's too early for you to file.

*****

What do I think your best course of action is?

Right now I think you need to process some of the fear, grief, anger, and shame out of your system.

I think you need to monitor your W's behavior to see if she is likely to change from cheater to good partner.

I think you need to come up with your requirements for R. I think you need to ask your W if she'll meet them, and I think you need to go directly to D if she won't.

I suspect that a good IC will be able to help.

*****

Let's remember that those of us who came here uncertain about what to do eventually figured out a good path for themselves.

That wasn't because SI said 'D' or 'R'. It's because we shared our thoughts and opinions, and - IMO - because we all are capable of figuring out the best course for ourselves.

You can, too, Justinn.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:28 AM, May 2nd (Saturday)]

Right now there's no chance of R. I'm 100 percent of that she's gone. Right now in struggling because I'm broke I dont have money everything. I just migrated here in toronto a month ago. Struggling to find work because of the pandemic. We dont have any house we are only renting here. I want to say to her that leave the house but I cannot because I cant afford to pay these apartment. This is the worst. Right now she's texting the OM in front of me. She doesn't have any respect. I dont have any relatives here I'm alone. God I hate this.

Hard180

Right now there's no chance of R. I'm 100 percent of that she's gone.

What happened? What changed? Were you involved in another discussion or argument with her?

Marz says "hard 180." This is THE ONLY tool you have right now. Do it.

I want to say to her that leave the house but I cannot because I cant afford to pay these apartment. This is the worst. Right now she's texting the OM in front of me. She doesn't have any respect. I dont have any relatives here I'm alone. God I hate this.

Do you have any options for unemployment or other government benefits?

Do you have any family anywhere in the world who could help you leave and go stay with them?

Yes she's talking to me the other day but I didn't respond to her and suddenly she said that stop daydreaming and said that there is no chance that my feelings to you will go back. And it hurts so much. No they are too far away i want to leave but I can't. I'm trapped and i dont know if i can recover in this situation. Right now she doesn't care anymore she's texting the OM in front of me.

Yes she's talking to me the other day but I didn't respond to her and suddenly she said that stop daydreaming and said that there is no chance that my feelings to you will go back. And it hurts so much. No they are too far away i want to leave but I can't. I'm trapped and i dont know if i can recover in this situation. Right now she doesn't care anymore she's texting the OM in front of me.

I forgot that you have little kids. Of course you can't leave.

So you still do have some options to turn the tables. You know the other man's phone number and that they work together, right? Do you know his name yet?

If not, do what you can to get that information. Get the info.

Then, expose the affair to their workplace. You can get advice here on just how to do that.

If this man is married, expose the affair to his spouse.

These two actions have a high probability of shutting an affair down.

Exposure to her family can also help.

I already did expose her to her family but nothing happens she's like didn't care anymore. I dont know the name of the OM but i know the number.i dont think I'm not ready yet to expose her in her work. I think if i do that she will leave our apartment think i will do that when I have work and have money to support the kids right now i dont have anything. I dont know anymore man right now she only cares about that man.

I'm not ready yet to expose her in her work.

Honestly, it's not very possible for you to do it without knowing this guy's name. Sounds obvious, but have you tried a reverse phone lookup?

I think if i do that she will leave our apartment

Yeah, every BS thinks this, and they are always wrong. Exposing the affair (to the other betrayed spouse or to work) *destroys* the affair in most cases. The AP would likely throw your wife under the bus to save his own ass, and your wife will experience an "awakening" the likes of which she's never experienced before. Very likely she'll beg and plead for you to take her back.

I did try the reverse phone but it doesn't show all the infos. I will expose her i will do that when the time comes. But i think the beg and plead will never happen. I dont know what she is thinking why cant she leave the OM even though the OM didnt love her. Why she picked that man over me and the kids. I dont understand. Everyday I'm thinking about that and it hurts. She even didnt think about my feelings. Even though she's doing this I still love her.

But i think the beg and plead will never happen.

Yes, it has the opposite effect, actually. I think you've learned that the hard way. Very difficult for new BS to recognize that.

At this point, even if the AP fell off a cliff and was totally gone tomorrow, how would you even move forward with your WW? There is a lot of work to be done here *even if* she "chooses" you. Are you up for that, or have you reached your limit?

I dont know what she is thinking why cant she leave the OM even though the OM didnt love her.

Are you so sure she thinks he "didn't love her"?

She can't and won't leave him because she has experienced 0 consequences from this affair.

Exposure to work or other betrayed spouse is one way to kill an affair. Keep working on getting what you need for that ASAP. Maybe post in the "Investigative Tips" forum for more advice on how.

The only other way is hard 180. Begin doing that and moving on. The more you have conversations, arguments, beg, plead...you've seen what result you get from that. It is the opposite of the 180 and gets you the opposite result from what you want.

I realize you're in a very tough situation. Seriously. Keep posting and letting us know what's up. Keep working at it.

I dont know I cant trust her anymore. I want to move on i do but it's so hard.

I want to move on i do but it's so hard.

Yeah, it's fucking hard.

You can't "move on" overnight. Get that out of your head.

You absolutely CAN "fake it til you make it."

Guy, what else do you have to lose? My bet is if you can commit to the 180 -- REALLY do it -- you will start to see a shift in your wife within 24 hours.

It's so hard for a BS to wrap their head around how important it is to do the 180. It's just a series of behaviors. No one is expecting you to "move on" so quickly.

Do you have questions on what that looks like, how you should start?

Do it for 24 hours. See if I'm wrong.

I am doing the 180 but it is not perfect. Thank you for your advices.

Oh, yeah, this is hard.

Around big cities in the US, many D lawyers give a free 30 or 60 minute consultation. Do Toronto lawyers do that? I suggest making a few phone calls. You really need to lawyer up to find out your rights and duties.

Canada has a good social safety net. Do you qualify for any assistance?

Right now, detach -

D – Don’t

E – Even

T – Think

A – About

C – Changing

H – Her.

Remind yourself: you didn't fail - she did. Her texting om is on her, not on you.

And remind yourself: lots of people have been right where you are today, they've recovered, they have survived and thrived. You can, too.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:48 AM, May 3rd (Sunday)]

I'm back. So yeah right now I feel devastated she wants me deported here. I am just new here. And she's the one that get me here. Now I dont know what to do.