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I received an anonymous letter

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throwaway99 posted 4/21/2020 10:05 AM

Via snail mail. It was addressed to me by name. The writer said my husband was having an affair with a friend of hers. She said the other woman knows itís wrong but they have so much in common she felt it was meant to be. She said there is an undeniable spark between them. The writer said theyíve been doing a lot of soul searching during quarantine and decided they must live honestly and truthfully. They said they had been cheated on and wished someone had let them know.

Other than what felt like authenticity, the writer mentioned both of my kids with accuracy and named my husband, even spelling his very unusual name correctly (even our friends misspell it).

He denies all of this. He has no explanation for the letter, understands why Iím having trouble believing him, but cannot explain it himself. I canít imagine why someone would send me a fake letter - unless they hate me so much they want me to have doubt and misery for the rest of my marriage, which is a terrible punishment indeed.

I want to believe him. But our marriage hasnít been good for awhile. He is distant and cold at times. He isnít affectionate. He isnít interested in sex (he hasnít been since his vasectomy a few years ago, this isnít common but isnít unheard of) Iíve just chalked it up to how incredibly stressed he is about his job, and has been for years.

I want to believe him but I donít know how I can continue in a marriage always wondering if Iím a fool.

Freeme posted 4/21/2020 10:14 AM

Have you checked the phone records to see if there is a number that keeps popping up? Did you view his phone to check his texts?

It's hard to say if it's true or not but I'd probably let it go and investigate on my own.

RedGlass posted 4/21/2020 10:18 AM

Is there any proof other than this letter?

Concrete proof?

While I understand that your marriage isn't in a good place, leaping to conclusions without facts to support them may do more harm than good.

You need to do some research and see if you can uncover something that supports this.

Whoever it is may not hate you, your husband could well be the target of this letter. There are people out there that don't care about 'collateral damage' as long as they hit what they're aiming for.

Sad, but true.

nightmare01 posted 4/21/2020 10:19 AM

Do you have a return address? Did the writer give her name?

I suggest that you investigate - what you said about your husband seems off to me, and he has every reason TO lie.

Check facebook for her profile. Review your husband's phone records. Get into his email - he may have a fake one, so look for that.

If your husband is innocent he won't mind - but if he objects... well, then you know.

GoldenR posted 4/21/2020 10:33 AM

Check phone bills.

His email.

His texts.

FB msgs, IG msgs.

Check his phone for cheater's apps such as KIK and Snapchat.

Throwaway999 posted 4/21/2020 10:45 AM

My advice is to ask for all of his passwords...now and quickly. If he has nothing to hide, then he should not resist. Do this before he has a chance to potentially delete messages etc. it possible to recover, but it just makes it harder for you.

My biggest regret when I found out is that I sat numb and in shock and watched him delete emails that I could never recover.

And remember to listen to your gut...if he has cheated, please also know they lie...constantly and go into self protection mode.

I truly hope it turns out to be nothing. Infidelity is the hardest. Good luck.

ibonnie posted 4/21/2020 10:46 AM

Many people would suggest going out and buying a VAR (voice activated recorder) and putting it in your husband's car secretly to see if it picks up any phone conversations with the AP (affair partner), but given the pandemic/quarantine/trying not to buy non-essential items, I would suggest looking into downloading the Alfred app (there's a free version, I think, or you can spend a few bucks for the better option) if you have any old smartphones lying around. It basically turns any old phone into a security camera, but the screen looks black/like the phone is off. You can link it to your current phone and watch/listen in live time with the old phone acting like a security camera.

I managed to place it surreptiously in a room and angled it so that I was able to see my husband's phone screen, and saw him texting kiss emojis to his coworker that was "just a friend."

Honestly, I think this letter was probably written by the OW (other woman). The "felt it's meant to be" and "undeniable spark" sound like something a crazy AP (affair partner) would write, not like something a formerly BS (betrayed spouse) would include in the letter. A formerly BS would also probably leave some way to contact them to verify this information and/or concrete evidence you could verify, like "every Thursday night they meet up at X-hotel."

If your husband is not lying, he should give you full transparency right now to clear his name. An innocent spouse would pull up their own phone records or GPS history because they have nothing to hide. Anything less than full, immediate transparency is a HUGE red flag. If he says sure, he just has to use the bathroom first and then you can go through his phone? RED FLAG, nope! He could spend five minutes in the bathroom trying to delete every text or erase his GPS history.

Look at his google maps. Look at the history timeline and see where he's been going. Does he have a gmail account? After you check his phone, log on to his account and double check. Check sent mail. Check drafts. You know on the upper right side those nine gray dots that you click on to access google drive, photos, etc.? Check that, too. My WH (wayward husband) deleted pics of his AP (affair partner) off of his phone, but they were still stored/accessible by signing onto his gmail account and checking his photos there. He had no clue.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 10:52 AM, April 21st (Tuesday)]

throwaway99 posted 4/21/2020 10:50 AM

There was no return address and she didnít give her name.

He is a hard person to investigate. Heís very, very private (always has been) and he doesnít have any social media accounts and never has. He has offered me his email, but I didnít look. He is a brilliant computer scientist and thereís no way he would receive email from another woman to the email accounts that I know of.

I did look at the phone bill - he showed me the numbers I questioned and they were work related.

I still canít wrap my head around someone falsely accusing him in this way. She ended the letter with ďyou deserve to live in truth and light, women should not be taken advantage of, women should lift each other upĒ

It seemed to be written with such kindness.

My heart is breaking. Am I breaking my husbandís heart, too, by having doubts? He says he will do anything to convince me. I wish I knew a way I could be convinced.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 4/21/2020 10:50 AM

Have you checked his Google timeline? If he has a Google email that is attached to his phone...and Google timeline is turned ON...it will track where your husband has been. I found out about this from this site...and it was invaluable for me.

Alice1977 posted 4/21/2020 10:59 AM

You have to put your feelings aside from what he says and what is the truth. Cheaters are liars and besides the letter you don't have anything. You have to go into detective mode and find it. Prove he is innocent! But look at everything, and right now would be a perfect time to download Life360 to his phone. He'll know it's there and if he has nothing to hide, he will be 100% on board. I agree with IBonnie, it does sound like it was written by the OW.

northeasternarea posted 4/21/2020 11:08 AM

If the information is true, that letter came from the AP. No BS would send that without outing the AP.

Okokok posted 4/21/2020 11:28 AM

I have a tough time believing anyone would send a letter like this and have it not be real. Seems like a less than 1% chance that this is fake.

Very horrible that she didn't give you a name.

Time to use your sleuthing skills. People have given good advice.

You can also try this: hide an old cell phone in his car with gps tracking on so that you can see his whereabouts during the day.

You can also hide a VAR somewhere (again, his car is best bet--Affairs often live in cars).

Think: has he been going out a lot during the quarantine? "Long walks"? Working late? Long "trips to the store"?

Is there any female coworker he seems particularly close to? Or that he's ever mentioned?

Does he have any meetings or trips planned in the near future?

redwing6 posted 4/21/2020 11:44 AM

Get a tracker and voice activated recorder. Put them both in his car. Check them every couple of days make sure you turn off the bell/notification. I believe the tracker you can see in real time where he is at any given moment.

Here's a link to the tactical primer. It's full of good info on how to find out if he's really cheating.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

I'm sorry you're here, and I hope you are wrong about this and the letter was wrong...but I suspect it's not.

[This message edited by redwing6 at 11:49 AM, April 21st (Tuesday)]

tushnurse posted 4/21/2020 11:45 AM

The M has no place for "privacy" that's bullshit. Those w/ nothing to hide, hide nothing.

So you have confronted him and he has denied, so now you are on your heels to get the truth. Random people do not send anonymous letters to people in hopes of hurting them, so I have to believe the sender had your best interest at heart.

The smartest/best way to move forward right now, would be to muster up strength to tell him you are sorry for doubting him and then go into super spy mode, and then allow him to get caught. Or the other path is to demand he take a poly and see what happens.

I would also recommend that you go get full STD testing, see an attorney to learn your rights and his obligations. Prepare for what you want moving forward. If he is cheating would you want to stay? If so what do you need from him to go forward. Start figuring out what you need and want.

allusions posted 4/21/2020 12:12 PM

I really doubt this letter was sent by an enemy of your husband. I think if that were the case they would have said that they were the OW and not a friend of OW.

There is a lot of specific information in the letter--your name and address, your kids' names, your husband's uniquely spelled name. And so much detail about what OW was thinking and feeling and discussions ("soul searching"). I don't think a friend would be privy to that level of detail. I think this letter was probably written by OW.

I'm going to echo what others have said, search everything you can. Look at bank statements, credit card statements, look for a burner phone in his gym bag, brief case, tool box, etc. A VAR can be very helpful. And you can always ask for a polygraph.

The1stWife posted 4/21/2020 12:23 PM

Sorry I must agree with others and tell you I doubt this letter is a fake.

Your H may have a cell phone you donít know about.

Your H may be having an Affair with a coworker and itís all or mostly ďin personĒ. Face to face.

Possible only emails are via his work email which you may not have access to.

Cheaters are capable of so many things. My friend married her HS BF. He was a serial cheater. When one of the many OW called my friend to rat him out, my friend learned her CH had a child with a co-worker that was about 3 yo, a fiancťe and two other GFs on the side. My friend never had any idea.

Just sayinó He might be that good at covering his tracks.

Iím sorry for you.

SilverStar posted 4/21/2020 12:38 PM

My gut reaction -

People don't generally send such letters for kicks. You can see posters on here agonizing whether or how to tell a BS about an A.

The letter may be from the AP to force your WH into choosing.

Of course he denied this, maybe because it's not true and maybe because cheaters are first class, expert liars.

You need to investigate. Very quietly. VAR in his car, his office or any other place he may talk privately. Check the phone records. Check his phone if you can - and not just the call log or message log. There are many apps that people use to communicate without using messaging. WhatsApp, Viber, Skype, FB Messenger, and the like.

To keep your activities quiet, use a soft 180 as described on this site. Cheerful, forward thinking, excellent self-care but no "pick-me" dance.

You might send a copy of the letter to the AP's partner/spouse if there is one. Start paying attention. There is some smoke here. Hunt for fire.

eehamlet posted 4/21/2020 13:02 PM

throwaway99 -

I'm sorry that you found yourself here and I hope that this is just a false alarm.


He is a hard person to investigate. Heís very, very private (always has been) and he doesnít have any social media accounts and never has. He has offered me his email, but I didnít look. He is a brilliant computer scientist and thereís no way he would receive email from another woman to the email accounts that I know of.

I did look at the phone bill - he showed me the numbers I questioned and they were work related.

I still canít wrap my head around someone falsely accusing him in this way. She ended the letter with ďyou deserve to live in truth and light, women should not be taken advantage of, women should lift each other upĒ

It seemed to be written with such kindness.

My heart is breaking. Am I breaking my husbandís heart, too, by having doubts? He says he will do anything to convince me. I wish I knew a way I could be convinced.

Your description of your husband sounds a lot like me. I'm a private person and don't do social media. All of my accounts are as secure as I can make them and I turn off as much tracking as I possibly can and clean up all of my tracks as best as I can. I do this because I spend 30 years as a software engineer and am horrified at how much information we leave out there and how easily it could be exploited. I have never cheated on my wife and other than probably some mild embarrassment wouldn't mind if she knew all of it.

That being said I would be somewhat offended if I was confronted by a letter like this. It would make me feel as if she didn't really trust me. But if it did happen I'd certainly let her look at my computer and phone with anything she chose to. But I would resent that she felt the need to do it.

On the other hand that bullsh!t about the undeniable spark makes me believe that the letter you got came from someone you either wants to get with your husband or is getting with your husband and not from someone who isn't involved.

It would seem that your husband so far has done all that you have asked of him. I'd keep my eyes open though. Is he "working late" a lot? Any unexplained "business trips". How about your finances? Any changes there? Have his habits changed at all? Is he more secretive than he used to be?

If he is cheating on you you'll drive him underground a lot further if he thinks you know but are not sure. If he isn't he'll resent it if you are treating him as if he is guilty.

Keep your eyes open as discretely as possible. I hope that all will turn out well for you.


Shockedmom posted 4/21/2020 13:25 PM

Does he have access to your technology? He may be viewing your posts her and will be aware of any techniques to surveille his activities.

The anonymous letter is likely from the OW trying to blow up the marriage. Watch your husband for any attempts to make contact with her.

MickeyBill2016 posted 4/21/2020 14:17 PM

I think that sadly there are a lot red flags in the letter.
After you confronted him with the letter did he go away from you, to "get some air" or to go the store for TP. If so that is another red flag as he may have gone to contact his GF to say WTF did you just do?

Do some detective work. Look in his car and "gym bag" or brief case for affair supplies like condoms...
Go thru his email if he lets you, does he have gmail? There's a little trick about gmail that not everyone know...just because he deleted it doesn't mean its gone...

Just because he is brilliant computer scientist that doesn't not mean he will make stupid mistakes with something as simple as email...brilliant people often think they are the smartest person in the room.

FWIW sadly there's slim chance it's a spoof.

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