Thank you for the well wished and encouragement.
I totally agree with you Stinger, I hope the same for him too. I have no ill will towards him, no room for that here. I want to see him thrive and live his best life as untainted with our old life as much as possible. And while the damage turned out to be too great for us to overcome, these pages are filled with those who did survive this together. That was my hope, it was what I longed for and tried so very very hard to achieve. It crushes my heart and soul, and I feel like a complete failure. The responsibility that I take for this is substantial and I feel it every single day.
And thank you HellFire, I do truly hope for those things for myself as well. I've got many layers of healing to accomplish. Having felt the break in its entirety, and feeling stronger in that respect. I'm still left with residual emotions of the trauma I did face in the aftermath. The DV is hard, I find myself in denial, or saying it could have been worse. The TT might be the hardest, gaslighting is no joke. I feel it to my core. I remember very clearly the day I snapped in the thick of it. I thought I broke, yet the clarity in that moment was eerily acute. But, anyway, I think for the first time ever I am allowing myself to feel my BS side. It's not something that I ever really let myself do, due to the fact I felt my WS actions were more severe and needed my utmost attention. Unfortunately, its like pulling a band-aid off a severed arm 4 years later.
And believe me, his pain in all of this is not lost. The effects of causing this kind of trauma to someone will stay with me the rest of my life. I have these images seared into my brain of the days just after him finding out, I can still see crystal clear the moment I saw the pain coursing through his body, I could see it in his face, his chest and shoulders, the way he held himself, really not a single part of his body was spared of the physical effect. The months that followed in the early morning as he began to wake, I would be laying next to him and knew when his reality hit him again, and he had to face that pain all over day after day. Leaving crushed him.. I swear I don't enjoy hurting that man. He has suffered way too much by my doing. Again, not something I can just let go of so easily.
I'm not so sure I've had a reason to feel such remorse for something I've done. So really being the first and not having that experience, I am convinced that it really is something that will stay with you for the rest of your life. It's altered mine anyway. It has changed the way I think, act, and feel about all things. If I give completely into it, I relive the moments and feelings from that first year or so and go down quite the emotional rabbit hole. You could say this shit is still pretty hard. Still very alive.
But then, is 4 years really a lot of time? It doesn't feel like it.
BSR, I don't think it was necessarily that I felt I should be graduated by now, but I did feel that if I were to contribute it needed to be from a better place than I was in. I did feel incredibly guilty having just stepped up then turning my life upside down. (sorry rest of the staff) Also, I didn't turn to you guys here because one, I sang this song already, went through it with yall the first time. I felt like a broken record. And two, the shame I felt for failing was substantial. I didn't want to talk about it anyway, with anyone.
Funny too, because failure was never on my radar to feel shame over. Failure always meant to me to get up and try again. Not something to feel bad about.
And failing at this only drove in the sense of not being good enough. Which as of late I am learning this inadequacy has been one of my biggest issues, and stumbling blocks. It's always there in my thoughts, just quiet enough to go unnoticed but still able to create an inner dialogue with myself, guiding much of what I do and why.
Every time I face something scary or hard, I realize I am telling myself I can't do it. I am becoming so much better at catching it, and asking myself, and why the fuck not??! I have already done some very hard things proving time and time again the strength and courage that lives inside of me. I don't know why in the moment I can't just recall that strength and convince myself otherwise. Still very much a work in progress. The multi layers of healing catches me off guard from time to time, that and how messy, even chaotic healing can be.
But I guess if it were easy..
I really appreciate you guys. I'm thankful to have this place to talk and be heard. Thank you for stopping by to read and offering your kind words. My heart is full of gratitude.