"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

foreverlabeled posted 4/10/2020 20:10 PM

So, things have changed for me. I guess this will be a little bit of an update. I've attempted this once before around my 4 year antiversary. I just wasn't ready. I couldn't hardly read here let alone contribute or update. Which was unfortunate, because I needed this place but was too ashamed to ask for that help.

I made the decision to leave my H, again. It was different this time, this time there was a definite finality to it. I knew this time there was no going back, unlike the first time. I had a pretty good feeling the first time I'd go home. And this time I knew, and it broke my heart like I've never felt before. This was in November when I left, so what, 5 months now? It's taken me this long to stop crying every night. To stop willing him back to me. To stop negotiating with myself or convincing myself I have made a mistake leaving.

I'ts all I've known my entire adult life, it's all I can remember. It's a hard break.. It's hard to break. And in spite of that, the familiarity I held onto for so long, I had to make a choice if a small piece of comfort was worth it. Now, I say "small piece" because I can see it now, but at the time it felt bigger than that. It was a toxic consumption and a very unhealthy attachment. We were both so young and so broken when we came together. It's sad to think about how strong we could have been if we both could get our shit together. I try not to think about the what ifs.

I fell into a deep depression after leaving him. I don't know how I've managed these last months. I've just been pushing on doing what I need to. Working my ass off to pay the bills. Upgrading my life steadily. Always surprising myself. I doubt my strength and determination to get shit done. Then I end up doing the hard thing, and kick myself for thinking I couldn't.

My mom sent me text not that long ago when I was doubting myself, she said; "You can do anything you decide to do. That's how you are. There might be stuff that you think about doing or talk about doing, but its when you decide on something, when you decide what to do, that you make shit happen."

I can't say I truly wanted to leave him, for anyone that has been here from my start knows that. Yeah, I fucked it up, I set this ablaze. My world blew the hell up when he found out about my cheating, and it was like a brush fire, our world went up in flames. We both were called out, and nothing would ever be the same again. I was bringing water to the fire, and him gasoline. It is what it is, I can't beat that circumstance.

I'm doing better these days. My head is finally above water. This had been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. From the time I was found out until now. I'm ready for a little emotional rest. Kinda take it easy. Shit timing though, with this virus. It's my luck

Aside from that, I'm really okay now. I was licking a serious wound and I needed to heal that! I needed to feel it, even if it took me low. I handled it relatively well, and am on my way to better days.

Thanksgiving2016 posted 4/10/2020 21:26 PM

Congratulations on finding your path.

Stinger posted 4/10/2020 21:57 PM

Might be for the best for both of you. Once there is cheating, most of the time, the damage is just too great. I hope he can heal and learn to trust again.

HellFire posted 4/10/2020 23:09 PM

I'm sorry it came to this, but I hope you find happiness you deserve.

Once there is cheating, most of the time, the damage is just too great. I hope he can heal and learn to trust again

FL is a former wayward,who has done the work. She is also a BS, as her husband has cheated on her. She is also a victim of domestic violence. She deserves to heal, and learn to trust again.

BraveSirRobin posted 4/11/2020 00:04 AM

((foreverlabeled))

Congratulations to you on taking the hard, scary path. I hope that being a staff member didn't make you feel like you were supposed to have "graduated" and not need support on SI. Honestly, I find it really comforting to know that I'm not alone in my feelings of inadequacy. And inspirational that you've arrived in a space where you can look back, say that you handled it, and look forward to life being brighter from here.

BearlyBreathing posted 4/11/2020 00:10 AM

Best of luck to you both, FL. I’m glad you are finding your way to a happier time.

Hippo16 posted 4/11/2020 06:42 AM

foreverlabeled

Letting go can be hard - until we mentally overcome our own thinking and habits.

using google search - found your post (among many) in 2017.

Based on what you wrote - you have way to long suffered in and with an mentally unhealthy person.

The first step is simply deciding to take that step for yourself.

So this you have done and no one here will disparage you for trying so many years.

I hope to read about good things having come to you in the next year!

Getting away from someone who has no respect for you (as I see) is a GOOD thing!

Owl6118 posted 4/11/2020 09:06 AM

As from the beginning, always wishing you well. Keep growing towards life.

Zugzwang posted 4/11/2020 09:41 AM

You and I have butt heads at times, though I have appreciated it because it gives this forum what it needs. All types to make it work. Honestly though all I ever want is for WS to see they need to R themselves and find their own peace, joy, and healthy. I am glad you have found yours. I am glad you have found your own self worth and respect. You don't need luck. I think you are going to be amazingly fulfilled going forward with the self love you have found and courage.

nekonamida posted 4/11/2020 11:17 AM

FL, I really do think there is a bright future ahead of you. The work you have done on yourself is invaluable and will carry you through. Good luck and take care.

kairos posted 4/11/2020 11:35 AM

It's nice to sense a sigh of relief, like a catharsis coming from you. It feels good, doesn't it? I've had some similar experiences lately, sort of accepting what my heart/mind are telling me, and following through with what needs to happen. And then, as you noted, the emotional fall-out, the months of crying, that pain giving way to pressure relief, giving way to some joy. It's nice seeing you embrace it.

thatwilldo posted 4/11/2020 11:41 AM

foreverlabeled,

You were one of the first people who helped me when I first started posting on SI. You've helped me with your clear thinking and compassion. Thank you. I wish you all the best in the future.

foreverlabeled posted 4/11/2020 16:27 PM

Thank you for the well wished and encouragement.

I totally agree with you Stinger, I hope the same for him too. I have no ill will towards him, no room for that here. I want to see him thrive and live his best life as untainted with our old life as much as possible. And while the damage turned out to be too great for us to overcome, these pages are filled with those who did survive this together. That was my hope, it was what I longed for and tried so very very hard to achieve. It crushes my heart and soul, and I feel like a complete failure. The responsibility that I take for this is substantial and I feel it every single day.

And thank you HellFire, I do truly hope for those things for myself as well. I've got many layers of healing to accomplish. Having felt the break in its entirety, and feeling stronger in that respect. I'm still left with residual emotions of the trauma I did face in the aftermath. The DV is hard, I find myself in denial, or saying it could have been worse. The TT might be the hardest, gaslighting is no joke. I feel it to my core. I remember very clearly the day I snapped in the thick of it. I thought I broke, yet the clarity in that moment was eerily acute. But, anyway, I think for the first time ever I am allowing myself to feel my BS side. It's not something that I ever really let myself do, due to the fact I felt my WS actions were more severe and needed my utmost attention. Unfortunately, its like pulling a band-aid off a severed arm 4 years later.

And believe me, his pain in all of this is not lost. The effects of causing this kind of trauma to someone will stay with me the rest of my life. I have these images seared into my brain of the days just after him finding out, I can still see crystal clear the moment I saw the pain coursing through his body, I could see it in his face, his chest and shoulders, the way he held himself, really not a single part of his body was spared of the physical effect. The months that followed in the early morning as he began to wake, I would be laying next to him and knew when his reality hit him again, and he had to face that pain all over day after day. Leaving crushed him.. I swear I don't enjoy hurting that man. He has suffered way too much by my doing. Again, not something I can just let go of so easily.

I'm not so sure I've had a reason to feel such remorse for something I've done. So really being the first and not having that experience, I am convinced that it really is something that will stay with you for the rest of your life. It's altered mine anyway. It has changed the way I think, act, and feel about all things. If I give completely into it, I relive the moments and feelings from that first year or so and go down quite the emotional rabbit hole. You could say this shit is still pretty hard. Still very alive.

But then, is 4 years really a lot of time? It doesn't feel like it.

BSR, I don't think it was necessarily that I felt I should be graduated by now, but I did feel that if I were to contribute it needed to be from a better place than I was in. I did feel incredibly guilty having just stepped up then turning my life upside down. (sorry rest of the staff) Also, I didn't turn to you guys here because one, I sang this song already, went through it with yall the first time. I felt like a broken record. And two, the shame I felt for failing was substantial. I didn't want to talk about it anyway, with anyone.

Funny too, because failure was never on my radar to feel shame over. Failure always meant to me to get up and try again. Not something to feel bad about.

And failing at this only drove in the sense of not being good enough. Which as of late I am learning this inadequacy has been one of my biggest issues, and stumbling blocks. It's always there in my thoughts, just quiet enough to go unnoticed but still able to create an inner dialogue with myself, guiding much of what I do and why.

Every time I face something scary or hard, I realize I am telling myself I can't do it. I am becoming so much better at catching it, and asking myself, and why the fuck not??! I have already done some very hard things proving time and time again the strength and courage that lives inside of me. I don't know why in the moment I can't just recall that strength and convince myself otherwise. Still very much a work in progress. The multi layers of healing catches me off guard from time to time, that and how messy, even chaotic healing can be.

But I guess if it were easy..

I really appreciate you guys. I'm thankful to have this place to talk and be heard. Thank you for stopping by to read and offering your kind words. My heart is full of gratitude.

waitedwaytoolong posted 4/11/2020 18:00 PM

I’m going to chime in on how much help you have given to the community here. I also want to thank you for the insights you have given me that provides a viewpoint from the other side of the table. It has been so helpful and your honesty in looking at my situation has been extraordinary. Thank you

Sometimes things just don’t work out. It happens in a huge amount of relationships, and infidelity obviously will magnify any underlying issues that might be there.

Hopefully you will come to a point of peace thinking about your EX if you aren’t there already. You have helped me with that. I hate what she did, what she did to our family, how it’s affected me, but I don’t hate her.

When you get some distance from this you will feel better. It just takes time.

Not every marriage is meant to last forever. You are young and will bounce back

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 4/12/2020 07:42 AM

And while the damage turned out to be too great for us to overcome, these pages are filled with those who did survive this together. That was my hope, it was what I longed for and tried so very very hard to achieve. It crushes my heart and soul, and I feel like a complete failure. The responsibility that I take for this is substantial and I feel it every single day.

I believe that not all marriages are meant to be saved. There is a difference between reconciliation and surviving infidelity.

I have been here throughout your journey. I can tell you as an observer that you have made profound changes in your life for the better. You are not the same person that came here. You have grown through this journey and found strength that you didn’t know even existed.

Be kind to yourself. You are still human. You will have days that you doubt everything. You will also have days that you feel like you can conquer it all. You have you. Someone that has learned to look at the world through a clearer lens. Just don’t forget to ask for help when you feel like you need it. Let the people who care about you in. They can help give you that strength when you have trouble finding it yourself.

Never feel like you have failed. You are just taking a different path. Sometimes doing so leads to new and exciting discoveries.

fooled13years posted 4/13/2020 08:02 AM

foreverlabeled

I'm ready for a little emotional rest. Kinda take it easy.

If this is truly what you are looking for then

Shit timing though, with this virus. It's my luck

This virus, and the down time it provides, is a blessing not a curse.

The take it easy part will be easy for there are limited activities and opportunities available but the emotional rest is all on you.

Best of luck to you.

tushnurse posted 4/13/2020 09:51 AM

((((forever)))))

I hear a lot of healing and figuring it out going on in your post.

No need to be ashamed. You did what you did, you are fixing that, and you know that even though you did a bad thing it doesn't make you a bad person, and that you too deserve love and respect just like anyone else.

I look forward to see where your journey leads you.

foreverlabeled posted 4/13/2020 20:10 PM

WWTL, my friend, the help has been mutual. So, thank you. This whole process takes time, OMG, how I used to loathe that word. But it's true, and it's become easier to welcome. The instant gratification of relief or escape from these emotions is something that I've got a better grip on, I know better, I know what it takes. I am okay with the discomfort of the process.

You and WOES, both, "not all M's are meant to be saved" I know, I just didn't want it to be mine. It hurts. In the end like many WSs we really do want our spouses. I wanted mine. Gawd, did I.. It fucking sucks. Sometimes, I admit, I get angry with my EX. Like, why??? It really is probably for the best. I've out grown this relationship, him. ugh, my heart.

Never feel like you have failed. You are just taking a different path.

Begrudgingly taking a different path

Historically, my 'healing' was however long it took me to shove it down or compartmentalize it enough to move on and forget about it. What I've learned here, above all else is how to heal.

Having to learn what it means to face the trauma of infidelity I caused my BS and learning why it was important to take those steps to help him, lead to valuable skills to take on myself. So much of it was relatable/helpful to my own healing.

I'm passing the failure aspect, it was a powerful thought circling my everyday and I don't know how I feel about it now, but it's moved on from failure and better yet I've moved on from the shame.

I look forward to see where your journey leads you.

You and me both. This next phase is going to be a time for me of really figuring out a few things, and leveling up.