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Would you date someone who cheated in their last marriage

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

Okokok posted 3/10/2020 09:34 AM

I actually have an inkling that not only have I done this, but I actually fell in love with someone who may have cheated in their marriage. I feel absolutely wrecked by that realization(I just broke it off a week ago; see other posts about that).

I actually asked her, VERY early on and very explicitly, if her marriage ending had anything to do with her cheating on her husband (or him cheating on her). She responded with a big NO.

But piecing it all together...she did mention that, once separated (in-house), she did have a guy she was seeing. She claimed that he was more of a casual friend with benefits. She also mentioned that her ex-husband knew about the guy and was unhappy about it, but she was unwavering in her claim that they were definitely "done" before this other guy came into the picture.

From that guy, she transitioned to me. Looking back on that process, I have a strong suspicion that she started things with me before really ending things with that guy.

Then, of course, in my case, she started things with at least one other guy before ending things with *me*.

At the very least, I am certain she exhibited very fuzzy and bad boundaries. Sadly, I'll never really know the extent of it all.

Feels really awful that I ended up in that situation again.

[This message edited by Okokok at 9:41 AM, March 10th (Tuesday)]

Okokok posted 3/10/2020 09:39 AM

Following up on my post, and a better response to OP: had she told me in the beginning that she *had* cheated on her husband, I would have ended it immediately. I had great clarity about that when I was dating.

Chaos posted 3/10/2020 10:17 AM

Hell fucking no.

DevastatedDee posted 3/10/2020 11:26 AM

I know damned well that I didn't just leave one to date another, lol. Nah. No addicts either, recovering or otherwise. The really great recovering addicts are for other people who don't come with the issues I inherited from my XWH.

There are so very many people on this planet. I don't feel a need to settle if and when I feel like dating again.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 11:27 AM, March 10th (Tuesday)]

Cheatee posted 3/10/2020 14:46 PM

Nope.

But if they had a really good explanation, nope.

Then again, if their previous partner had been really bad to them and was cold as hell, nope.

Lastly, if someone had held a gun to their head and forced them to cheat, probably nope.

DevastatedDee posted 3/10/2020 16:23 PM

Cheatee, yeah, I have to admit that I'm the hypocrite who wouldn't date someone who pulled a mentally crazy DDay madhatter thing like I did either.

Kind of messed up on my part, but it is what it is. I'd also be perfectly okay with someone not wanting to date me because of that. TOTALLY get it.

Of course, if it wound up being cheater vs single for the rest of my life, well...I do enjoy my own company.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 4:23 PM, March 10th (Tuesday)]

steadychevy posted 3/10/2020 18:52 PM

Dee, I can almost sympathize with that and give it a pass. Almost, because I understand the feeling. There's a difference, too. I think you would be forthright about it where many wouldn't (generalization, I know, but it's my opinion).

Bleu posted 3/10/2020 19:03 PM

Nope.

Shehawk posted 3/10/2020 23:04 PM

No. And I would not date my can't be ex soon enough again either.

bluephoenix posted 3/11/2020 00:07 AM

No, because if it ended you knew it was because most relationships can reconcile if they work at it and never cheat again. There is maybe a small percentage that their BS didnít forgive them or want to try. However it depends on how up front and honest they are with you.

However statistics have pointed out at least 60% of marriages have had some form of infidelity so your odds of meeting someone who is divorced and cheated are greater.

Justsomeguy posted 3/11/2020 08:57 AM

I see the range of opinions go from no to HELL NO! If I was on a date and we broached the subject, finding out she was a cheater, i would ask for the cheque and leave politely. Been there, done that, wasn't fun the first time.

DevastatedDee posted 3/11/2020 11:23 AM

Dee, I can almost sympathize with that and give it a pass. Almost, because I understand the feeling. There's a difference, too. I think you would be forthright about it where many wouldn't (generalization, I know, but it's my opinion).

You're right, I'd be completely forthright about it and gladly answer any questions at all about it. Maybe if I met a guy who experienced exactly what I did and was completely open about it and I could tell he had spent as much time seriously considering his actions as I have I'd think about giving him a pass.

I guess I'm with you, I assume most people wouldn't be honest about that and that's what worries me.

Decimated posted 3/11/2020 12:58 PM

Nope!

Here is a follow up question:
What type of person would date someone they knew had cheated in the past?

My XWW was a cheater and seems to have no problem finding guys to date and live with.

Phoenix1 posted 3/11/2020 14:10 PM

My XWW was a cheater and seems to have no problem finding guys to date and live with.

She probably doesn't openly admit it, and therein lies the problem.

I found out after already being married to Xhole many years that he had cheated previously (and only found out by digging and putting pieces together after first Dday). He certainly didn't make any open confession to me about it, and I was too young, naive, and "in luv" to even think of that being a possibility since he never gave me a reason to suspect it. Even though I am older and wiser now, a smooth liar could still let it slide successfully.

The bottom line, there are no guarantees. None. Zip. If you are fully healed, take assurance in knowing that even if it does happen again, you will survive and thrive in spite of it. That is the way I look at it. I certainly don't WANT to ever go through it again, but I know I will be okay if I do. That gives me the strength to take those chances. No asshole on this planet will keep me down!

ZenMumWalking posted 3/12/2020 08:08 AM

No way.

Maudlin posted 3/14/2020 11:42 AM

Iíve been seeing a guy for a while, 6 weeks? And itís gone amazing. Like real connection.

But he told me he cheated on his ex wife a couple days ago. Now it did take a lot to admit that, given he knows my whole story. So good for that.

But I took the couple days, saw him once, it made me feel shitty. Iím moving to Vietnam. This isnt going anywhere. But we have been spending most night together. And now that I know that...I feel yucky.

I called him last night to discuss the disclosure. And I got the why he really just sort of had to cheat 🙄 so disappointing. Done.

On the bright side seeing a very cute 33 year old Air Force pilot tomorrow so...more fish and all.

No time for that. Iím sure in this wide world women wonít care,, but I fucking DO. I know there are people who value honesty and truth in this world, and I am going to find them.

He was really perfect, emotionally, u til I knew that. Iím proud of me for walking away.

ShatteredSakura posted 3/14/2020 12:24 PM

That takes guts if the guy seemed perfect.

Of course no one is perfect. Probably why a lot cheat because they can't handle loving someone and having that love include loving that person's flaws too. Warts and all as the saying goes.

I bet the guy won't reveal that to anyone else in the future unfortunately.

gmc94 posted 3/14/2020 15:16 PM

Here is a follow up question:
What type of person would date someone they knew had cheated in the past?

I knew my WH had cheated on a prior GF. I don't think I had a clue the extent of all of his shenanigans (and I suspect I still don't have the whole story, even tho I asked him for a full sexual timeline sometime in year 1).

Looking back, I'd say there were two factors that allowed me to tell myself it was "ok". The first was he was not married to the old GF - they never even lived together, and he said they had an on again, off again type deal. Doesn't make it right, but somehow in my mind I was able to justify/rationalize there being a difference between "dating" (off & on) and something serious w/committed (and verbalized) monogamy. My impression (tho I don't think I specifically asked a lot of questions) was she knew about the fact he was not monogamous (only after dday did he tell me that he doesn't think she ever knew.... funny thing is a mutual friend told the old GF we were S and the old GF said "once a cheater, always a cheater - that's why they are S", so I guess he was clueless on that front).

The other reason, which makes me sick and ashamed, is my own fucking arrogance. That I was somehow "better" so he would not cheat. Really drops the pit of my stomach to think about that. How I somehow believed that his cheating (or refusal to be monogamous) was bc of her and not him. Ugh.
So, I guess I can start calling that 2nd one another of the "learning moments" of the shitshow! I now KNOW that there is nothing about me that would prevent someone else from cheating.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 3:17 PM, March 14th, 2020 (Saturday)]

Okokok posted 3/15/2020 08:25 AM

What type of person would date someone they knew had cheated in the past?

Following up on what @gmc94 said.

My ex-WW: she cheated on me (in HIGH school!) by kissing another boy. We were teenagers. It was awful, soul-crushing, etc., but I was just a kid, didn't have the language or skills to deal well. I ended it, in a high-schooly kid way, went off to college. We re-connected a few years later, and then she was my wife of 10 years. Pushed boundaries with other men at least 3-4 times that I can recall in retrospect, and then ultimately had a full-blown affair to ride out our marriage. I ignored, missed it, minimized, whatever you want to say. I was hurting inside, but couldn't make sense of it.

So yeah, I dated and then married a cheater who had cheated on *me* previously (though in high school) and crossed my undefined boundaries a lot.

At any one of those moments, in my teens, 20s, or 30s, I could have/should have had the strength and ability to walk away forever and never look back. Why didn't I? I'd imagine a huuuuge combination of my own self-esteem, immaturity, lack of experience, lack of clear (even to myself) boundaries, fear of being alone, codependency (learning about that)...that, and confusion/lying/trickery on the part of ex-WW.

Also notable that my own father had several affairs while I was in my teens (and probably beforehand), many of which included traumatic events/episodes for me (walking in on him having sex with someone who wasn't my mom, e.g.).

Fast forward to the last couple years: I believe I have dated and fallen in love (and since broken it off with) someone who cheats on some level. Her pattern, from what I can tell, is to begin a new relationship for a period of weeks or months, laying the groundwork in secret and under the guise of "innocence," before feeling empowered to end the previous relationship.

In retrospect, these red flags were in front of me from the beginning, and I either missed them or ignored them. She was sleeping with another man while separated but living in the same house with her ex-husband (so she told me), she was clearly still receiving frantic/desperate texts from that man when she began seeing me (HUGE red flag; in retrospect, they weren't *done* enough for me to be in the picture, obviously! She literally must have "ended" it with him after meeting and sleeping with me). She would later go on to repeat this same pattern with me; keep me on the hook, explore and eventually begin seeing another man (happened twice; we got back together once).

ON THE CONTRARY:

I've also had many opportunities to date other women since my divorce. One recently divorced woman, on a first date, explicitly told me that she had cheated on (she actually used that term, didn't whitewash it at all) her husband twice in the course of their relationship. Guess what? I chose not to see her again for that reason.

~

So I know I have it in me to see a boundary and exercise it. However, that last woman was the only person I've ever met in real life who explicitly told me they cheated. Everyone else, it's an investigative game we have to play.

I wrote a lot here, and I'm not sure what I'm saying other than there seem to be many, many reasons I (and probably others like me) have ended up in relationships with people who, in retrospect, gave signals that they were unsafe partners.

Recap: self-esteem, unclear boundaries, codependency, lack of experience, fear, fuzzy info/lying/half-truths from partner(s), being a bad "investigator" all seem to play a part.

[This message edited by Okokok at 8:30 AM, March 15th (Sunday)]

nutmegkitty posted 3/15/2020 11:20 AM

No.

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