Wednesday, I asked him if he is wanting us not to talk. He hadn't been answering any of my texts. He said the only thing he would talk about is divorce. I thanked him for at least responding. He then wrote that hopes that we can work together to make this as peaceful and painless as possible, but that he cannot be my friend. I am not a friend.
I replied with: I was not a friend during my affair. I was a shitty person. I am not that shitty person anymore. I really hope one day you can see that. I hope she can have parents who are friends. I am sorry that I hurt you.
He then wrote: What you want isn't realistic. Being friends after divorce is damaging to both of us. How do we date in that scenario? No sane person would involve in that shit show.
He said he wasn't meaning he was rushing to date, he was just saying.
I told him that when he dates, I won't be asking him details, just if she is good to our daughter. I explained that maybe I am stuck in a fantasy world where we can be great co-parents who actually get along. I'm stuck there because I want this to be best for her.
He said co-parenting doesn't mean friendship.
I had to go to the bathroom to have a breakdown, after he said we can't be friends. I then took a shower and continued crying. I came out and couldn't stop. She came in my room and asked what was wrong. I told her that I just needed to cry. She tried giving me her stuffed animals. I told her that I just needed a few minutes and would be ok. Eventually I was able to stop crying. We then had this text conversation.
I said he was right and that "I just had my hopes up so high. I guess that was very stupid on my part. We spent time together. You said things that had me thinking that there could be a really good chance that maybe we could try. I know that I shouldn't have let myself think any of that, but that's all I want. I also honestly thought you wanted it too."
He said that he never recovered from the trickle truth, and he said that he was sorry.
I told him that at the time I thought I was doing what was best for everyone, but all I did was cause more pain. I said that "my biggest concern right now is our daughter. I know you keep saying she will be ok, and hopefully she will be. But I will always worry and hate myself for what I did to her. I know she will find out one day that I am the reason her parents divorced. I'm terrified of what she will feel and think. I'm terrified of what this all will do to her. Again, hopefully she will be fine, but if she's not. That's on me. I don't want to hurt her."
He told me that he will never believe that I was thinking of anyone but myself. That's part of the damage continuing to lie did.
He said that "even in that long paragraph, you were worried how her finding out, will affect you."
I said that I am terrified of what she will think and feel and what it will do to her. He apologized for reading that wrong and said "This is a good example why you shouldn't want to be with me. I will always think you're lying. So I won't give you the benefit of the doubt. Why would you want to live like that?"
I told him "I love you. I want to be with you. I know it would be like that if we actually stayed together. I would also hope at some point your doubt would lessen, and if it didn't then I would do whatever you needed me to help with that. I would also know that you would think I'm lying and question me because I caused you to think that."
He said over the next few months he was looking to buy a house if not then rent an apartment. I asked if he was looking for the same town we are in now. He said what choice does he have. Lol, I said you have a choice that doesn't require any moving, but other than that the same town. He never wrote anymore.
Thursday, before picking her up, he went to look at a trailer. When he arrived, he looked very sad and tired. While she went to her room for a minute, he looked at me and then stepped outside. He bent over and rested his head on the railing. I was about to ask him how it went, when she came out calling for me. They then left.
Yesterday morning I asked him about how it went yesterday looking at the trailer. He said it was a shitbox that didn't leak, so it'll do. I said if it was a shitbox then why would you want it. He said it would do for him. I told him but it's not just him because our daughter would live there too. He said she's 6 and doesn't need crown molding. "No, but she also doesn't need to live in a shitbox like you have described it!" Again I asked why doesn't he rent an apartment and then look since he always does great researching when buying something. He said that takes time and money, which he has neither of. He said he is starting his life over again and has to think about where he will be 15 years down the road. I asked "and you still can't see us together 15 years down the road?" He didn't say anything but did a sad and tired head shake like "I don't know."
When he got home, I was about to leave but she started begging me to stay. He said I could stay for a bit because he was going to lay down.
After he woke up, or at least came back out, she was begging me not to go. I told her that I would see her in two days and her and daddy were going to hang out all day tomorrow. Shortly after I left, he sent me a text saying "I know this isn't easy. Soon you'll will be home with her where you belong." I told him "Except it won't be home because you won't be there. She'll still be going back and forth, having to say bye to one of us."
I then asked him to please not move into a trailer. He said he wouldn't move her somewhere unsafe. I said I know he wouldn't. He said that I have nothing to worry about then, but I said I do because neither of them deserve to live in a trailer.
I'm trying not to go crazy while stuck in this apartment. When I have our daughter, I'm not going out. Trying to do the social distancing while she's with me.
I have to give my 30 day notice on April 1st. I'm not sure when or what we are going to tell our daughter. I will eventually need to start packing and she will wonder what's going on.
I feel awful for putting him here. I know he is the one keeping himself stuck, he and some here have said that, but I still feel awful. I know I can end all of this for him right now, but I also know it wouldn't completely end it all.