I too agree with Hellfire - but note, I agree with the words that, as a BS, my thoughts about your responses were the same as Hellfire's - NOT THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY THINKING. If there is one thing I have learned through all of this, there is oftentimes a big difference.
I would also add to the list of things I might think as to why you would say what you say, a few additions...but note, I am telling you this NOT to make you feel bad/worse, but to help give you INSIGHT into what your BS MIGHT be thinking when you say those things. Sometimes, coming from an outsider, it is easier to understand.
Here are some examples of how what you said could be interpreted by a BS:
If I didn't really love him, why am I still here?
If I didn't really love him, why am I still in this apartment and not back in my home
If I didn't really love him, why am I sticking around for this back and forth with him
Don't you think if I didn't love him then none of this would be happening?
I might think: fear of being alone, guilt over how bad I am feeling and about destroying my life, fear of making the wrong choice by leaving/letting him go, alleviation of guilt by trying to make me feel better in the aftermath, not wanting to be seen by me (or others) as a bad person.
What I would want to believe: My WS loves me and wants to change for themselves and for me; My WS has figured out I am really as important to them as they are to me; My WS isn't going to take me for granted anymore; My WS is afraid to lose me because they appreciate me for me and want to make me feel better so we can have a better us.
What my fears would be: That my WS was saying these things to "make it easier for me to leave" but that deep down inside he really wants me to; that he was saying these things in order to keep me on the hook a bit longer while he continues to decide whether or not he wants to stick around; that he was saying/doing these things because he is lonely and misses having someone around and I will do in the interim until he finds someone else or tires of me.
So, how do you combat this? A combinations of words and actions.
I 100% agree that when you talk about divorce, as a BS, my mind goes to my fears - that it's just an easy out (a "see, you will be happier without me so I'm doing you a favor (but secretly I want you to leave)." So, if that is not what you are feeling (and I'm not saying that you do) framing it something along these lines is better for your BS:
Instead of saying:
I told him that if I knew for certain that he would be happy in six months if we divorced, then I would let go now for him.
you could say something like this:
I don't want a divorce. At all. I am 100% committed to doing whatever it takes to make this work, if you want that too, and I am willing to let you have the time you need to come to whatever decision you want to about trying to R or divorcing. Divorce is not what I want at all, but I'm through with disrespecting your feelings, and if that is ultimately your choice, I will understand why and will respect your decision, but I'm not going anywhere unless you ask me to leave.
This conveys the same sentiment (I think - and yes it's way easier to understand what someone is trying to say when your own heart isn't so wrapped up in it), but without any uncertainty (or much less) for your BS. If I had to guess, I would think that you were trying to say "I fucked up, and if you choose to divorce me and leave, I completely understand, and because I want your happiness more than my own right now, although it would devastate me, if there was a 100% guarantee that you would completely happy not only in 6 months but forever w/out me in your life, I would leave, for you, because you deserve that and I want so much for your happiness especially in light of what I've done. While I hope that we can find happiness together, as that is what I want for us more than anything, ultimately I want you to be happy either way."
If it seems like semantics, it's because it is. That's why actions are so much easier to understand than words - because they leave much less open for interpretation - but in the fragile mental state of a BS even those get screwy, which is why it may seem to a WS, especially in the initial stages, that "nothing I do is enough" because until those little moments of consistency add up, nothing you do in the moment is enough.
This is why you have to keep doing the things you think would help - the things you think would be enough - the whole pile of little things have the best chance of adding up over time to being "enough" because they show consistency and longstanding desire - both of which a BS desperately needs in order to move forward with their WS if they can.
If you decide to sit on the couch and watch tv when your spouse comes home from work and say nothing, instead of getting up and hugging them or even simply saying "hello" then the actions are showing your spouse that they are less important to you than watching tv in that moment. And let's face it - sometimes that is the case. I loved my WH madly - I looked forward to seeing him every day for years and ALWAYS said "hey there!" when he came home, at a bare minimum - but I recall a time when I was watching a sporting event on TV and it was an intense moment in the match and I was glued to the TV and he walked in the door and I didn't acknowledge him coming in (heck, I hardly noticed he came in - I was enthralled with what I was watching)...and while I didn't love him any less at that moment, that action showed in that moment that what I was doing was more important to me than saying hello to him. What it didn't show is that he was less important to me in general than my television. But when you are a BS, all that gets mixed up.
Somehow after dday, my WH not saying hello to me immediately when I walked in the door because he was in the middle of paying a bill online and was in the home-office became a personal affront - it was evidence that I was not that important to him, when the reality was that action alone did nothing to support that premise. But my BS mind went there immediately, because, his actions via the A had previously shown that I was not that important to him, so I took everything he did as validation of that internal negative feeling that I had. Everything he did that could negatively support that premise, I interpreted that way, for a long time. That was the work I had to do for me - to stop that crap.
I could go on and on and I'm sorry this is so long, but I think it is a fundamental tenement of the difficulties between BS and WS when trying to R. I would suggest, even if you are not a big self-help reader (I'm not one myself) to look up on youtube an excerpt from Brenee Brown - she talks about "the story I tell myself" when reacting to what someone does or says (I think you can actually search Brenee Brown and that quote and find that piece of her talk) - and it's very illustrative of what I'm saying here.
[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 11:08 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)]