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Numb41 (original poster new member #70454) posted at 7:42 PM on Wednesday, February 12th, 2020
Haven’t posted in a while. Sorry, if it’s all over the place, just need to clear my head. It’s been a year and 6 months since dday, separated from stbxww11 months now. 3 months ago I moved across country for work. I was doing good, great actually, building a new life in the city of my dreams, my self confidence was amazing, stbxww had finally agreed to a uncontested divorce. But, a month and a half ago my younger brother died by suicide...can’t even describe the heartbreak and shock. We were very close and the guilt is eating me alive. I sometimes get angry that he left me and other times I understand his decision, I bounce between the two every moment. I think of what I could have done to save him, but nothing will bring him back. I think of him every day and miss him dearly. my soul longs for him. It feels like a part of me is missing. I am dealing with so much right now and have to be strong for my parents, at the same time dealing with a divorce and a stressful job. Stbxww made contact after 6 months of no contact to offer support, but now she is using this to try and reconnect, says we should take things slow, put off the divorce, but at the same time telling me how I’m messing up my life, how much I need her in my life and how our marriage failed because of me. Need to say, I will be going no contact again soon because she is just doing my head in. There are days when I fell like im going crazy, also days when I just don’t give a f#*k about anything...just on auto pilot ...waiting for better days
Chrysalis123 ( member #27148) posted at 11:16 AM on Thursday, February 13th, 2020
Oh my goodness, I am so so sorry for the loss of your brother.
Many people say grief support groups are immensely helpful. I'm glad you reached out here at SI.
More will be along soon.
Someone I once loved gave me/ a box full of darkness/ It took me years to understand/ That this, too, was a gift. - Mary Oliver
Just for the record darling, not all positive changes feel positive in the beginning -S C Lourie
Lalagirl ( member #14576) posted at 12:11 PM on Thursday, February 13th, 2020
I am so sorry for your loss, Numb; losing a loved one to suicide brings on so much emotion. Please consider therapy to help you cope - no shame in that.
As far as your STBXW is concerned, I implore you to stay on your path to D. Someone who uses your emotional vulnerability to try to weasel her way out of D is a special kind of twisted and someone who you should stay as far away from as possible. Please go NC TODAY - not soon.
Sending strength...
Lala
2025: Me-59 FWH-61 Married 41 years grown daughters- 41 & 37. 1 GS,11yo GD & 9yo GD (DD40); Five grands ages 15 to 8. D-day #1-1/06; D-day #2-3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant
Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 12:00 AM on Friday, February 14th, 2020
I think of what I could have done to save him
Brother, there's nothing you could have done to have saved him. I've known way too many people in my life who committed suicide. One woman in particular called me the night before to say goodbye (although I had no idea at the time). I wracked my brain for years trying to figure out if there was anything at all that I could have done. So, too, did the rest of her (our) friends ponder what, if anything they could have done.
There's nothing you could have done. Nothing. People come to believe that they've run out of options and life is simply too painful to keep on keeping on. I wish it wasn't that way, but it is.
I'm so very sorry about your brother. I can only imagine how hard that hits, how much you miss him and how much you'll miss him for the rest of your life. Losses like that don't go away. We don't "get over it." Again, I'm truly sorry, brother.
I'd highly, highly recommend joining a real life support group (not internet, in person). Talk to a grief therapist. Trust me. I didn't think I needed that after my mother died. I was wrong. Very wrong.
Again, sorry for your loss.
Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022
"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown
BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 3:02 AM on Friday, February 14th, 2020
I have no words, but suicide is a beast. I am so sorry. (((Hugs)))
Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)
**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **
J707 ( member #63778) posted at 4:05 PM on Friday, February 14th, 2020
I'm so sorry about your brother. My brother committed suicide 22 years ago. I tried for years to tell myself if I would've done this or would've done that maybe this wouldn't have happened. I came to the point where I accepted that it happened and there was nothing I could have done. You learn to live with it. We still grieve on his Birthdays and the day he died, it passes though. I'm sorry. A grief IC might be good.
As far as your stbx, stay the course.
wildbananas ( member #10552) posted at 8:46 PM on Friday, February 14th, 2020
I lost my older brother to suicide 12 years ago. Please, find some support for you, no matter what that looks like to you (friends, grief group, therapist, whatever). Losing a sibling (I've lost both of mine) is so different from losing a parent (I've lost them, too). Sibling loss often gets overlooked as the hit it really is. Finding people who understand is important and so helpful.
I'm very sorry.
Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan
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