Phcj123 posted 1/23/2020 22:59 PM

My husband cheated and left me 4 months ago and I have been online dating. I thought I figured out how horrible some people can be but tonight I am fuming. A guy msg me Monday and we had a very brief conversation and he asked me out for tonight. He seemed and looked very nice and honestly he was not that cute but something attracted me. I was really excited for the date. Didn’t hear from him all day so at 4pm I texted him and he wrote back that hes sorry but he completely forgot and can we reschedule. We changed to Monday but now i just feel awful. I had been looking forward to the date and he forgets in 2 days !?

On top of that I have been talking to another guy long distance every day for over a month and he finally said he’s coming to visit in feb. I asked if he will stay to hang on the weekend and his response was “that’ll be tough, my weekends are full of activities and responsibilities”. What the heck! Now I feel completely worthless and unimportant. Tomorrow is my bday and tonight is the first night I cried in a while. Why do people suck!?

DashboardMadonna posted 1/24/2020 01:37 AM

At only four months from D-Day, I cant imagine anything good coming of that, if I am to be honest.

That initial guy, you spoke to- probably cheating...cant help it, I am jaded and a lot of these sites are loaded with what we have been through.

You're vulnerable and those sites are also loaded with predators, with criminal backgrounds.

Admittedly, not long after DD, I logged into a couple of those (looking for my SA STBX husband...good times) and noticed a large amount of gang-banging thugs, in my area. Not surprising, considering where I live.

You have to wonder why they are there and I believe there is good reason. A lot of them probably have personality disorders/"sex addicts" (cheating on their wives)...I found that swinger sites are fucking loaded with them (where I linked my SA STBX). No surprises there.

I know I sound glib, but based on what I've seen, celibacy is a good option. Unicorns are rare.

With that said, I cant come up with better options... I like to go dancing and well, the bar is filled with predatory types....lol No surprises there, either.

[This message edited by DashboardMadonna at 2:20 AM, January 24th (Friday)]

somejaykid posted 1/24/2020 06:36 AM

4 months? And you already looking to meet someone? I don't know your story yet but that's way way too early in my opinion I get some people heal faster than others but you're just asking for some heart ache and it's not fair for the other person if you're still broken

Phcj123 posted 1/24/2020 07:03 AM

somejaykid, I Have been ready to move on. Have been in therapy and topics have moved off the ex and to dating. Have been doing really well but got very frustrated when this all happened yesterday. Not looking to jump in to a relationship obviously but just looking to meet new people and have fun.

LoveTKO posted 1/24/2020 07:37 AM

just looking to meet new people and have fun

You don't have to go on online dating to meet people and have fun. Find something that you enjoy (for me it's live local music, for a friend it was skiing) and go out and do it! I've met so many new friends, both male and female and there is no pressure to date. Men don't define you. If I were you, I would just have fun for awhile without the pressure of dating. You are still fragile after 4 mos.

WhoTheBleep posted 1/24/2020 07:51 AM

Another vote for "way too soon for you to be dating."

You need to get to a stronger place. You need to be happy single, or else you will attract the wrong man.

I was only on online dating for a couple of weeks before meeting SO, but any man that acted even the slightest bit flaky, as you have described, got immediately deleted and blocked. (There were maybe 3 of them. and this was just through very brief messaging. We hadn't even met.) No way was I going to tolerate that after what I had been through.

You need to get to that point. Know who you are. Know what you deserve. And do not internalize their flakiness. The fact that you are so upset by this shows you are not ready to date. You hadn't even met these men yet.

Take a step back and breathe. Do things with your friends and family. Meet new people through activities. Do not even think about dating at this point. Be selfish. Do things just for yourself. Don't rush anything. You've been through hell. Healing takes time.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 7:52 AM, January 24th (Friday)]

Phcj123 posted 1/24/2020 08:09 AM

LoveTKO, did you go alone or with friends ? Most of my friends are married with kids so it’s hard to make plans to do things. We occasionally have girls nights out which are fun. I was thinking of doing a solo vacation somewhere. I would never have even thought of doing something like that before all this happened. But times have changed haha! I have also been doing workout classes but it’s hard to meet people through that.

AnnieOakley posted 1/24/2020 13:45 PM

I agree completely, if you are this upset over two guys you have not even met in person I suggest you are not ready to date.

Feeling worthless and unimportant? They do not warrant such a strong reaction. Four months is a very short time.

I was single for a year after my D. Dated someone for 3 and have been single for almost 15 months. I just started on line dating for the first time EVER and I’m just LOL at some of these people!

Date yourself or at the very least keep your expectations realistic.

I had one guy tell me he met 80 women in two years, yes 80 (!!!) before he met a women that he dated for a few years. Yes. He’s single again. And was misleading in his profile about having 3 teenagers. His profile said 50/50. Really sole custody. I have no children. Boom. Mic drop. Lying in your profile. Done.

Plus the guy that I researched, found him, and he is really unemployed vs. what his profile says. When he gave me his cell number I Politely pointed that out to him and said no thanks. Hmmm. He did not respond.

Step back... heal some more and soon you will be able to LOL too.

Phcj123 posted 1/24/2020 13:58 PM

AnnieOakley, I posted this last night after having some drinks. I had gone out with friends after he cancelled and probably was not a good idea. I feel fine today but realized you need to have NO expectations on these apps. I had convinced myself this guy was a certain way and so was completely caught off guard when he forgot.

You never know who you are talking to ! I had planned a date with one guy and when I googled his number his mugshot came up for stealing money from customers. So scary!!

WhoTheBleep posted 1/24/2020 15:08 PM

realized you need to have NO expectations on these apps. I had convinced myself this guy was a certain way and so was completely caught off guard when he forgot.

Phcj123, right there, you nailed it! Good girl!

At four months out, go easy on the booze. You are so vulnerable right now, it will only bring you down. Ask me how I know... (((Hugs)))

I'm glad you went out with your friends. I hope you had fun!! Lean on them, and nurture those relationships. My friends and family literally got me through the worst of the worst after D-Day. I leaned heavily on all of them. And they did not falter.

Baby steps. I said you've been through hell. But at 4 months out, you are still in the thick of hell. You might feel that way for two whole years or more. Or you could turn a corner a few months from now. But you'll know when it happens. you will feel inner peace and your energy that you put out to the world will completely change. You will feel like you are glowing from the inside out. Then you will be ready for whatever comes next!!

Congrats on your upcoming new chapter!!

nekorb posted 2/5/2020 19:04 PM

I’m going to echo the others who have said it is waaaay too early to be in the online dating pool.

Nothing good will come of this, as you are already seeing.

Incarnate posted 2/5/2020 19:18 PM

Sooooo...

Here's my perspective.

I thinkt hat, yeah, 4 months i pretty soon. I'm only just about 6 months out (Valentine's Day will be 6 months) and I've been on OLD off and on for about 5 months. I haven't been sending messages, but I've been looking, refining what I like, figuring out the scene, what kind of people are on which apps, etc.

I asked a woman out the other day and I got an enthusiastic "I would love to!" but she's leaving on a trip with her mom and kids for a week that day, so we're rainchecking it.

The first woman I talked to ghosted me.

The second woman I talked to I felt no attraction towards, so I politely ended our chats.

I've flirted a little in person, with mixed results, gotten a few numbers but no responses.

This lady I'm talking to now, she's a little older than me (5 years), owns her own business, has 4 kids, and is divorced. We're clicking pretty good. I sort of take issue with the "Oh no it's been too short of time you HAVE to wait X number of months until even THINKING of dating!"

I've been married to a gaslighting cheater for 17 years. She's the ONLY person I've ever slept with. She still holds those particular associations with me. I think that having a relationship with someone else, both emotional, intellectual, and physical, will help me sever those strings and move me into my next phase of healing.

If you feel ready and you can move forward in a healthy manner, I say go for it. But, keep in mind, I'm only 6 months out from my DDay 2.

Phcj123 posted 2/5/2020 21:23 PM

Incarnate, actually closer to same time as you as d-day was sept 13. Feel like I am kinda in the same boat as you. Have not gone on really any dates. Just testing the waters and seeing what is out there. I had no clue how the whole online dating scene was because I never did it. Now that I know what goes on I know not to have any expectations. Besides what happened with the guy I mentioned in my post, I have been having fun just talking to people. I don’t think there should be a time threshold on when you can date. Everyone heals differently. I am 100% over my ex. I know I’m ready to date but I just need to be more aware of the red flags and move on when noted.

Incarnate posted 2/5/2020 21:57 PM

I -did- hear one comparison I really liked.

You may be out of the car wreck, but your leg is still broken. You might not be able to walk yet, even if you're out of the hospital and sitting at home. You might need a cast and crutches for a while. If you feel up to moving, by all means, but don't rush it, lest you heal slowly or badly.

It seemed apt.

EllieKMAS posted 2/6/2020 07:00 AM

Nother peanut in the gallery saying to pump the brakes. 4 months IMHO is way too soon to be dating. My last dday was over 6 months ago and I am not even considering dating.
I personally won't ever partake of OLD again because that is where I met the exdouche. Kinda turned me off of it forever cus it's just too damn easy for shady fuckers to make themselves look good.
As far as meeting people, have you looked into meetup groups? My area has tons of different ones; bar crawls, dancing, hiking, biking, etc. There's something for just about any activity you can think of. When I'm ready to start dealing with humanity again, that's the route I plan to take. Not gonna go out specifically looking to 'date' but instead just to meet other humans with common interests.
I think that people often jump into romantic relationships when what they really want/need are friendships. It's worth it to take the time being free of romantic entanglement. Just my 0.02.