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Newly broken

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TheGuy123 posted 1/16/2020 20:08 PM

What is she going to do to make you feel that you have a safe partner and won't do this again? What is she going to do to affair proof the M from here on out?

If you don't want to know about the sexual details, how do you know you can even be sexually combatable in the future?

How many times has she had affairs in the last 22yrs? Is she willing to take a polygraph? If you really want to know were your old ladies head is at then spy on her. Check her phone, track her car, record her conversations, and hack her computer. she very well could be telling you one thing and acting completely different when you aren't around. Going James Bond On her butt just might tell you the direction you need to go.

Your relationship with your old lady will never be the same.

A few things I know for sure....chicks dig confident men. Folks cherish what they have to work for, so don't let her off, make her work for it and piss her off...see how bad she wants this marriage.

At the end of the day....if this was all about the sex it's time she put away that pure/respectable wife image and show you who she really is. I mean after 22yrs of playing this role she has to be tired of all the acting?

But the reality is she was emotionally attached, and like all ice burgs there is more below the surface then what your wife is telling you!

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 8:28 PM, January 16th (Thursday)]

Mene posted 1/16/2020 20:50 PM

She’s a pretty bad liar, too. If she only had the ONS as she claimed three years ago, you would have got that STD three years ago. You would have experienced symptoms back then. The “boyfriend” picked up the STD probably in the last year screwing someone else and passed the gift on to your wife.

Look, the advice I give to people who go through the infidelity trauma and don’t have children is to divorce. You’re also young. You’ll find a woman that will treat you respectfully and love you. She doesn’t love you, dude. Sorry, she actually considers you her plan B. Sexually and otherwise. Get out of infidelity and make yourself Plan A for another woman.

You may also just have the tip of the iceberg regarding her infidelities.

[This message edited by Mene at 8:52 PM, January 16th (Thursday)]

Dranth posted 1/17/2020 15:07 PM

Quick Update:

Over this last week, while she has been at her parents, I have been putting together an outline of all the thoughts, feelings, questions that have been running through my head. There is a big part of me that wants to sit her down when she gets home, have her read a curated version of it line by line (not going to share some stuff with her at all right now) and go over every thought, emotion and question I have put down. Get answers, her “reasons”, what the hell she was thinking. Be able to look at her as she reads them and responds, see if she really understands the truth of where we are now and what she has done to me and our life.

There is another part of me that feels like she doesn’t deserve to know or have any access to my thoughts or emotions. She has absolutely forfeited that right until such a time as I deem otherwise, if ever. That no matter how badly I want to know it isn’t worth engaging her.

Maybe both sides are right. Maybe I just want to do this so I have some answers. Maybe I just want to get out some of the pain. Maybe I just need something to help make some sense of even part of this or maybe I want to see if the person I thought I married is anywhere still in there or if they never existed at all.

I know people keep saying the 180 is the first thing that really needs to be done and I can see why, but how does something like this fit in? It seems like the need for answers, the need to make them understand what they have done and the pain they have caused is counterproductive to the whole process of the 180.

Hell, maybe I am over thinking the whole thing.

Either way I plan on asking her for a detailed timeline when she gets back. If I ever need it, it is there. If I decide there is no way in hell I am staying, I can always burn it and leave it in the past and move on with my life.

I do know one thing, if I do go through with the "sit down" and she even once turns this on me I am done.

Any advice on what others did would be appreciated.

Thanks again.

beenthereinco posted 1/17/2020 15:24 PM

Some people have found it very useful to do exactly what you are doing with this script of things for her to read as they find it hard to have a conversation without getting too emotional and having it go off the rails. I wish I had done that with my WW as well because invariably the conversation would finish in screaming and then I would think later of all of the things I wanted to say and didn't.

Stumblingon posted 1/17/2020 16:24 PM

I understand your need to make sense of all this. It’s such a rollercoaster through hell that you are desperate to make sense of it. Ultimately though there is no explanation that will make this all right. Take your time to heal and give yourself the kindness you deserve.

redwing6 posted 1/18/2020 16:10 PM

For almost half your marriage, your wife had a lover. She did not end the affair because she realized that what she was doing was despicable. She had to disclose to you in a panic because she knew that she had infected you.
She betrayed you for years. After the panic confession, she still trickle-truthed you in a pathetic attempt to minimize her transgressions. A ONS 3 years ago became instead a semi-monthly regular booty call.

In this extreme situation, I would recommend that you simply divorce her and move on. How can she possibly regain your trust? How can your relationship continue with your wife after she stole off into the night to have sex with another man and then came back to your bed before you missed her? You can and will find someone else.

Much as I hate to say it, this is the best advice you can get. Your wife cheated on you for years. Get a lawyer and get out while you can. A couple of things you CAN do that will help you in the long run.

1. Get IC
2. Join a gym. (physical exercise seems to help many people who are in our shoes)
3. Separate your finances now. Cancel CC's etc.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you, but you CAN turn this into a not entirely negative experience, but it's going to take a lot of time and hard work. You can get beyond this.

redwing6 posted 1/18/2020 16:55 PM

You should go nuclear and tell your families what she did, including giving you an STD. She needs to feel the full wrath coming down on her. Then you should kick her out if you can. That is just for starters.

This is very good advice. Make sure you explain that you are divorcing her becuase she gave you and STD. This is what I would do. I kicked my 1st wife to the curb after the 2nd Dday.

KingofNothing posted 1/20/2020 09:14 AM

Any update, Dranth?

Dranth posted 1/20/2020 13:52 PM

Nothing yet. She is due back from her parents tonight. May talk then or more likely tomorrow depending on how I feel.

I will say I've never wanted to work on myself more than I do now so I am trying to embrace that. Even if everything else sucks that is something I can control.

I'll try and update when I have more.

Thanks everyone.

Dranth posted 1/21/2020 10:30 AM

So, we talked for a long-time last night and in the end it all boils down to she doesn’t know.

She did it for reasons she doesn’t even understand. Says she felt guilty and hated herself but it made her feel wanted so she did it and kept going back for more. That she was able to separate the two lives and one had nothing to do with the other and they would never intertwine. That she loves me more than anything but somehow, she would compartmentalize the two existences and shut one off/out while dealing with the other. That it was the fantasy of it that was what drew her not the reality.

Basically, she was able to do it by not thinking about it. Not thinking about what would happen. Me finding out was something that was never going to happen so she didn’t entertain that thought.

I believe that she believes all of this but it sounds like the most selfish, pile of horse ^$%# someone could feed themselves to justify their behavior and avoid the pain of looking closer at what is wrong with them. I am beginning to think that at the end of the day, she was just a bad person.

She went on to apologize and call herself all kinds of names. Said she it has opened her eyes to what she had and what she really wants. That she will beg me to give us a chance.

She is willing to give me anything I want in a divorce if we go that direction and will sign anything now to ensure that. She will do anything at all I ask and wait as long as it takes. She seems genuine and claims that more than anything she doesn’t want to be a crappy person anymore. She wants to figure things out and to be better. That she hates who and what she is and has done.

Maybe that is true, maybe it isn’t. I honestly can’t tell right now. My head is still spinning. I range from so pissed off that I am ready to end it immediately and send my STD lab results to everyone we know in the mail with a note saying “Look what my wife got me!” to being downright insulted by her inability to understand consequences before taking an action. The fact that she couldn’t put herself in my shoes and make a decision based off how it would make me feel and instead shoved it aside and filled whatever selfish need she had pisses me off.

Honestly, I am a bit lost at the moment. I’m not making a decision despite wanting to because I can’t tell where it is coming from but man do I want to get away when I think about what she has done. I just feel like every moment with her is a moment taken away from the rest of my life. Even if everything she says about what she wants to be/to do going forward is true, I just don’t know that it is enough at this point.

Curious9 posted 1/21/2020 10:42 AM

I would start here.
"She is willing to give me anything I want in a divorce if we go that direction and will sign anything now to ensure that."

Get the divorce and see if she will really follow through with that. It doesn't mean you both cant work on your relationship but at the very least she would be demoted to girlfriend instead of wife.

You can take all the time you need while the divorce is going on to figure out if you really want any thing more to do with her.

sorryforeverythi posted 1/21/2020 10:45 AM

That's rough. My initial thought is leave her and start over. But true remorse is a step.

I don't know it's a lot to over come. I would recommend you find a therapist that would work with her and set up an appointment. I would go with her to the first appointment and lay it all out to them. I would also have your wife sign away her privacy rights and allow the therapist to discuss with you what he thinks. This might be a bit of overkill but I doubt that people are totally honest with their therapists in situations like this but at least you gave it a go.

Her lies were incessant, she betrayed you to your core. I doubt you will ever be able to fully trust her but your life is your life.

Call a lawyer get an agreement set up and have her come to his office to sign it with a notary so you have that if it doesn't work out.

I am conflicted on this advice but it gives you an option you might not have thought of.

Odonna posted 1/21/2020 10:56 AM

This is just so awful, isn’t it? But you do not have to rush, you know. Time will be your ally either way.

But she has to STOP lying right now. The best thing now is to order “How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair” by Linda MacDonald, a pointed pithy primer on what she needs to DO now. Read it yourself first, for insight, and give her a short deadline to read it and come talk with you. She needs to put together a timeline (which you may polygraph her on at some point) and line up a therapist for herself who is skilled in treating unfaithful spouses.

If she can stop lying and minimizing and truly be truthful, time my show you both a way to save the marriage. Or not. But either way you will know you threw all the necessary effort and resources at it. If you have to let go in the end,that will make it easier.

KingofNothing posted 1/21/2020 12:17 PM

So, we talked for a long-time last night and in the end it all boils down to she doesn’t know.

A few points. One, I don't really accept the classic "I don't know" as an answer. She is a grown-ass woman, in control of her mental faculties. She knew exactly what she was doing when she was doing it, and would STILL be doing it if she didn't give you an illness that will inevitably be impossible for her to deny.

That she loves me more than anything but somehow, she would compartmentalize the two existences and shut one off/out while dealing with the other. That it was the fantasy of it that was what drew her not the reality.

That's a pretty common response.. "I was compartmentalizing.." loving my spouse in one compartment but seeking thrills in another compartment. Respectfully, nope. A wife who loved you more than anything would never do this, never expose your health to danger, your psyche to being shattered by infidelity. Anyone in their right mind would not have done that. That's basically saying acts of unbelievable cruelty are "okay" if put in a little psychological niche. Don't believe this garbage for a second.

I believe that she believes all of this but it sounds like the most selfish, pile of horse ^$%# someone could feed themselves to justify their behavior and avoid the pain of looking closer at what is wrong with them. I am beginning to think that at the end of the day, she was just a bad person.

You know? Sometimes your gut instinct is 100% on target. Of course she believes it.. how else can she being to justify her horrible decisions to herself. Never mind you, the victim here.. this is what SHE has to say to herself to somewhat justify adultery.

She went on to apologize and call herself all kinds of names. Said she it has opened her eyes to what she had and what she really wants. That she will beg me to give us a chance.

Yeah, yeah, I remember those self-flagellating theatrics very well. Be sure that she clarifies what "giving us a chance" means in her thinking. Does it mean "stay married and try to forget the whole thing? Does it mean "reconcile and build a new marriage based on trust"? The thing is, you should be defining what "giving us a chance is", not her. And it might mean "no chance at all". She has to know that.

She is willing to give me anything I want in a divorce if we go that direction and will sign anything now to ensure that. She will do anything at all I ask and wait as long as it takes.

That is at least hopeful. She is at this stage overwhelmed, herself, about the magnitude of her own deceit and the major damage she has done to you. She has literally destroyed the handy compartment about being in a faithful marriage that respected wedding vows. She's definitely in a remorse fog.

Maybe that is true, maybe it isn’t. I honestly can’t tell right now. My head is still spinning. I range from so pissed off that I am ready to end it immediately and send my STD lab results to everyone we know in the mail with a note saying “Look what my wife got me!”

Don't rule that one out. You don't exactly owe her courtesy or discretion. I suspect that is what she is hoping for by being so accommodating at this stage. Look, your wife did an awful thing and there's no getting around it. I don't want to be one of these guys on the DIVORCE HER NOW train. Life isn't that simple. You are the ultimate arbiter here and you don't owe her a rapid decision about your marriage's future. Take some time to think... she sure seems remorseful to me from what you have written. Yet, reconciliation after years and years of casual sex with another guy will be very challenging. I would have serious, serious anger issues (believe me, I know this). I would have extreme difficulty getting to the point where I was confident trusting her ever again. I sure as hell would have extreme difficulty feeling intimate with her any more. That's the down side. The up side is, well, she's your wife. Or maybe used to be.. it seems like that woman has changed a lot.

Newlifeisgreat posted 1/21/2020 12:25 PM

Divorce her and if you want, date her. Make sure she goes back to her maiden name.

See a lawyer ASAP!!

faithfulman posted 1/21/2020 12:46 PM

As stated a few posts above, a good move might be to divorce her then see if she walks the walk after she has lost the life you had together.

But first...

I would investigate all of her phones, computers, emails, etc. AND THEN have her take a polygraph.

Because you want to know if this is "just" the past 3 years, or a longer period of your marriage/relationship, or your entire time together.

Why?

What if you divorce her over the things she did over the past 3 years, then decide to give her a chance, but meanwhile, she held out on the other 5 waiters she was banging?

***

Probably the best advice of all is divorce her and remove her from your life permanently.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 1:05 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

SlapNutsABingo posted 1/21/2020 12:52 PM

Have you considered a separation right now to clear your head and help with the 180?

Happenedtome2 posted 1/21/2020 13:17 PM

Sorry to jump in here so late, but you are handling this like a champ.

Have her sign off on any terms you want in the divorce NOW while she is still "confused". Have her do it in front of a notary if at all possible so she cannot say it was done under pressure.
Go from there. Even if you decide not to divorce, you have this ready to go.

You asked what made some of us decide to R or D. My DDay thread is in my signature so you can see what went down.

What made me decide to R was mainly my kids. It was a wrong way of thinking, but my W, after fumbling, lying etc... started doing the work to fix things, as did I. We had problems within our marriage that were never discussed openly. She had sexual interests that I was not aware of because she hid them out of embarrassment. She found someone who was into some of the same things (although POSOM's were far worse ). When everything came out in the open, and at AND against so much advice here I decided to try R.

It has been a slow process. There have been setbacks and triggers that have sent me reeling. In the back of my mind though, and she knows this, if there is another A of any kind there will be no warning, no further R and no do over. That will be my deal breaker.

Only YOU can decide what your deal breaker is.

hansvoleman posted 1/21/2020 13:18 PM

but man do I want to get away when I think about what she has done

I am so sorry to read your update, Dranth. Her explanations, apologies and expressions of emotion all serve to drag you back to that place where for 20 plus years youve considered her wishes. Your statement above is the healthiest direction you can move in.

Once learned its hard to see how a peron unlearns compartmentalisation. My wife has borderline from childhood trauma. As a result she remembers nothing of her childhood beyond fragments. What she does have though is an ability to behave incredibly badly, lock the memories and emotions away and to never learn from them. It's instinctive and impossible for me to know when she has done it. What I get quite often are the lies when she does not want to recall something.

It's a tough call and only one that can work if your wife acknowledges the extent of the issue and position it puts you in

Walkingthewire posted 1/21/2020 13:19 PM

We are in the process of reconciliation.
I decided to stay because I love him.
We have been together for almost 18 years. 2 kids, one with serious health complications. I mulled over and over this decision before agreeing to it. Total transparency is required. Communication is super important.
you both need IC and eventually MC.
No one can make the D vs R decision except you. This is a really shitty position she's put you in. I'm sorry you are here. Hell, I'm sorry we are all here.

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