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Newly broken

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Clocktower posted 1/15/2020 07:43 AM

It is possible for individuals to have sex with a third party while still loving their SO.

Yes, of course it is -- and to most normal people, that's an unfair and intolerable situation.

I'm sorry you're in this mess and hope you can find peace.

sorryforeverythi posted 1/15/2020 07:56 AM

Sorry that this happened to you. It sucks, welcome to the club that no one wants to join as we say here.

It sucks, pure and simple. I was there, we all were there.

Time will heal it but it sucks. What worked for me, I am only a few weeks ahead of you. I found out 12/22/19.

If you use google open a word document and spew all you feel. Do it whenever you need to.

I am a writer and have been working on a book for months, I have 81k words written on my book.
When I found out about the affair

I have written 90k words in the past three weeks. It helps, just say what you feel.

I write that I miss her, I write that I hate her, I write down every emotion that I have and it fills the page. Getting out helps.

I pray every day. I pray when I know I am hurting, I pray when I need strength. I pray to help me get through the day.

I am not religious, I have had a strained relationship with god for years.

I ask him to forgive me and to help me.
It works. You can doubt it but try it.

Talk to your friends and family. They will all tell you the same thing but you can get your feelings out in a safe place.

You know its bad, you know she's a liar.

I watch a ton of youtube videos. A Canadian psychologist particularly. Do a search for betrayal and you will find many resources out there.

I would tell you to use the healing library but whenever I click the link it takes me to the faq so maybe it works for you, if it does use it.

I am in the camp that your relationship is over, let it die, it died the moment she decided that cheating on you was worth the price.

You were the price. That's how little she valued you.

it sucks but most likely the truth.

Its ok to mourn the loss, you will go through the seven stages of grief, watch homer simpson go through it, it might make you smile.

Your world has been blown up, you question the past and your question the present and you question the future.

What I did was understand that I was lied to at the end and cheated on, so most likely I was lied to through the whole relationship and probably cheated on as well.

I framed my world to understand that if you are given bad data you will have a bad outcome.
She gave you bad data and your good heart made choices based off of faulty information.

You didn't deserve it and you will never understand why.

The simple answer is:
She wanted to, and you didn't matter to her because she is broken, not you.

Stay strong, keep coming back as long as you need to and when you are ready you can share your insights to the next guy that "just found out on friday" it sad but every day I see new people join.

And we all need each other because Betrayal is the seventh ring of hell and without all of us, its hard to see the light.

KingofNothing posted 1/15/2020 09:58 AM

The really sad/pathetic part? I believe her. I believe her when she says she wouldnít do it again. It is almost like the realization that I am 9/10ths of the way out the door was a wakeup call. Somehow, she finally understands we may be done.
.

Of course she gets it, now. Nothing like the consequences of giving a partner an incurable disease to clear the fog of an affair away. I can't imagine someone wrecking a marriage so completely as this. She has to understand the magnitude of her decisions, now.

Says she will do anything, absolutely anything.

Is absolutely anything even enough any more? Is it even attractive?

I actually love to see people find a reason to reconcile and rebuild trust after a lot of work, but.. wow. Three years is only the part you know about, right now.

Reread Mr. Voleman's excellent post above. That's what you need to hear right now. Work on yourself, and your needs and self image now. Stop the self-loathing. You don't have to hate her but man, how this could possibly be reconciliation material is beyond my meager powers of comprehension.

OBTW, check this out.

This is the Derek Jeter Herpes tree. He gave full bore Herpes to the women in the top row, and they passed it on to their subsequent partners (third row) and so on and so on.

Every single one of those "beautiful people" deal with what you (might be/are) dealing with. Some of them (Jessica Alba among others) have been seen in pharmacies picking up their treatment meds-- to the delight of gossip networks. They've made adjustments and found love again. Scarlett Johansen just got engaged to one of the Weekend Update hosts (Colin Jost) so it hasn't slowed her down. You can have a life after this.

Also, here's a breakdown about the law about knowingly transmitting an STD to a partner, state by state. Just so you know.

https://www.criminaldefenselawyer.com/resources/transmitting-std-criminal-laws-penalties.htm#states

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 10:02 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)]

Dismayed2012 posted 1/15/2020 13:07 PM

Sorry to hear about your situation Dranth

Please consider that if she hadn't realized that she had an STD, she'd still be spreading her legs for the other man; her confession has nothing to do with sudden guilt over what she was doing. Realize that she enjoyed the sex, the attention, and whatever other perks she got out of it; all cheaters lie about this. Also know that her current actions are brought out by her fear of losing her meal ticket. It has nothing to do with a sudden increase in love for you or any true remorse that she miraculously obtained. Also realize that now that your wife has tainted your marriage, you'll always know what she is and you'll likely always be wondering if/when she'll do it again.

You have two goals in all of this. 1. Get out of infidelity, and 2. Take your life back. You need to do whatever it takes in order to accomplish these. You do it for your own sanity and future happiness. Take care of yourself. I wish the best for you.

Westway posted 1/15/2020 13:56 PM

3 f-ing weeks and she is trying to tell me how much she loves me now and wants to make it work. How much the last few years have made her closer to me than ever. How the F is that even possible? How can someone have sex with someone else for years with increased frequency over that time and feel closer to the person they are cheating on?

When those feel-good cheating chemicals are coursing through a cheater's brain they love everybody. Your WW was hot for her lover, for you...probably hot for the cat. Fucking you after she fucked him just magnified the feel-goods. It feels good to have a steady husband loving you, and a naughty lover on the side having the hots for you. It feels good.

That's why.

You should go nuclear and tell your families what she did, including giving you an STD. She needs to feel the full wrath coming down on her. Then you should kick her out if you can. That is just for starters.

Stumblingon posted 1/15/2020 14:15 PM

What a horrible way to find out. So sorry you are having to go through this.
Personally I feel that at 43 with no kids together you have a chance at a future with another partner who will love, honour and respect you. The only reason she confessed to you is she caught a disease and infected you. Thatís not remorse, thatís a legal requirement. If you gave her another chance would you want to go through this again at 50? 55? 60?
If self esteem is making you feel trapped counseling sounds like a good place to start. Use this horrible experience to jump start a brighter future.
I wish you all the strength and hope to get you through this.

KingofNothing posted 1/15/2020 14:45 PM

You should go nuclear and tell your families what she did, including giving you an STD. She needs to feel the full wrath coming down on her. Then you should kick her out if you can. That is just for starters.

It sounds harsh, but I agree. Does your wife really deserve any special consideration? Does her waiter boyfriend deserve any? Now that they share an STD, they are "made for each other".. so to speak.

numb&dumb posted 1/15/2020 15:12 PM

Says she will do anything, absolutely anything.

Except tell you the truth. I hate to tell you this but she only told because she knew she couldn't hide it. She has told you the quote above twice now. . .

You don't even have the full truth today. She cries hysterically only when she knows she can't weasel her way out of it. Any time you have proof she goes hysterical.

Is that really how you want to live your life ? She is not even close to a candidate for reconciliation. She is going to do whatever she wants, lie about it and if she can't then offer you, "everything." Once is a mistake. Twice is pattern. My guess is that she likely had more than one A. Just a hunch.

I am really, really sorry man. I am, but I don't see much to work with on her side right now.

What have you done to protect yourself and/or sort out your feelings about this ? Right now she is spiraling and unless you want to fall down the rabbit hole with her I'd keep my distance.

Can you find an IC to talk to about this ? I get the impression that this happened very fast and you are reeling (who wouldn't be, right ?)

I think her extending her stay to her parents place for longer than a week would be a good idea. You need to get your ducks in a row and prepared for more manipulations and lies.

Just remember. She said "anything" then lied to you again. When people show you who they really are. . .believe them.

ShutterHappy posted 1/15/2020 16:08 PM

If you are considering R at this point, you will need the truth. All cheaters lie a lot, and the only certainty you can have is whatever your WW says is not true. Did you notice that the ONS became something else then something else?

Itís quite possible that she was seeing more than one man, or that she has been cheating on you before.

Notice how worried she is that you will leave her? That means she will always tell the minimum thatís plausible. She is in CYA mode right now. She is worried about the consequences to her. When she see you suffer, she throws up because she thinks: OMG he will leave me.

The usual advice to get most of the truth is to have the WS write a detailed timeline, and then get it verified with a poly. Ask her to write down all the affairs she had ever since you got married and tell her it t will get verified with a poly.

Also, you may not want to read those texts now, but save them before they canít be recovered anymore, so that you do have the possibility to read them later.

The advice you read here is tough, but we have all been through this and we are rooting for you.

Post often

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 4:10 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)]

Dispirited posted 1/15/2020 16:22 PM

Just remember. She said "anything" then lied to you again. When people show you who they really are. . .believe them.

Such a simple expression, but no different than "actions speak louder than words".

It's one thing when people make "human" mistakes, yet make an attempt to learn by it and become a better person. Yet, to repeat those "supposed" mistakes multiple times, one can only surmize that conscience lacked... that there was no ability to step back and take a long, hard look at oneself...that there was no empathy (I always say this...if you asked cheaters how THEY would feel if the roles were reversed, what would the odds be that they don't care?)

And that's part of the problem. Selfishness has no room for empathy.No introspection as to what they're doing to a trusting partner. And then? When the truth comes out, such miserable attempts to excuse their behavior.An STD? How in hell can you excuse that? I would not only be ashamed, but I sure as hell would expect the infected partner to take off.You expect me to forgive you when I have an STD?

Such unrealistic expectations from people who never attempted to keep anything in check. People that most likely should never have gotten married at all because they lacked what it takes to be committed. Simple. Things are not what you saw down the road? Go fuck someone else to stroke your insecurities.

Lack of impulse..lack of right and wrong....etc. Too late, you had the chance and blew it.

Dranth posted 1/15/2020 16:44 PM

I donít have much of an update at the moment but I did want to say thank you SO much to everyone responding. You are all giving me a lot to think about and to know there are people who understand (god I wish none of us did) is extremely helpful.

She is due back from her parents in a few more days so I am trying really hard to take this time to ensure I am protected through the rest of this process (regardless of where it goes) and get everything sorted out in my head so I know what else I want to ask, what I want to do next, etc.

I have a ton of questions and thoughts I want to ask/share here when I get a good chance but there are a few I wanted to throw out there now.

For those that did, how did you know when it was time to cut bait and run? That your emotions werenít making a decision for you?

For those that tried to R, how did you know when you wanted to try and that you were ready? That it wasn't fear of being alone, or the unknown that was driving you? That you actually still loved the person you were with and not the memory of what you thought you had?

I realize that answer is going to be different for different people but I am trying to get some kind of handle on what to expect.

Thank you again, all of you and I am so sorry you had to go through something like this.

Dispirited posted 1/15/2020 16:49 PM

It is possible for individuals to have sex with a third party while still loving their SO.

That's if you essentially have an open relationship.Logically, what then would be the purpose of marriage? The purpose of vows? Why go through all of that if a person suddenly decides to adopt a selfish cake and eat-it too thinking? Why think that your "brokenness" is miraculously changed when you supposedly commit to another?

The answer? Commitment is a joke to those who think that they can look for something on the side and THEN- when they're caught have the audacity to think that they should be blindly forgiven.Once? Shame on you...again? Shame on me for thinking that you learned anything.

I- and others have been through this.I forgave, yet found out more lies. And even though I had no choice(I was left within 2 weeks while she met up with the married man), the evidence pointed to someone who could not be believed. In other words, she lied to me. I don't lie to anyone- that's how I was raised. Problem? Always irreconcilable differences- that no fault blanket, legal excuse when one simply wants to walk away- even with proof of infidelity.

If someone thinks that another person (a 3rd party) can magically change their life, then obviously the reality of their own inadequacies will continue to drive their decisions. The cycle will NOT end until they take a break and at least attempt to figure it out.

Phantasmagoria posted 1/15/2020 17:36 PM

For those that did, how did you know when it was time to cut bait and run? That your emotions werenít making a decision for you?
Dranth, The answer to your question is really more about knowing yourself and what you can and cannot tolerate. Your emotions will ultimately settle down so that you can make an informed decision, but how long that takes depends on numerous factors such as how long of a relationship you shared, whether kids are involved, how the wayward is behaving, all of these factor in and affect people differently. But ultimately it comes down to knowing yourself and what you can and cannot live with for your own self-respect and peace of mind.

Edit: Just to add, I appreciate kids arenít involved in your decision making, I was talking more generically.

[This message edited by Phantasmagoria at 5:40 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)]

SnowToArmPits posted 1/15/2020 18:11 PM

Hi OP, sorry you're here.

You're wedding vows went from "love, honour, cherish, forsaking all others" to

immediately agreed to hand over all electronics, passwords etc. Agreed to tracking devices, etc.

Dispirited posted 1/15/2020 18:18 PM

It is possible for individuals to have sex with a third party while still loving their SO.

That's if you essentially have an open relationship.Logically, what then would be the purpose of marriage? The purpose of vows? Why go through all of that if a person suddenly decides to adopt a selfish cake and eat-it too thinking? Why think that your "brokenness" is miraculously changed when you supposedly commit to another?

The answer? Commitment is a joke to those who think that they can look for something on the side and THEN- when they're caught have the audacity to think that they should be blindly forgiven.Once? Shame on you...again? Shame on me for thinking that you learned anything.

I- and others have been through this.I forgave, yet found out more lies. And even though I had no choice(I was left within 2 weeks while she met up with the married man), the evidence pointed to someone who could not be believed. In other words, she lied to me. I don't lie to anyone- that's how I was raised. Problem? Always irreconcilable differences- that no fault blanket, legal excuse when one simply wants to walk away- even with proof of infidelity.

If someone thinks that another person (a 3rd party) can magically change their life, then obviously the reality of their own inadequacies will continue to drive their decisions. The cycle will NOT end until they take a break and at least attempt to figure it out.

Beachwalker posted 1/15/2020 21:04 PM

For those that did, how did you know when it was time to cut bait and run? That your emotions werenít making a decision for you?

I am just now at that point, and I am 2 Ĺ years past D-day. I allowed my emotions to simmer down, time to get questions answered and do my own investigations. Phantasmagoria and Dispirited are right: it depends upon you (what you are willing to tolerate and how much) and your WS (are they doing the work necessary to rebuild your trust?). Even though I kept finding more details, it was more important how my WW responded. I think ďthe straw which broke the camelís backĒ was her denial of sending OM an email after promising to never contact him again. She actually sent 3, according to OM, and in the 3rd she apologized for me contacting him Ė telling him to stay away Ė that I had no right to do so, and that she wanted to remain in touch. She said she ďdidnít rememberĒ sending that email even though I had proof and a testimony. This tells me she is still living in La-la Land, thinking she can do whatever she wants, just as long as I donít find out about it. In other words, she hasnít changed.

Do you have questions for your WW? Are you the type who wants to know details? If so, I can share a method I used to help facilitate asking lots of questions.

Newlifeisgreat posted 1/16/2020 06:44 AM

Your story is absolutely heartbreaking!!!

It blows my mind that when she had to be completely honest, she fell back in the perceived safety of lies and more lies. And if it wasnít for her catching and giving you the STD, she would still be f_cking the low life.

For me the decision was very simple, even though we were married for more than 20 years. The simple thing was that for me, sleeping with anyone other than the person she vowed to forsake all others for was a deal breaker.

Her first hint that I even suspected her of cheating was when she was served with the divorce

I sincerely hope that whatever she gave you is treatable.

Please remember that you had nothing to do with her cheating. No matter what the issues may have been in the marriage, SHE was the one that decided to cheat. ALL BLAME for the affair rests on her shoulders.

To answer your question about when you will know, there is no fixed timeline. You will know when you know.

Whatever you decide to do, do NOT do it because it is what she or friends or family want you to do. Do what is best for YOU!!!! Just make sure that you can look yourself in the mirror.

I also recommend that you donít try to keep everything bottled up. Tell friends and family members! You arenít going to tell them to hurt the cheaters. You tell those that love you so that they can help you and be there for you. And if they are truly friends, they will want to be there for you, and they will be hurt that you didnít go to them in your time of need.

Good luck. Stay strong! And be careful that she doesnít get pregnant by you,

And you will survive

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 6:49 AM, January 16th (Thursday)]

DoinBettr posted 1/16/2020 09:58 AM

Dranth - I am a big believer in reconciling.
I also am a big believer in every WS deserves to be served divorce papers. Make it a long divorce (1 year separation kind of thing or year out court appointment to file) if you want to give yourself time to get your head on straight, but she needs to see the fall out.
She then can throw up all she wants. Your pain is worse than a quick puke. She knew these consequences and still went to this Fboy regularly for multiple years. So, she needs to see you serve her and she needs to become the strong one who fixes some of this shit.
The marriage counseling won't do a thing. What do you expect the counselor to say? "So, she screwed this guy repeatedly, can you not bring that up in this fight about you not doing the dishes weekly." She needs to open up to a professional and get her head straight before she can face a marriage counselor without trying to focus on things, "You need to do."
BTW - The serving of divorce is so like in Beachwalker's case, if you catch her breaking the rules, she knows the consequences and isn't going to test the boundaries. His XWW questioned if he would pull the trigger because he didn't initiate it.

Clear thinking takes about a year. 3-9 months of anger. Depending on you, longer in anger is ok. Then sadness for the loss of the great marriage, 3-6 months. If you get over anger faster, usually sadness takes longer. At a year, your WW will start to see you look at her and use logic to tell her she is all the terrible things she knows she is. Then you logically question why you are staying in the marriage at that point. That is also when the WW usually gets their head straight and realizes this is a life sentence. So year 1.25-2.5 are the toughest if you try to reconcile.

Slanted posted 1/16/2020 14:28 PM

For those that did, how did you know when it was time to cut bait and run? That your emotions werenít making a decision for you?

I had this question, big-time. And I'm only at the 3-4 month mark. But there were two massive factors: 1) WW's behavior went from bad to worse instead of the other way around, and 2) the love spell just evaporated. By number two, I mean what I said in this post-

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=643469

Robert22205https posted 1/16/2020 16:02 PM

For those that did, how did you know when it was time to cut bait and run? That your emotions werenít making a decision for you
?

You are experiencing PTSD (look it up on google). See your doctor for help sleeping and dealing with anxiety.

Each person is different. Consider giving yourself 90 days (to decide to D or R) and extend as necessary.

It's not intuitive, but your next actions are the same whether you want to R or D.

Distance yourself physically and emotionally so you can regain your center, no sex, focus yourself.

In the interim it's up to your wife to convince that she deserves the gift of R. All the work is on her at this point - and she needs to be very proactive and not wait for you to ask.

And what she does or does not do will help you decide whether to D or R.

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