LostOne
A couple of questions
(1)) you stated before you were asking her if she talked to him. Are you still doing that??? When she tells you no you ask her why you should believe that??? I would continue to press her to see if she gets pissed off and burts something out. You ate the shit sandwich , let her feel a little pressure. She deserves it
Yes, I still am asking her. She doesn't give me an answer. I brought up a polygraph and she said that those things were unreliable. I said you wouldn't do it just to ease my mind?
Obviously it's suspicious as shit. She's not really acting as though she's remorseful anyway though. So I just see this as another piece of evidence.
(2) I hope on your list you told her there is no more going to the casino unless you’re there and there is no more going out for drinks . You said she doesn’t like to gamble . She should not be anywhere near that casino and more importantly she should not want to go knowing how that will trigger you
Yeah, there will be no more Casino, unless we definitively split. That doesn't mean she won't sneak off somewhere though. So it just won't be obvious.
Stay on the offense. It’s her job to convince you that she is stYing away from this guy. And you know this fucker was probably told she wanted to continue but couldn’t because hubby finally put his foot down. I don’t think anyone posting here believes she did it because she wanted to. He will for sure at some point take a run at her again
I would wait about a month and then hit her with a polygraph .
I totally agree with you here and I'm just not feeling it. I'm trying to figure out my options and the best way to pull the ejector. I can't totally do that and shit, maybe things will change, but right now I dunno.
As to what she told him, I think she waffled and said she has to be with me for the kids. Or maybe she didn't say anything - I don't know. The reason I tend to believe the kids thing is because if someone were thinking rationally and trying to fool someone else they would have said that they saw living to old age with their husband or some other thing. Of course I've been wrong about a lot lately, so...
Going to backtrack a bit on your thread, and specifically to the issues where she had asked you for what she could do to help you.
So, with that, I will ask a few questions (bear with me):
- In all her relationships, was she the pursuer, or pursued?
- Does she have limited access to the internet?
- Was/Is she the Princess of the family?
- Has she ever lived on her own before?
She's always been the pursued. She's has three sexual relationships: First with the douchebag, second with another dude, and third with me.
With me we started seeing each other and I didn't know she had a boyfriend. She'd already cheated on that dude with douchbag. When I found out I was in so much turmoil. I was young and went no contact with her. She broke up with her boyfriend and we became a couple.
No, she works from home, has wifi.
No, she has an older sister, a younger sister, and a brother. Her and her brother are the responsible ones. Her homelife was pretty bad - father was abusive (physically with everyone and sexually with the older sister). He went to jail for 10+ years, I think.
She has not lived on her own.
Why those questions? What I am trying to establish here (in a very rudimentary way) is to see of she has any proactive bones in her, or has she been spoon-fed her whole life. This is not to making an excuse, but to establish what her mindset is like.
A little from column A a little from column B. For the past year + she's been lazy. She only does things when she has too (laundry, for instance). She'll clean in spurts - say something like 'okay this weekend we are cleaning', then we all clean.
From what you have posted, your WW is reacting, rather than taking proactive steps to help you heal. She is still in her victim mindset.
I feel that this is totally spot on. I've even told her that she's not a victim, that she should be helping me heal - she says she's trying. I'm not sure what that means.
If you have a look at the Wayward section, there are some pretty kick-ass waywards who have owned the destruction they wreaked, and some that are not so kick-ass and stand there going 'woe is me'.
I think that my wife is more woe is me, but she does acknowledge that this is on her. But if actions do not meet words, then where am I? You know?
The proactive waywards research on how to help heal their partners. They embrace that they have destroyed something that they had no reason to destroy. They then chase their BS, and view their second chance as a privilege, and not an entitlement. They are in Remorse mode.
She's doing some research on her own. It's pretty much the only thing that she's done that I told her to do and it's probably because her therapist said to do it too.
The hand-wringers are still too self-absorbed in their guilt, and hence are paralyzed by that guilt. They take not action, and ask for what they should do, then dwell on it, and sometimes question why they should have to do the things their BS asks of them.
You WW is in the hand-wringing category at the moment, and until that mindset changes, not a safe partner.
This is totally her. She asked for what she could do, I provided a list, and...nothing...