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Newest Member: trustingyou

Wayward Side :
The things I had to accept

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Smallwonders ( member #39363) posted at 12:19 PM on Saturday, December 21st, 2019

This has to be the most powerful post I’ve seen here or anywhere. My heart breaks that it has taken infidelity to find these truths, for all of us. Thank you for posting.

posts: 85   ·   registered: May. 26th, 2013
id 8485970
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Smallwonders ( member #39363) posted at 12:19 PM on Saturday, December 21st, 2019

This has to be the most powerful post I’ve seen here or anywhere. My heart breaks that it has taken infidelity to find these truths, for all of us. Thank you for posting.

posts: 85   ·   registered: May. 26th, 2013
id 8485971
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Smallwonders ( member #39363) posted at 12:19 PM on Saturday, December 21st, 2019

This has to be the most powerful post I’ve seen here or anywhere. My heart breaks that it has taken infidelity to find these truths, for all of us. Thank you for posting.

posts: 85   ·   registered: May. 26th, 2013
id 8485972
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mchercheur ( member #37735) posted at 4:07 PM on Saturday, December 21st, 2019

I greatly respect you for doing the work to get to these insights.

I am 8 years, 7 1/2 mos out from Dday. I stayed for our 4 kids, and I know that I made the right decision for them,

but

I would not even be able to get my WH to read this thread, let alone do the work to see what you can see----which is why I can not say that we have R'd.

Me: BWHim: WH --Had 10 mo. EA/ PA with COW; Dday 5/2011Married 31+ years/Together 32+ years/4 kids togetherOW 20 years younger than us/divorced no kidsTrying to R; don't know what the final outcome will be

posts: 2685   ·   registered: Dec. 7th, 2012
id 8486017
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axj131 ( new member #70614) posted at 10:42 PM on Saturday, December 21st, 2019

What are some things you all have done to work on self love and self respect?

posts: 21   ·   registered: May. 23rd, 2019
id 8486092
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Bestthing ( member #64028) posted at 4:43 AM on Monday, December 23rd, 2019

Thank you for this post. My H and I have so much work to do.

Bestthing
Happily reconciled








posts: 410   ·   registered: Jun. 4th, 2018
id 8486488
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JBWD ( member #70276) posted at 6:26 AM on Monday, December 23rd, 2019

I think better words to describe this might be "healthy boundaries" and "self-care" or even "integrity". These things too are based on the self, but they are not at the expense of others.

A perspective that has helped me with this paradox is the adaptation of mindfulness from wisdom traditions. By acknowledging that we are actually far more integrated with our surroundings (both human and otherwise) we can start to see dissolving boundaries between “self” and “others.” As such discovering how to love myself reverberates in how I can better love others.

PRACTICALLY it’s simply another twist on the Golden Rule- Do unto others... But I feel it much more deeply in a profoundly deeper sense of empathy, one that tends to echo back in profound joy and a much more apparent sense of integrity- I am far less the disjointed and frantic being I was, falling apart at the seams and clinging to anything.

I’m not some super-enlightened being but my ability to see others has grown by leaps and bounds and it helps me see that I am better than I was...

Me: WH (Multiple OEA/PA, culminating in 4 month EA/PA. D-Day 20 Oct 2018 41 y/o)Married 14 years Her: BS 37 y/o at D-Day13 y/o son, 10 y/o daughter6 months HB, broken NC, TT Divorced

posts: 913   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2019   ·   location: SoCal
id 8486505
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Itdoesntmatter ( member #63380) posted at 1:26 PM on Friday, December 27th, 2019

Thank you for writing this and sharing, DaddyDom. It made it crystal clear to me that my WH is not doing any work (which I already knew on many levels, and was unable to articulate so eloquently) and just hunkering down waiting for me to get over it, so he can go back to the way things were before his A.

It solidified in my mind that I need to let go and move on with my life. You can lead a horse to water and all that...

Thank you.

BS (me)

posts: 186   ·   registered: Apr. 9th, 2018   ·   location: somewhere, in what feels like hell
id 8487970
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BeingheldbyJesus ( member #52007) posted at 7:29 PM on Friday, December 27th, 2019

Thanks! Great post! Unfortunately, I have no hope of my WD getting to this point. He continually says he is not going to leave and our marriage isn’t over.... He has continued to lie to protect himself. He has never been willing to lose the marriage to save it. He has continued to destroy me.

Me:50 WH:51
Married since Dec. 1990/together 35 years/Junior high sweethearts DS24,DD21,DD16
DD1: EA? 7/10/15 Ended then. Found out by emails it was actually PA 11/13/15

posts: 211   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2016
id 8488154
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Thrownaway29 ( member #71233) posted at 2:42 AM on Saturday, February 8th, 2020

I can't thank you enough for this post. I have tried many times to explain to my WH all of this and haven't been able to get him to listen. I am going to share your words with him and see his response. If he doesn't start to try to work through this then we're done. Thank you again!!

Married 1995DDY 1 EA lasted a few years I knew the whole time a swept it under the rug.DD2 July 11, 2019Trying to R but tired of the lies.DD3 8/31/20 Didn't get over the anger/ hurt fast enough for him so he decided to go back to her. Divorce finalized J

posts: 83   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2019   ·   location: OH
id 8507191
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 DaddyDom (original poster member #56960) posted at 10:22 PM on Sunday, February 9th, 2020

Thank you to everyone for your comments. I do hope some of things that I came to realize and accept will help others to get to that same perspective.

I do just want to remind/inform everyone that coming to that conclusion took many years, tons of therapy and hard work, a lot of mistakes, and an overall enormous toll on my wife, our marriage, and our family.

I was hardly a quick learner. I was defensive, emotionally abusive, blamed for wife for all manner of things, exposed my children and spouse to the AP, deleted evidence, fucked up NC, allowed the children to hear our arguments and exposed them to details that they never should have had to deal with. I dragged my daughter into things and created animosity in the family by triangulating relationships to my own favor. While I had flashes of insight and was "doing the work", my inability to let down my own walls and accept the things I detailed above was a long and painful process. To this day I do not understand how my wife managed to allow me in her life as long as she did. While I do hope your spouses eventually come to some of these same conclusions, I just want to make it clear that these revelations came a very great emotional price, one that my wife and kids paid dearly for.

I hope that by sharing my experiences with you, it might help the next person/couple to move past the delusional thinking and back into reality. It isn't easy, it isn't fun, and it will likely suck a whole lot before it gets better. But it can happen. It just takes a lot of hard work and a willingness to persist even when it seems hopeless. At least, that's what it took for me.

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1311   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017
id 8507766
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EvolvingSoul ( member #29972) posted at 7:44 PM on Wednesday, April 7th, 2021

Bumped for MyandI.

Me: WS (61)
Him: Shards (56)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

We’re going to make it.

posts: 2542   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2010   ·   location: The far shore.
id 8648675
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Zorak ( new member #74500) posted at 5:01 AM on Friday, April 9th, 2021

Hi. BS here. I struggled with the same issues but they drove me to be hyper responsible and to always try to do the right thing no matter the outcome for me. Is it self hatred that leads to bad choices or inability to accept the consequences of acting like an ass?

posts: 12   ·   registered: Jun. 1st, 2020   ·   location: Virginia
id 8649008
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ChanceAtLife35 ( member #69527) posted at 3:56 AM on Saturday, April 10th, 2021

I have no words, just moved the hell out me and shook my heart and mind up. I needed to read this. Thank you.

Me: WW (multiple EA’s PA’s)
Her: BW
DDay: 6/9/18
IHS - Divorcing

In IC, 12 Steps program, currently reading "Boundaries in Marriage"

posts: 256   ·   registered: Jan. 23rd, 2019
id 8649415
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1girlsmom ( member #63541) posted at 10:18 PM on Saturday, April 10th, 2021

Its great that you've done so much reflection.

I hope you & your wife have found some happiness together now.

I rarely post but felt compelled to when I read this.

I can't agree with what you're saying.

I am a BS.

Just because you didn't love yourself, you broke your wifes heart because you needed more attention or accolades...

I don't disclose much but again, this struck me because my WH tries to spoon feed me this stuff too..

After 3 yrs of almost thinking myself into a coma, I have realized that I have never loved myself either.

I have had kids & raised them to be self sufficient & appear to have self esteem but I'm not so sure I have taught them how to love themselves because, honestly, I don't love myself.

Even tho my mom was abusive with her words & punishments & my father was non existant, it still never crossed my mind to share my body with anyone other than my husband while I was married.

I had plenty of invites & chances to but I just never wanted to inflict that much pain on my spouse.

Good times, bad times, anytime... it never occured to me to accept an advance from a man.

I don't buy it.

[This message edited by 1girlsmom at 4:20 PM, April 10th (Saturday)]

posts: 218   ·   registered: Apr. 24th, 2018
id 8649517
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Wearingmyring ( new member #71689) posted at 6:12 AM on Sunday, April 11th, 2021

This post really hit home for me. I could have written 95 percent of this... Thank you for taking the time to put on paper what was/is in my mind.

[This message edited by Wearingmyring at 9:55 PM, April 11th (Sunday)]

Me WH 50
BS 48
D-Day 4-24-2019
Married 28 years, together 29

posts: 10   ·   registered: Sep. 28th, 2019   ·   location: Southeast
id 8649594
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JungAdmirer ( member #47685) posted at 9:41 AM on Sunday, April 11th, 2021

Bouncing this original post. Remarkably astute introspection that shows the growth necessary to be a candidate for reconciliation.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2015
id 8649620
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gmc94 ( Guide #62810) posted at 4:24 PM on Friday, March 18th, 2022

bump

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3825   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8724085
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EvolvingSoul ( member #29972) posted at 2:20 AM on Wednesday, August 10th, 2022

Another bump for those struggling with the aftermath of infidelity. Worth a read!

Me: WS (61)
Him: Shards (56)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

We’re going to make it.

posts: 2542   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2010   ·   location: The far shore.
id 8749832
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Lostwings ( member #79902) posted at 9:39 PM on Friday, August 19th, 2022

Daddy Dom,

Thank you for your wisdom . You are one of the FWS in this forum whose comments I read repeatedly and ask my husband to read as well .

Writing a book? Hell yes!
I think your journey from being a selfish person ( as all waywards were/are) to redemption and self discovery, needs to be read by people who got lost in abandonment or affairs .

My WH and I are still a bit lost and still finding our way out. But with members like you DaddyDom, 1st wife , Brave sir Robin, Hikingout, MIGander, Chamomile Tea , Sisoon, Tanner, Bigger, BearlyBreathing and others, who are paying forward, giving us guidance , and also others, who are still lost and trying to find their ways, who help me opening my eyes and understand better , I am forever grateful to find this family .
I may not know you all , but you are all the closest in my life now. I do not feel alone.

Thank you for posting and God bless .

I thought it was love at the end of the rainbow , but a banshee came and almost destroyed my pot of gold . In R.

posts: 60   ·   registered: Feb. 7th, 2022   ·   location: United States
id 8751223
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