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The things I had to accept

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Smallwonders posted 12/21/2019 06:19 AM

This has to be the most powerful post Iíve seen here or anywhere. My heart breaks that it has taken infidelity to find these truths, for all of us. Thank you for posting.

Smallwonders posted 12/21/2019 06:19 AM

This has to be the most powerful post Iíve seen here or anywhere. My heart breaks that it has taken infidelity to find these truths, for all of us. Thank you for posting.

Smallwonders posted 12/21/2019 06:19 AM

This has to be the most powerful post Iíve seen here or anywhere. My heart breaks that it has taken infidelity to find these truths, for all of us. Thank you for posting.

mchercheur posted 12/21/2019 10:07 AM

I greatly respect you for doing the work to get to these insights.

I am 8 years, 7 1/2 mos out from Dday. I stayed for our 4 kids, and I know that I made the right decision for them,
I would not even be able to get my WH to read this thread, let alone do the work to see what you can see----which is why I can not say that we have R'd.

axj131 posted 12/21/2019 16:42 PM

What are some things you all have done to work on self love and self respect?

Bestthing posted 12/22/2019 22:43 PM

Thank you for this post. My H and I have so much work to do.

JBWD posted 12/23/2019 00:26 AM

I think better words to describe this might be "healthy boundaries" and "self-care" or even "integrity". These things too are based on the self, but they are not at the expense of others.

A perspective that has helped me with this paradox is the adaptation of mindfulness from wisdom traditions. By acknowledging that we are actually far more integrated with our surroundings (both human and otherwise) we can start to see dissolving boundaries between ďselfĒ and ďothers.Ē As such discovering how to love myself reverberates in how I can better love others.

PRACTICALLY itís simply another twist on the Golden Rule- Do unto others... But I feel it much more deeply in a profoundly deeper sense of empathy, one that tends to echo back in profound joy and a much more apparent sense of integrity- I am far less the disjointed and frantic being I was, falling apart at the seams and clinging to anything.

Iím not some super-enlightened being but my ability to see others has grown by leaps and bounds and it helps me see that I am better than I was...

Itdoesntmatter posted 12/27/2019 07:26 AM

Thank you for writing this and sharing, DaddyDom. It made it crystal clear to me that my WH is not doing any work (which I already knew on many levels, and was unable to articulate so eloquently) and just hunkering down waiting for me to get over it, so he can go back to the way things were before his A.

It solidified in my mind that I need to let go and move on with my life. You can lead a horse to water and all that...

Thank you.

BeingheldbyJesus posted 12/27/2019 13:29 PM

Thanks! Great post! Unfortunately, I have no hope of my WD getting to this point. He continually says he is not going to leave and our marriage isnít over.... He has continued to lie to protect himself. He has never been willing to lose the marriage to save it. He has continued to destroy me.

Thrownaway29 posted 2/7/2020 20:42 PM

I can't thank you enough for this post. I have tried many times to explain to my WH all of this and haven't been able to get him to listen. I am going to share your words with him and see his response. If he doesn't start to try to work through this then we're done. Thank you again!!

DaddyDom posted 2/9/2020 16:22 PM

Thank you to everyone for your comments. I do hope some of things that I came to realize and accept will help others to get to that same perspective.

I do just want to remind/inform everyone that coming to that conclusion took many years, tons of therapy and hard work, a lot of mistakes, and an overall enormous toll on my wife, our marriage, and our family.

I was hardly a quick learner. I was defensive, emotionally abusive, blamed for wife for all manner of things, exposed my children and spouse to the AP, deleted evidence, fucked up NC, allowed the children to hear our arguments and exposed them to details that they never should have had to deal with. I dragged my daughter into things and created animosity in the family by triangulating relationships to my own favor. While I had flashes of insight and was "doing the work", my inability to let down my own walls and accept the things I detailed above was a long and painful process. To this day I do not understand how my wife managed to allow me in her life as long as she did. While I do hope your spouses eventually come to some of these same conclusions, I just want to make it clear that these revelations came a very great emotional price, one that my wife and kids paid dearly for.

I hope that by sharing my experiences with you, it might help the next person/couple to move past the delusional thinking and back into reality. It isn't easy, it isn't fun, and it will likely suck a whole lot before it gets better. But it can happen. It just takes a lot of hard work and a willingness to persist even when it seems hopeless. At least, that's what it took for me.

EvolvingSoul posted 4/7/2021 13:44 PM

Bumped for MyandI.

Zorak posted 4/8/2021 23:01 PM

Hi. BS here. I struggled with the same issues but they drove me to be hyper responsible and to always try to do the right thing no matter the outcome for me. Is it self hatred that leads to bad choices or inability to accept the consequences of acting like an ass?

ChanceAtLife35 posted 4/9/2021 21:56 PM

I have no words, just moved the hell out me and shook my heart and mind up. I needed to read this. Thank you.

1girlsmom posted 4/10/2021 16:18 PM

Its great that you've done so much reflection.
I hope you & your wife have found some happiness together now.

I rarely post but felt compelled to when I read this.
I can't agree with what you're saying.
I am a BS.
Just because you didn't love yourself, you broke your wifes heart because you needed more attention or accolades...

I don't disclose much but again, this struck me because my WH tries to spoon feed me this stuff too..
After 3 yrs of almost thinking myself into a coma, I have realized that I have never loved myself either.
I have had kids & raised them to be self sufficient & appear to have self esteem but I'm not so sure I have taught them how to love themselves because, honestly, I don't love myself.

Even tho my mom was abusive with her words & punishments & my father was non existant, it still never crossed my mind to share my body with anyone other than my husband while I was married.
I had plenty of invites & chances to but I just never wanted to inflict that much pain on my spouse.
Good times, bad times, anytime... it never occured to me to accept an advance from a man.
I don't buy it.

[This message edited by 1girlsmom at 4:20 PM, April 10th (Saturday)]

Wearingmyring posted 4/11/2021 00:12 AM

This post really hit home for me. I could have written 95 percent of this... Thank you for taking the time to put on paper what was/is in my mind.

[This message edited by Wearingmyring at 9:55 PM, April 11th (Sunday)]

JungAdmirer posted 4/11/2021 03:41 AM

Bouncing this original post. Remarkably astute introspection that shows the growth necessary to be a candidate for reconciliation.

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