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So here is where I’m at right now, had a conversation with my wife last night where she told me that she feels like she hasn’t seen any progress from me in my healing. This has upset me. It’s been 4 months since the first Dday. One month since the last Dday when I felt compelled to talk to her AP because I was convinced she was still lying to me. Over the course of my conversation with AP it became clear she was in fact still lying and he sent me proof in the form the 2 dozen or so especially damning text messages between them. Text messages that my wife erased. Found out that she did bash me to him. Found out she did sext him and send him many many nudes. Found out she broke no contact by contacting APs mom the day after the domestic violence ( his mom got a no contact letter back in July along with him as she was a key part in making the affair happen). She basically lied to me every day for 3 months after July Dday and only admitted to more when confronted with evidence.

Now she tells me she gets frustrated when I think she is still lying about enjoying the sex. Says that she doesn’t want to spend energy trying to prove somthing that can’t be proven. Last told she told me that she “gives up” on this topic and then told me that she has seen no progress from me. I told her that she has read that every new lie starts the healing process over and she is expecting too much out of me when my most recent Dday was a month ago. It really pissed me off that she’s telling me she doesn’t see progress from me. At the same time she gets all righteous and pissed if I get frustrated by not seeing enough progress from her. She will ask me questions like “you you really think I’m not trying? Do you really not see me making progress?” I tel her I do because I do but she backslides and the backsliding is difficult to deal with.

She asked me to tell her how I’ve made progress, I had a difficult time listing how I’ve made progress but I tried to explain how I feel like I’m making my own progress.

I turned around and asked her the same question. Tell me how you are making progress. She basically told me that she’s made progress in therapy but didn’t feel like sharing what that progress is. Ok I won’t press the issue but I’m definitely curious and I hope I made it clear that whatever progress she’s made isn’t as clear to me as it apparently is to her.

Thought and feedback please

You should respond by saying ..."You want to see Progress? So here is progress" ... and hand her divorce papers and tell her you'll see her, OM and his Mama in court.

The nerve of her!

Lol, yeah that would be progress for sure. To be clear I’ve been in IC for a few months now, I’m exercising, I fee like I’m doing my best to internally come to terms with this entire mess. I have brief moment where I don’t actually think the about the affair. I have made progress especially with the anger I feel and how much this hurts.

You are in a marriage by yourself right now. I'm going to try and be soft with this 2x4, but I think you need to hear it...

When she continues to lie to you, she doesn't care about you let alone love you. If she had a small understanding of the pain that she's causing you and care about you, she wouldn't continue down that same path of purposefully hurting you for her own gain.

At this point, I believe you only have one way out of infidelity and that's by you leaving. She has shown you (and the AP showed you with texts) that she has no interest in being the wife that you deserve. I'm sorry.

Right now I’m committed to making this work. Giving my best effort. For a number of reasons, my children being first. We also have another one on the way and of course because I still love her for some reason despite all of this pain she has brought me. I feel like I spent almost a decade dealing with her dysfunction and if she is actually going to do the work to fix herself then I deserve to be a part of it and because I do believe she can do it. I just get very frustrated that the progress is so agonizingly slow. I can’t expect a lifetime of behavior to change overnight and rationally I know that it’s going to take time for her to fix her shit

[This message edited by Hallmack at 8:44 PM, December 7th (Saturday)]

The problem is I don’t know if she is still lying. She says I have it all now. That the messages between her and AP were the last thing she was holding onto. I explain to her why it’s so difficult for me to believe I really finally have the truth and that’s when she gets frustrated and defensive. I feel like she does understand that I’m just not capable of 100% trust in her that she is telling the truth but she still get frustrated and in turn I get frustrated.

I’m committed to making this work. Giving my best effort.

Then, you better start working really hard on rugsweeping. You can't make this work by yourself.

She's not in it. She's not remorseful. She's basically going through the motions, doing the bare minimum to appease you, waiting for you to stop.

You've probably read this saying: You have to be willing to lose your M to save it.

I think you are wrong coco but I guess I’m going to find out. Rugsweeping isn’t a option. I might have been capable of that at one point but I can’t do it.

I think she is remorseful. She sees what her actions have bought her. She knows she is messed up. Like I said earlier it is impossible for someone to change a lifetime of behavior overnight. I do see progress from her too. She’s making efforts that don’t go unnoticed. She will bring up the affair from time to time. Is going to IC. Is willing to talk about things when I fee up for it (I don’t always feel comfortable or up for it).

[This message edited by Hallmack at 5:01 PM, December 7th (Saturday)]

I have a similar problem with WH getting frustrated when I don't believe him now. We're 18 months from dday 1. He only has himself to blame, due to the thousands of times he lied about stuff, even after he was saying that I knew everything, he was being completely honest, etc etc. Which, of course, I didn't and he wasnt.

Just like him, your WW is being spectacularly arrogant and selfish in trying to turn the tables and complain about your lack of progress. Good on you for telling her it all resets with each lie. Because it Does. I'm sorry I don't have any really constructive advice apart from keep calling her out on those comments, remind her that all your issues are caused by her shitty behaviour, including the lies and lack of empathy she now shows. She's the one who had issues resulting in unacceptable behaviour, not you. Shes the one who needs to show she is changing. As it is often said on here, it is generally accepted that it takes 2-5 years to recover from infidelity. You are nowhere near that, and it sounds like she is nowhere near the level of empathy and understanding she needs to reach.

Thanks justgetitoverwith, it helps to know that I’m not the only one dealing with this kind of issue.

[This message edited by Hallmack at 5:11 PM, December 7th (Saturday)]

Now she tells me she gets frustrated when I think she is still lying about enjoying the sex. Says that she doesn’t want to spend energy trying to prove somthing that can’t be proven. Last told she told me that she “gives up” on this topic and then told me that she has seen no progress from me.

This is all a very clear sign that she is not remorseful. She is judging you on your progress? Do you really think someone who is absolutely devastated by how she has hurt you would say that to you?

She's defensive = still trying to protect herself, hold on to her ego = not remorseful. She gives up. Basically, she's saying she won't talk about it anymore. That is rugsweeping. She's trot manipulate you into not bothering her. She's trying to make you feel guilty because you haven't progressed the way she'd like.

A truly remorseful CP would apologize (again a million times) for hurting you. She would ask what she could do to help you. She wouldn't throw her hands up and say, "I give up because you don't believe me." Do you really not see how selfish and immature that is?

She says she won’t talk anymore but she does. I do see how selfish and immature it is.

I recall reading your wife's posts in the WS forum.

Perhaps you should read her thread/s, read them objectively not as her husband.

I have read her threads. Not sure what you are trying to point out.

You've both been here for long enough to have seen the healing timeline of 2-5 years posted. But after only four months, she's wanting a progress report? No one who's been on the receiving end of this kind of deliberate betrayal would expect you to be anywhere near healed. At four months, I was still snot-bubble weeping on a daily basis. You're not even sure you've had the whole truth yet thanks to all the lies she's told.

It's not on you to show progress. You're not the one with a defective character. You're not the one who dumped on their spouse and their home deal. This IS an attempt at rugsweeping. Sorry, but it is. She's like every other garden-variety cheater who thinks you ought to be over her perfidy by now, and the reason for that is that she doesn't GET IT. It takes real empathy to put yourself in another person's shoes and imagine their feelings. It's obvious that she's still not capable of that.

She already knows you're not going to leave her, so you've got no leverage. My best advice in that case is to tell her to check back with you in 5 years for that progress report and just keep getting your ducks in a row. Honestly man, I don't know how you've survived this long. I'm so sorry.

You just found out the real truth, about a month ago? No she is not remorseful. A remorseful Wayward spouse, would not allow you to find out the truth, from the man she was fucking. She was lying, until she couldn't lie anymore. That's not remorse.

You want the truth? She's not going to do a goddamn thing. She's going to say she's doing things, and on the surface, it might appear that she is. But she's not going to do the real work, because she's pregnant now. She's reading your posts, and she knows you're not going anywhere. So she knows she doesn't really have to do anything, except to wait you out. Eventually,you will get tired of being hurt, and you will stop bringing it up. You will swallow the shit sandwich, and she will skip on merrily down the road. It may be with you, it may not. But she's not going to do anything, because she knows you're not going anywhere.

ITA with everything CT and HellFire said.

She can think what she likes about me not going anywhere no matter what. I certainly don’t feel like she can do whatever she wants and get away with it. If I don’t feel like she has changed or is really capable of changing then I know that it is only a matter of time until the marriage ends. One of the ways I feel I have made progress is with the idea that there is a very real chance that this marriage isn’t going to work long term. Might not sound like much but my expectations are in check about the odds of us making it. I went from think me and her would be together until the very end to accepting that my marriage isn’t what I thought it was. That the love I thought we had for each other isn’t what I thought it was. If she can’t do the work and can’t show real empathy and remorse with enough time then I will leave her. I know my value and what I deserve and it’s not what she has given me. She does not have a indefinite timetable to fix herself. Whether she knows it or accepts it it doesn’t make it any less true. I don’t want it to come to that but I accept the reality of the situation. She might have moments where she wants to rugsweep but I’m not capable of it anymore. The issues will be dealt with one way or another.

I know my value and what I deserve...

That actually IS good progress, Hallmack.

For most of us, the betrayal tears down our self-esteem worse than anything we've previously experienced. It's quite an achievement to get to the point where we can make a statement like that (and mean it) which honors our own worth. So, well done! Here's some good news for you... that feeling grows. It gets stronger and you become more and more sure of yourself. With that strength and newly found self-assurance, the compelling need to return to status quo diminishes. You're no longer emotionally dependent on the primary relationship for your serenity... and no longer held in thrall to a preferred outcome.

I agree with Chamomile, knowing your worth and not settling for less than you deserve is great progress. However, your wife isn’t going to see that as progress. How about asking her what she would consider progress? My guess is that it’s going to all be centered around her comfort level.

You are very new in this game and you are sure that she is still being dishonest. She wants your trust without earning it. She wants a guarantee that you’re not going to leave without earning it. She’s not remorseful yet and you probably won’t know for quite some time if she has it in her.

It took over 18 months before My h reached remorse. He put on a good act for most of those 18 months, but he had to realize that our marriage was over and he had to totally change his moral compass and learn boundaries and respect for me as well as for himself. It was long and difficult for us both. We are still fighting the fight 6 1/2 years later.

It is a rare couple that reconciles in 2years. These are one affair or ons, no trickle truth, immediate nc situations. She needs to understand that you can’t even begin to heal and consider R until you are being given the truth.