SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Doh!

[This message edited by EvolvingSoul at 8:13 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]

Evolving,

The first quote is Buzzy. The second is me.

Oh my bad! Thank you so much for pointing that out. I will edit.

My apologies for any offence caused maybe i should have said "fat or a slob".

This being an American site i should have been more aware of the sensitivities, again sorry.

Buzzy.

I don’t pretend to understand the nuances of British culture but do you truly not see that criticism of appearance should maybe be something that transcends continents or cultures?

DF, again my apologies but this is a debate (and i am not saying you want one) i will not enter.

TBH I have been to NYC a few of times and the vibe is similiar to London, Grand central station in the rush hour could be any London main line terminus. I suspect NYC is not typical of the USA just like london is not typical of the UK.

This being an American site i should have been more aware of the sensitivities.

This is an intriguing comment. I doubt we could explore it much without violating the "no politics" rule, but suffice it to say, I didn't think our world image at the moment was strongly linked with compassion and sensitivity. Which leads me to suspect that perhaps it's a reference to us being oversensitive -- not a good angle from which to approach an emotional support website.

Anyway, trust me, there's a massive contingent of fat shamers over on this side of the pond.

Not oversensitive at all and I have found this site nothing but helpfull and you have been one of the most helpfull. Even if i dont agree altogether with some of the hardliners a least they took the trouble to respond.

I will atempt not to tread on anymore toes as i have been pulled up by admin once already.

[This message edited by Buzzy at 8:07 AM, November 15th (Friday)]

Which leads me to suspect that perhaps it's a reference to us being oversensitive

No, I personally read it as a thinly-veiled dig at the 'Fat American' stereotype. I may be wrong, but if that's what was being implied, then - yuck. Really? Which leads me to my next point...

Do you consider yourself a shallow person, Buzzy? I'm honestly asking, not trying to be mean.

Even the majority of the people who are okay with the idea of an RA, morally, would say it's because the BS needs to 'even the score' in order to consider R without feeling like a doormat. I won't say whether or not I agree with this notion, BUT...

You clearly don't consider yourself on equal ground with your WW. You think you've one-upped her. She had sex with a 'fat slob' three times, while you happily got freaky with your fit, runner AP in Seville before coming home to lord it over your wife, preening and smug and reveling in her pain, having just had your ego (and more) stroked nicely.

It doesn't matter what either AP LOOKS like - your side-piece being attractive doesn't make what you did any less sleazy than what your wife did. Your AP being hot isn't something you should be proud of - nothing about this is anything you should be proud of. And your recovery from this should NOT be built on the idea that your crippling mind-movies about your wife with someone else are now 'thankfully' replaced with memories of the awesome anal you had with AP while your wife and kids sat at home. Don't you see how gross and twisted that is for a man that says he wants nothing more than to rebuild his marriage? You should be wanting to let those memories go, not count on them to 'overwrite' your own pain.

I'm really hoping that you're just not coming across to me correctly (and I can't speak for anyone else on this, maybe I'm the only one who picked up on this), but I really think you need to take a hard look at yourself here.

You can't R if you're proud of your own affair and disdainful of your wife's just because her AP isn't someone you'd consider 'affair-worthy' on a purely physical level. Because eww - what kind of mindset is that?

Beax, that is a good post.

Am i shallow, in some things yes i suppose i am, my physical appearance means a lot to me, what i wear and where i buy it is also important, i like to look good because it makes me feel good.

One thing you do have wrong is the "pride in my affair, i am not so much proud of it as dont regret it although that is starting to change. The "fitness" of my AP was important because i could not and would not have a relationship with Ms 20 pounds overweight this is not to say this should be an issue for anyone else, we are who we are.

Am i shallow in other matters? I dont think so, my sales team know i have their backs, I am loyal to my friends and i am generous with my time.

Lastly although i have said this before if i did not have an AP then I doubt there would be an attempt at R.

[This message edited by Buzzy at 9:52 AM, November 15th (Friday)]

Lastly although i have said this before if i did not have an AP then I doubt there would be an attempt at R.

It's a Catch-22, though, isn't it? The same affair that you argue may have saved the marriage has the potential power to destroy it. Now Julie is the one who has to suffer the mind movies, and you're the one lying to someone you love about how deeply you've actually hurt them.

I asked this once before, but I don't think you answered. Why do you want to repair your marriage? What made you resist just chucking it and literally running off into the sunset? I've made no secret of my low opinion of Claire, but you don't share my views, at least not yet. And Claire wasn't the only option out there. So what made the stew you're now in more appealing than a clean divorce?

Claire, "wasnt the only one" BSR I have an ego but even i dont believe there is/was a line of fitness freaks waiting to jump my bones

Why did i want to repair my marriage, because in spite of all my/our shit i truly love my wife.

Last night i said sorry again for my actions and she said, "no more sorries Buzzy lets look foward not back" rugsweeping? Maybe.

BTW I called my running club sec and told him i am leaving the club, he asked a some questions but i said its a personal matter and nothing to do with the club or its members.

[This message edited by Buzzy at 11:10 AM, November 15th (Friday)]

“You love your wife” means a lot. Be there to support her during your discussion with your wife this weekend about your RA with Claire. Be truthful and start the healing process.

Claire, "wasnt the only one" BSR I have an ego but even i dont believe there is/was a line of fitness freaks waiting to jump my bones

Lol, I meant that there were other choices besides R or an RA.

Now my wifes AP knew she was married and should not have considered having an affair with my wife he had the obligation of common decency.

I posted this earlier in your thread, they're your own words about your wife's AP. I'm curious to know if Claire also had the same obligation in your mind? I mean she knowingly and willingly had an affair with a married man so surely she should have at least the same level of common decency towards your wife?

Btw, quite often find it's not the 'ripped' man or 'beautiful' women who can get the girls/boys or should I say keep them. Quite often it's the nondescript person you wouldn't really look twice at who just has that certain something, that level of charisma that's more than surface deep which only really becomes apparent when you talk to them!

Well, this thread has been entertaining. Thumbs up for the OP's writing. I cannot help but give my 2 cents as well since the hypocrisy is thick in this thread. I do not view Buzzy's trip with Claire as cheating. I'm not even going to call it what other people have been calling it, an RA. Marriage is more than a piece of paper given out by city hall. I view it as a commitment made by two people to each other. There are people who are never officially married who have stronger commitments to each other as husband and wife than married couples. And there are people who enter into marriages for the sole purpose of getting a fast track to citizenship. So the official status doesn't really mean much IMHO. When Buzzy's WW cheated, she broke that commitment and destroyed their old marriage. Anything that happens after that point, and before they both choose to reconcile and commit to a new marriage is not cheating. Though clearly it would make reconciliation more difficult if the WS has double standards.

Anything that happens after that point, and before they both choose to reconcile and commit to a new marriage is not cheating. Though clearly it would make reconciliation more difficult if the WS has double standards.

If the marriage was already over, sex outside it was no longer cheating, and you don't approve of double standards, then do you believe it would not be cheating if Buzzy's wife slept with OM (or anyone else) while Buzzy and Claire were in Seville?

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 7:28 AM, November 16th (Saturday)]

☝🏻 Also what I wanna know.

Marriage is more than a piece of paper given out by city hall.

But you don't get to nullify that piece of paper from City Hall. You signed it, and it doesn't say the marriage is legally over when someone cheats. So yes, you better get that legal paper taken care of if you declare your marriage over.

If that paper meant nothing, then don't get married in the eyes of the law.

When Buzzy's WW cheated, she broke that commitment and destroyed their old marriage. Anything that happens after that point, and before they both choose to reconcile and commit to a new marriage is not cheating. Though clearly it would make reconciliation more difficult if the WS has double standards.

The problem with this approach is that vows or commitments usually go beyond just remaining faithful physically or emotionally. People violate their vows many times in a marriage because there are no perfect people. So once someone breaks a vow or commitment means that there is no marriage, then there would not be an original affair because the marriage was dead once either one of them was emotionally unavailable, which is usually long before any affair.