I feel like I need to talk/write, but I don't know what to say. Yesterday was hard. I even went to the movies to try and get my mind off of it. I seldom do that.
The ex and I fought yesterday. She's pissed, obviously, that I didn't do more for her this Christmas, but she's not coming straight out and saying it. I spent most of my money on making sure our bills didn't get cut off, and the rest of it on Christmas for the kids. I eat as cheaply as I can when I go to work, but since my account was flatlined, I spent a little bit out of the main (family) account to keep me fed. Being diabetic, that's a health issue for me. Can't go too long without eating or I start feeling woozy and like I am going to be sick/pass out.
She, of course, leapt all over that like a rabid wolverine. She has found a phrase that cuts me deep and gets a reaction, even if I try to quell it. "Maybe you should try being a father for once."
I countered with referring to her trips as "vacations" and times where she "ran away from her family to go have fun" and the like, which pisses her off, and she vehemently referred to them as business trips. I smirked in her face and asked her what a business trip to go have sex made her. She lost her shit again and told me that she hated me. I told her "Good."
I have been steadfastly avoiding her so that we do not fight. She is angry that the result is that she does almost all of the housework (what of it she does, at least... the house is a fucking pigsty. It has been for years. She has NEVER kept it clean. Never.). I admit, I should probably take a more active role in cleaning, but at this point, well, if I spend all of my spare time cleaning up the mess that she refuses to touch during the 4 days I am out of the house, then all she'll do is sit on her phone and flirt/sext/shittalk with her fuckboy and walrus whore and I'll be the guy taking care of her house and the kids and the bills while she flies around fucking whoever she feels like fucking. I've already been cucked at least twice by this woman, and I'm not going to play happy-happy housemaker while she ignores the universe to get her jollies.
She had one of her cheating harpies over for Christmas and hadn't told me shit about it. I got home from my mother's house with all the kids on Christmas Eve, and there she was, sitting in my living room, acting like *I* was intruding on *her* time in *my* fucking house. I met her through her husband who was a coworker of mine. She cheated on him and left him at the same time my ex cheated on me and left me, and I am certain they planned it to happen in unison that way. Now, she's been avoiding the house and just waiting outside if I am home or asking the ex to meet her elsewhere.
Whatever. No skin off of my nose. But now she is *in* my home, present for Christmas morning, refusing to look at or speak to me like I was some big terrifying abusive monster when I've never been anything but kind to her and her children. She's another cheating slag, just the same sort of crusty fuckscum as my ex, so it shouldn't bother me, but it cuts me deep.
It hurts. I'm tired of hurting. I am so fucking tired of shitty fucking people doing shitty fucking things, and taking the brunt of it while they go on, flirting and playing and going directly to new relationships and fucking all the time and spending their money on "Bad Moms' Christmas Shenanigans" out, like was plastered all over Facebook, and then fucking criticizing -me- for having the audacity to FUCKING EAT while I'm at work.
I'm angry. I'm lonely. I'm depressed. I hate so much. I hate that I hate, and I hate that I only hate because of her right now. I hate that she can lash out with impunity because she's some fucking "oh poor woe-is-me woman who has been downtrodden by the Big Bad Patriarchy Man-Monster" while she slops her slug gooch all over the county riding whatever pecker pole she can stuff inside of her hollow self to act like she has any value past how much spunk she can catch from random internet fuckboys between her legs.
But I'm the fucking bad guy.
[This message edited by Incarnate at 10:55 AM, December 27th (Friday)]