I really appreciate all of the support from everyone here; it's something I've been giving and not getting for years. It's refreshing and heartbreaking at the same time.
I know that running out and getting a partner right now is a bad idea. Like I said, I know I'm not even remotely ready for a long term (or even short term) commitment.
And right now, i don't think I really want a lot of commitment. I've given seventeen years of commitment to a woman who had zero compunctions with ripping out my soul and using it for lube, then blaming me for bleeding on the carpet.
But I miss that closeness. The raw, base human connection. I don't want a subservient, submissive person, I don't want a domineering, controlling person to tell me how to live, what to wear, what to eat, how to parent my children, that I am always wrong, etc.
I just want another human that I can feel safe with. I want someone who I know can look at me and see me, not an adversary.
I know I'm not unattractive. I'm no Chris Hemsworth, but despite my weight, I have a powerful frame. Broad shoulders, barrel chest, and a waist narrower than my ribs. I do keep my head shaved so that I am bald by choice instead of balding and trying to hide it; I make the look work well enough. My face isn't unpleasant, and I do have striking blue eyes.
I know I am an intelligent person and can hold a conversation on almost any subject. I know what questions to ask on most topics to engage people in their area of interest. I am college educated, and I am a voracious researcher, I am well learned in several craftsman trades; woodworking, metalwork/metallurgy, and stonework, I am a self taught amateur architect, having designed and sold plans for several residential buildings over the years. I can hold my own mentally.
My main point of contention is my confidence. I used to be a social butterfly, able to slip in and out of groups with alacrity, but since I started trying to help my wife overcome her childhood trauma (as well as the trauma she received during our marriage from my father) I completely ignored myself. I became introverted and I started taking he verbal abuse to heart. It was always delivered passively, underhandedly; I wasn't doing enough, I was trying the wrong things, I didn't understand, I couldn't understand, on and on and on.
Since severing her from my list of responsibilities I feel like a pendulum that's been kicked by a horse, just swinging around randomly and smacking into shit. Being alone terrifies me. Not just being in a room by myself or spending a day by myself - I can handle that, no big deal - but being -alone-. Loneliness. Not having someone I can talk to at the end of the day, not having someone who wants me to know how their day went, who can share in my triumphs and failures, someone I can hold up when they need me, and someone who can hold me up when I need them.
I've been the pillar for so long, and the one I was holding up grew to resent me and dynamited the bottom. I don't know how I am supposed to lift that pillar again, of even if I should.
I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like I'm regressing, and I'm terrified to inflict that upon someone else. I have a pretty severe case of C-PTSD, anxiety, depression, and hypervigilance, and I am certain it came from the gaslighting, betrayal trauma, and emotional abuse from my ex, coupling with the abuse from my father and stepmother.
But I've gone on way too long about this. The point is that I am scared, I'm lonely, I'm bitter, and I'm lost. I desperately want someone to take my hand, rub my cheek, and tell me that it will be okay.
And, yeah, yaknow, getting laid would probably be pretty awesome too. It's been a while. Not gonna lie, I -am- a healthy man.