InnerLight posted 8/18/2019 20:48 PM

It's been a while since I posted, and the reason for coming to this site was11 years ago. I can't really say I'm in a 'new beginning' but this is the forum I have been most at home in in years past, so I will just say this is an old beginning...

Mostly I'm thriving as a single woman, living alone, working, taking care of a rural property. But I have some soreness in my heart that lingers.

Yesterday I went to a BBQ in my neighborhood and the host, a guy in his 60s, red-faced, asked why I was single and I told him there was a divorce and then a breakup with a boyfriend and hemade a joke about how I scared all the men away. Ha! Ha!

....Ugh! I know he was just an insensitive idiot...but....just ugh! What possesses someone to make a joke out of your heartache I don't know.

I live in the house that was the dream home for XWH and me, and I couldn't part with it when he left so I made the switch to rural living full time and figured out the work and income thing so I am doing OK. I am not handy, but I am managing. I love living in the country surrounded by natural beauty.

Almost everyone around me is partnered and a lot more wealthy than I am. They remodel and upgrade their properties all the time, and I have dreams of it, but if I can pull off getting a new roof put on I'll be proud. First estimate is $7,650 and that seems like a lot for a 900 sf home.

My last SO I really liked, and we had a lovely romance, but it was limited, and never going to be a partnership. It ended in an unconscious way. A stupid fight that I thought was not that big a deal but he was red faced and angry and withdrew for days then came back at me with nasty emails which just pushed me so far away that when he said he wanted to stay together 3 weeks later my mind and heart were so far away, and he did nothing to entice me back, just got mad. It was just time to go.

My sister's husband died 5 years ago and she is getting married this October. Her fiance proposed to her with a ring, on bended knee, at xmas in front of me and my mom after we opened the presents. It was very sweet and romantic. He does whatever he can to make her happy and make her life easier. I am truly happy for her, she has been through a lot and deserves the best.

My XSO texted me a few days later and asked if I wanted to screw. Ugh! That's so disgusting and disrespectful that I blocked him. But the contrast with my sister's engagement really made it hurt more.

I think I am stronger and solid in myself than I ever was before. I am more clear about what I would want in a relationship and what I won't put up with than ever before. And somehow these two things together make me feel like a relationship is even less possible for me than ever before.

I realize my mindset is not quite right for dating so I'm taking care of myself and have even going camping solo which was more fun than I thought it would be. I started seeing a counselor because I take care of my very old mother (age 95) and she will die at some point and I'll be sad and I really have no close friends, so before she does die I want to have at least a counselor to talk to about it. So I just started that, and telling her about my heartaches last week kind of stirred it all up. I can only afford to go once a month, so then I'm kind of left with all these stirred up feelings about these heartaches and it's weird.

All in all I would say that I have mostly thrived since the divorce but there remains the traces of hurt in my heart from what my XH did that never seems to go all the way away.

So thank you for reading this far. Just wanting to be heard I guess.

[This message edited by InnerLight at 8:51 PM, August 18th (Sunday)]

Chili posted 8/18/2019 21:34 PM

Hey InnerLight:

So good to *see* you!

I know you've had some sadness and some heartaches (not to mention the jerky neighbor BBQ comment)...but to me, it sure looks like you're rocking the single life!

You've got your own place that you're maintaining - you are practicing self-care by establishing a relationship with a counselor - and then this:

I think I am stronger and solid in myself than I ever was before

Plus you are surrounded by natural beauty every day. You know, as I age, every day I further embrace the brilliance of slower living. The aspirations (and anxiety) I had in my starting-off years was so focused on things that are simply no longer important. I too hope to retire to my rural *dream home* as soon as I can.

Hope you continue to post your new/old/continuing beginnings for us!

Superesse posted 8/18/2019 21:36 PM

InnerLight, I hear you! You sound a lot like me. I live in a rural area, on a fairly large farm I had found and talked my SAWH into buying, supposedly to live the rest of our lives in....well. I asked for it in a settlement agreement, as this lifestyle was a life-long goal of mine, anyway and if the marriage had to end, I still wanted to live here.

But it has its plusses and minuses, doesn't it? One is that the pool of eligible, decent men within driving distance is drastically reduced....and the other is, that the kind of woman who can handle a lifestyle like ours...just plain intimidates. I was ALWAYS hearing that, all my life, regardless if I was married or single...so I just think it means that you are an exceptional woman! I had to watch out for "Gold Diggers," too. So yes, you have been heard, for sure.

WhoTheBleep posted 8/18/2019 21:45 PM

InnerLight, I read your post. I hear you.

I'm echoing what Chili and Superesse said. You sound like you're doing pretty darn well, insensitive neighbors be damned. Sure things still sting. Yep, they really do. But all in all, you're rocking your old beginning.

Keep on going, dear lady.

EvenKeel posted 8/19/2019 07:21 AM

but to me, it sure looks like you're rocking the single life!

You have a lot of self awareness about yourself, your live and where you want to be. You are strong enough not to settle. It is all good stuff GF!

Once again, it never fails to amaze me how some folks usernames are so relevant even years (or decades out).

I would also think of some one line comeback if anyone ever does what that party host does to you again. It doesn't even have to be snarky. Heck just saying exactly what you said to us "What possesses someone to make a joke out of your heartache" should do the trick.

I am proud of you IL.

FaithFool posted 8/19/2019 19:36 PM

Hey good to see you! Sorry about that dufus and his ridiculous remark. Was there alcohol involved? Ugh.

I've had exactly no SOs since the shit hit the fan way back then, and it's been 10 years now, but hope springs eternal!

It hurts that other people seem to have their next mate just fall into their laps, I get it. So unfair but you still have to be happy for them...

I'm going on a bucket list trip to Eastern Canada for five weeks coming up. It's going to be an epic spend, but I just turned 66 and this is my year for saying 'yes' to adventures, and I don't have a house to maintain so that's instead of a new roof...

Much as I'd love to be a homeowner, I'm not into having anything tie me down these days.

Life does go on.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 7:39 PM, August 19th (Monday)]

cancuncrushed posted 8/19/2019 20:04 PM

I think it sounds beautiful....but you have to realize one thing...if your interested in dating...and picking from a bigger group...

they are not going to come to your farm and find you....

you have to come in town...get around...participate...talk to people....put the word out...not in a desperate way by any means...

WE tend to stay home too much....and expect different....Im not ready to date...I still get out and around...no bars...no dances...just around..parks...librarys….zoos....festivals.....I need fun...but not company for now...I know I cant make new friends, unless I show up.

This applies to many situations....I bought a house in the city.... all around me , are families...Im odd one out...answering lots questions....I could have chosen an APT...but its younger people....its hard to know...do what makes you happy...at least your happy...

Its hard to see other people sail thru dating, like its easy.....I have learned its not as it always looks...ALl our neighbors thought we were the perfect family...WH was serial cheater...

some just get lucky...

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 8:12 PM, August 19th (Monday)]

InnerLight posted 8/22/2019 00:32 AM

Thank you for mirroring back my strength on a day I was feeling a bit heartachey. Suppresse that’s neat that you live in a rural place alone too. I agree that the dating pool is quite limited, and even if I socialize in town it’s not like I meet anyone or ever get asked out. So when I really want to date I sign up for 6 months of Match. Maybe in October I’ll do that again...

Fatithfool your trip sounds wonderful. I hear you about home ownership crimping your travel plans, they do mine I suppose, but I am in love with the land I take care of and no landlord can come in and bulldoze it, and that relationship with a patch of land is the lovely part of owning. So there are always trade offs.

Evenkeel thanks for saying the thing about the username. I chose InnerLIght in the midst of that apocalyptic time 11 years ago because in the horror of watching my life fall apart I simultaneously saw this blazing light in my being, and I knew it was an inner strength that would see me through the destruction, and it did.

I never thought that I would experience this kind of life, living alone no partner no kids no nieces and nephews no close friends. I have neighbors that are awesome though and that is a unique kind of relationship that I never had like this before. They are odd ducks, quirky, not people you choose, but people who know what it takes to live out here, people who are willing to help each other out and extend themselves for each other despite social and political differences.

I’ve created an oak stump circle and I’m going to invite local women of all ages to join me for a journaling workshop and talking stick circle.

It’s pretty peaceful here, just me and my cat with the sound of the night crickets singing. I am grateful for all your thoughtful responses. Thank you!

InnerLight posted 8/22/2019 00:32 AM

oops! double post!

[This message edited by InnerLight at 1:14 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]

fadedrainbow posted 8/22/2019 06:38 AM

Thank you for your inspiring update Inner Light.
Everything you wrote resonated deeply with me. All relationships have their challenges, whether they are with others or with ourselves.
For me, single strong independent woman are to be admired.
It is had to go against the collective and societal norms. All those who have responded to your post refuse to be handless maidens!

steadychevy posted 8/22/2019 08:00 AM

An interesting read. I wonder why Mr. Insensitive had a red face, InnerLight. Maybe he was trying to make a move. Your XSO is a piece of shit. It's a good thing you are free of him. His true colours have shone through.

I, too, live in a pretty remote rural area. I have paradise right out my window. It is the property my WW and I worked towards and where we would live the dream. Only she had an LTA right before we moved here.

I've been down sizing the cowherd for a few years to more of a retirement size so I have about 50 head left. Just me, the cows, a few heritage chickens, my special dog and a few (well, too many) cats. Coyotes, wolves, cougars and bears, too.

Today I'm hosting a BBQ at a neighbour's place. Well I'm bringing the steaks and BBQing them. All the rest of the goodies are being supplied by other people.

The issue of living in a remote, sparsely populated area is universal, I guess. I'm a born again Christian and that would be the requirement for any lady I would have a relationship with. That narrows an already narrow field. I'm not yet D so there hasn't been any attempt to determine any possibilities.

The property we bought was bare land so I built everything here which isn't much. It was mentioned above about being aware of gold diggers. I never built the dream house. I don't think gold diggers will be a problem when I disclose I live in a 1995 16 wide manufactured home.

It was a pleasure to read the original post and the following comments.

InnerLight posted 8/25/2019 23:40 PM

SteadyChevy, when I first read your suspicions of Mr Insensitive...

I wonder why Mr. Insensitive had a red face, InnerLight. Maybe he was trying to make a move.

I thought Naaaa....
But then Saturday night at 6:45pm Mr Insensitive calls me. I climbed off a ladder to answer the phone as I was painting an outbuilding all day. 'Wanna come over?' he asks. I explained the painting and asked where his SO Lola is, and he responds that she is visiting family in Canada.

I had asked for his phone number at the party last week because I am Fire Safe Council member of our town and a contact person for our neighborhood, which I explained to him.

But I guess he thought maybe it was a request for a booty call as soon as his lady was away.

I said, "Another time, and I'll bring our neighbor John H over too since he's right next door to you and you haven't met him yet."

:

InnerLight posted 8/26/2019 00:00 AM

...but to me, it sure looks like you're rocking the single life!

But all in all, you're rocking your old beginning.

I'm going to surrender to the idea that I'm rocking my life. Single, middle-aged, childless and all.

Yes there are shadows of hurt and betrayal, but it's a small part of my life now. They crop up regularly, but mostly my life is good.

Let me count a few of the rockin' it ways...

- I just completed 3/4 of painting a large outbuilding. Barn red with lime green trim, turquoise doors and orange decking. Looks great.

- I created my first online interview series in January which was great for my business

- I made a fund for Camp Fire survivors to get a certain kind of therapy, and raised several $K from donors

- I cut, split and stacked all the wood I need for this winter plus more

- I've learned a lot about the birds, trees, plants, animals of this region and have become a certified naturalist. I can track wildlife and ID birds by sound.

- I took out $38K in personal loans when I had to refinance in 2012 to get X off the mortgage, my house was underwater and the bank wouldn't finance the whole thing. Well I will be DONE repaying those personal loans in ONLY 4 MONTHS!

I look GOOD, and I'm going to put on a nice dress not appropriate for work that I don't get to wear because I'm not dating and I never go out to eat at a fancy place - and I'm going to take myself out to dinner at this fancy paleo restaurant that I love. I will sit at the bar, order champagne, and eat one of their delicious crazy expensive 1000 calorie burgers.

Thanks for reminding me to be proud of myself. Those hurts and betrayals and bad-times-shadows do not define me.

[This message edited by InnerLight at 12:02 AM, August 26th (Monday)]

better4me posted 8/26/2019 13:17 PM

Hello again InnerLight from another almost 10 year veteran and fellow 58 year old. I remember you from back when I was more active on this site. (waves hello)

Looking back at your original post and the one you wrote today and it reminds me of what this journey has always been...two steps forward and then one step back..and then two steps forward again. (Still 3 steps ahead, right?). And this is a journey, not a straight and easy path, more like a walk in the woods--crooked and bumpy but mostly beautiful. (And look at all that wildlife and the birds you can identify!)

I think I am stronger and solid in myself than I ever was before. I am more clear about what I would want in a relationship and what I won't put up with than ever before. And somehow these two things together make me feel like a relationship is even less possible for me than ever before.

I can relate so well to this ^^ I think having high standards does make it harder to find someone, but it also saves us from so much heartache. The people who find it hard to be alone seem to settle for less than they deserve and often they end up getting hurt again.

one thing I remember from dating was a philosophy that "if I exist then someone like me also exists". Finding someone with high standards like your's, finding someone with values like your's isn't impossible even if it cuts drastically into the pool of potential fish. Sorry you've had a creep or two lately. And so sorry that your SO showed his true colors in such a crappy way. Hold out for the right partner and if he doesn't come along, rock the life you have now.

You do sound pretty awesome and the right awesome man is worth waiting for too.

InnerLight posted 8/27/2019 09:18 AM

Hello Better4Me, fellow veteran from 10+ years ago!

Thank you for seeing the 2 steps forward 1 step back progress. It's so true. It's not a straight road.

In the process of this post, many of you mirrored back my strength to me in a way that helped me recognize it for myself at a time that the shadows of hurt were coming to the surface - again. I guess that's what we do here, and I am grateful for this kind of support. Thank you everyone!

wildbananas posted 8/27/2019 10:04 AM

Hey IL, good to see you! I hear you, I see you and as one SI veteran to another, I've always looked up to you. Steps forward and back, I too think you're rocking it.

Shehawk posted 8/28/2019 00:44 AM

Inner Light

Thrive on. I am sure many of us feel your pain. Do Not Settle. There are billions of people in the world. There is a man who will treat you like the prize you are.

I don't like sleeping alone for example (despite the fact that my WH told everyone who would listen apparently that I was frigid). But better that than the poor woman who sleeps with your inappropriate apparently moral bending neighbor. I was that woman, and it is a far worse place to be than alone.

I hope his SO finds out before she wastes her time thinking he is faithful. I am hypersensitive to this I imagine because ya think someone might have taken a moment to tell me what the man I trusted with my sexual and emotional health (obviously misplaced trust) was/is doing. But I digress.

Sorry for the challenges and the pain.

[This message edited by Shehawk at 12:46 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

FaithFool posted 8/28/2019 23:29 PM

I will sit at the bar, order champagne, and eat one of their delicious crazy expensive 1000 calorie burgers.

Atta girl!

Harriet posted 10/12/2019 01:28 AM

Inner Light, I am in the same boat with you. It's been so long since my divorce, with no SO. A few men were interested early on in my divorce, but I knew I couldn't settle. Since then, nothing at all.

I have done so many adventurous things that I don't think I would have if I'd stayed married and my life is truly lived just for me.

But...I have found that whenever I have contact with my XWH it brings up old hurts. He has his girlfriend (and his side pieces, from what I've heard) and it seems unfair that justice hasn't bitten him on the ass. The old feelings coming back up make me feel like I'm so pitiful that I can't "move on."

I try to remind myself that it's okay to be sad every once in while. What he did was traumatic, and every once in a while it will hurt.

Karma would be nice, though! Gotta say.

I just want to add: I rarely come on this site anymore...but I just thought since I was feeling blue, I would see if anyone else was posting who had left their cheating spouses long ago, still single, and just wanting to share. This site seems magic in that way - always letting you know you aren't alone. I hope this wasn't hijacking your post. Just wanted to share my similar experience.

Chrysalis123 posted 10/12/2019 17:00 PM

I look GOOD, and I'm going to put on a nice dress not appropriate for work that I don't get to wear because I'm not dating and I never go out to eat at a fancy place - and I'm going to take myself out to dinner at this fancy paleo restaurant that I love. I will sit at the bar, order champagne, and eat one of their delicious crazy expensive 1000 calorie burgers

You go girl.

I too am like you, 10 years out from a hellish divorce etc. Dated a bit at first but that didn't work out very well. I have been alone for the entire time except for my 2 beloved cats and my parrot.

Sometimes, like right now, because I am about to turn 60, I freak out and feel all sorry for myself because basically I am friendless and spend 98% of my time alone.

But your post inspired me to remember all the really great things I have done all by myself. And it reminded me that we don't really get to chose what happens to us, only how we respond to what happens to us.

You, my friend, have responded brilliantly and enjoy your rural life! It is great to hear from you and your out building sounds like it looks amazing.